Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Overheard At the -- Everywhere

I think the pool may be catching on to my newspaper and sharpie trick. Had to branch out. Fortunately for me, there are plenty of whack people willing to say completely random things in front of total strangers. Strangers with Sharpies.

At the airport: Gate Agent, over speaker: "Ladies and Gentlemen, we'll now begin boarding for Delta flight four-twenty-six, service to Atlanta. We'll be starting with the - what? [speaker cuts off, then two agents talking] "What happened to the Atlanta flight?" Other agent: "Left 45 minutes ago." First agent: "Really? Good for them."  [speaker back on]  "Actually, this flight is going to Tampa Bay! Aren't you guys clever?"

In a tattoo parlor: Girl, to her friend: "Does it hurt?" Other girl: "No, why would it?" "Ummm, because of the needles?" "Shut up, there's no needles. The ink just seeps in, like those birth control patches -- OH! Those things totally don't work, by the way."

On the street: Girl, to her friends "...to see 'Inception' with him. Eww, I hate these grate things. [slinks around it] I'm always afraid I'm going to fall through." Friend: "Like slip between the grates?" [laughs] Other Friend: "Me too! Oh, she just said you're fat..." Friend: "Did not! You can't fall through it. Girl: "Yeah, but it can, like, collapse in. Ya bitch." Other Friend: "Ang, now you just called yourself fat." Friend: "You both suck and I hope you both fall in, you fat bitches." [then shoves Girl onto a grate, who screams]

Inside the convenience store: Woman, to clerk: "Do you have Pelligrino?" Clerk: "Huh?" Woman: "Pelligrino? Or Perrier? Maybe Voss?" [clerk slowly shaking her head] "How about Club Soda?" Clerk: "Umm, we got soda pop, beer and water. Or a slushee. All them other things, I don't even know what you're saying."

In the elevator: Guy, to other guy "God, this elevator reeks of stale beer, cigarettes and sweat." Other guy: "Uhh, I think that actually may be us."

More at the airport: Woman, complaining loudly to friend at the security checkpoint: "Ugh. I hate this. We might as well just strip down naked first. TSA guy, muttering: "You? No thanks. Her? [looks at friend] Yeah. That'd be a good day at work."

Airport Shuttle Bus: Driver, to couple: "Which airline? Couple, at the same time: "Delta." "American." Girl: "Wait. What? It's Delta." Guy: "No, it's American." [they pull out papers and compare] Girl: "Really, John? We're on two different flights! To. Our. Honeymoon!" [shifts several seats away] "Been married to you for 24 hours and I already think you're an jackass." [Editor's Note: He got off the shuttle bus first...he didn't seem to upset to be leaving her on the bus. I'm just sayin'. - Kate]

Woman to Flight Attendant, on a very, very long flight delay: "Any idea how much longer." Flight Attendant: "Sorry, no. We'll go when the weather clears. [smiles] It's all up to God now. Woman: "Yeah, well, [laughs] he's startin' to piss me off..."

More in the tattoo parlor: Guy, looking at picture of naked girl: "Ooh, maybe I can get this." Friend: "Tiffany will body slam you if she sees you with some naked girl on you.And then dump you." Guy: "Yeah, but she's got great t*ts. I think I'll get over it."

Hotel Front Desk: Woman, to guest: "OK, you go through the lobby, past the bar, then make a right, go down the hall past the ballrooms, make another right through the glass doors, end of the hall, make a left and then another quick right. There you'll find the elevator banks." Man: "Ma'am, are the elevators for this hotel in this hotel? You lost me after you said 'the bar'."

At the next table: Guy, to friend: "We've driven from New York to Miami before. Twenty-seven hours. And then you FINALLY get to Florida and you're like 'YEA! FLORIDA!' And ten hours later, you're like'f**king hell, we're still in Florida'."

Gas Station: Man pulls up to pump and gets out: "Sunuva--I swear to the holy high with a twist and a cherry!" [gets back in, slams door, and drives to other side of pump, gets out] "...ckin' car makers put the damn gas cap on the same damn side of the damn car." [pulls on little door, which is apparently locked] "...the hell? [walks back to drivers side muttering stuff] "...f**king rental..." [lots of moving around in the car, then returns to pump, opens little door and kicks a dent in the side of the car] "There you go. Gas pump is now on the same side of the car as the dent, a$$holes."

Even more in the tattoo parlor: Girl, waiting for her friend: "How much longer? I'm getting a little drunk." [looks at one of those 40 ounce beer cans] "Wow...this beer is TALL. I wish I was tall like this."

(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2010

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