Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Top Ten Calls You Don't Want to Get from School

10. It rhymes with "rice" and is generally followed by a long string of expletives. And scratching.

9. "Mrs. Coupon, your son got on the wrong bus this afternoon.  No, he did it on purpose.  He said something about the Green Bus being better for Jedi Masters..."

8. "We're not exactly sure what it is, but we think your pediatrician should take a look. Also, the CDC."

7. "Hello Kate. Ummm, did you forget one of your children after school today?"

6. "Sorry to bother you, Mrs. Coupon. We're wondering if you intended to put a Pabst Blue Ribbon in Thumbelina's lunch today?"

5. "Hawk was sharing his Summer Vacation stories...and, he seems to insist that he played with a cow's boobs? And that you took pictures. We were just hoping for a little clarification..."

4.  "We're sorry but there's poop everywhere.  You're going to have come pick him up."

3. "Your daughter claims that she threw up in her mouth and demanded that we call you immediately. Yes, she demanded. Those were her exact words: I demand that you call my mother immediately and tell her I threw up in my mouth."

2. "Hello Kate. Lefty is still here. You did say you were coming to get him, right?"

1. "We really try to discourage the use of words like 'douche-bag' in the kindergarten classroom."

(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2010


  1. nope do not want to get any of these but probably will once the Delightful Children start school next year.

  2. LMAO... please tell me that you actually DID put a PBR in a lunch bag! Please? It will make me smile.

  3. I am the mother of four boys, ages 14,14, 8 and 4. The older three think it's the funniest thing ever to teach the youngest to say and do extremely inappropriate things. He starts preschool this year. Can't hardly wait to see what I get called into school for.

  4. I'm pretty sure my little one, who just started preschool this morning, will be guilty of #1 by the end of the day. Yes, we use that word a wee bit too much.

  5. When I was teaching the nurse ran into my room (literally) one morning and said she needed Little precious' lunch box. She pulls him over to me and said that she would give him a milk with lunch but she was going to need to pour out the drink in his thermos. Little Precious replied, "Okay, but you don't have to pour anything out, I drank my lemonade at snack time this morning." At this the nurse turned white and said, I think he should come with me--just to be safe. Apparantly, Mom had a party the night before and had 2 pitchers of left over drinks in the fridge. One was lemonade and one was margaritas. She realized when she went to give her younger kids lunch at home that she confused them earlier in the morning and sent Little Precious to school with a thermos full of margaritas. To this day, I know the nurse was concerned for little precious, but a little jealous of his drink, too.

    Oh-- and fortunately, Little Precious came out of it just fine.
    Jen D.

  6. We've gotten the "rice" call, and yes, a long string of expletives did follow. For two weeks.

  7. The worst call I got was when my dd was in college. She was taking TV Production and I knew part of her "studies" involved crawling around on the light grid 20 feet above the stage. You can imagine how I felt, when the teacher called me and, after telling me who he was, said "There's been an accident". Turned out dd "just" ran a camera over her toe and tore the nail off. Bad enough, but at least no smashed head or broken bones.

  8. Misconception Number 1: Moms miss their kids when they go back to school

    Seriously. I’ve had enough of you by now. Every morning with the “what are we going to do today, Mom?” is finally over. I’ve had looked at your face twenty-four seven for the last 77 days. It’s time to go learn something. No more asking me about the pool, when is the next snack or if you can stay up late and watch a movie. It’s over….You’re going back to Hogwarts and I get to have a life again. There is a Christmas morning for parents and it’s called “back to school”.

    Misconception Number 2: Moms like to go school shopping.

    Are you freaking kidding me? Why do I pay taxes?…so I can rack up a 200 dollar bill at Staples for crap that we have laying around my house in junk drawers. Why does it have to be new pencils? What’s wrong with the chewed up, broken strawberry shortcake pencils sitting in the bottom of the toy box for the last 6 months? And how many subject books can you possibly need? What happened to reading, writing and arithmetic. If they added a couple of things for parents to that list I wouldn’t mind so much….why not pencils, erasers and vodka …..or some Nyquil.

    Misconception Number 3: Moms like back to school night.

    Why must we do this every year? I got it already. You’re the teacher…I’m the parent. My kid is either going to be smart or dumb. If he gets a certain number or colored dot on his discipline chart, he can’t get a prize from the prize box. Pretty simple stuff. Listen, I’m pretty old school. If he doesn’t listen to you…you can throw something at him. I don’t care. But I got a lot of work to do at home and I’m paying a babysitter right now. Plus, I’m pretty sure you are going to assign some project on wigwams made by some Indian tribe I’ve never heard of, so I need to get home and start my research. So, I got it. We’re all here for the betterment of the kids. Blah Blah Blah. Can I leave now?

    Misconception Number 4: Moms like school paperwork.

    How many trees are you planning on killing to tell me the same stuff I had to pay a babysitter to listen to the other night? You know our name, where we live and our emergency phone numbers. He doesn’t have a nickname….call him “stinkbutt” for all I care. We don’t have any “special circumstances” that you need to know about. He lives in a home with two parents who may or may not like each other at any given time and they will fight. If that qualifies as a reason he can’t get his homework done on time then he won’t be able to function as an adult and have a real job so you may want to “educate” him on that life lesson.

    Misconception Number 5: Moms like covering books in that annoying sticky paper.

    What exactly will you be doing with these books that I have to cover them in a plastic laminate? Do you often teach in the rain? Or while the children are drinking soda and eating soup? Do you know how long that takes? Has any parent in the history of education been able to do it without any air bubbles in it? From now on I’m covering it the old way…brown paper bags. That way I can cover the books and pack their lunches at that same time. Who says moms can’t multitask?

  9. Part Two:

    Misconception Number 6: Moms like helping you with your homework.

    What? I am scared out of my mind. I’m pretty sure that I forgot everything I learned in fifth grade by the time I was in sixth grade. I have no idea what you are talking about most days. I don’t really know my 12 times tables, I read the cliff notes to all your summer reading and I don’t know how to conjugate anything but I do know that song “conjuction junction what’s your function” if that helps at all. And please don’t even say the words “new math” to me. What the heck was wrong the old one?

    Misconception Number 7: Moms can’t wait to pack your lunch every day until we die.

    I hate doing laundry. Making dinner every night is the bane of my existence, so making your lunch every day for an entire year, in terms of “mom fun”, lies somewhere between brushing plaque off the dogs teeth and scheduling my annual pap smear. Listen, as a child I hated what my mom packed me for lunch. But, like every kid before me, and every generation to come you will find a kid to trade with…I’m sure someone likes sardines.

    Misconception Number 8: Moms love after school activities.

    I don’t know who made up this idea of organized clubs and sports but they should be the ones in charge of carting your ass around. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not against all after school programs. I just wish they would offer it during hours that would work best for me so that dinner wasn’t at 8:30 at night followed by 4 hours of homework. Why not do it on the weekends and call it “after-hours activities” so mommy and daddy could actually go out one night and pretend that we have a life of our own. Don’t worry about us though I’m sure that me and “what’s his name” will be married a very long time.

    Misconception Number 9: Moms don’t mind taking you to school if you miss the bus

    Your bus comes at 7:10 am….which means that you should be standing by the door at 7:05 am. Not eating breakfast , chasing the dog around the house or in the bathroom, asking me to check your homework while I’m taking a shower. Get it together! I don’t like running down the street in my jammies at 7:12 screaming “Please wait” or “If you stop I’ll show you my boobies.”

    Misconception Number 10: Moms cry on your first day of school

    We do cry but they are tears of joy. I have done my job. I have successfully kept a human child alive for at least 5 years without doing any major damage. Motherhood is the hardest job in the world!! Sure, doctors save lives and CEO’s run million dollar businesses but…you teach a kid not to poop their pants and then you can say you’ve made the world a better place.”

    I don't know where this came from, but I HAD to share.

  10. I love the picture. That kid probably is a douchebag.

  11. Me: "But she was right!"
    Catholic school principal: "Yes, we realize it's anatomically correct, and your daughter is quite, um....precocious....but we would appreciate her NOT using the Kindergarten Show and Tell to explain that having a vagina means she's a girl and then hiking up her uniform skirt to prove it."
    Me: "Dear? Guess what your daughter did today in school!"

  12. I'm waiting for the one that tells me my daughter pulled down her pants and peed on the schoolyard at recess.

  13. Haha, I really love all ten of them. My favorite though: "Your daughter claims that she threw up in her mouth and demanded that we call you immediately."

    Single Dad Laughing

  14. The only call (so far) was two into the school and a new kid joined my child's class. He wanted the the new boy to sit by him during snack. While the the teacher prayed my child poured his water on the new kid's lap. Apparently he wanted to see what this new kid was going to do. When we got the call. The school director began laughing and had to compose herself and us call back.

  15. #4 happened at my school last year. Thank goodness I wasn't the teacher who had to deal with it...

  16. awesome post....
    househag - you rock!

  17. I have received that call.... or one similiar to it. "Can you please check your son's backpack every morning. He brought a condom to school today..." gosh.darn.it.anyway!!

  18. We got a call that our son whipped out his ... umm ... equipment during recess & peed outside. Actually my husband got called, because he taught for the school district. At the time we lived out in the country, so it was normal for him to pee outside. Daddy had to explain the difference to him.

  19. Darn you for making me laugh out loud. My daughter kept asking me what was so funny and I didn't want to have to explain douche-bag to her.

  20. ...sigh...
    Number 4. Summer preschool camp. So not fun. With added fun of the non-offending child HOWLING the whole length of the hallway, with the howls being understandable as "but I didn't poop my pants, my brother did! Why do I have to go home too??????" (Because its a half hour before pick up time, that's why, sorry kiddo, but if he's having another poop attack it'll be at home, not at camp, not in the car returning to get you either.)




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