Wednesday, August 4, 2010

I'm Begging You...

Today I'm guest posting at Pregnant Chicken.  BAWK! Remember Pregnant Chicken?  Who wrote the funniest guest post in the history of Rants from Mommyland?  Well, I thought I'd return the favor by writing something less funny for her awesome blog.  Here it is:
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Every night my children pray to God that I will get pregnant.  With a boy.  Named David.

Let me just state for the record that, at this point in time, I am not interested in getting pregnant.  I've done it 3 times, and it was never easy for me.  There are women out there who say things like: "I love being pregnant!  It's wonderful!  You can eat whatever you want and everyone tells you how beautiful you look and you just feel so magical knowing that there is a new life growing inside you..." 

Congratulations.  Now please go suck it.  Here's what pregnancy was like for me:
  • Non-stop puking for 36 weeks
  • Total exhaustion
  • Cankles so puffy they looked like they would burst if pricked with a needle or pointy stick.  (I strongly advise against poking crazy pregnant ladies with sharp objects.  They may react violently.) 
  • Getting even more stupid as my body focused on growing a healthy baby rather than my ability to speak, read, or walk upright
  • Hair Trigger B*tch Syndrome
  • The urge to eat only disgusting things (fountain Cokes, Big Macs) while the thought or smell of healthy food made me involuntarily heave.
  • Fits of Unexplained Crying
  • Husband and children completely non-plussed by random vomiting or crying.  Also, completely unsympathetic to my plight.
  • The overwhelming fear that labor will progress from "Was that a contraction?" to the child falling out of my nether regions onto the floor in less than ten minutes.
This whole wishing for a new baby thing got out of hand last week when my husband told me he'd really appreciate it if I would start giving baby #4 some real consideration.  Then he said, "Go look at the kids, Lydia.  Aren't they awesome?  Don't you just want a million of them?"

First of all, the kids were asleep when he said that.  So, of course they look awesome.  As any parent will tell you - they are at their awesomest while sleeping.  That was obviously some sort of trick.

But I do see his point.  They are pretty awesome.  I can't seem to go a minute without thinking about them or checking to see if they're OK or wanting to give 'em a smooch.  Sigh...  But let's not get carried away.  I mean the little one still doesn't sleep.  The big ones fight all the time.  And the mess...  Those kids are the tornadoes to my trailer park, leaving debris and filth in their wake that I'm required to clean up like I was frickin FEMA.  And honestly, all I seem to do is chase them around saying "Not in the electric socket!" and "That's not cheese!" and "Stop slapping with your feet!" and "Where are your underpants?!" 

I think of all the times that I've wondered if 4:00pm was too early for bedtime.  Or if it was bad that I let them watch three hours of Phinneas and Ferb because my nerves were shot and it seemed like a better idea than drinking Scotch at 9am.  I just think I really shouldn't have any more kids.  I think I need to focus on not completely f*cking up the ones I already have.

But something keeps getting in the way.  Something that I can't seem to avoid.  Always out there... Lurking... Waiting to entrap me...  You already know what it is, don't you?  Other people's tiny, little, sweet, newborn babies.  DAMN IT.  They are so cute.  With their little mewling cries like kittens and their tiny toes and the way the top of their heads smell when you kiss them...  They are not fighting fair.  How am I supposed to resist that smell? 

There are four new baby boys at our church, and each one is so freaking cute I turn into a puddle if I have to look at them for more than 30 seconds.  Of course, my family always wants to sit near them so they can gaze upon the cuteness and watch as Mommy's "I AM DONE" resolve starts crumbling.  But I really should not have any more kids, so I am begging you...

KEEP YOUR ADORABLE, PRECIOUS INFANTS THE HELL AWAY FROM ME.

I may get a shirt printed up because my husband claims that screaming the above statement at women with new babies is off-putting. And also that I may be perceived as being potentially dangerous. Well, that's his opinion. I actually think most people would understand. Maybe I should add a small caveat just to new make sure I got my point across:


KEEP YOUR ADORABLE, PRECIOUS INFANTS THE HELL AWAY FROM ME.
Or I will get pregnant again and then I'll be completely screwed. Thank you for your cooperation.

So if you have a beautiful new baby, who is so cute that she brings people to their knees, and you see a harried-looking woman in yoga pants crossing the street to avoid you while making the sign of the cross, it is neither rudeness or craziness making her do it. It's birth control.

xo, Lydia

Also available in Pink and Blue
 

(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2010

39 comments:

  1. Well first of all, what the fudge are you doing up at this hour on your coast? I hear you on the baby head smell. I love that smell, and my second was THE cuddliest baby on the planet, so I'll miss that. But I don't want any more.....I'm on the slippery slope to 40, and like you, I want some damn sleep. Not that you are closing in on 40 like a freight train from hell, I'm just sayin' I'm tired, that's all.......cause I don't know how old you are......I do know that when my older son saw me breast feeding the baby when he was super new he said "baby is eating mama's belly button". Not too inaccurate. The gap is closing my friend, the distance between my nipples and my belly button is much smaller than it used to be. So now that I've overshared by a mile, you have more to think about........

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  2. Yeah #4 is soooo NOT. Happening. I look like I'm still pregnant from #3 thanks to #1 and #2 since they were twins and ruined my body forever. I'm having serious doubts that a plastic seurgon could even fix me. Not to mention the fact that I have to make a mad dash to the bathroom if I even THINK about sneezing and the fact that I can't run for the very same reason. and HELLO theres the terrably accurate PIE post from yesterday too. Yep #4 Not. Happening. Good thing the hubby is fixed.

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  3. ha! that is hysterical. I feel the same way about babies. I get around a newborn cry and I just want to pick them up, snuggle them, and smell their heads.

    As for pregnancy, it sounds as if we had similar stories. My mom says she craved "salad" with one of her pregnancies. Interestingly enough, the one where she wore her pre-pregnancy jeans out of the hospital. Not fair.

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  4. The husbands are the worst! My soon-to-be 1-year-old was 5 minutes old when my husband grinned over at me and said "Let's do it again!" Murther-furking jackhole. So I made him watch me deliver the placenta. THAT shut him up.

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  5. Lol, I could have written this myself. Child #3 is barely 3 months old and hubby is already talking about #4. Everyone else in his family has 4, so why not us? Ugh, men and their silly competitions.

    Unfortunately, I too have difficult pregnancies with puking/swelling/bedrest etc. Not to mention I still look preggers from the last one. He actually thinks having babies is fun. WTF?

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  6. Here is the solution: get your tubes tied. It's not that bad and even when you get the urge you know there is no way to give in.
    I have 2 kids and I KNOW that is all my patience can handle, yet those sweet babies are such a lure. But no, I can want to my heart's desire and I still am not having another baby!

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    Replies
    1. A lot of people treat tube tying like birth control and get them untied after a couple years. Its strange but people still do it lol so it's not a 100% can't do it.

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  7. I must get splatter screen for my computer. The coffee is probably going to ruin it at some point.

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  8. "Those kids are the tornadoes to my trailer park, leaving debris and filth in their wake that I'm required to clean up like I was frickin FEMA."

    Best. Quote. EVAH.

    "I just think I really shouldn't have any more kids. I think I need to focus on not completely f*cking up the ones I already have."

    It's too late for me (which is part of why I wept so violently after accidentally contracting my adorable fourth semen infection even though he's now cuter than a barrel full of monkeys and the newest love of my life), but you should TOTALLY go with that idea if it's still an option for you!

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    Replies
    1. No, dear one, "accidentally contracting my fourth semen infection" is the best.quote.evah!! I'm taking that phrase to work with me and test it out on my colleagues. (we are a bunch of silly OBs and midwives......so we talk about this stuff, and smell new babies, all day).

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    2. Since I just sold my crib and am sure I will be announcing another pregnancy at any time...I HAVE to snag Semen Infection...That is beyond awesome! I am voting for YOU for a guest post on RFML!!

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  9. Lol, I'm the one who is trying to convince my husband to go for number 3. Which is funny as, up until my son was born, I was hell bent on getting my tubes tied. I was so sure I was DONE. I didn't have horrible pregnancies, just sorta scary ones. My daughter(my 1st) was born at 35 weeks due to a partial abruption. At 18 weeks with my son(#2), we thought it was happening again. While the only problem I actually had with him was him being late...and big, the whole pregnancy was almost treated as high risk. So, due to all the extra precauations, I was dead set on being done. 3 days after my son was born, I was sitting on the couch, in a sleep-deprived delirium thanks to a baby who ate every fricking 40 minutes, decided I wanted another one! He's coming up on 2 now, and I still want another one. Hubby's promised me I can have #3 once we move in to a house(we're in an apartment right now).

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  10. I'm one of those snitches that *love, love, love* being pregnant...but hand me a newborn baby and I'll hand it right back to you! I don't find infants at all interesting until at least 6 months old. Then they start to move and giggle and do other incredibly cute things that make me look at my 4 year old and almost-2 yo twins and think, "Maybe just ONE more..." Ha! It doesn't last long. "I think I need to focus on not completely f*cking up the ones I already have" pretty much sums it up for me! Luckily, my husband is even more on board with the no more kids things than I am and is even showing me his true committment to the deal by getting the ol' snip, snip done later this month. Ah, bittersweet...

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  11. To quote my husband, "We have three because we don't want four." And my thing is this.... even IF I had any thoughts about having another one, pretty damned sure I'd have another girl (we have three girls already!). No thanks... I'm good with what we already have.

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    Replies
    1. We had three girls too... 3 in 3 years... I am GRAY! BUT... 4 years later the man child arrived. The BEST slow growing puppy, distraction evah! He is the sweetest darling and with 4 Mommies... he can get away with NOTHING! :-)

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  12. oh my oh my. how do you constantly voice what i'm thinking?

    "I think of all the times that I've wondered if 4:00pm was too early for bedtime. Or if it was bad that I let them watch three hours of Phinneas and Ferb because my nerves were shot and it seemed like a better idea than drinking Scotch at 9am. I just think I really shouldn't have any more kids. I think I need to focus on not completely f*cking up the ones I already have."

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  13. In some ways, I'm not qualified to comment on this post. I am a mommy. However, I stopped after #1. Yes, only one. I hear that a lot. But again, this isn't a competition. Or is it?

    Many, many factors went into my decision including my age, previous infertility problems, my husband's hesitancy, problems with our baby sleeping, no relatives living in town, etc., etc. I've seen my girlfriends go from 2 to 3 to 4 to *gasp* 5? I know why I made this decision. I know deep down that I need to give my all to my one-and-only. And we were blessed to have that one, how can I forget that? However, why do I have to justify my decision to the rest of the world? Constantly?

    My own personal motto for being a stay-at-home mom can be revamped and applied to being an only-child-mom: be glad I didn't reproduce - I'm working to save the planet from overpopulation one less child at a time.

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    Replies
    1. You're AWESOME!! Singles are perfectly fine...in fact, many of my friends have only children...my DAD is an only child...The only reason I had a second was because I wanted my older son to have a sibling. I am older, my sisters don't have children, and my husband doesn't come from genes of longevity...I wanted #1 to have a chance to have someone with him when he was older. I love my second just as much as my first, but let me tell ya...if #1 was as tough as his #2...he would have been an only child! I am glad I have #2, but it was a crazy reason to have another!

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  14. Having my six pack of kids I can tell you that no matter how many precious ones you have, you will always want a baby if you don't have one. If you really think you are done, persevere! It hurts my ovaries to think I won't have another little babe in our house but I've also seen each of my sweet babies turn into sweathogs. But, being a believer in the greatness of a big family, I have to tell you that life will get no crazier with another child and that baby will bring some wonderfulness to each of you in your lifetime.
    Did I just not help at all?

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  15. Lydia- You would have hated (but really loved) my summer nursing school assignment: Labor & delivery (ok, maybe not that part) and the nursery on the "Mother- Baby" floor. Yes, this nursing student helped Mommies birth babies and then helped them take care of their 1 - 24 hr old's, as they recovered. While not yet a Mommy myself, I swear one day I was lactating just from hearing those new babies cry. Also- likely the best method to reassure that you want kids is to watch other mommies give birth (vaginal & c-section) and STILL want to go through with it...

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  16. I only have one so far (he's 19 months old), but I plan on having more. Every time I see a baby my whole reproductive system yearns, yanks and pleads for another baby. Gosh, I hope that feeling dwindles down if I ever reach 3 kids, ok...maybe 4.
    I was recently pregnant with twins but lost them at 5 months pregnant. Words can't describe how horrible, traumatizing and humbling that experience was. It made me appreciate everything I took for granted before. The sheer fact that I actually have not only a healthy, but a beautiful baby boy makes my eyes water (how did I ever get so lucky). When I read your post all I could think of was how much I would give to be able to feel all those things you listed. Made me realize that I would give up anything to have another one.
    Puking 36 weeks, cankles and unexplained fits of crying are totally worth the reward you get in the end. It's a huge decision whether to have a 4th or not. But three healthy beautiful children seem like a huge blessing to me. A fourth would just be icing on the cake....or another 2-3 years of no sleep...why can't life choices just be simpler sometimes? I guess that's what makes life worth living.

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  17. My husband is also already planning our next child - and I'm 30wks pregnant with our second! He's hell-bent on one more after this.

    The craziest part of that? He's got three teenaged daughters from a previous marriage! He's dying for #6, the crazy man! Mostly I think it's because he's hoping we can get one more boy, and he'll even up his "score" - the 3 girls, and now 3 boys. Why in the world does everything have to do with competition for men?

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  18. I am not going to be any help to you on this one. I began my adult life wanting ONE baby, and then when she got to a certain age, I thought "one more would be so cool!" and every baby was the "last" baby - until another one suddenly seemed like a good idea. I ended up having 6 children. My pregnancies were absolutely awful too and I know how miserable you were - but I have NEVER regretted having these kids. Any of them. They were more than worth it! Each one is so amazing, so unique, so funny, and so full of love - I'm really glad I had all of them, even though 6 seems crazy to other people. Life has not been easy for me. The [now Ex] husband, who WANTED 6 kids at the time, hit his midlife crisis and "changed his mind" - no kidding, his words - and ran off with one of his mistresses and left me to raise 6 kids alone.... and still I've never regretted a single one of them. They are incredible - they are the best of me and the most important work I'll do on this planet. I'm the luckiest person I know. :)

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  19. I'd have a lot of explaining to do if I had #3! I hear you, they are cute, they smell good and they look so peaceful sleeping. I have teenagers- so even if I miraculously got pregnant- it would just be so awkward- a 18 year difference! On the other hand, I did lose a tax deduction when they turned 17.. hmmm....

    We thought long and hard about adopting #3. We chose not to for many reasons- one being cost.

    As for you, think about how crazy your life is now... then multiply it by 1,000,000x.. with pregnancy. I was also jealous of those Mother Earth Love my Pregnancy chicks.. I only craved Butterscotch Tastykakes!

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  20. I have one child & don't want any more but I love newborns. My friend had a baby a month ago & I just couldn't put him down. He smelled soooo good & wasn't able to sass me like my daughter lol. But then I don't have to get up with my friend's baby at night & I happily gave him back :)

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  21. I had my first and (probably) only child just 9 weeks ago. Pregnancy did a number on my body as I have osteoarthritis in my hips and back, I had to have a c-section for that reason also, had major nursing issues, and to be honest, I really can only afford one and keep up the standard of living I'm used to. But damn it all if I didn't start wanting baby #2 the minute my darling daughter looked me in the eyes, "smiled, " and farted a fart that would have won any frat house flatulence competition. My husband, who already has four kids and does not want any more (I heart my stepkids but they're not MINE) has to repeatedly talk me down. I feel your pain.

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  22. Just come to my house at about 6 pm each night...it'll remind you why you shouldn't have another one..

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  23. So, I'm holding a 2 month old beautiful girl at church while she's sleeping. Just the walking and rocking and resisting the head sniff but she's SOOOOOOO lovely. And Marie, who went to high school with me, sees me and says, "Getting in some practice?" Because of course I look besotted. And I say, "You've got to be joking Marie, I'm 54 years old and my youngest is 10, there's no WAY I'm having another baby." And Marie says,

    "I meant for grandchildren".

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  24. First off let me say I feel exactly the same way! My pregnancies were hard and completely loathed.. So I feel you on that one :)

    Second off, let me say I am moving to the DC area in less than a month with my 3 week old son (who will then be 1 1/2 months).

    <3 your blog! lol

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  25. Where do I insert picture? I had my 4th almost 9 months ago and she's awesome. I also think she makes other women's uteruses (uteri?) twitch - based purely on the number of times I'm stopped and even (inappropriately) asked by strangers if they can take a picture of - or even hold her! I'm pretty sure I could get you knocked up with one short slideshow. ;)

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  26. Borrow someone else's potty-training toddler for 48 hours. Have your husband and kids take said toddler for at least 24 of those hours while you check into a nearby hotel (with no forwarding info) and watch akanty TV shows. That should take care of things.

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  27. JUST REMEMBER: That adorable, cooing, tiny, sweet-smelling-headed baby WILL turn into a screaming, possessed, spewing, tantrum-throwing toddler, a defiant 3-year-old (No. No. No. NOOOOO. NOOOOOO!) that always follows you into the bathroom, not to go themselves since they are refusing to potty train but to repeatedly ask you why you don't have a penis, an exasperatingly questioning 5-year-old (Why? Why? But why? Mama. Mama. Why? Mama? Mama? Why? Mama? MAAAAAMAAAAA!), and if that isn't enough to knock you off the baby train, a teenager.

    I will ALWAYS want a baby. Every damn day of my life, I will want a baby. However, I DO NOT want another kid.

    Not to mention, do you have the space for another kid? The room in the car? The patience? The funds?

    I hoped I helped. I'm sure I didn't. Good luck.

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    1. seriously! I have a 7yo ADD child that NEVER stops talking. or back talking. or fighting. except those rare moments that I cherish. And a nearly 5yo who hit the Why why why MAMAAAA stage early and I don't think that means it will end early. And then the baby. she's the only girl. at almost 18mo she scares the bejeezus out of me nearly daily if not several times a day. she has no fear. except if mommy leaves the room, apparently I may never come back, even if she can still hear me. in a fairly small 3 bedroom with 5 seater vehicles there is no more room for babies and not a big enough wallet to change that. trying to get the hubby snipped so we can't change our minds or have another oops

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    2. Ugh, I've learned that hitting a stage early does NOT mean they are going to leave it early... unfortunately! Our third (now 20 mos and has the same lack of fear that your 18 mo old has) was a giant surprise and now my tubes are tied. This tubal better not fail.

      If hubby gets snipped, make sure he does the test afterward to make sure it "took"... I've heard lots of stories about failed snippings. :-)

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  28. Ha! I have 3 boys. The oldest is 6 and the youngest is 7 months. Last week my oldest said that "Three boys are nice, but I think we should have four boys." and I said "Wait...WHAT?" I'm not opposed to more kids. We'll see what the future holds when we get there but I'm sure as heck not ready yet!!!

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  29. My kids are book ends to the Thermonuclear Threes right now (2 and 4) so my life is pretty much that Trailer Park mess you wrote about. Actually, RIGHT THIS VERY MOMENT they are playing "garbage dump"-their fav game EVER...take all of the toys I have so perfectly organized and dump them in the middle of the floor. Ugh...

    We just sold the crib and the last of the baby stuff at our yard sale this weekend...I expect to get a "semen infection" (the person who wrote that should do a guest post!!) any day now. Sigh...It's the reason why I have a younger brother. My Hellacious second pregnancy and the ensuing surgeries to my kidney afterwards should REALLY be enough birth control...but I still fell a little whimsical...and I shed a little tear as my crib was loaded into a stranger's car...

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  30. I have four boys. Four...boys... I think I might maybe want another one, and I would love a girl. However, I don't know if my want for another child trumps the is probably going to be another boy, or the I have FOUR BOYS! card. Did I mention that we Only have two bedrooms? And then just about everyone I run into asks me if I'm pregnant again. It is really a bit ridiculous. My kids are 7-1. Can I have a little breathing room? We do they have to make babies smell so good?

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  31. I loved this post. I love babies...other people's babies. We have two perfectly good kids, I am 47 years old and my husband is 51 and HE STILL TURNS TO ME AND SAYS, "C'mon, just ONE more?" Because THAT would be a fun pregnancy, honey, I'm sure. I keep telling him that's what second wives are for.

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  32. Whenever you get the urge to have another baby, just remind yourself that someday they will become teenagers!

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