Thursday, August 19, 2010

Top Ten Question Mommies Are Forced to Ask

I find myself asking my kids some truly ridiculous questions and it drives me batty.  Here is a sampling... 

10. What the hell did I just step in?

9. Whose underpants are these and why are they in the silverware drawer?

8. Why. Won't. You. Just. Go. To. SLEEP?  Do you hate mommy?

7. What are you eating?  Are you sure that's food?

6. All right... Who pooped?

5. What is this black thing next to my ear that I am talking into?!  

4.  What do you mean you only have one shoe?

3. Why is the baby all wet?  Oh no.  Who left the bathroom door open?

2. Is this a puddle of apple juice?  Please tell me it's apple juice...

1. Where did you learn that word?  Oh.  Let's not tell Daddy that, OK?

(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2010


  1. May I add a few?

    Why are there underpants hanging from the fence again?

    What am I doing right now? I'm DRIVING. That's why I can't turn around and look at you while you cross your eyes.

  2. Why is it that the kids go crazy and get all loud when we get on the phone? All rules fly out the door, and they magically forget how to behave as soon as that phone is to my ear! URGH!

  3. At least once a day I tell my kids "yet ANOTHER thing I should never have to say OUTLOUD!!"

  4. Yup... number 8 was our big question when my then four-year-old refused to sleep.
    Nodding along with kate in michigan's driving question.

    These are my most frequent:

    "Did you not just hear me tell your brother not to do that? WHY would it be OK for YOU to do the same thing?"
    (the boys are usually standing RIGHT next to each other when this happens)

    Why aren't you wearing underpants? (otherwise fully dressed kid)

  5. How about things we wish we didn't have to say like "Do not tape up your baby brother!" To my 19 month old about my 5 month old...and "Where did you get that tape from?"

  6. I just did a post on this. Must mean I am not alone in the frustration surrounding underpants anywhere but on where they are supposed to be! Love it! Check it out if you can....

  7. OMG last week I noticed my 3 y/o daughter chewing on something while playing outside. After chasing her around yelling "what is in your mouth! Give it to me now!" for 5 minutes, she stops and said "oh Mommy, it was just a boogie." Eeeewwww. But of all the things outside she could have had in her mouth I guess a boogie isn't the worst thing...but still...eeew.

  8. Guilty as charged!!

    * How would you like it if I bit YOU?
    * Do you really think it's okay to sit on your brother's head?
    * Why are you eating Splenda out of the package and how did you unlock the pantry door?
    * Have you lost your mind? (Said approximately 6,000,000,000 over any given weekend.)

  9. addendum:

    Didn't I just ask you NOT to put the cat in the bathtub?

    Why would you think jumping over a glass of water in the kitchen is a good idea?

    and my favorite quote from my BFF

    You can't play video games in the car until you finish your french fries...

  10. Do you have a driver's license? Nope. Alrighty then, when you have a driver's license you can tell me that we are going the wrong way, should turn now, can't turn on red, etc. Until then, I am the only one in the car with a driver's license which means I'm the only one that knows all the driving rules! And yes, I know this is not the way we usually go and when you have a driver's license you will see there is more than one way to get almost everywhere.

  11. This has happened at least once to most mothers I know: "Get that out of there! [Toys/food/whatever] do not go in your vagina!" Really? REALLY, toddler girls? Does that *need* to be said? Apparently, yes. Yes it does.

    And...somehow I routinely end up with children's dirty underwear stuff in my coat or pants pocket. Because that doesn't make me look like a pedophile AT ALL.

  12. New to your blog and have been loving it. . . love it!

    I especially love the last one. One of my daughters first words was sh**. She would stand in her crib, throw out her toys, and say "Oh sh**" My husband isn't a swearer, so I didn't have a scapegoat. I had to tell everyone at church, "I just don't know where she could have heard it!"

  13. Are you freaking kidding me!?!?!

    I say that one a lot. My kids always respond by telling me that freaking is a bad word.

  14. Guilty as charged on the last one! My DH and I don't watch our language around our DD because the majority of the people we hang around with tend to swear like sailors coming off of leave. So we just inform her of what she can and cannot say...well this backfired on us once or twice. Like the time I put corn on my DD's plate for lunch and she looks at me and says "What the F...?!" I explained to her that she doesn't get to say that, yadda yadda yadda.

    The next day I got a call from daycare because my DD being the smart, kind, sharing child that she is decided that she was going to take her new found information and inform all the kids at daycare that "Only Mommy and Daddy get to say WTF!!"

  15. I just tell people that f**k is 'frog' (they really sound the same when she says them. I just about had a heart attack the first time she saw Kermit.) s**t is 'sit' or 'spit' depending on context, and bewbie is really our cat 'Ludi'... she can't make L sounds yet. How cute, right? And of course her diaper area is a pooter (boys have peeners.)

  16. Ha ha ha! I will never forget the day my hubby went to daycare and the provider asked him, "Do you KNOW what BooBoo said today?" ummmmm - he was worried and then it was lame like stupid-head or something equally benine. Whew!

  17. Haha, LOVE IT! Laughing so hard. As a single dad, I've said every one of those. And #1, you're seriously busted.

    But I have been many a time too.

    Single Dad Laughing

  18. here are some of mine...
    Who left the milk open?
    Who was making tea and left it uall over the floor?
    Why is the cereal box in the tub?

  19. Oh, Kelli! Yes! Yes! Yes! (in an almost "When Harry Met Sally" tone...) I tell my 6yo at least once a week that he doesn't get his drivers license for ten more years...

  20. OMG these are so great! I had a moment when my youngest (around 18 months) had something in his hand that I only noticed as I was putting him into his car seat. "What the heck is that you are putting in your mouth?" To my shock and horror it was a "tootsie roll" that he must have pulled out of the catbox as we were trying to get everyone out the door. Once I realized what it was, I then had to force it out of his hand and he threw the biggest fit ever!


  21. I didn't have kids for years after hearing my older sister offering sage advice to her kids while on the phone with me: Do not put the cat in the trash compactor!! do not lick the trash can!!!

  22. I work in a preschool for children with disabilities. Everyday I say "other people go to work and don't say the following: Are you going potty? Did you go pee or poop? Honey, take your hand out of your pants. Take that out of your mouth. Swallow please. What do you have in your mouth? Are you going to throw up? GET THE GARBAGE CAN! Did you poop in your pants? Someone pooped. Do a sniff around so we can figure out who it is. No, honey, she doesn't want that in her mouth either."

    You get the gist.

  23. I always feel a little weird telling my kids they can't have an ice cream or soda until they finish their burger and fries. I feel like what I'm really saying is, "Finish your fat before you get any sugar." That's why we don't eat out much....

  24. The first one I ever said, over 9 years ago...that made me stop and say to myself "What did I just say?": "Samuel, did you or the dog poop in the shower?" (I never did find out the answer...) I've lost track now, but that one stands out as THE one.

    Also, re: swearing. You haven't felt like a bad mother until you've had your three year old correct your swearing:
    Me: Oh, Shoot, I forgot...
    Him: Mama, you're not supposed to say shoot, you're supposed to say S**T.

  25. Love it! You might like this book called Go the F*ck to Sleep:

  26. My wife just sent this to me. I'm sorry, but the most interesting question I have ever had to ask my children in public was at a Renn Faire... "Would you please take your finger out of the gnome's butt?". Almost felt that I needed to buy the poor violated "Naughty Gnome" garden statue.

  27. Wow! I was asking #8 over and over again last night when my birthday girl was awake all night long and then after maybe 2hrs of sleep proceeds to wake up and is totally ready for the day!

  28. "Okay, let's all get our shoes on and --

    Every day.




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