Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Top Ten Reasons I am Old and Broken

10. I got carded at Target buying a T-box but before I could enjoy the moment, the little punk of a cashier was all: "We have to scan everyone's license who buys alcohol." and then he ma'amed me.  I responded to that by saying: "Ma'am?  Seriously?  Why don't you just give me the finger? Listen up, you little butt-wiper, the next time you card a woman my age, let her be happy for five seconds.  Let her think its because of her hotness.  OK, Trevor?  Would that kill you?"  It may have been an over-reaction.

9. I went on a five mile hike.  It felt great!  I got in the car, blasting the AC and the music and feeling like a bad ass.  By the time I pulled in the driveway fifteen minutes later, my legs had fallen off.

8. Three glasses of wine used to mean a great night. Now it means I wake up looking like the Emperor from Star Wars.

7. I'm in the market for a good anti-aging acne cream.  Actually, I'm starting to need creams and ointments for a wide variety of parts.

6. Everything at Urban Outfitters is now too young for me.  In fact, I'm no longer allowed in the actual  store.  Because of my oldness, lameness and lack of visible tattoos. [Editor's Note: Dear Lydia, you don't have *invisible* tattoos either. Stupid. -Kate]

5. When I wake up in the morning, I have a pronounced gimp for at least the first fifteen minutes I'm moving around.  It is made slightly better if I wear a nice pair of slippers with non-skid soles.  Can a housecoat be far behind? Or sweeping my front stoop with curlers in my hair, while wearing the housecoat and slippers?

4. Of the six preset radio stations in my van, two are oldies stations, one is "classic" rock, one is classical music, one is NPR and one is Korean Hip Hop.  Why Korean Hip Hop?  Because it is available to me, that's why.

3. Everywhere I go lately, I feel the need to bring a little sweater.

2. A cursory review of my underwear drawer revealed a 5-to-1 ratio of granny pants to cuteness.  That's just sad.

1. My body seems to be telling me something lately.  'Lydia, eat dinner at 5:15.  Then... sit in the big chair and watch some Wheel of Fortune with a glass of wine - to thin the blood.  Then for the love of Maude, go to bed at 8:30.'  There are people currently residing in Assisted Living Facilities who rock harder than me.
Lydia out.

(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2010

23 comments:

  1. ROFL at #8... so, so true here, too. Come to think of it, I may look like the Emperor even on mornings after I don't drink wine...

    ReplyDelete
  2. When I get out of bed I cannot stand upright for the first ten minutes. Try making coffee while you are situated like you are bowing to someone. I was at rehearsals for my kids' play the other night, was all cute in my jeans and t-shirt (thank you spanx...and duct tape, who's kidding?), but after sitting in the audience for awhile, when it came time to get up, my back wanted to stay seated. I looked like grandpa trying to get out of his chair lift! Great look Kathy! Maybe next time you can get a bottle of Geritol to fall out of your purse!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Ha ha! I identify with everything on this list except the part about going for a 5 mile hike. Now I must gimp over to the kitchen to get my tea and to my room to get a little sweater.

    ReplyDelete
  4. instead of a cute little sweater, try a beautiful, Indian inspired scarf! although, frankly, I always carry both :). And on road trips, I not only have to take pit stops embarressingly often, I totally gimp my way out of the car every time.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Oh SCHMIDT, you mean the bringing a little sweater everywhere means I'm getting older? I thought it was all the fat I lost off my ar$e. dangit!!

    ReplyDelete
  6. That. Was. Awesome. Thank you for making me sigh in my coffee...I think I need a cane...
    http://www.louiesgiftshack.com/-strse-3709/Womans-Over-the-Hill/Detail.bok

    ReplyDelete
  7. This. was. my. morning. How did you get that picture of me?

    ReplyDelete
  8. Yesterday in a supermarket, I bent down to read stuff on a bottom shelf and when I got back up, an eldery gentleman man in one of those motorized shopping thingamajigs said, Oh honey, I wish I could still do that ... made me grateful (then in the next aisle I ran into a Boca Uber Mom and thought about plastic surgery ... so much for that!)

    ReplyDelete
  9. 2. A cursory review of my underwear drawer revealed a 5-to-1 ratio of granny pants to cuteness. That's just sad.

    Ha ha. I have my husband convinced that I still need to wear the granny panties because I am post-partum even though my daughter is 8 months old. They're just so damn comfortable.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Can't. Stop. Laughing. Thanks for this. I totally identify, especially with 6, 2 and 1. Pure awesomeness. LOVE YOU.

    ReplyDelete
  11. I totally relate to #8 and #5, and #1, too, I suppose, because I can actually get to bed early if I forego glass #2 (and higher). #5 is because of my 11-y/o mattress (no,seriously...my back feels great if I sleep cross-wise on it, by the foot section). And I'd love to know where the Emperor shops for anti-aging cream...I'd love to look that good in the a.m.!

    ReplyDelete
  12. Some smart a$$ told me that all that wine thinned my blood so much that that's why I'm always cold and need the sweater. So I knocked him down with my purse then kicked his a$$ with my clogs. Made the gimp worse but I sure feel better.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Why couldn't Trevor keep his yap shut for one freaking minute? Little twerp...

    ReplyDelete
  14. You forgot Reading Glasses. Which I need, in order to read your awesomeness!

    ReplyDelete
  15. As I always say, first thing in the morning, "Thank you, kids. Damn kids.".

    ReplyDelete
  16. Hah! I think we must both be growing old not-so-gracefully together. I just wrote a post about this exact same thing (with pics of my awesome old lady find that I can't live without - you'll love it, it's perfect for us senior bloggers!). Check it out:
    http://www.venividiblogi.com/2010/09/i-am-old-lady.html

    ReplyDelete
  17. HIGHlarious...does it count that I feel old when the gathering of teenagers near my backyard makes me nervous, even though they are doing little else than wasting time standing there?

    ReplyDelete
  18. Feeling young: running around the block with four 9 year old boys playing star wars for 1/2 hour.

    Feeling old: not being able to get out of bed the next morning. So I had to fall out.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Neutrogena makes a good anti-blemish, anti-wrinkle cream, but I can't find it at Target anymore! It's the most embarrassing product to need, though...

    ReplyDelete
  20. ROFL!!! This point is hysterical. You had me at 'my legs fell off' and sealed the deal with 'for the love of Maude'. I needed that laugh...oh and a referral on the aforementioned wrinkle/acne cream.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Hahahahahahhahahahhaha! I love it! Although I'm also afflicted with the memory of a gnat...and yet I still get this "MOMMMMMM, can you remind me to ....." Seriously? I just thank God that I don't have to remember to breathe!

    ReplyDelete
  22. We 'first time moms' once we moved on from having to have nights in socially decided to do dinner and go dancing end up at the '80's retro club but have also brought a bag with sensible shoes and have our coats so we do not suffer too much getting home.....

    (no longer a first time mom but that is when it started)

    ReplyDelete

ShareThis

LinkWithin

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...

Popular Posts