Top Ten Calls You Don't Want to Get from School

10. It rhymes with "rice" and is generally followed by a long string of expletives. And scratching.

9. "Mrs. Coupon, your son got on the wrong bus this afternoon.  No, he did it on purpose.  He said something about the Green Bus being better for Jedi Masters..."

8. "We're not exactly sure what it is, but we think your pediatrician should take a look. Also, the CDC."

7. "Hello Kate. Ummm, did you forget one of your children after school today?"

6. "Sorry to bother you, Mrs. Coupon. We're wondering if you intended to put a Pabst Blue Ribbon in Thumbelina's lunch today?"

5. "Hawk was sharing his Summer Vacation stories...and, he seems to insist that he played with a cow's boobs? And that you took pictures. We were just hoping for a little clarification..."

4.  "We're sorry but there's poop everywhere.  You're going to have come pick him up."

3. "Your daughter claims that she threw up in her mouth and demanded that we call you immediately. Yes, she demanded. Those were her exact words: I demand that you call my mother immediately and tell her I threw up in my mouth."

2. "Hello Kate. Lefty is still here. You did say you were coming to get him, right?"

1. "We really try to discourage the use of words like 'douche-bag' in the kindergarten classroom."

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