Monday, August 16, 2010

The Case Against Seacrest

Regarding Ryan Seacrest...  He makes me stop and shake my head and say "WHUCK?" because I don't get it.  How is this guy one of the most powerful and influential men in TV and on radio? He can fit in a damn teacup and he has weird hair and... The list goes on.

It's not that I don't like Ryan Seacrest.  It's just that I think he might be evil.  I mean, my baby is diabolical and I love her.  It's just that there's something about him that's unnatural.  Maybe it's that I feel he never should have left Justin Beiber and the rest of their extended family in their tree making cookies.  Or maybe it's because of his slow, insidious take-over of popular culture.  I mean, in addition to American Idol and his radio show, I think there may only be one show left on E! that he does not produce.  It's like he's trying to spread his Seacrest-ness all over us... I'm gagging now.  But it may be too late to stop him.

One of the comments about Seacrest from the Whuck post was that the assertion that he had obviously sold his soul to the devil.  Thank you, commenter.  That's it exactly.  Here's why I concur so heartily with that statement:

1. You can thank him for the Kardashians.  He produces their train wreck of a TV show.  No one needed to know about these people.  They are horrible.  Everyone would have been better off if they'd just left them alone in Calabasas and let Bruce Jenner play by himself with his toy helicopters.  And if you don't know what I'm talking about, congratulations, you're a better person than I am because you've obviously not watched the show.  Good for you.

2. The short-lived reality TV series "Denise Richards: It's Complicated".  It's actually not complicated at all.  You're a douche (who married a King Douche and then divorced him) and later stole your best friend's husband.  You are also horrible.

3. Simon Cowell.  Good or evil?  Awesome but undoubtedly evil.  Is reported to be "best friends" with Seacrest.

4. Paula Abdul.  I swear she was normal once or close to it.  But after a couple of years hanging out with Seacrest and watching him go from dweeby TV host to soul-less, womanizing, Executive Producer... 

Well, the b*tch went spitting cherry pits moonbat crazy.

(Editor's Note: Lydia, honey.  Ummm... There is a "c" in Seacrest. - Kate)
5. This guy.  Brian Dunkleman (by the way, best last name ever).  The other host of Season 1 of American Idol.  Let's just say that maybe, possibly Satan decided to sit down with these guys in late 2002 and make an offer.  But Dunkleman was all: "NO! You're the Devil and that would be horribly wrong."  And Seacrest was all: "Should I sign in blood or is this pen OK?"  And now Dunkleman is a sad sack fat as$ on Celebrity Fit Club and Seacrest is "dating" Victoria's Secret Models.

6. Let's discuss his "girlfriends".  I think Seacrest is a switch-hitter though I have no basis for that, other than his hair and his snug-fitting shirts.  Just a very faulty gaydar.  This woman (model Sophie Monk) has been rumored to be his girlfriend.  I find that hard to believe.  You see this picture?  That's Seacrest in middle school.  I find it more plausible that in 15 years the person in that photograph would have grown into Sophie Monk rather than a dude who was "dating" her.  And, if in fact he is straight and is dating babes of this magnitude - then it really just validates the theory that he made a deal with the devil because otherwise - seriously?  If you looked like her, would you date him?  Really? You could have options like Daniel Craig and John Hamm or Derek Jeter and instead you'd be like: "Hmmm.... No thanks!  I'll take Seacrest."  No blonde is that dumb.

There's plenty more evidence, but I think I've made my case.  I'll do a quick recap for you. 
Ryan Seacrest:
  • Evil
  • Unnatural
  • Teacup human
  • Possibly a Keebler
  • Frightening, spiky hair
  • Snug-fitting shirts 
  • Probably soul-less
  • Made me watch the Kardashians
  • Sort of awesome, in the same way that Krispy Kreme is both delicious and also poison
Lydia. Out.

(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2010


  1. you could have stopped at the Kardashians. That whole show makes me go WHUCK? HOW are those sluts famous? How!? Because my own life would be more entertaining on a reality show. Can I get a contract for that?

  2. On my Twitter, a fellow twitterer had a link to @tilaOMG. You know, Tila Tequila, from that train wreck of a show on MTV that i may or may not have watched...both seasons. Anyways, I digress. She has this theory that most of Hollywood has signed a contract with the devil. It is all very hush hush and Ryan Seacrest is one of the leading signers or some such fun. Her website is great for those nights of boredom while your husband is away. So it could be that Tila is actually right on the money with her evil theory...or she is seriously a beer short of a six pack...or a nozzle short of a t-box?

  3. Ugh, I'm embarrassed to admit this, but I know from reading online gossip that Seacrest is dating Julianne Hough. You may remember her as that sweet little Mormon thing -- back in Season 1 of Dancing with the Stars. Now she's... I'll let you fill in the blank. If nothing else, she's young enough to be his daughter (if he hadn't looked like that in high school). xoxo Erika

  4. *shudder* His name alone makes me break out in hives. I feel like he wants to be the next Dick Clark and THERE IS NO OTHER DICK CLARK EVER.

    That is all.

  5. Teacup humans! Love the Eric Northman reference.

  6. I agree with Tila, and am surprised that she has this info. Although Monarch or Disney would be the politically correct version of Devil :)

  7. Poor Bryan Dunkledorf or whatever his name was. Seacrest is halfway to world domination and Dunkledorf is probably waiting tables at an Applebee's in L.A.

  8. I HATE reality TV! Everytime I see a reality show I think my head is going to explode!!! I don't know about anyone else, but the rare hour or two that I actually get to watch the TV is when I want to ESCAPE from reality. I blame Seacrest for my lack of escape hatches and firmly believes that he owes me a lifetimes worth of T-boxes...

  9. I too was thinking their might be a connection between Seacrest and Beiber. "Tea cup human" + "Keebler"--brilliant.

  10. OMG, I'm a dude, a very straight dude, okay, a kind of straight dude, and I'll be the first to admit my crush on Ryan Seacrest. Haha.

    He had to have made some sort of devilish deal, that's for sure. But who is he really? In ten years nobody will remember his name because he hasn't left anything significant behind.

    Single Dad Laughing

  11. Why is he everywhere, and how did he do that?
    Please don't let him get into children's programming.

  12. Children's programming? OMG, it's Pee Wee Herman all over again.

  13. Oh My Sweet Baby Jesus. That is BRILLIANT detective work Lydia. Brilliant Fucking Post.

  14. Now, I love me some Kardashians, but I hate myself just a little each time the "Ryan Seacrest Productions" ad comes on towards the end of the show. I want to stab myself in the eye with a fork for giving that douchemonger higher ratings.

  15. OMG I cannot stop laughing at the line "Should I sign in blood or is this pen ok?" Thanks for that!!!

  16. When I found out that Ryan Seacrest was dating Julienne Hough, I looked at my husband and said, "Wait! Isn't he gay?

    "Apparently not." Was his reply.




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