Monday, August 2, 2010

Funniest F**king Thing I Heard All Day: Stop Screaming

Last night, I'd had it.  It had been a long, hot day with a bunch of grouchy, over-tired, ungrateful children.  I made their dinner and put it on the table for them.  Then I took a break. 

"Please sit quietly and eat.  Mommy will be in the bathroom for a few minutes."

"Oh...  So you can 'pee alone'?" asked Thumbelina (age 7) with one eyebrow raised.

"As a matter of fact, yes." That child is far too observant.  I glared at them all and stomped down the hall.  To my bedroom, where I laid down on my bed in the shady quiet.  Just one moment of peace.  And no b*tching.  That's all I wanted.  Just one minute.  Then the screaming started.  Not screaming because something was wrong, just screaming to see who could scream the loudest.  It's -- of course -- their favorite game.

It went like this: blood curdling scream.  Followed by hysterical giggling.  Then a slightly louder scream.  Then giggling escalating into uncontrollable cackling.  Pause.  Not to be outdone, the baby screams like a air raid siren.  Then came the sound of small children falling on the floor and rolling around because they are laughing so hard.  I wouldn't be surprised if one of them peed themselves.  Beceause it is so much fun to scream.

Before I can get down the hall to start busting heads, I heard Thumbelina say the following:

"Wait!  We have to stop screaming right now.  Someone is going to call the police." (Awed silence.) "And then they'll come and arrest Mommy.  And then how will we eat?  Or go to the pool?  They'll probably take us to the orphanage.  And you know what happens there?" (More awed silence. Also feared anticipation at what comes next.) "It's actually pretty exciting, because you don't who in the world will adopt us!  Maybe a Queen... Or a movie star... (nods at her brother) or a Jedi...  I kind of hope it's a Queen, though.  I'm sick of being a commoner."

So am I. 

The. End.

(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2010


  1. I can't wait until mine are old enough to be funny while they are driving me insane. It will make insanity more enjoyable! That was hilarious, thanks for sharing!

  2. OH man. I LOVE it!! You keep me cracking up!

  3. OMG... The screaming must stop, my son runs around screaming and then laughing. It makes me INSANE, like strap on the straight jacket and haul me off to a padded room insane...

  4. OMFreakingG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    *I* want to adopt Thumbelina now!

  5. Ha! Mine do this too. Then my Father in law tells the baby to stop screaming and that he sounds like a girl! Hello, he's 9 months old!

  6. You need to get Thumbelina her own Blog! Rants from Childhood! :P

  7. That is awesome! I, too, am quite fed up with being a commoner. Maybe we should start up an orphanage for Mothers. And we can get adopted by someone rich/famous/royalty.

    Who's in?

  8. oo, oo Penny! I'm in! Seriously, we have a no-screaming-unless-you-are-having-a-serious-emergency policy at our house. Serious emergency is defined (at our house) as a)bleeding profusely, b) broken bones, and c) eyeball hanging out of sockete/flap of skin hanging off. Otherwise, get up and shake it off. We had to define emergency, because mom was getting odd calls at work. The price for breaking the rule is either a time-out from the super-fun activity that you were doing, OR running a lap, OR doing a chore. Depending on what is going on, who is here, or how bad said screaming was. Works like a charm.

  9. THumbelina should get together with my daughter Sassafrass(5), who (when my son The Mad Scientist(8)announced that he was running away from home because he had been informed that he would be taking care of his own laundry or else) told him to make sure that he take a large cup. When he asked why she said, in a teary voice, "because if you run away you're going to have to do your own laundry. So you're going to have to be one of those guys who stand on the corner shaking a cup and asking for change. . . and you can't take mine!"

  10. My kids like to have screaming matches like that too. Mostly at bedtime or when I have a really bad headache. Such sweet kids.

  11. I know how she feels. Being a commoner is so passe.

  12. I sometimes encourage my daughter to scream. Or act like a howler monkey. Why? My mother-in-law lives in the basement and she hates it more than I do. So instead I join her! Bwahahahaha!




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