Friday, September 10, 2010

Wake Up Daddy! - The Funniest F*cking Thing I Heard All Day

We couldn't get the Cap'n out of bed.  After an hour of my niceness, prodding, delivering hot cups of tea and telling him that daylight was burning - I finally called in the big guns: the Little Terror Suspects.  Nothing can make your own bed less appealing than three squirming, fighting, attention-starved children on a Saturday morning.

I sent Thumbelina (age 7) in first, with a nudge and a "go wake up Daddy." She came back five minutes later looking sad.  When I asked her what was the matter she said: "Daddy is mean.  Just because I told him his breath smelled worse than poop, he growled at me and told me to get out.  I need a hug, mommy..."

Then I sent in the baby.  At 21 months, she tippy-toed into the room and said in the sweetest voice imaginable: "Dadda! Det UP!" and I heard some murmured conversation between them and a big smack of a kiss and then she she toddled back down the hall and into the kitchen.  She scowled at me, grabbed a cucumber off the counter and said: "For Dadda. No for Momma." And scampered back into the bedroom.  She came back out a minute later and handed me the cucumber, looking confused. 

Apparently, he didn't want a cucumber.

So I asked Hawk (age 5).  I told him to go wake up Daddy and off he went, his big boy feet going slappy slappy slappy down the hall.  I heard a howl from the Cap'n followed by: "HAWK! Get your feet off my bottom!  What are you doing?!" 

Hawk hopped off the bed with a thump and started walking back to his room, as he said:

"Sorry... I was just practicing."

The Cap'n was all: "Practicing?!  For WHAT?"  But he was already out of bed.  Well done, Hawk.

The. End.

(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2010

11 comments:

  1. Can't. Stop. Laughing!!! This is soooooo my hubby every dang Saturday!

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  2. My DH is a farmer, so there is no 'weekend' for us, but I still never hesitate to send in the troops if he's been snoozing a bit longer than Mommy likes (who are we kidding ... he ALWAYS gets to snooze longer than me!). Did I mention we have 4 boys?? Something about our bed just yells "Wrestle Here!! As rough as possible!!" It's all fun until someone is crying ... which in inevitable. Good times. :)

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  3. so wanting to know about the cucumber...

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  4. hahahahhahahhahahhahhhahahahahha! I am dying to know about the cucumber, though...

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  5. OMG, LOVE IT!!! My kids won't wake up my husband. Really seriously won't. For whatever reason, my daughter will cheerfully wake me up ev.er.y.morn.ing. with the very loud, very cheerful phrase: "Wake up, Mommy! You forgot to make me breakfast!" Always so confident that sleep-deprived Mommy will not throttle her or even say anything mean. Bless her. My son will ninja in and say, beaming: "Boo! Guess what?" followed by whatever cool new thing he's thought of. Of course he isn't usually the first one up, but I treasure those times. Being startled as an opening gambit beats being browbeaten/guilt-tripped.

    BUT.

    If I tell them to go wake up Daddy? Same reaction, either kid: I get the funny look, as if this concept is unfamiliar. A father? In the house? Whuck? When I insist, there is a reluctant sigh and the soft pat of little feet, a barely audible climbing of the stairs, and the click of our door opening. Then - SILENCE. I hear nothing. I've even followed them to hear what they do differently. Do you know what they do? They STAND THERE. WATCHING HIM SLEEP. One of them *might* whisper "Daddy?...Daddy?...Um...it's morning..." Once or twice I've even caught them rubbing his head gently.

    Then they come downstairs and inform me that "Daddy won't wake up."

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  6. Daddy just ignores me and the kids completely and keeps snoring like a bear but sometimes I will get into bed and kick him and if he feels it and complains, I say, sorry honey I was having a bad dream - so what do you want to do today - even though I have been up for four hours.

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  7. Hee, hee. My fav was the baby :) Sweetness. So cute you can just eat them!

    And "delivering hot cups of tea!?" If I did that I would never get him outta bed :P

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  8. LMAO Seriously? What was he practicing? And why a cucumber?!

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  9. That is awe-some! We have similar scenarios at our house, but none of them have involved a cucumber.

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  10. That literally made me laugh out loud and my baby thought it was funny that Mama was laughing so she's giggling hysterically too! Hawk is practicing his Butt Kicking skills? Love. It. Now I know what it'll take to get Dada out of bed this afternoon!

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  11. I totally resemble this whole Saturday morning routine. With the exception of the cucumber.

    Thanks for the laughs,
    Signed...
    The Other Poopy Breath, Saturday Morning Lazybones.

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