Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Overheard at the Beach

So, she had to go hundreds of miles from home to hone her Mad Sharpie/Newspaper Skills...fortunately for Kate, no one knew what she was doing. It. Was. Epic.

Kid: Mom! Did you know that pee tastes like salt?
Mom: What? How do you --?
Kid: So, I had to go...so I went. And then I jumped in the ocean and it was all salty. I didn't know pee was salty, but it IS!
Mom: You jumped in right where you peed?
Kid: Ummm, no.

Boy, to sister: Can I have the shovel?
Girl: Hold on. I'm using it.
Boy, yelling to father: DAD! Kelly won't share the shovel!
Dad: One more minute son, and then it's your turn.
Boy: NO FAIR! She's gonna use up all the sand.

Woman, to friend at surfside bar: This might not be our best idea.
Friend: What? Oh. You mean vodka at noon when it's 90 degrees outside?
Woman: Yeah. Maybe we should get something to hydrate ourselves.
Friend, to bartender: Can we see the wine list? [to woman] I'm thinking white...right?

Man: Hon, where are the waters?
Woman: In the cooler.
Man: Where's the cooler?
Woman: [points] There. Jeez.
Man: I can't get it open. How do you work this damn thing?
Woman: Jesus, Michael. I'm trying to have a f**king vacation here. Can you shut up already?

Girl: Mom, can you help me? I have sand everywhere.
Mom: We'll shower when we get home.
Girl: Mooooooommmmm. It's in my --you know.
Mom, stifling laughter: Go rinse off in the surf. And, kinda hold out your swimsuit so the water can rinse it out.
Girl: I already tried that. And then I fell. And now there's more in there. I'm all grindy.

Lefty: When we get home, I'm riding the elevator. By. My. Self.
McGee: That's fine. I'm going to go watch Twilight in the theater room.
Lefty: The elevator is way better than the theater. We need that at our house.
McGee: Our house is lame.
Lefty: I know. No elevator. No theater. And that little refrigerator that has just wine for mom.
McGee: We do have one of those at home. By the big windows.
Lefty: No we don't.
McGee: Uh-huh. It's just empty all the time.
Lefty: OH! Yeah.

[couple riding this singularly *awesome* family bicycle with two seats in front, two in back -- all with pedals -- and two little kids in the jump seat in front of the parents.]

Boy: Daddy! Go faster!
Dad: I'm trying son. [looks at wife] This is harder than I thought.
Mom: Turn around.
[Dad looks at the grandparents in the back, who are doing nothing]
Dad: Ummm, hey Dad? Could use a little help here...
Grandpa: I don't think we need to go any faster. Does that help?

[Editor's Note: Kate was literally speed walking along to keep up with this conversation. And wrote it on her arm because she didn't have a newspaper. You'd have thought they would have bicycled faster just to get away from her. But, no.]

Guy, to two women sitting at a bar: Do you all know a good place for us to go for more drinks? Maybe with music? [Leers a little bit, while staring at her chest]
Woman: Gay or straight?
Guy: Straight. [pauses, looks at his friend] Straight? [friend does the open hand WTF gesture] Yeah, definitely straight.
Woman: Spuma is fun.
Guy: Spuma?
Woman: Yeah, it means sea foam in Portuguese.
Guy: So, what, you have to be *Portuguese* to get in there or something?
Woman: Uhh, no. You just have to be *well read.* [under breath] Jackass.
Woman's friend, after the guys leave: You should have sent them to the wrong bar.
Woman:  I did.

(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2010


  1. This conversation happens in my house almost daily and we aren't even on vacation:

    Hus: Hon, where are the _______?
    Me: It's ________ (where they have always been since the beginning of time).
    Hus: I can't find it/work it.
    Me: Jesus, [dear husband]! I'm trying to relax/ read Rants from Mommyland/ have a drink/ watch TV/ have a f**king moment of anti-servitude here. Can you use your big Google brain and figure it out already?

  2. Yeah, I somehow became the Google search engine at my house too.

  3. I guess we are all more alike than we realize, I search for everything - Oh and it is always my fault if something cannot be found instantly! Heaven forbid you have to move the milk to find the OJ!

  4. Husband: Honey, where is the ironing board?
    Me: Same place it's always been, darling.
    Husband: Ohhhhh, in the understairs cupboard, right?
    Me: Why don't you try there?
    Husband: Oh. We don't HAVE a cupboard there, huh?
    Me: Nope. That was the last house. Six years ago.

  5. My favorite is when Husband IS on Google/MS Word and ask me how to spell something. Just for kicks I spelled out veer slowly as he typed it in: j.a.c.k.a.s.s.
    That got his attention :)

  6. LMAO so glad they sent them to the wrong bar. Love it!

  7. I love how, as Moms, we become the keeper of ALL THINGS in our homes.... whether or not we actually brought it in/purchased it/put it away... or have EVER seen it. My children have inherited my husbands inability to find ANYTHING. The move the juice to find the milk thing.... yeah, happens almost daily.

  8. It makes me so Crazy when he can't find something that's been in the same place since forEVER. If you can't find the broom, that is obvious proof to me that you do NOT help around the house at ALL, let alone as much as You think you do. And when traveling, the diapers and wipes are ALWAYS in the diaper bag, genius. Playing dumb won't get you out of it. LOL

  9. On the finding theme, my DH asks about his own stuff that he put somewhere (shoes, hat, etc.). I usually know, and he really has no idea. What's up with that?

  10. Man: Hon, where are the waters?
    Woman: In the cooler.
    Man: Where's the cooler?
    Woman: [points] There. Jeez.
    Man: I can't get it open. How do you work this damn thing?
    Woman: Jesus, Michael. I'm trying to have a f**king vacation here. Can you shut up already?

    Wow, I can't believe you overheard me having a conversation with my husband. I mean, except that his name isn't Michael.

  11. OMG the conversation between the guy who can't find the freaking waters and his long-suffering wife is AWESOME. Love all the comments here, too! Buffy ... the Google search engine comparison is a REVELATION!! :-D

  12. And then the flip side....

    Me: Honey, I can't find my [object]. Have you seen it?

    Hubby: [without looking] How am I supposed to know where it is?




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