Friday, September 17, 2010

Things I *Wanted* to Say While Pregnant

This post is being simulcast on Pregnant Chicken, home of the funniest, awesomest pregnancy blog of all time.  You may remember that she wrote about all those things that she said she'd never do when she had kids, then she did them all.  In return, I'm writing all about the things I wanted to say to people during my three pregnancies but thankfully did not as it would have probably resulted in fisticuffs. 

"My cervix is none of your damn business, fat man in the elevator.  Stop thinking about my junk, or I will kick you in yours."
During my last pregnancy, I was working at the health department.  That meant that I worked around a lot of people in the medical profession. And many of them felt completely comfortable discussing what was going on with my vagina during, say... a staff meeting.  Or on a conference call with my boss and some public safety officers.  Not cool, people.  I am a walking, talking example of social awkwardness and even I know you've crossed the line here.  I don't care of you're my husband, best friend, mom, co-worker or OB/GYN do not EVER discuss my personal, private lady parts in public.  And I swear by all that's holy if I ever hear you say the word discharge, I'm slapping you hard across the face with a sandwich.

"Thank you. I'm glowing because I just violently vomited in your bathroom."
People used to tell me that I was "glowing" when I was pregnant and I was too embarrassed to tell them it was due to my near-constant throwing up.  At work, in the car, at the house in a variety of locations, at the preschool, even one particularly memorable time at Five Guys.  By the end of my third pregnancy, my entire family could have cared less if I got up from the dinner table to hurl in the kitchen sink.  They'd be all: "Can you grab the salt shaker while you're in there?" 

"I can see that you're wondering if I'm fat or pregnant.  Well, I'm not going to tell you because you did such a bad job hiding the confused look on your face, jackhole."
I have done it myself, asked someone if they're pregnant and it turns out they were not.  I felt like an ass hat but learned a valuable lesson.  The next lesson is don't stare intently at a woman's larger-than-normal belly with a confused look on your face because the thoughts running through your brain are fairly obvious.  In fact, it's pretty much the same thing as asking, "Are you knocked up again or what?"

"I am allowed to have 250 mg of caffeine per day.  If you give me one more dirty look for buying this latte, skinny whore in the black skirt, I will karate punch you in your damn neck."
People have the right to judge an obviously pregnant woman in public if she is doing three things: smoking a cigarette, drinking directly from the bottle of Jack Daniels or committing a violent act that could land her in jail.  Actually... Jail might provide her with some much needed peace and quiet, as well as break from her children and the mountain of laundry that needs folding - so really there are only two reasons to judge a pregnant woman.  If she is having a cup of coffee, could you not treat her like she's committing child abuse?  She is not and you need to mind your own beeswax, Judgey McJudgerson.

"I see you over there, trying to get next to me so you can put your hands on my enormous stomach.  If you touch my belly I will start screaming so loud that you will fall down and dogs from all over down will come running to your prone form.  And I will bray with laughter as they pee on you."
This is a pregnancy classic.  Random people trying to put their hands on you.  No no no.  If I see someone with a peculiarly bulbous forehead, would it be appropriate for me to walk over to them and cup my hand on their face?  It would not.  Would it be OK for me to pet the head of a stranger with particularly shiny hair? No, of course not.  You shouldn't even pet a dog without asking first.  Use your damn manners, people.

"I'm so glad you felt you wanted to share your labor story with me.  But I'm trying to eat breakfast so could we please discuss your mucous plug a little later?"
Why do people feel compelled to tell preggos their most horrific labor stories?  No pregnant woman wants to hear how you were in labor for 36 hours and then had to have a c-section and then were mis-dosed with drugs that made you flatline.  And you know what's the best?  When new dads, who have a 6 month old baby - so they think they're experts - start to tell you all about what you can expect.  Like they squeezed a baseball out their urethra, got mastitis and then didn't sleep for two years.  Keep your labor stories to yourself unless someone is literally begging you to share.  And if sharing includes either photos or video, you need help

"Am I pregnant with twins?  No.  I'm so huge? Am I really? Is this you being nice?  Because I can be nice, too.  I hate your ass face."
Are you really so amazed by my pregnant belly that you have lost your mind completely? What would make you say this to someone?  Is that supposed to make them feel good?  It's much more a reflection of your insensitivity than the actual size of my mid-section.  If some poor woman looks like she just swallowed a watermelon, what is served by saying: "My heavens! You look like you swallowed a watermelon!" No no no. You say: "Please sit down.  May I get you a cool beverage and a Thai spring roll?"

"You know what, older-lady-at-the-grocery-store, I am not having this baby any minute now.  I am having this baby in 8 weeks.  OK?  You smell like Vicks Vapo-Rub and cats, and I want to move away from you before I throw up on your padded nylon ankle boots."
This was another one that drove me crazy.  By the time you're on pregnancy 2+, you look pregnant at about 15 minutes.  You can go ahead and put all your non-maternity pants into one of those big blue Rubbermaid bins or one of the vacuum sealed plastic hoo-haws until your baby is at least 4 months old.  Your boobs and your bump are out and proud and there's nothing you can do about it.  So when someone says something like that to you...  Just smile and try not to harm them. 

"You know what? I'm growing a person.  If I want to eat this Big Mac and then eat another you will have nothing to say about it.  As a matter of fact, if you try and keep and keep me from my Big Mac and his step-brother, the refreshing and delicious fountain Coke, I will turn into the Incredible Hulk except with pregnancy hormones, and I will rip off the arms you used to steal my cheeseburger."
While pregnant, I had both food aversions and food cravings.  Mostly it was aversions - everything made me sick.  In fact, though I am not a small person, I did not gain more than 25 pounds during any of my three pregnancies.  Because pretty much everything edible smelled awful to me.  You know what didn't make me sick?  McDonalds.  I might only eat one thing each day that I could keep down and with my son Hawk - that was usually a Big Mac.  But people don't think you're awesome when you eat McDonalds every day instead of organic non-fat cruelty-free chicken wraps from the Whole Foods take-out counter.  But you know what?  You eat what you can eat.  And everyone else can go suck it. 

"What. Did. You. Just. Say. To. Me?  That you can barely tell that I'm pregnant?  What the HELL does that even mean?"
I never understood this one.  Is this supposed to be a compliment? The pregnancy equivalent of saying "you look thin".  Are you saying I'm normally fat and bulgy in the middle? Or are you saying that I'm measuring small for my gestational age and there's some sort of heretofor unsuspected problem with my unborn child?  What are you - a doctor? The creepy neighbor lady from Rosemary's Baby? No? Then shut the hell up and if you want to do something useful, go get me a fountain coke or a large sweet tea.

"I could understand if you couldn't take your eyes off my belly, but the jugs you're staring at aren't even mine anymore.  They're like two ginormous, bloated, scalding hot water bottles that cause me constant back pain.  How's that for sexy?" 
Just because they're bigger and they're meant to feed a baby, doesn't mean its OK for you to stare at them.  They came to life when I was about 8 weeks pregnant and now these new semi-sentient life forms are attached to my chest and driving me crazy.  Look at my eyes or look at the belly.  The demilitarized zone in between will get you popped in the mouth with my handbag.

"Not so fast, Cap'n.  That's how I got in this mess in the first place.  For the third time."
I understand that on some distant planet, there are pregnant women who are really into it.  That's awesome.  Yay for them.  I have about as much interest in that activity as I do in folding laundry.  Now if you were a donut or a Thai spring roll or a large sweet tea, maybe I'd be interested.  Until then, we're good.  Maybe.


If you want to read really great and really funny stuff about pregnancy, go check out the chicken.  You'll thank us.
(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2010


  1. WORD, Lydia! (As always!) The very first item on your list reminded me of a very surreal conversation I had with a nurse who was doing a non-stress test on me (I also work for the Health Authority):

    Nurse: So, where do you work?
    Me: Actually, I work for VIHA. I do data entry for Mental Health.
    Nurse: Oh, so you work across the street [from the hospital]?
    Me: Yep.
    Nurse: And your membranes haven't ruptured?
    Me: Uh, no.
    Nurse: I used to know a woman who worked in Mental Health, her name was Melanie.
    Me: Oh yeah.

    Also totally get you on the "having twins" question - I used to get that one DAILY from my boss (who was a woman! and a mother! and should have known better!). Also the random supermarket strangers who say "You must be having that baby any minute!" which I always took to mean, "You couldn't POSSIBLY get any bigger, right?" THANKS JACKHOLES.

  2. This is great. I'm pregnant now with my first and have zero self control when it comes to personal space so I just hope someone is with me the first time a stranger tries to touch my belly because I can guarantee it will result in me being escorted out of whatever store/restaraunt/public venue I'm in!

    Also my MIL loves to torture me with the "twins" thing...I want to smack her in the face with a sandwich.

  3. My ex had a female friend from childhood that told him how much she loved sex when she was pregnant. He always reminded me of that during my pregnancies. Well, no, sorry....NO. I didn't want it. At all. Ever.

  4. I was preggers with my second child and intending on having a VBAC. So one of my very good friend shares her rather graphic birth video with me. I've got the head cocked to the side look of "HOLY CRAP THAT REALLY STRETCHES" thing going on... and I say, "There is no way possible that thing goes completely back to normal after...." JUST then her husband walks in and she says, "Oh yeah totally does." Her husband is behind her shaking his head..."No, no it doesn't."

    Really was it necessary to tell me I was going to be completely stretched and never return to normal? Jackhole! lol

  5. "...I hate your ass face."


  6. I had 3 babies in the course of 5 years. I didn't even tell anyone I was pregnant with my 3rd until I just couldn't hide it anymore (including my mother). If I heard ONE MORE TIME "haven't you figured out how that happens yet?" I was going to punch someone! So I just had my scripted come backs like "well, hey, I can't help it we are so good at it!" or "maybe we should just get cable" or "do you really want to discuss my sex life IN church?" That usually got them to shut up! I don't know what it is about the sight of a pregnant belly that makes everyone's IQ drop 50 points.

  7. I was unfortunately one of those women who looked fat instead of pregnant - even at 8 months pregnant and totally within the recommended weight range (I never got to the last month).

    One time we had workmen over and I mentioned something about being pregnant. The guy seriously had the nerve to say he couldn't tell. I think the husband might have had to hold me back from trying to murder him.

  8. When I was pregnant with twins - I went almost full time. Ginormous does not even come close to describing my huge pregnant belly.

    Uncomfortable all.the.time. does not even begin to describe how I felt.

    Add in that the sweet little 12 month old who lured us into think another baby would be awesome was now 2 and not-so-sweet anymore (she actually ran through the house with a sharpie she stole from me laughing because I could not catch her - shamu doesn't move fast on land ok?).

    I started saying horribly rude things to people.

    "Touch me and die." (they had that look in their eyes like they we going in for a belly pat)

    In response to my favorite "did you use fertility drugs?"
    "Yes, why? Are you still humping to make yours?"

    And every now and then I enjoyed answering the "when are you due?" with a blank stare and then an angry "I am NOT pregnant." Just for fun.

  9. I was working as a newspaper reporter when I was pregnant with my first. A few weeks before my due date, I was at a school board meeting. The media table was in the back of the room. Right before the meeting was called to order (and the room was totally silent), the superintendent asked me to stand up. Once he saw my belly, he said, "Okay thanks, just wanted to see if you were still pregnant." Really?! His secretary about smacked him right then and there.

  10. Soooooo totally with you on the horror stories and the belly touching!!!
    Why is it so compelling to scare the crap out of an-about-to-be-new mom with all the things that people hate about being pregnant, giving birth, etc.???
    And I told my boss that I would deck any stranger (pretty much all our customers) who touched my tummy without permission. I guess it was written all over my face because none ever did, not once. Nor my coworkers, either, though had they asked I'd have given them permission.

  11. Awesome. I have been feeling guilty for turning to fries the last 12 weeks, where anything else seems to make me want to puke, and often, result in just that. However, no one seems to understand that the poutine I just consumed was delicious and it felt great and baby LOVED it. I don't care that it came from a stand and has zero nutritional value, it kept me full for a few hours, and that makes me happy.
    Your blog is fantastic, thank you!!!

  12. Oh my goodness. I am sooooo glad I'm not pregnant. (Dear Lord, if it's in Your perfect will I would NOT like to be pregnant again, thank You for Your consideration. Amen) I had a horrible time emotionally when I was preggo with my second. I had absolutely NO brain-mouth filter so what.ever. I thought came right out. In Target one day a complete stranger, middle aged woman-aren't they the worst about this?, came up to me, put both her hands on my belly and said "Oh my, you feel about 8 months along." So I reached out and grabbed both her boobs and said "Oh my, you feel like about a C cup." She called security, I laughed and left.

  13. THANK YOU. For Pete's sake, what is wrong with people?! At the end of my second pregnancy a cashier said, "Wow, your belly is so huge!" (Maybe the 300th time I'd heard that.) So I turned around and said, "Thanks. So is your ass."

  14. OMG the caffeine! Every freaking time anyone sees me with a damn soda I get bombarded with 'should you be drinking that?' Yes, yes I should be drinking it, b/c if I don't then you will be in a hospital. And I don't mean just visiting.

  15. I was a pediatric nurse in the Air Force and pregnant with our first. I went into labor about 2 weeks early and then. it. STOPPED! ugh. The doctor was suprised, the nurses were surprised...I was cranky. Anyway, my coworkers (all nurses and pediatricians) decided that they just HAD to tell me what to do to get it started again. One told me that not only would having sex work, but we needed to make sure I had an orgasm! This was a GUY telling me this. I thought I was going to die!!!!!!!!
    By the way, my son was born two weeks later on his due date and now at almost 13y, he still does things on "his" time. sigh.

  16. I have had one pregnancy and enough B.S. from the one that I feel I could go up against Jenny McCarthy in book sales... I was working at a video game shop shelving games when a guy comes up out of no where rubs my belly (without invitation) and says "Pregnant woman are SO sexy!" I said "Excuse yourself! Keep your creepy mitts off me!" And went behind the register counter with the manager til he was gone... It was disgusting!

    We went new car shopping and the sales guy asked me when I was due. Not an inappropriate question except that I was carrying a new born... Serious ass hat.

  17. Thank you for this (very timely for me!) post!

    During my first pregnancy (at the tender young age of 28, and four years into my marriage), I had a scruffy, middle-aged man lean out of his car at me in the grocery store parking lot and start yelling at me about my lack of maturity and completely irresponsible choices. I still have no idea who he was...?

  18. Penny--I guess I shouldn't condone groping, even if retaliatory, but that's totally awesome.

    The thing that's irritated me during this pregnancy (#2) is that I've been sick a couple of times--just colds/flu kind of stuff, and people have said things like "well, I certainly hope that hasn't affected the baby" (including my mom, who's a nurse). Seriously people, whuck am I supposed to do with that kind of unconstructive, useless comment?

  19. My last pregnancy was twins and one of the comments I frequently heard was, "you don't look big enough to be carrying twins." I don't care how I looked, I felt like I was carrying twins. 12lbs of baby (plus all the other stuff) feels like 12lbs of baby regardless of how it looks. I have to agree on the, "you must be due any minute now" conversations. At 7 months with my first, our (male) waiter at a restaurant said, "I thought maybe you went into labor" when I left the table for a potty break.

  20. I stopped at McD's every morning for a bacon egg and cheese bisquit, which was pretty much the only thing I could keep down. I say whatever you don't throw up, works in my book!

    Oh, and apart from the big baby belly, people will come up to you in public and pet your hair when it is insanely long, too. Before I cut it all off I had that happen way too often. Boundaries, anyone??

    1. I work as a cashier at a grocery store, and I have long hair that I keep in a braid. The number of people who think it's totally OK to just walk up behind me and pull on my braid is astounding. Apparently a lot of people consider having long hair or being pregnant to be a standing invitation for strangers to touch you. No me gusta!

  21. OMG the twins comment makes me want to go apeshit all over the place. My SIL is the WORST with this one. When I was pregnant with my son, she said, "Oh my GAAAWWWWD you're huge! Are you sure it's not twins?" Yes, you b!tch, after 4 ultrasounds and carrying this child for 8 months, I am POSITIVE it's not twins now kindly STFU. I'm now pregnant with my second (my son is only 10 months old) which is also leading to some really spectacular comments about how babies are made and didn't we learn the first time? Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realize the number of children we have and their spacing was any of your business? Oh wait, breaking news! IT'S NOT!

  22. I was a psychotic basket case during my pregnancy but I think even if I was legally sane the crap people said to me on a daily basis would have made me feel homocidal. "You like tired (an attempt to politely say I look like crap run over twice by a garbage the rain)" "Are you SURE there is only ONE in there?" "Should you be eating that?" "Pregnancy is NOT a license to eat ya know" (yes....they said that) "OMG you. are. HUGE!!!" "When are you due? Oh really? That sucks. Poor kid. (Christmas sharing a birthday with Jesus is SO awful) I told my husband that I would be locking myself in a bubble next time around (yes...still insane apparently). I loved being pregnant. It was other people that ruined it for me.

  23. I've been pregnant 4 times, and ironically some of the dumbest comments I've gotten have been from Drs and nurses.

    With my last pregnancy, I developed preenclampsia at 32 weeks and while seeing the Dr for the 100th time I actually had the specialist tell me I was lucky I had preemclampsia in my 3rd trimester and not in my 2nd. Um, excuse me, but how is having preenclampsia and being hospitalized lucky? Yeah, because it's so lucky that I'm on bedrest and have to worry about my condition every second of the day.

    To make matters worse, he proceeded to tell me how many babies/women die from the condition and how I lucky I was to be alive, all of this before I had even given birth! Talk about clueless!

  24. I have heard every single one of these. And I totally had an old lady at the check out line look at me and say, "so that baby is coming in the next day or so, huh?" I was only six and a half months along. Could've killed her. And of course, everyone though it was cute to ask "HOW many babies are in there?" Fuck them.

  25. I craved McD's Bacon Egg and Cheese Biscuits too!!! I stopped every morning on my way to work, and there just happened to be a McD's a block away from my school. Yeaa! And the coffee thing? Seriously, how the hell are we supposed to function without it? Thankfully, I'm in the pacific northwest. ;-) No one judges anyone for drinking coffee. I'm pretty sure we're required to start letting our kids drink it as soon as possible. (kidding...sorta) I'm usually waiting in line at Starbucks behind more people under 18 than over...

  26. OMG, number 1 drove me crazy when I was pregnant. My coworkers, especially my male coworkers, should never be commenting on my vagina and that includes asking me if I'm having/had a vaginal birth.
    It just made me feel creepy and weird every time. I mean I'm still uncomfortable with the fact that my pregnant belly let the world know that I had had sex (yes, even though at the time I was 36 years old #immature).

  27. My Baby Girl wanted nothing but cheeseburgers and cheese in general while I was pregnant. I had a lot of Non-Stress tests and ultrasounds and I usually got a cheeseburger happy meal on the way to the office. They always said she did really well on the tests, very active and happy and wanted to know what my secret was. I never told them because I never wanted the look of OMG you are eating that crap all the time while pregnant?!?! screw you guys, she makes me ill when I look at something other than red meat and cheese.

  28. Arghh!!! Im only 9 weeks pregnant and I feel nauseuous ALL.THE.TIME. Can't the husband understand that sex is the last freaking thing I'm interested in right now?

  29. I actually told several strangers- Well, I'm a BIG GIRL ALREADY, which is pretty obvious, so NO I am NOT LYING about only having ONE in there. And YES, I am Still not due for another 4 months! But thanks for making me feel like crap about myself! I also told my doc that if he wanted me to eat ANYthing, be glad for the cinnamon toast crunch that has many minerals and vitamins. Sorry about the sugar, but it's the only thing that stays down, along with Taco Bell tacos. Sorry dude.

  30. OMG! Penny, that is quite possibly one of the funniest things I've ever read....

    I had a cardiologist I worked with refuse to get in an elevator with me while prego. I had an anesthesiologist (I worked in a hospital) tell me how many recent abruptions they'd worked on emergently. I got the "you look so tired" comments so many times a day they stopped phasing me. Really? You'd be tired too if you didn't got up 4 times a night to pee then couldn't get comfortable again! In short, I looked like death on a stick. I got my tubes tied in Jan, and my baby turned 1 yesterday!

  31. i always had issues with people touching my belly on the train... what i found ended things mighty quickly was reaching out and grabbing their stomachs right back. the look of horror on their face seemed to teach them pretty neatly that what they were doing was WEIRD.

  32. ^There's just something about taco bell when I'm pregnant.

    I liked to rub the bellies of the belly touchers, but the mama who guessed a c cup wins.

  33. one of my male patients shouted down the hall in my doctors office..."Well I see SHE doesn't know how to keep her legs closed!!"
    What do you even do with that?!?

  34. Big Mac and his step-brother Fountain Coke literally just made coffee shoot out of my nose. I almost got in a fist fight over cheeseburgers when I was pregnant cause someone gave me a dirty look when I asked for more bacon. Literally GROWING A PERSON and a teenager had the nerve to cut her eyes at me. Loved this Rant!!!

  35. My MIL told my husband that once past the first trimester, pregnant women want to have sex a lot. I was NOT amused. She also told me that when she was in labor, she just visualized herself opening up like a flower. *shudder* And she wonders why I don't want to be friends with her.

  36. When I was pregnant with my first I was riding the elevator in my office building with some co-workers after lunch. A woman got on and and started squealing "Oh my gosh, you're so big, when are you due?" Now normally, I just would have chalked this up to stupidity, but she then CROSSED.THE.LINE. when she put her hands on my belly. Memo to the world: I don't like to be touched. I'm not even into cuddling, lets face it, I am so THE DUDE in my relationship. Anyway so when this freak touched my belly and asked me when I was due, I did what any self respecting pregnant woman would do.... I reached out and grabbed both her boobs and said "In about 4 weeks". Oh, and did I mention that I left my hands there for a REALLY.LONG.TIME. Needless to say, no one at work ever touched my tummy again :)

  37. Jen that is AWESOME! If I ever have the misfortune of getting knocked up again, I am totally doing that.

    I've had 4 kiddoes and most of the things on the list have happened to me. By far the very worst comment I got was from the idiot who delivered #4. I was pushing and I kept telling him that something was wrong and she was stuck. He had the gall to tell me, while I'm trying to push her out with NO DRUGS mind you, that the problem was that my baby had a really huge head. He also thought I wasn't trying hard enough.

    That was after I'm already kicked the idiot in the chest once. I tried to do it again but couldn't coordinate myself to get a good angle.

    Oh, and my baby was face up and stuck on my tailbone. Stupid man-doctor!

  38. Hilarious!!

    During both my pregnancies I suffered from Hyperemesis, which in a nutshell meant I barfed my guts up 24/7 for 9 months, right up until baby popped out.
    I was pretty much bed ridden for most of it and people used to RING ME UP and say "oh, have you tried a dry cracker before you get out of bed?" "It's all in your head, think positive and you won't be sick anymore!!" or my mother in law told me about a gazillion times "I used to start everyday with a piece of dry toast and a cup of tea and I'd never get sick after that!" Ummm no, I didn't think to try any of that, I much rather be rushed to the emergency room to be put on an IV because I've thrown up so much I've torn my insides up and am now vomiting blood. IDIOTS.
    Everyone still told me the same things during my second pregnancy (yes, stupid me went back for round 2, lol)
    But I can happily report that I got 2 beautiful and healthy babies in the end =D

  39. I've had co-workers DEMAND daily that I was having twins and that medical technology just isn't allowing them to see the other baby. "He's hiding behind his brother." "Yeah, thanks dear, you just made my fing day by telling me I'm fat. Again." I also had a co-worker who used to be a Nave medic specialized in physical therapy, tell me that if I went into labor at work she would deliver me. " thanks! I think I would rather walk my laboring butt the 2 miles up the road to have this baby at a hospital than have you go anywhere near my coochie!" Afther that she told me she'd watch my twins while I was in the hospital. I had images of the twins tying her up and covering her in catsup, and ALMOST did it just because she had no idea what she was getting into, instead we went with a good friend who already has 5 kids, after 5 whats 2 more really anyway right? LOL

  40. I'm currently pregnant with my first, so I could go on and on with this...
    Last month we went to the wedding of some really good friends. The bride's eccentric aunt (whom I'd never met before) came up from behind me when I was sitting at th...e table, she put her arms around me, hands on my belly and said "You're having a boy...I can tell because your butt's getting bigger". I wanted to say, "Yes, it's a boy, but my ass has always been huge, thanks."
    Early on in my pregnancy, before my first ultrasound, my husband, very excited to share the news, was calling all his friends and family and continued to tell people "Either she's having twins or she's farther along than we thought because she's way bigger than she should be." Gee, thanks hun! (Would it have been considered spousal abuse if I'd smacked the schmidt out of him in a public restaurant when he said that?)
    And I hated when I was always told "Oh you're so tiny!" or "I was way bigger than you when I was that far along" It made me feel like I was starving my baby or he wasn't growing like he should. But I certainly showed them when I gained over 10 lbs in a month. Yeah I'm not so tiny anymore and anyone can suck it if I hear one more time how big my ass is.

  41. The worst for me was when I went past my due date. I couldn't go on maternity leave until after my son was born, so everyday that I showed up to work I'd have someone say "You still haven't had that baby yet?!" genius. It finally stopped when I made an announcement one morning that, in case anyone couldn't tell, I was still pregnant

  42. LMAO...this reminds me of when I was preggo with my second ( my two oldest are 11.5 months apart to the day!). the hubby and I were at his dads house having dinner with his grandparents. and his grandma came up and rubbed my belly and asked i we were having twins because i was so big( now i am snarky to begin with and even more so when preggo) and told her in a very sweet voice that if she ever touched me again that i would bitch slap her ancient ass. ahh...the look of shock on the others faces was priceless!! but they never touched me again :P

  43. O.M.G. This is, by far, the funniest pregnancy rant I have ever read. Thank-you. I'm in labour now. :-)

  44. My favourite question was "Oh-- were you planning that?" Too many answers...cannot pick.

    How about: "Hell no, my husband is just TOO BIG FOR CONDOMS-- thanks for asking"

  45. I always liked 'you do know how that happens don't you?'........I finally, at pregnancy #4, started saying 'not really, sometimes you just roll over on something in the middle of the night and strange things happen'.....

  46. OMG ... I was literally laughing so damn hard I cried reading this. My 16 yr old son looked at me & said "Are you reading that crazy Mommyland blog again?" I read the entry about your kids' weirdness to him & he was laughing so hard he almost fell off our couch. Love you crazy moms!

  47. i got disgusted looks from strangers with my first(i was 18,get over it) the midwife told me to stop being stupid when i told her i needed pain relief in labour,which ended with me having forceps,and an episiostomy and four pints of blood as i had a pph,was told countless times to stop breastfeeding my baby in public and do it in the reply? you go eat in the toilet,your table manners are making me wanna throw up,not to mention the fact that my boobs were huge! and i got ogled by just about every guy on the street,one who ended up getting smacked by his wife jeeez they feed babies for gods sake!

  48. I got to the point where I hated to leave my house! I have 4 kids and I feel like alot of my excitement of pregnancy was sucked out of me by stupid people who don't know how to a)mind their own business, and b)keep their stinking mouths shut!
    "Yes, I know how babies are made. I shouldn't feel this way about you, especially in church, but if you don't walk away right now, I'm taking out a knee cap.oh, bye then."
    Also, my husband told our pastor that my uterus is now too tired to have more kids...really??? Idiot.

  49. I feel like I've been nodding and smiling through random people's awkward comments for years now. Sure, it started with my first pregnancy (my husband was a youth pastor which gave every woman in the church permission to tell me their own birth stories and rub my belly, or feel snubbed and offended when I told them to back off), but now with two under two, its even worse! My favorite is the "They must keep you busy" line. Guess what? You can come over and baby sit and find out just how busy they are any time you want!

  50. My rant from several weeks before my due date:

    Complete Stranger: When is your baby due?
    Usual answer: February 11.
    Honest Answer: This is America. If I felt a need to tell every passerby my due date, I'd have it printed on my t-shirt. What are you going to do with this information, anyway?
    Tempting Answer: If I knew who the father was, that would help me figure it out. (Would be funnier with my husband standing next to me.)
    Tempting Answer: Why, did you want to be in the delivery room?

    Complete Stranger: Is it a boy or a girl?
    Usual answer: It's a surprise.
    Honest Answer: Your guess is as good as mine. What difference could it possibly make to you either way, since you have no idea who I am?
    Tempting Answer: QUADRUPLETS, TWO OF EACH!
    Tempting Answer: Why, do you think I should be conditioning him/her to accept traditional gender roles in utero?
    Tempting Answer: Boy, you Census Bureau people don't waste any time, do you?

    Complete Stranger: You look like you're due any minute.
    Usual answer: Nope, not until February.
    Tempting Answer: O, are you an obstetrician?
    Tempting Answer: Now that you mention it, would you mind dialing 911 for me? I think I'll have the baby right now instead of waiting another month and a half like I was planning.

    Co-Worker: You look tired.
    Usual answer: I am.
    Honest Answer: I can't sleep for more than a couple of hours in a row. Want to do my work so I can have the day off??
    Tempting Answer: Talking to you makes me yawn even more.

    Co-Worker: You look huge!
    Usual answer: Wait until you see me in a few more weeks.
    Honest Answer: I've gained 35 pounds. Of course I look huge.
    Tempting Answer: Likewise, I'm sure.
    Tempting Answer: You know, there are only two good options when talking to a pregnant woman. A) Say, "You look beautiful." B) Keep your mouth shut.

  51. I just discovered this entry, but at 36 weeks pregnant it is REALLY resonating with me. The only one missing from the list is the things I want to say to my mother in law every time she refers to my unborn son as "our baby." "Our baby?" No. YOUR baby is now a grown man with hair on his chest who's capable of knocking up his wife. This baby--the one in the belly you insist on reaching for every time you see me, creep--is OUR baby. His and mine. There's a distinction. And seriously, if you didn't want to know I ever had a belly ring, then you shouldn't have touched my stomach without my permission. That's what you get.

    And yes, there was a very specific instance to spark this internal rant that I wish I'd said out loud. It wasn't fun.

  52. i recall thinking many of these same things.
    if i want steak every night dammit, ill have steak every night. even as a former vegetarian.
    if i exercise and still gain 65 bout nobody say anything...because guess what? YOU telling me, is not the FIRST time ive heard it. and please, if you are going to withhold something you want to say, which is kind of you, learn how to lie with your face too. because even if you verbally say "you dont look big at all!" and you eyes are as big as beach balls and your jaw drops to the not going to believe you and im going to hate you.
    i WILL be crabby. i WILL be angry and i WILL cry over wrapping paper. if you think i can control it you have another shot of estrogen coming at you.

    sigh. i loved being pregnant :]

  53. and by the way....i FART. just saying.

    sounds and scents will come out of this pregnant body that I will forget, and you may never. HA!

  54. tactful enough not to say to my brother I can lend you a TV when his #4 was announced

  55. I parked in an expecting mother/mother with small children parking spot when I was pregnant with my first because I was feeling really tired and sick. At the time our car was a Jeep TJ. I got out of the car and there were these 2 women who looked me up and down and said to each other 'nope, not pregnant'. I was at least 6 months at the time...
    Since when do you have x-ray vision that you can look inside to see if I am pregnant or not?!

  56. OMG This is awesome! With my first, I had a male co-worker see me waddling down the hall make a comment about how huge I looked that day. I turned to him and touched his beer belly and said "Ya? Well I'm due in September, what's your excuse?" Now I'm 7 weeks along with my second, and already look pregnant. My family has lots of nice things to say about that. I keep replying with "Well I haven't gained a single pound yet..." Ugghh! People are so rude! I LOVE the "C-cup" comment... I will have to remember that one when my belly gets bigger!

  57. When my sister was pregnant a random stranger came up to her when she was with her husband and touched her belly. My b-i-l said to her "Her boobs are really big too, did you want to touch those as well" Needless to say the lady was mortified and walked away humiliated! Don't understand how people think they can touch you just because you are pregnant.

  58. When I was pregnant with my first, everyday felt like a year. I'd basically sit on the couch groaning while my husband charge a dollar a pop for strangers to feel my belly. You don't want to hear about my breasts. My husband announced to the neighbors how fat my boobs were and that we had to especially order giant bras from China to fit them.

    Go pregnancy!!!!

  59. BEFORE I got pregnant, my dad used to ask me when I was going to get pregnant. One day I'd had enough and told him, "Right now we're just practicing." He never asked me again.

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  61. This is awesome!, So totally with you on the horror stories and the belly touching


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