The Cap’n thinks my bizarro fear of bedbugs and the amount of media attention these awful critters get is somehow linked to America’s fascination with bloodsuckers, as evidenced by the popularity of the Twilight Saga, True Blood and the astounding number shows, books and movies about lawyers. What is he even talking about? I hate lawyers. Except for him, heh heh. And as for stuff about vampires, well I stand behind my record. Of loving Young Adult "science fiction" and vaguely porny cable TV. I can’t help it. I love them.
But back to bedbugs and vampires. The bedbug investigation I went on was just like being on a cutting edge TV show produced by local cable access and directed by a drunk, old Russian man with candy in his pants. We walked through two apartments in a cheapo complex that was inhabited in equal parts by college students, illegal immigrants living 12 to a bedroom, and single moms. But don’t be fooled – bed bugs can strike anywhere. Just like vampires! Be ever vigilant! These particular bedbug complaints? From the college students. One of them even lifted his shirt up and showed me his back, and it was covered with oozey bites. ::shudder::
Oh snap. You NEVER invite bedbugs or vampires into your house. COME ON! Everyone knows that. They teach that in first grade in our school district. Look both ways before you cross the street, wipe front to back, and don’t invite vampires or bedbugs in your house.
You know what they don't teach you in school? How bedbugs and vampires are practically the same thing. So I decided to make a scientific and informationally accurate list because I am an expert on both subjects, as I have clearly demonstrated in this post. The Cap’n says that I am just making his point for him, and I’m like whatever. You don’t know anything about it, lawyer.
Why Bedbugs and Vampires Are Exactly Alike
- They are both totally real.
- They both come out at night.
- They both suck your blood.
- You should not invite them into your house (already established).
- They CANNOT be killed by silver bullets, that's werewolves, as you damn well know unless you are illiterate or don't have cable.
- Once they get in your house, it takes an act of God or possibly Fairies to get them out. Also, fire.
- They hide under the bed and some of them are telepathic. You can tell the telepathic ones by their artfully tousled hair.
- You can catch them in hotels, so don’t go to hotels. Especially in Cincinnati. And if you are in Cincinnati, you should avoid cars with tinted windows that seem to be driven with inappropriate alertness.
- They climb in bed with you while you’re sleeping and do unspeakable things. If you are a wussy, skinny, brown-haired high school student named Bella, this may not bother you.
- They cannot glamour Sookie Stackhouse.
- Parents disapprove if you try to date one.
- If one goes to your high school, you should pretend like you don’t know its secret.
(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2010