Sunday, August 1, 2010

Worst Mom Awards: The Acceptance Speech

Kate & Lydia proudly present Erika, mother of three four five twenty-seven children and the Sally Field "you like me! you really, really like me!" winner of the Worst Mom Award. Erika, you totally deserve this. Really.

xoxo Kate & Lydia


I gratefully accept the Cease-to-be-a-Mom Award for Worst Mom in the History of Ever (Who Is Not a Felon).

I truly appreciate this contest, as according to my state law, I am prohibited from entering the contest Worst Mom in the History of Ever (Not Charged With a Misdemeanor)! Even though it was just that one time. I swear.

First of all I’d like to thank the tequila shooters that got me to that place – that place being a single mom of twins. Although I suppose I could take some responsibility for that night. I was, at least, old enough (barely) to purchase alcohol legally. (Although clearly not yet mature enough to understand the appeal of T-Boxes.)

I’d like to thank my egg for attaching (and then splitting into twins) just before summer, leaving me most pregnant in the winter. I really saved a lot of energy on my heating bill. As I am currently pregnant with #5 now, and it’s the hottest summer in the history of ever, I am grateful.

Now, before you go thinking, OMG IT’S ANOTHER ONE OF “THOSE” MOMS, let me explain a few things:

  1. Thanks to the internet, I’m now married. And I don’t mean that in an email-order bride way either. Although I did meet my husband on the website Hot or Not.
  2. After we met, my parents hired a private detective to do a complete background check on him before we could get married. (Because who in their right mind would want to marry a tequila-shooting, colace-nipple-rubbing single mom of twins?!?!?) He passed with the nerdiest colors on the spectrum. I call him My Chemical Romance.
  3. He adopted the Stool Softener Twins (aka Animal and Mineral), and we had two more kids after that (The Informant! and My Masterpiece) and another on the way --
  4. Neither of us is Amish. Or Catholic. Or a relative of the Duggar’s. I simply continue doing this because --
  5. The more kids you have, the more you can blame stuff on them! Whee!
Yes, blaming my children for finishing the last of the ice cream/Red Bull/laundry detergent is just another example of why I truly deserve to be called the Worst Mom in the History of Ever. You see, I am an only child. When the last cookie disappeared from the box of Oreos, I had nobody to blame but the dog. Or the housekeeper. I could see, even as a young child, that this was a flawed system.

However, having only two children cancels the blame. Three is truly more entertaining. With four (at least until December, when Tax Deduction arrives), I have learned the Universal Truth of Sibling Lies: Blame the Youngest. While My Masterpiece was still young enough to be nursing full-time, The Informant! blamed her for eating the last slice of apple pie, Mineral blamed her for peeing under his bed, and Animal blamed her for forgetting to walk the dog. Meanwhile, when My Chemical Romance comes home from work and wonders who finished the coffee creamer, or who used up all the power in his drill and didn’t bother recharging the battery, or who poured vodka into the fish tank, I have my choice of four – FOUR! – children to fault!

However, I am solely to blame for perpetuating the Most Incredible Fairy Tale in the History of Ever: Mommy Loves to Clean. I have no idea where this rumor got started, but the kids buy it. Every day when I bring down a basket (or eight) of dirty laundry, my children stand in awe of my perseverance! My commitment to stain-free clothing! My insistence that I do not, in fact, worship the floor that goes “crunch” under their feet!

They have no idea the truth: I just want to keep the local Health Department out. of. my. business. There are enough people in this house to cook for.

Thank you, again, Kate and Lydia! And to everyone who voted for me: You’re welcome!

Go back to letting your children lick the dog’s electronic bark collar while sticking their fingers in the electric pencil sharpener. I’ll still be here.

xoxo Erika aka Cream of Mommy Soup

(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2010

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