Monday, September 13, 2010

SGW: Cool Moms

Today's guest post comes to us from Stark.Raving.Mad.Mommy who is awesome and talented and always writes great stuff.  She wrote us a great rant this summer on special needs kiddos.  She pretty much kicks booty and we love her.  Plus she hates Dina Lohan almost as much as Kate...

Dear Cool Moms,

Stop it. You do not need to be your child's BFF. Your child already has friends. If she doesn't, then drag her away from the Wii and take her to a playground or something. There are kids there. See? Now she has friends.

While you're there, see if there's any moms around. Notice which ones are making an effort to semi-control their kids. They are not cool. And they're okay with that.

Don't worry, it's not too late. You and your daughter are not doomed to be non-famous versions of Dina and Lindsay Lohan. You just need to buck up and start acting like a mom. Here are some tips:

Quit dressing like you did ten fifteen years ago. If you're a mom, you may need to step away from the Deb Shop, Wet Seal, and the entire world of Victoria Secret Pink. You don't look cool. You look like a skank. Please consider not wearing pants with a message -- any message -- stamped on the tush. You may think your velour track pants say "Juicy" but what they really say is "Parenting Fail."

Speaking of pants, if they ride so low you have to attend to your bikini line, they are too low. The low pants thing is a huge problem, I know. It's become hard to find jeans that don't give you the dread plumber's view when you bend down to catch your kid on the slide. This trend is so heinous, it's spawned its own horrifying little trendlet: a product called Backtacular. This gem is marketed as a "gluteal cleft shield." It's actually a bedazzled stick-on tramp stamp used to cover up the coin slot that is your rear cleavage.

My thought is that if you don't have the energy to hitch up your low-riders once in a while, you need to either start drinking more coffee, or buy bigger pants.

Your elementary school child does not need his or her own television, the very latest Playstation, and a cellphone with unlimited texting. This kind of stuff is such a non-starter in my house, my kids don't even ask for it, even though they know eight-year-olds with cell phones. Once the Pork Lo Maniac asked me how old she has to be to get a cell phone. I explained that she can have a cell phone when she's old enough to have a job and buy one herself. She just nodded.

Of course, that made sense to her, because when she was six, I told her she could have Bratz dolls when she's a teenager. Because Bratz dolls do not dress like little girls. They dress like whores teenagers. And in some weird space-time continuum break, the Bratz Babyz dress even whorier.

It just dawned on my daughters last month that when they are teenagers, they probably won't want Bratz dolls any more.

Do not par-tay with your kid. Birthday party at the local bouncy place? Awesome. (Unless it's Ricky's Bouncy Haus of Horror).  Taking your 15-year-old daughter club-hopping? Not so much. Famous mother-daughter teams that have shown, um, lesser judgement include Lynne, Britney, and Jamie Lynn Spears; and Dina, Lindsay, and Ali Lohan. Gahd I feel sorry for those younger siblings. They didn't have a snowball's chance in hell for any semblance of normalcy, did they?

Not partying with your kid doesn't just mean not drinking with them. It means saying no to them sometimes. As in, "no, you may not wear that." Or, "no, you cannot have another bag of Pixie Stix until you come down from that ceiling." Or, "no, you may not move to California and become a crazy-driving drunkaholic pop starlet."

Sometimes your kid needs a time-out. Yes, even your perfect princess. And yes, she may scream at you and tell you she hates you. Suck. It. Up. You are the mom. Kathy Hilton, I’m looking at you. You know what happens when you never put your kid on time out? They turn into vapid, Chihuahua-toting tanorexics that claim that the vial of coke in their purse is “someone else’s.”

So there are my suggestions. Hope they help! Otherwise, I'll look forward to seeing you in the tabloids.


stark. raving. mad. mommy.
(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2010


  1. Apparently this is much needed advice, though I cannot understand why anyone would be so snitchy as to try to live in the limelight, that is their daughters' time to shine. You had your youth, and why not embrace and shine in the grown up place where you now live, so you don't look like a duma$$ to us normal acting moms-and our normal acting kids too.
    Great stuff! Can we all please get hand-outs for future PTA meetings, pretty please?

  2. Right on Mom!!!! You are soooooo right on!

  3. OMG, I am soooooooo glad I have boys. And I am so increibly frightened by the "Backtacular" that I snarfed my diet coke.

  4. Love it! I agree, can I get hand-outs to give to mommies at my park?

  5. I love everything about this, except that it really does need to be said to some people.

  6. Love it. Just yesterday, I was shopping with DH and he told me the clothes I was looking at were for old women. I just looked at him and he got it. We're not 21 any more.

  7. This just made my morning! I'm just glad I had set down my coffee before reading the part about the tramp stamp poor screen would have been wearing a nice coat of chicory!

  8. Could not agree more with all of mom was really strict with me on conservative dressing when I was a kid. I also did not have a phone in my room even though there were several kids who had their own private phone lines in their rooms, nor did I have a TV, computer, or video game system in my room. I did something old fashioned called reading books at night before bed. Crazy, I know. I never had any trouble entertaining myself with my toys or books that were in my room, and I never had a problem keeping up with technology by not having those things in my room. I plan on raising my kids the same way. They will be bombarded with technology everywhere they go for the rest of their lives...they do not need it in what is supposed to be a peaceful place to rest in their home.

    As for the clothing, I don't care how uncool I am or how much they will "hate" me for it, my girls are not leaving the house looking like skanks. Period. And I will check their bags to make sure they don't borrow skanky clothes from their skanky friends to change into when they leave the house (I tried that one and was busted when I was a kid).

  9. Friggin' LOVE it! WTF is up with those bratz baby dolls? I only have boys so I never saw those hideous Frankenfurter dolls before. Wow. Sick.

  10. I agree with everything in this whole rant and wish it didn't need to be said. I swear the girls department at most clothing stores looks like Whores 'R Us.
    When my daughter was about 12 she started hounding us for a cell phone because "everyboday has one". I told her that the only people who truly needed cell phones were Doctors or Prostitutes and that when she was old enough to get a job and pay for one of her own, she could have one.

    So many parents just don't want to say NO to their kids and just want to be their friend. That isn't a parents job. A parents job is to PARENT.

  11. Also - to the moms of daughters - for the record. If your 12 year old daughter is dressing like a little whore, my 12 year old boy is going to stare. If your 12 year old daughter is snapping pics of herself in her bikini provactively posed and texting it to my son (GOTCHA! "His" phone number is MINE!), you can believe she is sending it to other boys, as well, and she's offering much more after lunch than a bikini picture. And while she may be getting her pedicures done with you, learning the finer points of makeup application, and arranging everything nicely into her push up bra (for a teen ager? really? Because birthing children and gravity has really taken a toll on them) - my 12 year old son is still playing legos with his little brother when no one is looking.

  12. I have a daughter who's almost 5 and has a grandmother who buys her really short skirts already. I ask for gift receipts and exchange them for more appropriate clothing.
    I love this article, it proves that thank god there are other mothers who don't approve of the skanky clothing for daughters or mothers! Thank you!

  13. Amen to this post and all the comments. I guess, though, that we must be in the minority based on the types of clothing and toys that are selling in stores right now. And all of the trampy celebrities seem to have a juniors clothing line. What is up with that! I'm trying to raise a normal, kind, pleasant pre teen right now...she'll be 11 in November...Britney, Lindsay, Avril, Miley/Hannah, gal from Heroes, and every other teenager tv or music teenage "star," please stick with your day "jobs" and stop trying to dress my child!!!! Also, whose idea was the Bratz line...they should have their you know what's chopped off. My nearly 11 year old knows that we do not have Bratz in our house...we stick with good old fashioned Barbie or stupid expensive American Girl dolls that wealthier relatives purchase for us! Hooray for moms who are MOMS and not trying to be cool, trampy, and BFFs. Keep up the good work!

  14. Did they seriously make an asscrack sticker? Buy new pants. No one's crack should be exposed.

  15. OM ... I may be semi skank!
    My 8 yr old does have Bratz (but she may not wear anything they wear) But before you write me off, my kids wear respectable clothing, don't watch any tv trash nor do they have tv's in their rooms, Have to admit, Mr 51% would like me to not dress like an old lady and I do have a few pieces of 'gasp' Juicy. Hope you can still be my friend :)

  16. I absolutely agree with all of this...Though I have a REALLY hard time finding pants that don't show a little bit of crack. Seriously, it's either tramp stamp, or sacrifice breathing from a rise that goes up to my ribcage!

  17. Wow I'm have mixed feelings on this post as I agree to most of it I am a mother not a friend I do buy my daughter cute clothes not whorish at all..and as I may not wear tushy stamped sweat pants or too low crack showing jeans or midriff or boobie tops...hell I wear a cami under everything and I have a paid for set most women would wanna show off..I do shop at some of the named stores. I feel I dress my age which is later side of the 2Os and I look and feel great. My daughter has a cell phone that I monitor use of but it is used for contacting myself or her father as we are seperated and don't need to speak with each other do to much tension. I don't think having a tv or wii is an issue as long as again you are the parent! My kids play outside and I am a regular park goer amongst the skate park beach and hiking local trails. I think your labeling a little too much just because we give our children things doesn't make us bad mothers or hense friends and not parents. I believe my kids are dressed respectable fun kids who yes play wii love anything out doors who are brought up to be open minded fun loving kids that also know and realize you work to earn these things my kids do chores, respect adults and are rewarded for it. So before you judge everymother take a look around your placing a label that not all those moms fit. Still love you guys and your blogs thou

  18. Awesome! My only question thugh... where do you find jeans that are neither "coin-slot jeans" or "mommy jeans", cause I can't seem to find anything in the middle!

  19. I have kind of a problem myself: I just developed a ton of allergies to food so, now that I cleaned out all my clothes 3 years ago and got rid of all the perfectly decent clothes I'd never fit into I need new clothes. And the pant rises are RIDICULOUS. Do you know what I did? It was totally awesome, actually. I tried on jeans until I'd narrowed it down to the best candidates, then called my children in and had them pull, with their full weight, on the belt loops. (Because you totally know they're going to be doing that all day anyway.) The pants that stayed up best, I bought.

    How ridiculous is it, though, to have to base my purchases on which pants are least likely to drop spontaneously around my ankles?

  20. Whoa, I had to look up Bratz Babyz to see if they were real. They are, what the f*cking f*ck!?

    I am going to buy a truckload of Backtaculars and slap one on every asscrack I see in public, male or female!

  21. For those of us who only have toddlers or younger, its a scary scary world!

  22. I SO agree. Clothing today for girls is terrifying beyond belief. And the moms who wear the same stuff as the teenagers? POOR FORM.

    Also those stick on tramp stamps are atrocious. ATROCIOUS I SAY!

  23. I should print, copy, and pass this out on the streets. AMEN!

  24. I'm kinda dissapointed in the fact you'd delete someones comment on FB when it wasn't offensive...y'all dish it but can you not take a little critism? I love your blog and agree with most but its starting to seem as if you two are just bitter women who judge others...were you voted mother of the year? Stop worring about the other moms and what they do you are starting to seem like negative nancys... Fyi everybodys s*%t stinks you all aren't an acception...

  25. My husband: "Heinous, heinous, cover your anus." Yes. (He would like it to become a mantra of sorts.)




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