Thursday, August 19, 2010

Letters From MommyLand: Drunks and Kids are Kinda the Same...Kinda

We've been asking questions all day: "Where did you find that dead -- what is that?" and "You didn't just lick the floor, did you?" and "Wait -- who? is where? doing what? how? WHUCK!?"  It's kinda like being in a kid-version of Clue, but no one is dead (yet) and you're aimlessly wandering from room to room trying to get clues as to what the hell just happened...and guessing is. just...bad.

Or, it could be like this letter we got:

I am a bartender, and not in a fancy-schmancy, martini bar, fufu swankytown kinda joint, or any place that requires an employee dress code. I work at a suburban neighborhood bar. It is a cute, nice little place with a zillion regulars and super cheap drinks. Translation: sloppiness.

People say, "Oh, I bet it is nice for you to get out of the house and come to work for some adult interaction!" ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?!?! I use my mommy-voice, The Look and The Maude Face more with these jackholes than with my kids. Nothing could better prepare me for this job than motherhood. I am just the administrator of what equates to an adult playgroup. One thing I really do like about it though is when I square up, I really do get to kick some drunk arse... ahhh... It is so therapeutic. I can't tell you how much I LOVE to boot someone from the playgroup when the time comes. Here are some examples of quotes used in my two positions. You will see how they are *totally* interchangeable.
  • "Yes! You can absolutely use your inside voice... OUTSIDE."
  • "Where are your pants?"
  • "That is NOT for climbing!"
  • "Who is puking??!?!!"
  • "Where did you get that? Is it YOURS? Then put it down now."
  • "Keep your hands to yourself!"
  • "DO NOT THROW THINGS!"
  • "Put your BUTT on that chair!"
  • "Get down from there!"
  • "Wait your TURN!"
  • "Here, let me see. OK, here is some ice. Now EVERYONE just calm down and take a break. You sit here. You, go over there and DO SOMETHING ELSE!"
  • "Is that how you are supposed to use that? That is how people get hurt."
The. End.

(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2010

7 comments:

  1. lol I remember well working at the neighborhood bar. I sooo relate!

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  2. Awesome! I have thought for years that being a baby is kind of like being drunk—no motor skills, wet your pants, laugh at the littlest things, stare at pretty colors—and that growing up is likely slowly getting more and more sober.. (Which is why kids and drunk people are the most entertaining dancers at weddings!)

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  3. Sounds eerily similar to some of the stuff I have to say when I work in a laundromat.

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  4. Entirely true. And hysterical.

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