Tuesday, September 21, 2010

SGW: Keep Your Baby Off the Pole

Today's guest writer is Maria.  She is a big time fancy pants lawyer.  She writes about her little girl, Rainbow.  Rainbow is not actually her daughter's name.  Rainbow is her daughter's stripper name derived from the internationally accepted methodology for finding your stripper name.  Here it is:

Name of your first pet + Name of the street you lived on when you were little kid = Your stripper name 

Using this method, my stripper name is Alfreda Greenbriar.  I know, sounds more like a feminist poet than a stripper.  But Hawk's stripper name would Woody Oak View and the Cap'n's would be Suzy Wong Martin.  So, whatever... You be the judge. Oh, and Kate's would be Nikki Allway. Seriously. How *perfect* is that for her? Stupid Kate.

Enjoy the post!  xoxo, Lydia

And thank you, Maria!

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Candidly, I should not be on this blog, because it’s by mommies for mommies, and while I do have three humans living in my house who are much shorter than I am, look a little like me, and seem to expect me to provide them with food and clothes from time to time, I don’t think that what I do should be confused with parenting.

Hello. My name is Maria, and I am a full-time lawyer. I don’t know whether I belong in this meeting, to tell you the truth, because I still really enjoy being a lawyer all day every day. But I think I hit bottom this week, and if believing in a higher power can include having R-rated dreams about Jon Hamm, I’m in. [Editor's Note: Uhhh, of course it does. Hello? - Kate] I’d like to tell you about what happened. First help yourself to the coffee on the back table.  And try not to judge me. 

OK, so, on Sunday night I decided to clean out all the school work that my kids brought home at the end of last year, as well as the self-portraits, personal interpretations of Pollacks and Rothkos, and pastels of pumpkins and leaves and flowers and such. This was my first mistake. My kids, who last year were in second grade (boy) and kindergarten (girl), have performed well enough or at least invisibly enough to earn them generally encouraging (sometimes even positive) reviews from their teachers, thus making any foray into the actual substance of their work unnecessary and likely disappointing.

Nonetheless, instead of shoving this stuff into Filene’s bags and being done with it --oh if I could turn back time-- I plucked from the pile a folder called “Writers’ Workshop.” My daughter Rainbow’s name was on it. Basically, the kindergartners were encouraged to try to think in full sentences once a week, guessing at spelling and punctuation. At the beginning of the year this looks like Welsh, but by the end, vowels show up and you can kind of figure out what in the name of Maude they were trying to say.

Anyhoo, turns out that towards the end of the year, the class was asked to answer the question, “What would be interesting to do when you grow up?” Here is Rainbow’s illustration:



Does this look a lot like a blond person hanging onto a bat, with chairs all around? Yeah, I thought so too. And I couldn’t quite figure out what profession or avocation or what have you this might represent. So I read the text:



No you do not need bifocals yet. This says, more or less, “I want to be [sic:see] someone pole dancing. I think it is [sic:in] interesting.” And lucky me, Rainbow confirmed for the teacher that this is exactly what she meant. The teacher wrote “pole” and “dancing” and “interesting” as a very helpful correction/clarification/exercise to produce abject horror. Because I do not want to picture Rainbow telling her kindergarten teacher that that word is supposed to be “pole” and the next one is “dancing.”

So the bat is not a bat, it’s a pole. And the chairs are all around, just like in a strip club . I imagine that if there were a next sentence, it would be something like “And I want to work in a pretty place called Camelot.”

Holy jeebus where did she even get the idea that there is such a thing as pole dancing? Thanks for asking, I asked myself the same thing. I’m pretty sure that it’s the result of an incident about two years ago, when we were all riding the subway in New York on a wholesome family visit. She was spinning around a pole in the middle of the car, sometimes shimmying up and down it, and three sketchy guys at the end of the car were staring at her. Daddy and I were sufficiently creeped and made her stop immediately while shooting death rays with our eyes at the bad men and hissing at her to "STOPNOWFORTHELOVEOFMAUDE".  But later Daddy, thinking he was being funny,  has used the incident to say sometimes to other adults, in front of Rainbow, “She’s going to be our pole dancer!” – ha ha ha. Rainbow, who can’t imagine that Daddy would say something mean or degrading about her, internalized this as a worthy pursuit. And why not? It’s fun. It’s good exercise. There’s always a pole around. (Oh, not in your house? Uh … well only in our basement.  To hold the ceiling up, not for other purposes.)

I do feel really, really bad about this. But how much of this was really my fault? I mean, we’ve got Miley Cyrus dancing around a pole on top of an ice cream truck and that trollop iCarly filming videos in her bedroom. I couldn’t keep Rainbow from being exposed to the rotten, morally bankrupt popular culture any more than I could keep her from staring at “small people” on the Metro. I realize that this was a bad incident, but you know what? I don’t know if this is enough to make me stop lawyering. I give her a lot of quality time and we can handle this our own way.  Pretty sure. 

[Editor's note: I totally understand.  I often wonder if my kids wouldn't be better off if I went back to work.  In fact, Thumbelina recently told me she wants to go to an after school program. Oh yeah. And she thought we were serious when she overheard us telling people she might grow up to be a mercenary. - xo, Lydia] 

Thanks for letting me come to your meeting, but I can control this. I don’t need to quit. All my friends lawyer occasionally in social situations, so why can’t I? No reason at all. I can do this. My kids won’t suffer one bit.

And you can suck it, Chris Rock.

(Chris Rock says a couple of curse words, so turn your volume down of there are shorties around. Or your boss.)



(c) Herding Turtles 2009-2010

44 comments:

  1. BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! you had me lol-ing this morning BEFORE FIVE THIRTY. no one has ever done that before. btw, thanks for including the actual artwork. that. was. priceless. thanks for waking me up! and for the record, i used to want to be a stripper when i was in the third grade. do not ask me why. thankfully, i grew out of it, so don't worry, little rainbow will, too.

    and if she doesn't, i hear the pay is good...can we say, nice retirement home for mommy?

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  2. This was great. My kiddo is in preschool. He told his teacher the other day "Mommy called me a butthead" I guess that makes me mommy of the year huh? I should mention that was after he pulled his sisters hair, and took a toy away from his brother who's a year older and made him scream. He also dumped his bowl of oatmeal on the floor so the dogs could eat it since they "looked hungry" We didnt have a good day with him that day. Thats not how he normally is...lol

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  3. Hilarious.. I, too was laughing out loud. I have a one year old daughter & a 3 year old son.. you just gave me a glimpse of what I have to look forward to in the coming years. Thanks! :)

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  4. My pole dancing or porn name is Chi-Chi Knight. I love it!!!

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  5. I thought this post was going to be because Maria evidently heard the same radio discussion I did yesterday, about POLE DANCING CLASSES FOR CHILDREN. swear. to. g-d.

    Poor Maria. I'd have been just as horrified as you! But you can take comfort in that her motivations are from innocence and naivete, not bad parenting or societal influence!

    for the record, my stripper name would be Higgins Mercury.

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  6. Too funny. That's all I have to say. I don't have a good stripper/porn name because the town I lived in was literally so small I don't think the street had a name. It may have been considered Main Street. In that case my name would be Fluffy Main. That sucks. Rainbow is much better.

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  7. My stripper name: Abigail Ninth Street. Total FAIL. No one would pay to see that.

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  8. hahahaha my stripper name is Ginger Pleasant... how perfect, right? And this story is priceless. Maybe you and your husband should have a little talk about how to best encourage other pursuits for your little one?

    I died laughing at this and could totally see this happening to me.

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  9. That is hilarious! And I thought my son had a good one when he came home from school last week with a drawing of a farm and his sentence that read "I like chicks."

    My stripper name would be CJ Roxbury.

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  10. I was always jealous of my cousin's stripper name: Rosy Cherry

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  11. I totally agree that iCarly is trollopy, by design. Disney is hoochie-mama-fying all of the little girls in their shows. It's gross!

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  12. This post is awesome! My daughter wrote one of those stories about how evil I am without coffee or wine. I couldn't really argue that one.
    Incidentally...the sponsered ad on the side of this blog page is for the "Carmen Electra Portable Stripper." I. Kid. You. Not.
    My stripper name would be Lady Santa Clara. Sounds like the Catholic school-girl version of Lady Marmalade.

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  13. My name would be Twinkle 44th Street. Hmmm.

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  14. this definitely cracked me up. I feel for you! And I'd definitely have been sticking that drawing under my husband's nose giving him a lesson in thinking before he speaks! That's not a work outside or not work outside thing, that's a husband-bad thing! Good grief. the stupid things men model for their kids could be a post all its own.

    My stripper name would be Nanny Goat Rural Route One. Oooo, that's a good one.

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  15. We have actual video of our daughter 'pole dancing' at Ben and Jerry's - on the little line maker poles. Funny and scary all at the same time, so I feel your pain!

    BTW: Sassy Elm. Has a nice ring...

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  16. I have wisened up... I put the coffee DOWN before beginning to read. ;-) Thanks you Maria for the laugh this early AM. And all the other comments...the stripper names are cracking me up too!

    Mine would be Pepper Lemonwood. Not. Bad. ;-)

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  17. I told my daughter she looked like a hootchie mama this morning (even though I dressed her). I guess I should start being careful, I don't want to plant the seeds of a future lifestyle there.

    I've never given any thought to what her porn name would be, though I had to wear a name tag with mine, Jingles Five Springs, just the other night. I feel a little bad. Hers is so dull. Sara Wayfield. She could be a Jane Austin character.

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  18. Please note that in her picture, she is a fully dressed pole dancer! She could make history.

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  19. Heidi Park. Or Heidi Lane. Either works, thank Maude. lol...

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  20. I am dying laughing. Too freakin' funny! Is it bad that my 2 year old knows how to "drop it like its hot?" Mom of the year?

    BTW - My stripper name is Babe Cosmo. Kinda catchy, eh?

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  21. Yes, I was very impressed that she is a t-shirt and shorts attired pole dancer. Much more hygenic and all.

    (The funniest thing about this, to me, was the way the teacher wrote out the words for you...absolutely frickin priceless!) You do know that she has told this story in the teacher's lounge, right?)

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  22. Too friggin' funny! This post has made me very grateful that our basement pole has been drywalled over....

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  23. Nini -- yes the teachers' lounge chatter is what makes me throw up a little in my mouth every time I think of it.

    My stripper name, by the way, is Frederick Robin. Robin Frederick works better -- as in, "of Hollywood." Niiiiice....

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  24. Hilarious--a possible out: maybe she was thinking about Indian pole gymnastics http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2H1zjRU8hBo (not sexual, in my opinion--not sure if girls participate). Hope these folks have some protection for teeth and other sensitive areas...

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  25. My stripper name would be Orca Expedition. Awesome.

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  26. Sheer awesomeness. Ohhh I would love to know what the teacher thought of this ....... ROFL! Makes me not feel so bad about my two boys (ages 5 and 2) knowing all the words to that Apple Bottom Jeans song ... uff da.

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  27. Really awesome! My daughter told me I looked like a hoochie last night because I was wearing two camis with nothing over them. PS NOTHING was showing. Hmmm, wonder where she heard what a hoochie was. What, ME? I am a great mom....SIGH
    Stripper name: Fluffy Wandercloud. Dumb. But my body looks like a fluffy cloud, maybe it was prophetic, lol

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  28. lol. My stripper name is Shadow Queen ;)

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  29. "Crip School" --> NOT a stripper name, more like a prison name... and Rainbow is hilarious!

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  30. You'd be surprised how often stuff like this comes up at school...especially in kindergarten. I sub at our elementary and have seen some doozies. Thing 1 is now in 7th grade, but when he graduated kindergarten, he announced that he wanted to be an elephant when he grew up! Thing 2 (now in 5th) stated that she wanted to work at McDonald's...aim high! sigh.

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  31. By the way, my stripper name would be King Shields...sounds like a guy :( bummer!

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  32. LOVE THIS! And I agree, the teacher writing what Rainbow meant is just awesome!

    My stripper name: Tasha Elmwood. Love it!

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  33. That would make me "Puss Apple Lane"

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  34. Ah thank you..... yet more to dread when I go get the Spud from daycare. Egads - what can be in that backpack?!? (And his art does not come with pole dancing....just lots and lots of brown scribbles. He is 4, and has some developmental issues... But his favorite color, brown. Keep getting the "he just mixes all of the paint colors together, so all he ever paints with is brown".)

    And.... stripper name? Cletus Ninth Avenue. eeewww. bad, redneck stripper name....

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  35. LOL, thanks for the funnies! Chester Greenmont, Out.

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  36. You can totally keep lawyering, and I will make a large Mental Note about the possible outcomes of funny kid-related anecdotes. Funny!

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  37. That was ten tons of awesome. I bet teachers live for funny moments like this!

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  38. holy jeebus...thats hilarious!i blame disney...for everything.for the record my stripper/pole dancer/lady of negotiable affection name would be...... tammy kafkastrase (german) im blaming my parents for that one....

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  39. I gotta say, as a competitive semi-pro pole dancer (yes, there is such a thing, and no, it's not stripping), this is a bit... off.. for me.

    Especially considering my 6 year old is taking Chinese Pole lessons. And enjoying it immensely.

    It's taken me years of practice to be able to dangle from one ankle upside down while a pole spins fast enough to nearly launch me into the nearest wall - years of training, weight training, bruises, injuries. I'm proud of my accomplishments, and proud of what my body can now do, which seems to defy the laws of physics.

    Coming from someone who played varsity guy's football in high school, and birthed a 10 lb child with no drugs (not the brightest plan), I can honestly say pole is one of the hardest things I've ever done, physically. And that it deserves a smidge of respect.

    :D

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  40. My stripper name is Sandy Seymour! Why does that sound like something from "Grease?"

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  41. Omg I am really LOLing! First of all, my stripper name would be Patsy Bird Hobart. Kind of La Cage Aux Folles, I think! Anyway, my 5yo daughter pole dances on the NYC subway too and I always look horrified at DH and say "You're not doing your job, daddy!" Make a ref of course to Chris Rock!

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  42. Chinese pole dancing is neat. I saw a group when they came thru St. Louis. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qcn5nGvyn0w

    Unfortunately, not what comes to mind or normally meant in US when some says pole dancing.

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  43. I'm blanking on my own first pet's name and street, but my daughter would be Toffee Farah.

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