Friday, August 13, 2010

MommyLand SleepAway Camp

Now that summer is winding down, summer camps are ending and school is starting up, we thought it was time to do a little reflecting on the Summer of 2010. Between the mad rush to get into camps and swim team, followed by the mad rush to get to camps and swim team, the USM (that's the United States of MommyLand -- we're still waiting for NATO recognition. It'll totally happen...) faced the trifecta of summer disasters: too much TV, too much whining, and too late bedtimes.

We enter this school year already exhausted, irritated and wondering if our little demons charming children save up all their demonic behaviour frivolity through the school year, and unleash it as soon as summer begins.

Our resident expert panel -- consisting of Kate, Lydia, Aunt Mary and a surprisingly-intrigued-by-the-girl-talk Randy the Laundry Fairy -- has determined that next year, it's our turn to go to camp.

Sleep. Away. Camp.

We scoured the corners of the globe [Editor's Note: OK, Randy did. Which is why he was on the panel. He can travel globally so much faster than we can. Stupid Fairy. -Kate] to find the perfect sleep away camp. Turns out, it was way easier to make our own. Mostly because our primary reason to go to camp isn't to lose weight or get healed or run into Lindsay Lohan. Ummm, hello? It's to escape.

So, we invite you all to join us next summer at MommyLand Sleepaway Camp.

Some of our MSC’s programs include:
  • Rigorous Calisthenics: We start every morning with exercises designed to tone up and shape your whole body. Deep, plush armchairs and sofas will tone your bum and thighs as you wander from one gossip circle to another, gathering the latest celebrity misdeeds and arrests. A dizzying array of US Weekly, OK!, Star, People and the National Enquirer will help shape your arms; their tough regime of picking up, holding and flipping pages will leave you pleasantly sore (we’ll even throw in a surprise paper cut or two for a few lucky campers!) And, if that’s not enough to start your day off right, we fully stock our Spa with the latest versions of Moo Wedgies, guaranteed to put a workout in that sagging jawline – talking trash has never been this rigorous!
  • Sweat Equity: After breakfast, it’s off to sweat it out and burn some calories. Held on our sprawling grounds, chaise lounges will beckon you to take them for a spin. Our exclusive deal with the world’s expert in heat therapy, The Sun, will put you through the paces as he moves across our lawns. It’s a tough workout, and not for the faint-hearted. You’ll be tempted to try out the less rigorous Shade Chaise, but The Sun won’t give up until the day is over! His regimens vary from day to day, so you don’t want to miss out. But, we promise, it’s not over until at least one bead of sweat crosses your brow. Or, in between your boobs.
  • Aqua: It’s a dizzying array of options at our exclusive H2O Club. Set right at the edge of the coveted, private MommyLand Beach, you’ll find every kind of water therapy you may need. Take your pick of all our fabulous options. Whether it’s a private soaking tub with fully stocked book and magazine selection, our 800-gallon-per-minute Swedish shower filled with body scrubs and oils, or a dip in one of our jacuzzis or hot tubs, H2O has something for all our campers. For those interested in group activities, our Olympic size swimming pool is the perfect place to wander around and chat. Or, if you’re feeling like a bigger challenge, take a stroll along our child-free shoreline. You’ve never seen a beach this quiet.
  • Nutrition: Our cadre of chefs use only the best and freshest ingredients, from the limes grown in our very own groves for your Margarita to the coconuts plucked every morning for your Pina Coladas. And, in the evening, wines from our world famous winery, What Kids?, are yours to enjoy in our exclusive MSC handcrafted wine glasses. Holding an impressive 48 ounces of anything from Pinot Grigio to Cabernet Sauvignon, you’re sure to become a connoisseur in no time.
  • Mind/Body/Spirit: We’ve brought in the very best roshis, gurus, pinyins, osho, deganawidah and Zen masters to create our Mind/Body/Spirit Chamber. Twenty rooms of living space provide our guests with the tranquillity of a clean, quiet and serene household. We’ve spared no expense to make this the house of your dreams and nothing like the one you’ve left during your stay. Here, you’ll find rooms blissfully free of toys, laundry or dirty dishes. The kitchen is not only free of any messes, but is strategically designed to not work. Sounds of *nothing* will fill the room.
  • Cardio Conditioning: Nightly group cardio classes will get your heart pumping. Our state of the art facility uses the latest techniques – Twilight, True Blood, Daniel Craig, Jon Hamm and many, many more – to get your blood flowing. It’s such a fun workout, you may not even realize that you’re getting exercise! Add in our signature 48 ounce wine glasses in each hand, and every move you make just burns more calories. Never mind the fact that you’re old enough to be Taylor Lautner’s mother; here, age is just another number you lie about.
  • Nightly Rejuvenation: We’ll send you off to bed every night with our specially designed program tailored to your individual needs. Trashy novels in some rooms; repeating episodes of Law & Order in others. Our mommy-designed rooms will provide you with a night’s sleep free of the sounds of crying babies, snoring husbands or obnoxious neighbors. You’ll also find our rooms magically cleaned – by someone else – while you’re away for the day. And, blissfully free of laundry or mirrors. [Editor's Note: Unless you're a Kate. Or, just Kate. -Lydia]  All guaranteed to give you that elusive sleep you’ll need for your next rigorous day.
Our 14-week sessions begin the day after school lets out. And, we have experts on hand 24 hours a day to handle frantic calls from clueless husbands, overworked nannies and "oh, we'll have a great time" grandparents who will surely find out just how hard your job is. But don't you worry; radical technological advances at MSC make it impossible for cell phones to work between you and the outside world. Text your camp girlfriends all you want, knowing your phone is safe from "where is the toilet paper?" and "no milk" emails from home.

We'll send you back just in time for the new school year to begin. Which is just about the time your children will run out of evilness frivolity.

It's going to be a great summer. We can't wait to see you!

The Staff of the MSC

(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2010

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