The Cap’n thinks my bizarro fear of bedbugs and the amount of media attention these awful critters get is somehow linked to America’s fascination with bloodsuckers, as evidenced by the popularity of the Twilight Saga, True Blood and the astounding number shows, books and movies about lawyers. What is he even talking about? I hate lawyers. Except for him, heh heh. And as for stuff about vampires, well I stand behind my record. Of loving Young Adult "science fiction" and vaguely porny cable TV. I can’t help it. I love them.
But back to the real issue here. I know all about vampires from Twilight and True Blood. What’s more - I know all about bedbugs. I used to work for the Health Department, and they have a whole division dedicated to gnarly pests. That’s right, people. There’s a whole cluster of cubicles full of people with advanced degrees in things that sound all made up like Entemology (not to be confused with Entenmann's and their delicious donuts and sundry baked goods). These brave souls investigate infestations of things like rats and cockroaches and bedbugs in places where people pay to eat and sleep. You may stop vomiting now. It’s actually a pretty cool job, and the people who do it are almost universally cool and hilarious. I mean, once they found a dirty motel room full of hundreds of poisonous snakes!

Oh snap. You NEVER invite bedbugs or vampires into your house. COME ON! Everyone knows that. They teach that in first grade in our school district. Look both ways before you cross the street, wipe front to back, and don’t invite vampires or bedbugs in your house.
You know what they don't teach you in school? How bedbugs and vampires are practically the same thing. So I decided to make a scientific and informationally accurate list because I am an expert on both subjects, as I have clearly demonstrated in this post. The Cap’n says that I am just making his point for him, and I’m like whatever. You don’t know anything about it, lawyer.
Why Bedbugs and Vampires Are Exactly Alike
- They are both totally real.
- They both come out at night.
- They both suck your blood.
- You should not invite them into your house (already established).
- They CANNOT be killed by silver bullets, that's werewolves, as you damn well know unless you are illiterate or don't have cable.
- Once they get in your house, it takes an act of God or possibly Fairies to get them out. Also, fire.
- If either bedbugs or vampires start coming in your house you should probably just move far, far away.
- They hide under the bed and some of them are telepathic. You can tell the telepathic ones by their artfully tousled hair.
- You can catch them in hotels, so don’t go to hotels. Especially in Cincinnati. And if you are in Cincinnati, you should avoid cars with tinted windows that seem to be driven with inappropriate alertness.
- They climb in bed with you while you’re sleeping and do unspeakable things. If you are a wussy, skinny, brown-haired high school student named Bella, this may not bother you.
- If you let them bite you on purpose, you might want to get a check up from the neck up.
- They cannot glamour Sookie Stackhouse.
- Parents disapprove if you try to date one.
- They have Kings and Queens and a rigid hierarchy with swift and final justice for wrong-doing.
- If one goes to your high school, you should pretend like you don’t know its secret.
- The Health Department should be called immediately if you suspect an infestation though the Health Department may be slightly less effective with an infestation of vampires.
I really hope this post has helped you understand just how serious a problem bedbugs are and how close we are to understanding the relationship between these creatures and the imminent appearance of Eric Northman Edward Cullen vampires in society.
And now I'm off to buy more pillowcases.
xo, Lydia
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