Thursday, September 23, 2010

Top Ten Ways Kate & Lydia are Different

You know the story about how we met. You know that one is Choo and one is Clog. That one is fancy and vain and mostly a snitch and the other one is Lydia. As if these weren't enough reasons for us to never, ever be friends, we've discovered even more.

This just goes to show that just because there's a Lydia in the world who's a hot mess and wears coffee as boob decoration and drives over strollers doesn't mean she can't be BFFs with one of the world's Kates. She just has to lower her standards.

10. Discipline:
Lydia: Children, please stop throwing mulch. There are other children on the other side of this playground equipment, and they could get mulch in their eyes, and that would hurt. [they stop] Thank you for listening and for having such good manners. I'm very proud of you. Can I give you a high five? [they all nod enthusiastically and high five each other] You guys rock! [looks at Kate with Zen-like serenity]
Kate: Hey, kid! Cut it out or I'll come over there and thump your skull for ya. [looks at Lydia with smug satisfaction]

9. Cooking:
Kate: I actually made this awesome pasta with a tomato cream sauce and kielbasa...and garlic bread.
Lydia: We don't use utensils on Friday. Suck on that, Fancy.

8. Timeliness:
Lydia: I'm so sorry we're late. We were ready, sorta, and then the baby stripped and sh*t all over the floor and rubbed it in her hair and I had to put her back in the bath and it got all over my shirt. And then Hawk kicked Thumbelina for trying to hide his LightSaber and I had to get gas and why are you looking at me like that?
Kate: We're on time or my head explodes. [children emphatically and fearfully  nod their heads behind her]

7. Transportation:
Kate: Happy and I got the Volvo detailed today. It's like it's hard to sit in the seats because they're so shiny and oily. We're slipping around all over the place. It's sort of awesome if you don't think about the fact that your ass is covered in WD40 or something. But now, of course, I'll never let them eat in the car ever again.
Lydia: That's nice for you. But, see, we can get caught in a blizzard for eight days and survive because we'll just lick the food that's stuck to the floor of my BWT. I'll miss you when you die in your clean oily car.
Kate: Ummm...It's summer.
Lydia: It's summer right now.

6. Domestic Skills:
Lydia: Downstairs, in our playroom, you can't go three feet of carpet without clean laundry, dirty laundry, laundry I haven't figured out yet, or a place where the murthurfurkin' cat hasn't puked somewhere. How was your day?
Kate: I just got home from work. My house smells like Lysol, the bathrooms sparkle, the laundry is done, folded and put away, and, if that wasn't enough, Nanny made enchiladas before she left. I'm drinking wine on the porte cochere. [audible click] Lydia? Lydia? Snitch.

5. Competitiveness:
Kate: That nasty snitch at school gave me grief today and now I'm just going to lurk in the shadows like some panther and strike when she least expects it. Possibly in the dark. Is that wrong?
Lydia: You're scary. Me? I just spend the rest of my evenings after Nasty Mom Encounters trying to crawl inside a t-box and whimper.
Kate: Mine is much more satisfying.
Lydia: Yes, but mine is legal.

4. Child Rearing:
Lydia: [to the LTSs] I'm so happy! Thumbelina Coupon and Hawk Coupon are home from school! I missed you both so so much!
Kate: [to the IHPs] Why does school have to get out early on Monday?

3. Cursing:
Kate: We had a jar in the house that I had to put money in every time I said a curse word, but I was going broke, so I just started putting fake money in it. [Editor's Note: OK, it's real money. Just from other countries. It might as well be fake, because half of it is from countries that don't even use it anymore. Stupid Euro. - Kate] Now I just scream them all out before I walk in the door. It's like in that movie "27 Dresses" when she loses her schmidt and screams motherf**ker in the alley but it's really at someone's anniversary dinner. But no one's there for me to have to apologize to.
Lydia: I said f**k in front of my kids today. I'm awesome.

2. Values:
Lydia: MiniMiniMe came up to me and said "new shoes" and took off her old ones. She didn't like them anymore because they're not fancy enough.
Kate: Aaaaaaand, I win. Whatever happens from here, I win. Thank you, universe.
Lydia: I hate you. Stop bowing. No one can see you. Stupid.

1. Fashion Choices:
Kate: Oh my Maude. Look at her [lip points to other mom at the park] What's with the short skirt and, is she wearing heels? and she keeps fussing with her hair.
Lydia: Umm, hello. She's looks exactly like you but she's Korean.
Kate: I'm wearing flip flops. That counts.
Lydia: You're wearing *fancy* flip flops. Doesn't count. Spill some coffee on your boob and we'll talk.

(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2010

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