9. I went on a five mile hike. It felt great! I got in the car, blasting the AC and the music and feeling like a bad ass. By the time I pulled in the driveway fifteen minutes later, my legs had fallen off.
8. Three glasses of wine used to mean a great night. Now it means I wake up looking like the Emperor from Star Wars.
6. Everything at Urban Outfitters is now too young for me. In fact, I'm no longer allowed in the actual store. Because of my oldness, lameness and lack of visible tattoos. [Editor's Note: Dear Lydia, you don't have *invisible* tattoos either. Stupid. -Kate]
5. When I wake up in the morning, I have a pronounced gimp for at least the first fifteen minutes I'm moving around. It is made slightly better if I wear a nice pair of slippers with non-skid soles. Can a housecoat be far behind? Or sweeping my front stoop with curlers in my hair, while wearing the housecoat and slippers?
4. Of the six preset radio stations in my van, two are oldies stations, one is "classic" rock, one is classical music, one is NPR and one is Korean Hip Hop. Why Korean Hip Hop? Because it is available to me, that's why.
3. Everywhere I go lately, I feel the need to bring a little sweater.
1. My body seems to be telling me something lately. 'Lydia, eat dinner at 5:15. Then... sit in the big chair and watch some Wheel of Fortune with a glass of wine - to thin the blood. Then for the love of Maude, go to bed at 8:30.' There are people currently residing in Assisted Living Facilities who rock harder than me.
Lydia out.
(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2010
ROFL at #8... so, so true here, too. Come to think of it, I may look like the Emperor even on mornings after I don't drink wine...
ReplyDeleteWhen I get out of bed I cannot stand upright for the first ten minutes. Try making coffee while you are situated like you are bowing to someone. I was at rehearsals for my kids' play the other night, was all cute in my jeans and t-shirt (thank you spanx...and duct tape, who's kidding?), but after sitting in the audience for awhile, when it came time to get up, my back wanted to stay seated. I looked like grandpa trying to get out of his chair lift! Great look Kathy! Maybe next time you can get a bottle of Geritol to fall out of your purse!
ReplyDeleteHa ha! I identify with everything on this list except the part about going for a 5 mile hike. Now I must gimp over to the kitchen to get my tea and to my room to get a little sweater.
ReplyDeleteinstead of a cute little sweater, try a beautiful, Indian inspired scarf! although, frankly, I always carry both :). And on road trips, I not only have to take pit stops embarressingly often, I totally gimp my way out of the car every time.
ReplyDeleteOh SCHMIDT, you mean the bringing a little sweater everywhere means I'm getting older? I thought it was all the fat I lost off my ar$e. dangit!!
ReplyDeleteThat. Was. Awesome. Thank you for making me sigh in my coffee...I think I need a cane...
ReplyDeletehttp://www.louiesgiftshack.com/-strse-3709/Womans-Over-the-Hill/Detail.bok
This. was. my. morning. How did you get that picture of me?
ReplyDeleteYesterday in a supermarket, I bent down to read stuff on a bottom shelf and when I got back up, an eldery gentleman man in one of those motorized shopping thingamajigs said, Oh honey, I wish I could still do that ... made me grateful (then in the next aisle I ran into a Boca Uber Mom and thought about plastic surgery ... so much for that!)
ReplyDeleteSO true. Dammit.
ReplyDelete2. A cursory review of my underwear drawer revealed a 5-to-1 ratio of granny pants to cuteness. That's just sad.
ReplyDeleteHa ha. I have my husband convinced that I still need to wear the granny panties because I am post-partum even though my daughter is 8 months old. They're just so damn comfortable.
Can't. Stop. Laughing. Thanks for this. I totally identify, especially with 6, 2 and 1. Pure awesomeness. LOVE YOU.
ReplyDeleteI totally relate to #8 and #5, and #1, too, I suppose, because I can actually get to bed early if I forego glass #2 (and higher). #5 is because of my 11-y/o mattress (no,seriously...my back feels great if I sleep cross-wise on it, by the foot section). And I'd love to know where the Emperor shops for anti-aging cream...I'd love to look that good in the a.m.!
ReplyDeleteSome smart a$$ told me that all that wine thinned my blood so much that that's why I'm always cold and need the sweater. So I knocked him down with my purse then kicked his a$$ with my clogs. Made the gimp worse but I sure feel better.
ReplyDeleteWhy couldn't Trevor keep his yap shut for one freaking minute? Little twerp...
ReplyDeleteYou forgot Reading Glasses. Which I need, in order to read your awesomeness!
ReplyDeleteAs I always say, first thing in the morning, "Thank you, kids. Damn kids.".
ReplyDeleteHah! I think we must both be growing old not-so-gracefully together. I just wrote a post about this exact same thing (with pics of my awesome old lady find that I can't live without - you'll love it, it's perfect for us senior bloggers!). Check it out:
ReplyDeletehttp://www.venividiblogi.com/2010/09/i-am-old-lady.html
HIGHlarious...does it count that I feel old when the gathering of teenagers near my backyard makes me nervous, even though they are doing little else than wasting time standing there?
ReplyDeleteFeeling young: running around the block with four 9 year old boys playing star wars for 1/2 hour.
ReplyDeleteFeeling old: not being able to get out of bed the next morning. So I had to fall out.
Neutrogena makes a good anti-blemish, anti-wrinkle cream, but I can't find it at Target anymore! It's the most embarrassing product to need, though...
ReplyDeleteROFL!!! This point is hysterical. You had me at 'my legs fell off' and sealed the deal with 'for the love of Maude'. I needed that laugh...oh and a referral on the aforementioned wrinkle/acne cream.
ReplyDeleteHahahahahahhahahahhaha! I love it! Although I'm also afflicted with the memory of a gnat...and yet I still get this "MOMMMMMM, can you remind me to ....." Seriously? I just thank God that I don't have to remember to breathe!
ReplyDeleteWe 'first time moms' once we moved on from having to have nights in socially decided to do dinner and go dancing end up at the '80's retro club but have also brought a bag with sensible shoes and have our coats so we do not suffer too much getting home.....
ReplyDelete(no longer a first time mom but that is when it started)