Friday, July 30, 2010

Worst Mom Ever: And The Nominees Are...

All Lydia and Kate can say to this is "Been There, Done That" -- from forgetting of the snacks, to winning the Land Speed Record for losing one's schmidt, to Mom most likely to call your kid the dog's name.

As with every great accomplishment, it's just an honor to be nominated. To be among this group of just gives you that warm fuzzy feeling inside that says "wow, maybe I don't suck quite that bad..."

Best of Luck to all our very deserving all are just an inspiration to moms everywhere. To strive for mediocrity, hope for less, and aspire one day, just maybe, to be Just Like Britney.

Damn. Now we want a Frap and some Cheetos...

Ahem...The Nominees Are:

 Most Likely to Lose Her Schmidt Over Pop: Nicole

My identical twin sister and I just had our third babies.We are fairly lazy liberal with our supervision especially given that I live on a fully fenced private acreage, perfect for the lazy mothers dog. So yesterday during the sweltering heat and crazy mosquito rampage, my sister and I happily nursed in the cool indoors as if we had only one kid... Sure we heard the odd sound that reminded us that there are four other children running around, but it was all laughter and merriment therefore we just chuckled and congratulated ourselves on having such good kids thanks to our excellent mothering. When it came time for her and her kiddos to go, my sister went outside to find the younger ones jumping naked (no, not potty trained) on the trampoline  and the older kids MIA.

Then the yelling started. All I could hear is, "You better get over here and clean this up!" in her very mad mommy voice. Went outside, and found the garage fridge open, driveway soaked even though it hadn't rained, strange sickly sweet smell in the air, half crushed cans of Root beer, Cream Soda, Orange Soda and Miller Lite littered all over the driveway and garage, telltale splash marks all over my van and the little ones with suspiciously wet sticky hair.

The little buggers had systematically taken out all the cans from the fridge and had a riot throwing them, smashing them and spraying them, but -- in some strange twist -- not drinking them. It was the mess, the waste, the magnitude and the fact that they know better that got me!

I said some dumb things, like:
  • "You better clean this up before your father gets home!"
  • "I guess you're not ready for kindergarten!" (good one, punish them by withholding school) 
  • "I should spank you!! Do you know what a spanking is?!!" I meant it rhetorically but they said, no what? ... "it's when I ... uh... hit you." Sounded mean and lame even to me.
But here's the thing, they smirked a little then started cleaning up...gleefully. Which is when I lost my schmidt, marched over to one of them and half-heartedly smacked him 3 times on his bottom then to the other and replayed the half-hearted heinie taps on her. They didn't cry, just looked at me with big bewildered sad eyes. Then I went inside and cried, poured a gin and booked a session with my therapist. I suck. The end.
Most Likely To Have Kids in a Hair Band: Kandice
I let my boys listen to all music that I can tolerate. Beastie Boys (check); Snoop (check); Led Zeppelin (check). By way of the Apple TV, they are able to sample 30 seconds of any song on iTunes and have found some new music that I do not know, as I am stuck in a 90's music worm hole.
My 4 year old watches the movie "School of Rock" at least once a week and now hums the opening chords from "Sunshine of Your Love" by Cream at the breakfast table. But at least they know that if they are singing "Sexy Chick"; they have to say "Dang, Girl" instead of damn. As long as they substitute the bad word - they can sing it. But for sexually graphic parts of songs, I press mute - or remove from music library. Don't need the kids spewing dirty lyrics in front of the in-laws. And these conditions may keep the Department of Child/Family Services from revoking my Mommy License for bad music judgement. Latest music video obsession for my 2 boys - "Eye of the Tiger". When I come home today I fully expect to see them in black leather members only jackets and berets - rising up to the challenge of our rivals...

I should mention that I am a very big geek, with no piercings or tattoos. I don't live a Rocker Lifestyle. I am a software engineer - who really loves music and secretly hopes her boys form a more hardcore version of the Jonas Brothers (with much better music/lyrics and no rehab would be nice).

Mom Most Likely to Forget Sharing Day and Snack Week: Hope
That’s right… I would sit down at work and an hour later get a call from the teacher telling me to get my fanny back to the school (In the nicest way possible, after all it is a Catholic School) because they have not 1, but 2 sobbing kids who don’t have anything for sharing day. Once one of the SAHM mom’s took pity on my poor kids and ran out to her mini-van (Thank you Molly for having toys in your car!) and gave them each something that they could share, but when I showed up for pick-up that day, all the moms knew I forgot and I got nothing but looks of scorn and my kids got something but looks of pity from the other moms. After that the teach would send me regular reminder e-mails.

I also very regularly forget snack week or horror of all horror send something that was made in a factory that makes peanut products because I didn’t read the label (maybe I can win the award for mom most likely to harm someone else's kid, by serving peanut butter!) and either the kids would have some crappy snack that the teachers keep on hand just in case, or I’d be running up the school like a maniac with snack and making it like 2 minutes before it was snack time.

Most Likely to Become Mommy-O Andretti: Heather

Just like the famous racer, my mood can turn on a dime. I can go from zero to Raging B in 2.5 seconds. Beat that...oh, and I've been known to spin donuts around my testy-tosterony little men.

"Worst Response Time" Mommy: Heather (no, a different Heather)

 I have a 4 year old and a 15 month old. The "baby" is going through that delightful phase where he can toddle and climb EVERYWHERE but doesn't necessarily have the best balance or consider how he's going to get down from his latest expedition up Mt. Loveseat. Being a second-time Mom I SHOULD be able to recognize the signs..."Oh! He's about to trip over that toy!", "Oh! He's about to fall over backwards onto that jagged looking toy!" Unfortunately I have resigned myself to the fact that he will probably have a goose egg in various stages of healing until he is 3. Even when it seems like these moments are happening in slow motion I still manage to not...quite....get....there until one second TOO LATE. Sometimes perfect strangers will come up to us in the store and say, "Oh honey! What happened to you?" and give me a look that says, "If I knew who you were I would be calling CPS". Maybe there is a training camp to shorten my time...go over a few drills, run some tires....have a Marine Mommy yell at me? FASTER! FASTER! Until then I will be there in time to pick him up to cuddle until he is giggly and off exploring again....

Least Likely to Read the Small Print: Erika

I gave birth to my twins at 34 weeks gestation, and they went right to the NICU for about a week. I was sleep-deprived, sore, and pumping breastmilk every two hours. I asked my own mom to bring me stool softener (for my sore @$$) and vitamin E (for my sore nipples). They were both in gel-cap form.
After a few days and no improvement for either my @ss OR my nipples, my mom happened to catch me in the act -- I had mixed up the gel-caps. I was ingesting Vitamin E, while rubbing stool softener on my nipples. And then pumping -- or putting my twins to breast. And then feeding the stool-softener-laced breastmilk to my 34-week preemies.
I had to go to the head NICU nurse and explain the situation, who then had to page the on-call doctor and explain, "I have a mom here who has been rubbing stool softener on her nipples and then breastfeeding her twins..."

They were about three days old at the time. So, I think I had this award in the bag practically from minute one of my mommyhood. Now, they're 7. They're fine. Except for that whole bathroom thing...never mind.

Most Likely to Sell Children for an Extra Hour of Sleep: Jessica

The halfway point for summer around here was July 19th, and I happen to know that there are 33 days left until the first day of school. It's all gone to hell. My kids are waking ME up now, and I beg them for 5 more minutes. My poor children have been having breakfast at 9:30 because Mom can't get her act together. It's bad.
I have 3 kids and the eldest is pretty responsible...when he wants to be. Unfortunately, he never wants to be responsible enough to watch the other two in the wee small hours of the morning. I'm not looking forward to the beginning of school to get the kids out of my hair (though it's a nice fringe benefit) but so I can nap.
Here's a picture to demonstrate what happens when I am 5 minutes late getting downstairs. It's a real, unedited picture of my middle son. I am so proud.

Biggest Failure as a Housewife: Joslyn

I would much rather play with my kids than keep the house spotless. I made a decision early on to let the dust bunnies buffalo roam free. However, this does lead to periodic cleaning frenzies because the plumber is coming and I’m afraid he’ll call in Child Protective Services if he sees the mess left over from our most recent arts & crafts extravaganza. I’m also a terrible cook, and I can’t get the lipstick stains out of my husband’s collar to save my life.

And The Winner Is...

(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2010


  1. Wow.

    All I want to do is hug each and every one of these women and reassure them that they are NOT bad mothers.

    There is one basic root qualifier to being a bad mother: NOT CARING.

    For example, my friend's neighbor wins the worst parent award for me. They allow their 2 year old TODDLER to roam the neighborhood unattended. He can just come and go when he pleases, and YES, they live right next to a major road.

    Another family routinely hits their children with spatulas across the bottom and starves them for punishment.

    Yet another mother takes all measures to ensure that her child does not receive any affection or attention, lest be become dependent on it. "Real men," don't need that "crap," and she "ain't raisin' no sissy boys."

    It seems like all of the women described in the blog post care deeply about their children. So, what's a mess or two? A forgotten toy won't send their child into therapy. And unless you are horders or giving your child curdled milk, a messy house may actually be good for them.

    So, relax. Let them bathe in flat beer, let the run around in the sunshine naked, let them learn how to manage communal resources at school, and let the husband learn how to get that lipstick out of his own dang collar. There are bigger things to worry about in life, and it looks to me like you guys are keeping your eye on the prize- raising happy children.

    Who cares what society has built as the "myth of the perfect mother?"

    Now, excuse me for ending my rant early... I have to go pry a monster energy drink out of my 14 month old's hands and tell his brother to stop throwing golf balls at the dog's head.


  2. Hey all! This is Heather #2. That's right, the photo is NOT my child. Go ahead and google "kids goose egg photos" and see how many people have posted photos on the internet of their child's head injury. WHY would you put that on the internet for everyone to see?

  3. Wow - THESE are your bad mommy moments? Most of them sound fun, funny, and downright hilarious. If these describe 'worst mom ever' then I had better give myself up to the authorities, lol. *off to crawl in a corner, assume the fetal position and suck my thumb* ;)

  4. Oh, Erika, that's something I would've done. Thanks for making me laugh (no, not AT you). It kinda reminds me of the time I left my 3 day old outside in his bouncy for 15 minutes before I realized I was missing a kid. (after two they all kind of run together).

  5. Just last week, my 11-month-old fell out of the bathtub while I had my back turned and landed on his forehead. As he is Baby #1 for my husband, and Baby #3 for me, my reaction was not much more than an eye roll and a shrug of the shoulders, while my husband was attempting to call 911 and putting on his shoes to run the baby to the emergency room. When he stopped freaking out, he watched me calmly put the baby BACK into the tub, and then tapped his own version of a T-box...the bottle of Jack Daniels in the liquor cabinet.

  6. To Erika -- oh my goodness, your story totally made me laugh aloud at my desk at work. It's wonderful that you can look back and smile about these things because I'm sure you weren't at the time!

  7. It's an honor just to be nominated. Wake me up when the results come in.

  8. I totally should have submitted myself as the mommy who has no interest in feeding her family. Yet again, so close, yet so far. Defrosted the frozen stouffer's meal, only to forget, yet again, to put it in the oven. So, any ideas for dinner with a hubby who will get home at 6 and we need to be 30 minutes away from our house by 7?

  9. It's Erika -- of the stool-softener-laced breast milk. Words cannot adequately express my EMBARRASSMENT as the nurse was talking to the doctor. Totally hilarious now, but I wanted to hide under a NICU bassinet at the time! I still kind of can't believe they let me go home with the boys after that...

  10. I gotta agree with Kristi, these are all honest mistakes by otherwise caring, when I lived in my other town/neighborhood a few years back before I had my son, I took a machete from the (nowhere to be found) neighbor's 3 year old son. Yes, OUTSIDE, CHOPPING ON A STUMP, ACCROSS THE ROAD FROM HIS HOUSE, IN A BAD NEIGHBORHOOD, WITH A FRICKIN MACHETE! And mama is nowhere to be found. And I had to call DHS on them another time when the older 2 (10 and 7, I believe) were home (ALONE!) in the bad neighborhood and there were screamings and bangings and their whole trailer was rocking and I just knew some little thuglet from the neighborhood had gotten in there and was killing those children (well, either that or her current alcoholic boyfriend had finally snapped). It was just them fighting and the older one was beating her little brother down with metal COATHANGERS! I guess technically they would be the worst of the worst....Thank goodness we have our own place in the country now with NO NEIGHBORS of any kind...although I do miss having a Kate-friend or a Lydia-friend and a cell phone tower.... plus being in the boondocks does have advantages... no neighbors to shake their heads and sigh when I occasionally (frequently) lose my schmidt...

  11. Erika! How nice to see you on here. I thought I recognized that picture from somewhere! Funny, funny story...something I totally would've done...

    ~Kim (from MDC... wanted VBAC in Yuma, had twins, now living in NC too) :)

  12. My sister lets her (then 4- and 2-year old) kids watch Iron Man and The Hulk... no, not the cartoons. The box office movie ones with violence and sexins... back-to-back-to-back. Seriously. All 4 TVs in their house are on all day. Her older one entered kindergarten not only without knowing his alphabet (while his then-3-year-old cousin knew it all by 18 months) but he couldn't even spell HIS OWN NAME!
    Her younger one wasn't talking by age 2, and he was 2 months older than the aforementioned alphabet-knowing cousin, who was speaking in sentences. My sister blamed the pacifier and shrugged it off whenever we'd express concern. At 2.5, they got rid of the paci... no speech improvement. At this point, he's almost 3, and MY 17-month-old can string 4 words together, while he's still at 'ba' for ball and 'da' for dog and duck. She shrugged it off, saying girls' language development is often ahead of boys'. NOT A YEAR AHEAD, IDJIT! Finally, after much family pressure and dragging of feet, she got him tested (where was his idiot pediatrician, who NEVER mentioned concern at any point?!) and found out he had a hearing problem.
    She is a stay-at-home mom, who doesn't 'work' from home (raising kids IS work. I used the quotes to mean something like a writer or something you could do out of your home.) My other sister and I also are stay-at-home moms. *OUR* kids know their alphabets, colors, shapes, and can COUNT, so I know its possible to teach your kid stuff... unless they spend all day watching Bakugan, Garfield and Spiderman (the only words the 3yo used other than 'ba' and 'da,' and of course, 'MINE!'

    On another note, I seem to have the 3rd child syndrome with my mommyness. (First child drops the pacifier, you wash and sterilize before giving it back. 2nd child you rinse or lick it off. 3rd child you kick it back to them. 4th child has to get it back from the dog themselves.) When I left my 18-month-old in the bath to get her towel in the next room, my husband flipped out that she was unsupervised. I quipped that it takes 30 seconds to drown, so even if she had immediately begun drowning the second I left her, I still had a good 10 seconds leeway. I'm fine with her sharing sippy cups and popsicles (as long as the other mom's okay too.. or doesn't notice.) I let her eat raw cookie dough. I don't sterilize her hands before letting her eat after she's been playing at McDonald's play area. I watch her little Teflon immune system shoot down colds after only a few days that drag on for WEEKS for me and my poor little nieces. So every recovered floor-lollipop, I see her little immune system flexing its muscles and growing more powerful!
    I also leave her asleep in the car (with the AC on in the Summer/heater in the winter, I'm not a total idiot!) while I run inside to pee, grab my book, put away items that need to be refrigerated, etc, before going out to sit with her for the rest of her nap.

  13. Calling your kid withthe dog name? It can happen when people choose human names for dogs. To avod that, choose a dog specific name:
    Dog specific name

  14. Wow, I love these posts because it makes me feel more normal. My oldest daughter has such a temper--her father's--that she can lose her schmidt and, therefore, make me loose mine, over very little things like mac and cheese. When she's in time out you know it because she's screaming, yelling and stomping saying she wants to get out--which of course just makes it longer (I still don't know why she doesn't GET that). I even locked MYSELF in the bathroom to keep myself from loosing my schmidt with her when she wouldn't stop. My worse part as a mom is when her younger sister gets in trouble and gets in time out. Although she's an instigator, she also seems to GET it. So, I'll put her in time out and she sits so calmly and quietly, I FORGET I put her there, until she quietly asks how much longer she has....Uh, well...

  15. My niece is SEVEN and can barely read.....she was reading off of a menu, and asked what things were, like "hamburger" or "fries" or whatever. Then a little while later she asked how to spell "Caleb" - her uncle's name - and I did the whole, "Why don't you sound it out? What makes the "Kay" sound?" SHE DIDN'T KNOW. Seriously?!

    I hope for her sake she was just being shy.




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