Regarding Ryan Seacrest... He makes me stop and shake my head and say "WHUCK?" because I don't get it. How is this guy one of the most powerful and influential men in TV and on radio? He can fit in a damn teacup and he has weird hair and... The list goes on. It's not that I don't like Ryan Seacrest. It's just that I think he might be evil. I mean, my baby is diabolical and I love her. It's just that there's something about him that's unnatural. Maybe it's that I feel he never should have left Justin Beiber and the rest of their extended family in their tree making cookies. Or maybe it's because of his slow, insidious take-over of popular culture. I mean, in addition to American Idol and his radio show, I think there may only be one show left on E! that he does not produce. It's like he's trying to spread his Seacrest-ness all over us... I'm gagging now. But it may be too late to stop him.
1. You can thank him for the Kardashians. He produces their train wreck of a TV show. No one needed to know about these people. They are horrible. Everyone would have been better off if they'd just left them alone in Calabasas and let Bruce Jenner play by himself with his toy helicopters. And if you don't know what I'm talking about, congratulations, you're a better person than I am because you've obviously not watched the show. Good for you.2. The short-lived reality TV series "Denise Richards: It's Complicated". It's actually not complicated at all. You're a douche (who married a King Douche and then divorced him) and later stole your best friend's husband. You are also horrible.
3. Simon Cowell. Good or evil? Awesome but undoubtedly evil. Is reported to be "best friends" with Seacrest.
Well, the b*tch went spitting cherry pits moonbat crazy.
(Editor's Note: Lydia, honey. Ummm... There is a "c" in Seacrest. - Kate)
6. Let's discuss his "girlfriends". I think Seacrest is a switch-hitter though I have no basis for that, other than his hair and his snug-fitting shirts. Just a very faulty gaydar. This woman (model Sophie Monk) has been rumored to be his girlfriend. I find that hard to believe. You see this picture? That's Seacrest in middle school. I find it more plausible that in 15 years the person in that photograph would have grown into Sophie Monk rather than a dude who was "dating" her. And, if in fact he is straight and is dating babes of this magnitude - then it really just validates the theory that he made a deal with the devil because otherwise - seriously? If you looked like her, would you date him? Really? You could have options like Daniel Craig and John Hamm or Derek Jeter and instead you'd be like: "Hmmm.... No thanks! I'll take Seacrest." No blonde is that dumb.
There's plenty more evidence, but I think I've made my case. I'll do a quick recap for you.
Ryan Seacrest:
- Evil
- Unnatural
- Teacup human
- Possibly a Keebler
- Frightening, spiky hair
- Snug-fitting shirts
- Probably soul-less
- Made me watch the Kardashians
- Sort of awesome, in the same way that Krispy Kreme is both delicious and also poison
(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2010
