At the airport: Gate Agent, over speaker: "Ladies and Gentlemen, we'll now begin boarding for Delta flight four-twenty-six, service to Atlanta. We'll be starting with the - what? [speaker cuts off, then two agents talking] "What happened to the Atlanta flight?" Other agent: "Left 45 minutes ago." First agent: "Really? Good for them." [speaker back on] "Actually, this flight is going to Tampa Bay! Aren't you guys clever?"
In a tattoo parlor: Girl, to her friend: "Does it hurt?" Other girl: "No, why would it?" "Ummm, because of the needles?" "Shut up, there's no needles. The ink just seeps in, like those birth control patches -- OH! Those things totally don't work, by the way."
On the street: Girl, to her friends "...to see 'Inception' with him. Eww, I hate these grate things. [slinks around it] I'm always afraid I'm going to fall through." Friend: "Like slip between the grates?" [laughs] Other Friend: "Me too! Oh, she just said you're fat..." Friend: "Did not! You can't fall through it. Girl: "Yeah, but it can, like, collapse in. Ya bitch." Other Friend: "Ang, now you just called yourself fat." Friend: "You both suck and I hope you both fall in, you fat bitches." [then shoves Girl onto a grate, who screams]
Inside the convenience store: Woman, to clerk: "Do you have Pelligrino?" Clerk: "Huh?" Woman: "Pelligrino? Or Perrier? Maybe Voss?" [clerk slowly shaking her head] "How about Club Soda?" Clerk: "Umm, we got soda pop, beer and water. Or a slushee. All them other things, I don't even know what you're saying."
In the elevator: Guy, to other guy "God, this elevator reeks of stale beer, cigarettes and sweat." Other guy: "Uhh, I think that actually may be us."
More at the airport: Woman, complaining loudly to friend at the security checkpoint: "Ugh. I hate this. We might as well just strip down naked first. TSA guy, muttering: "You? No thanks. Her? [looks at friend] Yeah. That'd be a good day at work."
Airport Shuttle Bus: Driver, to couple: "Which airline? Couple, at the same time: "Delta." "American." Girl: "Wait. What? It's Delta." Guy: "No, it's American." [they pull out papers and compare] Girl: "Really, John? We're on two different flights! To. Our. Honeymoon!" [shifts several seats away] "Been married to you for 24 hours and I already think you're an jackass." [Editor's Note: He got off the shuttle bus first...he didn't seem to upset to be leaving her on the bus. I'm just sayin'. - Kate]
Woman to Flight Attendant, on a very, very long flight delay: "Any idea how much longer." Flight Attendant: "Sorry, no. We'll go when the weather clears. [smiles] It's all up to God now. Woman: "Yeah, well, [laughs] he's startin' to piss me off..."
More in the tattoo parlor: Guy, looking at picture of naked girl: "Ooh, maybe I can get this." Friend: "Tiffany will body slam you if she sees you with some naked girl on you.And then dump you." Guy: "Yeah, but she's got great t*ts. I think I'll get over it."
Hotel Front Desk: Woman, to guest: "OK, you go through the lobby, past the bar, then make a right, go down the hall past the ballrooms, make another right through the glass doors, end of the hall, make a left and then another quick right. There you'll find the elevator banks." Man: "Ma'am, are the elevators for this hotel in this hotel? You lost me after you said 'the bar'."
At the next table: Guy, to friend: "We've driven from New York to Miami before. Twenty-seven hours. And then you FINALLY get to Florida and you're like 'YEA! FLORIDA!' And ten hours later, you're like'f**king hell, we're still in Florida'."
Gas Station: Man pulls up to pump and gets out: "Sunuva--I swear to the holy high with a twist and a cherry!" [gets back in, slams door, and drives to other side of pump, gets out] "...ckin' car makers put the damn gas cap on the same damn side of the damn car." [pulls on little door, which is apparently locked] "...the hell? [walks back to drivers side muttering stuff] "...f**king rental..." [lots of moving around in the car, then returns to pump, opens little door and kicks a dent in the side of the car] "There you go. Gas pump is now on the same side of the car as the dent, a$$holes."
Even more in the tattoo parlor: Girl, waiting for her friend: "How much longer? I'm getting a little drunk." [looks at one of those 40 ounce beer cans] "Wow...this beer is TALL. I wish I was tall like this."
(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2010