Friday, August 20, 2010

Kate and Lydia's Enrichment and Fitness Program

Kate and I were discussing how much of our time and money go towards enrichment activities for our kids.  Karate, swimming, tennis, baseball, scouts, choir...  Our kids are more enriched than Wonder Bread.  But what about us?  What about mommy?  Why don't we get any enrichment?  I want to take piano and tennis.  I want to swim all winter in an Olympic-sized pool.  But of course not!  Why would we spend and time and money on ourselves?  To become healthier, smarter, more well-rounded people?  That's crazy talk.

Well we just happen to love crazy talk.

We have decided to take advantage of the plethora of enrichment opportunities our community provides that are intended for adults.  At first I was confused.  Who takes these classes?  Adults with free time and extra cash?  Do such people exist?  Are they all retired?  Incarcerated?  When someone says: "I took some classes from the County and they really taught me a lot" - doesn't it sort of sound like they were court-ordered?

We're going to take some classes and they will not be court ordered!  Not this time!  And we need your help to pick what we're going to take.  Because it's us - Kate and Lydia - so we will not be taking Zumba or Jazzercise.  We're going to take something AWESOME.  Rest assured - all these classes are real and we will do whatever we can to enroll in the one you decide to send us to.

Beginner Tap Dancing
Because we would have to buy tap shoes.  I have been waiting my whole damn life to get a pair of tap shoes.  And you know what?  We would insist on a recital at the end of the class and we would wear matching special hats and bedazzled vests and sticky-outy skirts and it would be more amazing than anything anyone has ever seen in a long, long time.  Plus, Gus does it on Psych so you know its bad ass.

Fencing and Historical Swordsmanship
I'm pretty sure that "Historical Swordsmanship" would include some swashbuckling.  I feel that Kate has a pronounced aptitude for swashbuckling because she can be very ruthless.  In her pursuit of high end footwear and the world-wide destruction of clogs.  Imagine if there was a part of class on Highlanders, I would totally ace that test.  There can be only one.

Beginner Skateboarding
We would need to buy some of those black and white checkerboard Vans.  And some "cool" t-shirts.  And maybe one of those hats that Ashton Kutcher used to wear...  And I'm pretty sure it would be us and a bunch of 11 year old boys.  But whatever.  It would be rad.

Conversational Farsi for Beginners
The Cap'n says we will need this so we can communicate with our captors after we get lost hiking.

Krav Maga
Do you know what Krav Maga is?  It's a martial art/hand-to-hand combat/bad ass personal defense thingy that the Israeli military does.  And it's supposed to be "known for its extremely efficient and brutal counter-attacks, as it is also taught to elite special forces around the world".  HOLY CRAP, Y'ALL.  I'm pretty sure this is what I've been looking for since late 1997: my opportunity to finally become a Vampire Slayer. 

Viking Wire Knitting
This class is 5 hours long and teaches you how to make jewelry.  Lydia would like to take it on the off chance that Eric Northman is actually real and not a fictional character so that if she ever runs into him they can have something nice to chat about.

Restaurant Menu Design
We love food and eating out and we are really bad at spelling.  I think we could come up with something pretty special for our final project. And because we totally want to make Stick-on-Chicken with Cunny Sauce and Bell Peepers.

Aqua Kick Boxing
In case we need to defeat the mer-people. Or sharks.  Or the manta ray that killed Steve Irwin because it is still out there. Waiting and swimming. [Too soon? Maybe? Oh.]

Make People Like You Within 90 Seconds!
This class has an exclamation point in its title so you know it's special.  But I would probably meet the instructor and not be able to help myself and the first thing I would say would be "Hi, I'm Lydia. Your class has an exclamation point in the title.  Did you ever wonder about that?" And then the instructor would hate me in the first 90 seconds and I would fail the class. 

Experience the Magic of Phyllo
This class title didn't have an exclamation point but it totally should have.::MAGIC!::. Kate is doing jazz hands and spirit fingers as she says that.  It feels like we might be whisked away to the kitchens at Hogwarts or something.  That would be so great.  I initially would have preferred a different cooking class. One called Vegetarian Lebanese Cuisine but Kate claims she likes meat and prefers men and I was all - Isn't that the same thing?

Classical Japanese Swordsmanship
We could be The Last Samurai.  And in doing so, it would be like saying "Suck it, Tom Cruise." We could wear kimonos and kabuki make-up and pretend when we talk that we're in a badly-dubbed Kurasawa movie and we could this all the time - not just to class. And then we can go to Starbucks and everyone will hate us in 90 seconds.

Choosing Flattering Eyglasses
Setting aside the fact that I don't wear eyeglasses, this class is very intriguing for me.  Because the class is two sessions and four hours long.  The class description says that part of picking the right glasses is to make sure they fit.  And harmonize with your coloring.  And the shape of your face.  This discussion takes four hours?   Kate should teach this glass because she could do it in three minutes: "Hi, I'm Kate, your instructor.  They are the wrong glasses if they make you look ugly and keep falling off.  The End."  I want to go to this class just to meet the other people who signed up for it.  Except that I would be all: "I'm Lydia.  Are you here for the irony?  No? Oh... Sorry." and they would hate me within the 90 seconds.  

Want to send us to a particular class? VOTE HERE!

(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2010

48 comments:

  1. I vote for either of the classes involving drunk mommies and swords. Guaranteed to provide interesting anecdotes.

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  2. OMG.... I'm all for the tap dance class... 'cuz Gus taps... and Gus is completely and totally cool. Of course... the Krav Maga sounds cool too. Being able to kick someones ass in a super bad Mossad way sounds REALLY freakin' incredible too.

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  3. I have never heard of Aqua Kickboxing and it sounds OUTSTANDING! Please, please enroll in that class and blog about it.

    BTW, I've done both Jazzercise and Zumba and love them, but if my Y ever offers Aqua Kickboxing or Fencing, I AM TOTALLY THERE.

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  4. You should totally go for the fencing and historical swordsmanship class. I mean, it's not just regular ol' swordsmanship - it's HISTORICAL. You would be enriching your minds and your bodies. Bonus!

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  5. Great post. But as your (new) friend I need to tell you a little story about my 30 year-old husband who decided it would be fun to start skateboarding to work. I kid you not. At first it was fine. He was all, Look at me, Claire! I'm 30 but I can still be "young" and "fun"! But now, one broken foot and huge cast later, I'm not so amused. He can't even carry the baby up the stairs or give our toddler a bath. Hmmm. Maybe I should get a skateboard?!

    My official vote is for Tap lessons. So fun and it involves costumes!

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  6. Tap!! Covers all the bases, and is easily taken everywhere, unlike swords. Plus, you can add in baton twirling for bonus points.

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  7. skate boarding and krav magna

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  8. I used to take belly dancing with my two best girls, through an adult ed program, and it was awesome! (sparkly coin wraps and jewelry!) I vote for tap dancing!

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  9. I love a good "too soon" joke!

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  10. Swashbuckling. Definitely.

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  11. I vote for tap or historical swordsmanship. Mostly the sword class because the historical part makes me think of Historical Romance novels, which leads to thinking of a shirtless instructor with a ripped body:)

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  12. Two words. Krav. Maga.

    I don't know how to pronounce it, therefore you must take it.

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  13. Krav Maga, nobody would ever misbehave in your house again!

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  14. I have a friend who took tap lessons for adults and they totally had a recital with sparkly vests and hats. Do It!

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  15. Do Krav Maga, please! It would make it so much easier for you to square up!

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  16. swords...its all about the swords...think of the HOTTIE instructors...*swoon*

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  17. Krav Maga. You can threaten your children and husbands, and they might laugh at first...until you WIPE THE FLOOR with their pansy backsides! Besides, this is good information to have in case of random ninja attacks. Ninja don't know Krav Maga, so the moves would take them by surprise!

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  18. Can't you take the Krav Maga WHILE wearing tap shoes? Or would your Ninja foes hear you coming?

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  19. ummm... Zumba is TOTALLY awesome-er than any of those classes. :) You-Tube some videos. Makes you dance sexy :)
    But, that martial arts one looks good. I've always wanted to know how to legitimately kick some a$$.
    (tap dancing? really? uh -- no)

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  20. Tap Dancing. Or the Aqua Kickboxing! I'd love to try that, just because!

    I currently take belly dancing for fun. With working full time and going to grad school part-time and having a 3 year old, I needed something that was fun and a stress reliever. Belly dancing is huge fun, and I highly recommend it. You get some really funny looks from people when you tell them that you belly dance also! (And in the last year I've gotten so good that my instructor has asked me to join her belly dance troupe. So I will now be actually a belly dancer and performing too! How awesome is that!)

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  21. Another vote for Krav Maga, here. You would be prepared for anything after that class: muggers, ninjas, zombies, vampires, creepy guys who sell bounce houses, the laundry fairy. Anything.

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  22. I vote for Japanese swordsmanship!

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  23. Is there anyway to combine the tap dancing and the swards? Because that would be awesome. If it wasn't lethal, of course.

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  24. I would totally do the Viking Jewelry class for the same reason as Lydia. Love me some Eric, but yeah, Tap dancing. That's AWESOME!

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  25. Combine the historical swordsmanship with the Krav Maga. Excellent.....medieval Mossad kick ass action.

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  26. Yes: Tap Dancing, Fencing & Historical Swordsmanship, Japanese Swordsmanship, Beginner Skateboarding

    Krav Maga sounds like a fancy self-defense class.

    Maybe one of you should take Historical Swordsmanship and the other should take Japanese Swordsmanship. Then you should have a battle royale. The winner gets a t-shirt that says, "Suck it, Fancy. My sword is bigger than yours!" Or maybe the loser should have to wear that.

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  27. Krav Maga! I also think belly dancing should be added to the list just because it's AWESOME.

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  28. Tap or Japanese Swordsmanship get my vote!

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  29. Wow, I'm seriously in the minority here but I have to vote for the eyeglasses class, just on the "WHUCK?" factor alone!! It is admittedly far less practical than the Krav Maga or the sword-related classes, which teach you to kick serious butt...but I still have to vote for the glasses!

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  30. No one talks to Eric Northman without my permission ;)

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  31. If I was picking a class for myself, I'd probably go with tap. But since I'm picking one for you, and I want you to have funny things to write about, I vote for Krav Maga ... whatever the heck that is.

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  32. I vote you do tap!! I do it. I suck at it. Women 30 years my senior kick ass at it. But it's fun to make noise with your feet. Bonus points for the Psych reference!

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  33. I first read that Fencing and Hysterical Swordsmanship, which essentially is what it would end up being. "Don't jab me there, you pirate whore!"...causing you to be hated in 90 seconds. Just think how cool doing the Maude face while yielding a sword would be! Nobody will give you any schmidt, and if they do, they'll soon regret it.

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  34. "Krav Maga" sounds insanely fun & powerful, but just the thought exhausts me (3 kids under 4 & haven't slept well in 3 yrs...lol). Out of pure curiousity, I would pick "Make people like you within 90 seconds" because I can see it as something you can take your BFF too & laugh hysterically to yourselves the whole time, but I am sure I would be ridiculously annoyed by the thought people wouldn't like me "just because" & a list of things I could do better. (Sorry folks, if you don't like me... your bad.. sucka). Anyhoo, I vote for Aqua Kick Boxing because: You're still learning to Kick butt. You are not going to totally regret the 1st class when you wake up the next morning unable to move. During class, you cannot get overheated & sweaty because you are IN WATER. AND after kicking your agression out with your BFF, you will probably end up toner & happier. Win-Win-Win.

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  35. Tap dance. Because you would HAVE TO post the video of your recital, and I really want to know what you guys look like. And if you are wearing rhinestones and hoop skirts and make-up like Jon-Benet? Even yesser.

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  36. The "Aqua Kickboxing" is also known as "Fancy Drowning", so don't do it because you are not expendable. So, tap dancing it is.

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  37. I say tap dancing! I have always wanted to do that. Plus you get some exercise from it. And we totally need video of the recital!

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  38. I have to go with the Eye Glasses Class as I have been banned from selecting glasses by myself. I figure if I take a class I could then select my own.

    I would take Aqua Kickboxing if my Y offered it.

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  39. My husband and one of his buddies took a couple of trial Krav Maga classes. It's was a serious butt kicking hour of exercise. Very difficult - and he is fairly fit. I'm not sure I would want to do it. I think the Aqua Kickboxing sounds about right.

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  40. I have taken part in a program called "chivalrous swordhandling" at the local college, which sounds a lot like your "Fencing and Historical Swordsmanship". It was a combination of European broadsword and Japanese katana techniques, along with some sparring. It was a LOT of fun! I highly recommend it.

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  41. If it was possible, I would tell you to bring your funny selves to Grand Rapids and take some taekwon-do from me and MY best friend.... but in the absence of that, I would definitely recommend Krav Maga. I am a big believer in personal safety and while tap shoes may be fun, the idea of having to tap for safety is disconcerting....

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  42. Tap dance... and make your kids sit through the recital as payback... I always told my girlfriend's daughters we were all gonna take an adult class and make them come to a recital while we danced around a large martini glass cutout.... Of course, we tailgated in the parking lot at the intermission of the recital... it was in the coffee decanter.

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  43. Lol - I vote for Fencing. Gotta love the outfits.

    Though honestly, I would have seriously suggested Belly Dancing. I've been doing it for a few years, and it's awesomeness squared on multiple levels.

    Although I am sooooo with Lydia on the hope that Viking Wire Knitting would secure a mutually satisfying interaction with Eric Northman...mmmm

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  44. I took tap dancing lessons after I retired (59). $100.00 for the shoes and I was really excited. The instructor was about 19 and immediately tried to kill me. The class did nothing for my bum knee, wrecked ankles or my self esteem. I always thought I'd be a really good tap dancer.

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