Friday, August 20, 2010

Kate and Lydia's Enrichment and Fitness Program

Kate and I were discussing how much of our time and money go towards enrichment activities for our kids.  Karate, swimming, tennis, baseball, scouts, choir...  Our kids are more enriched than Wonder Bread.  But what about us?  What about mommy?  Why don't we get any enrichment?  I want to take piano and tennis.  I want to swim all winter in an Olympic-sized pool.  But of course not!  Why would we spend and time and money on ourselves?  To become healthier, smarter, more well-rounded people?  That's crazy talk.

Well we just happen to love crazy talk.

We have decided to take advantage of the plethora of enrichment opportunities our community provides that are intended for adults.  At first I was confused.  Who takes these classes?  Adults with free time and extra cash?  Do such people exist?  Are they all retired?  Incarcerated?  When someone says: "I took some classes from the County and they really taught me a lot" - doesn't it sort of sound like they were court-ordered?

We're going to take some classes and they will not be court ordered!  Not this time!  And we need your help to pick what we're going to take.  Because it's us - Kate and Lydia - so we will not be taking Zumba or Jazzercise.  We're going to take something AWESOME.  Rest assured - all these classes are real and we will do whatever we can to enroll in the one you decide to send us to.

Beginner Tap Dancing
Because we would have to buy tap shoes.  I have been waiting my whole damn life to get a pair of tap shoes.  And you know what?  We would insist on a recital at the end of the class and we would wear matching special hats and bedazzled vests and sticky-outy skirts and it would be more amazing than anything anyone has ever seen in a long, long time.  Plus, Gus does it on Psych so you know its bad ass.

Fencing and Historical Swordsmanship
I'm pretty sure that "Historical Swordsmanship" would include some swashbuckling.  I feel that Kate has a pronounced aptitude for swashbuckling because she can be very ruthless.  In her pursuit of high end footwear and the world-wide destruction of clogs.  Imagine if there was a part of class on Highlanders, I would totally ace that test.  There can be only one.

Beginner Skateboarding
We would need to buy some of those black and white checkerboard Vans.  And some "cool" t-shirts.  And maybe one of those hats that Ashton Kutcher used to wear...  And I'm pretty sure it would be us and a bunch of 11 year old boys.  But whatever.  It would be rad.

Conversational Farsi for Beginners
The Cap'n says we will need this so we can communicate with our captors after we get lost hiking.

Krav Maga
Do you know what Krav Maga is?  It's a martial art/hand-to-hand combat/bad ass personal defense thingy that the Israeli military does.  And it's supposed to be "known for its extremely efficient and brutal counter-attacks, as it is also taught to elite special forces around the world".  HOLY CRAP, Y'ALL.  I'm pretty sure this is what I've been looking for since late 1997: my opportunity to finally become a Vampire Slayer. 

Viking Wire Knitting
This class is 5 hours long and teaches you how to make jewelry.  Lydia would like to take it on the off chance that Eric Northman is actually real and not a fictional character so that if she ever runs into him they can have something nice to chat about.

Restaurant Menu Design
We love food and eating out and we are really bad at spelling.  I think we could come up with something pretty special for our final project. And because we totally want to make Stick-on-Chicken with Cunny Sauce and Bell Peepers.

Aqua Kick Boxing
In case we need to defeat the mer-people. Or sharks.  Or the manta ray that killed Steve Irwin because it is still out there. Waiting and swimming. [Too soon? Maybe? Oh.]

Make People Like You Within 90 Seconds!
This class has an exclamation point in its title so you know it's special.  But I would probably meet the instructor and not be able to help myself and the first thing I would say would be "Hi, I'm Lydia. Your class has an exclamation point in the title.  Did you ever wonder about that?" And then the instructor would hate me in the first 90 seconds and I would fail the class. 

Experience the Magic of Phyllo
This class title didn't have an exclamation point but it totally should have.::MAGIC!::. Kate is doing jazz hands and spirit fingers as she says that.  It feels like we might be whisked away to the kitchens at Hogwarts or something.  That would be so great.  I initially would have preferred a different cooking class. One called Vegetarian Lebanese Cuisine but Kate claims she likes meat and prefers men and I was all - Isn't that the same thing?

Classical Japanese Swordsmanship
We could be The Last Samurai.  And in doing so, it would be like saying "Suck it, Tom Cruise." We could wear kimonos and kabuki make-up and pretend when we talk that we're in a badly-dubbed Kurasawa movie and we could this all the time - not just to class. And then we can go to Starbucks and everyone will hate us in 90 seconds.

Choosing Flattering Eyglasses
Setting aside the fact that I don't wear eyeglasses, this class is very intriguing for me.  Because the class is two sessions and four hours long.  The class description says that part of picking the right glasses is to make sure they fit.  And harmonize with your coloring.  And the shape of your face.  This discussion takes four hours?   Kate should teach this glass because she could do it in three minutes: "Hi, I'm Kate, your instructor.  They are the wrong glasses if they make you look ugly and keep falling off.  The End."  I want to go to this class just to meet the other people who signed up for it.  Except that I would be all: "I'm Lydia.  Are you here for the irony?  No? Oh... Sorry." and they would hate me within the 90 seconds.  

Want to send us to a particular class? VOTE HERE!

(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2010

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