Monday, August 16, 2010

The Case Against Seacrest

Regarding Ryan Seacrest...  He makes me stop and shake my head and say "WHUCK?" because I don't get it.  How is this guy one of the most powerful and influential men in TV and on radio? He can fit in a damn teacup and he has weird hair and... The list goes on.

It's not that I don't like Ryan Seacrest.  It's just that I think he might be evil.  I mean, my baby is diabolical and I love her.  It's just that there's something about him that's unnatural.  Maybe it's that I feel he never should have left Justin Beiber and the rest of their extended family in their tree making cookies.  Or maybe it's because of his slow, insidious take-over of popular culture.  I mean, in addition to American Idol and his radio show, I think there may only be one show left on E! that he does not produce.  It's like he's trying to spread his Seacrest-ness all over us... I'm gagging now.  But it may be too late to stop him.

One of the comments about Seacrest from the Whuck post was that the assertion that he had obviously sold his soul to the devil.  Thank you, commenter.  That's it exactly.  Here's why I concur so heartily with that statement:

1. You can thank him for the Kardashians.  He produces their train wreck of a TV show.  No one needed to know about these people.  They are horrible.  Everyone would have been better off if they'd just left them alone in Calabasas and let Bruce Jenner play by himself with his toy helicopters.  And if you don't know what I'm talking about, congratulations, you're a better person than I am because you've obviously not watched the show.  Good for you.

2. The short-lived reality TV series "Denise Richards: It's Complicated".  It's actually not complicated at all.  You're a douche (who married a King Douche and then divorced him) and later stole your best friend's husband.  You are also horrible.

3. Simon Cowell.  Good or evil?  Awesome but undoubtedly evil.  Is reported to be "best friends" with Seacrest.

4. Paula Abdul.  I swear she was normal once or close to it.  But after a couple of years hanging out with Seacrest and watching him go from dweeby TV host to soul-less, womanizing, Executive Producer... 

Well, the b*tch went spitting cherry pits moonbat crazy.

(Editor's Note: Lydia, honey.  Ummm... There is a "c" in Seacrest. - Kate)
5. This guy.  Brian Dunkleman (by the way, best last name ever).  The other host of Season 1 of American Idol.  Let's just say that maybe, possibly Satan decided to sit down with these guys in late 2002 and make an offer.  But Dunkleman was all: "NO! You're the Devil and that would be horribly wrong."  And Seacrest was all: "Should I sign in blood or is this pen OK?"  And now Dunkleman is a sad sack fat as$ on Celebrity Fit Club and Seacrest is "dating" Victoria's Secret Models.

6. Let's discuss his "girlfriends".  I think Seacrest is a switch-hitter though I have no basis for that, other than his hair and his snug-fitting shirts.  Just a very faulty gaydar.  This woman (model Sophie Monk) has been rumored to be his girlfriend.  I find that hard to believe.  You see this picture?  That's Seacrest in middle school.  I find it more plausible that in 15 years the person in that photograph would have grown into Sophie Monk rather than a dude who was "dating" her.  And, if in fact he is straight and is dating babes of this magnitude - then it really just validates the theory that he made a deal with the devil because otherwise - seriously?  If you looked like her, would you date him?  Really? You could have options like Daniel Craig and John Hamm or Derek Jeter and instead you'd be like: "Hmmm.... No thanks!  I'll take Seacrest."  No blonde is that dumb.

There's plenty more evidence, but I think I've made my case.  I'll do a quick recap for you. 
Ryan Seacrest:
  • Evil
  • Unnatural
  • Teacup human
  • Possibly a Keebler
  • Frightening, spiky hair
  • Snug-fitting shirts 
  • Probably soul-less
  • Made me watch the Kardashians
  • Sort of awesome, in the same way that Krispy Kreme is both delicious and also poison
Lydia. Out.

(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2010

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