Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Top Ten Reasons I am Old and Broken

10. I got carded at Target buying a T-box but before I could enjoy the moment, the little punk of a cashier was all: "We have to scan everyone's license who buys alcohol." and then he ma'amed me.  I responded to that by saying: "Ma'am?  Seriously?  Why don't you just give me the finger? Listen up, you little butt-wiper, the next time you card a woman my age, let her be happy for five seconds.  Let her think its because of her hotness.  OK, Trevor?  Would that kill you?"  It may have been an over-reaction.

9. I went on a five mile hike.  It felt great!  I got in the car, blasting the AC and the music and feeling like a bad ass.  By the time I pulled in the driveway fifteen minutes later, my legs had fallen off.

8. Three glasses of wine used to mean a great night. Now it means I wake up looking like the Emperor from Star Wars.

7. I'm in the market for a good anti-aging acne cream.  Actually, I'm starting to need creams and ointments for a wide variety of parts.

6. Everything at Urban Outfitters is now too young for me.  In fact, I'm no longer allowed in the actual  store.  Because of my oldness, lameness and lack of visible tattoos. [Editor's Note: Dear Lydia, you don't have *invisible* tattoos either. Stupid. -Kate]

5. When I wake up in the morning, I have a pronounced gimp for at least the first fifteen minutes I'm moving around.  It is made slightly better if I wear a nice pair of slippers with non-skid soles.  Can a housecoat be far behind? Or sweeping my front stoop with curlers in my hair, while wearing the housecoat and slippers?

4. Of the six preset radio stations in my van, two are oldies stations, one is "classic" rock, one is classical music, one is NPR and one is Korean Hip Hop.  Why Korean Hip Hop?  Because it is available to me, that's why.

3. Everywhere I go lately, I feel the need to bring a little sweater.

2. A cursory review of my underwear drawer revealed a 5-to-1 ratio of granny pants to cuteness.  That's just sad.

1. My body seems to be telling me something lately.  'Lydia, eat dinner at 5:15.  Then... sit in the big chair and watch some Wheel of Fortune with a glass of wine - to thin the blood.  Then for the love of Maude, go to bed at 8:30.'  There are people currently residing in Assisted Living Facilities who rock harder than me.
Lydia out.

(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2010

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