Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Further Evidence That Lydia's Family is Special

My grandmom is eleven kinds of awesome.  She lives in a small house in Trenton, NJ.  Visits to my grandmom's house are defined by three things:
  1. Trying to keep my children from setting things on fire.
  2. Eating 12,000 calorie meals.
  3. Being sent home with a car full of presents.
About the presents, they're pretty special.  To get a sense of what I'm talking about - read the thank you note I sent her after our visit at Christmas.  Go ahead, I'll wait...  Ok, so here's the thing about the presents she gives.  She didn't buy them.  Well, that's not true.  She bought them, she just didn't buy them for you.  She gives things she already has in her house.  How did it all get there?  Where is it kept in that tiny, neat-as-a-pin little house?  The world may never know.

There are rules about Grandmom presents:
  1. You can't say no or she will get hurt and huffy.
  2. Each gift is incredibly important, special and absurdly valuable. There is a story about how it was acquired and why she is reluctant to part with it.  The story usually relates to how the item she is giving you is worth about ten times what you would expect to pay for it.  If you *would* actually choose to buy it. Which you wouldn't. Because no one would ever imagine these products actually exist.
  3. If you are not appropriately grateful, she will get hurt and huffy.  Understand that I don't just mean grateful when she gives it to you or when you write her a thank you card.  I mean grateful and effusive, say, eleven years later when she asks you why she's never seen you wear the snow leopard faux fur jacket she gave you during your freshman year of college.   
Recently, my Aunt Mary came to stay with us.  It was great!  Until she gave me The Righteous Sniff.  While she was with us, my Uncle Richard drove up to see Grandmom and stay with her for a few days. Of course, I had to ask what he was given and as it turns out, this list does not dissapoint. 

Aunt Mary emailed it to me and here it is... 
  • Golf clubs for Thumbelina (What golf clubs you ask? The ones your Uncle Richard put in the van and then his mom told him to take out of the van because he might not give them to Thumbelina and give them to someone else.)
  • A 200 watt light bulb in a 60 watt sleeve (Yes, it still works)
  • 1 automobile recharger for an unknown appliance
  • 1 broken Brownie camera
  • 1 ladies bowling ball. Dark grey and pink
  • 2 boxes wide heavy duty aluminum foil, unopened
  • 3 current issues Consumers Reports magazines (June, July and Sept)
  • 15 Time Magazines
  • 1 box ceramic coals for a gas grill. (To my knowledge, your Grandmom has not ever used or owned a gas grill.)
  • 1 wheeled laundry basket. (I put the cat in it, and then the little dog ran from me because he was afraid I would put him in it!)
  • 1 Rubbermaid wrapping paper caddy with 2 rolls of wrapping paper
  • 1 wire brush that will clean individual wires on a grill
  • 1 set grilling tools
  • 1 Rubbermaid bath mat, new
  • 1 good coffee thermos
  • 1 good coffee carafe, also thermos
  • 2 wide mouth thermos jars
  • 1 unused crepe pan with spatula
  • 1 steam iron (might be unused)
  • 1 small igloo cooler
  • 2 pounds hard candy mix
  • 13 plastic spoons
  • 3 plastic forks
  • 2 plastic knives
  • 1 commemorative coffee stirrer, plastic, from the Garden State Parkway.
Please understand that if you were a member of my family, right now you'd be unsurprised, nodding and thinking: "I wish I had that coffee stirrer..."

I would share. But Grandmom will be asking about that stirrer any day now. I have to be ready.

xo, Lydia

(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2010

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