Monday, October 18, 2010

Glam + Lame = Glame

I am not a fancy or fashiony kind of woman. I am a comfortable in my yoga pants kind of woman. I am a ‘90% of my shirts have boobstains’ kind of woman. So when I found out that Kate and I were going to be on TV, I realized that I needed to get a serious make-over. And I only had 2 days to get my act together. That was not going to be enough time.

I look at certain women that are attractive and composed and always put-together and think: ‘how did they end up like that and I ended up like this? Was there a special girl class in high school that I missed? If I’d paid closer attention then would I have avoided becoming a 37 year old who doesn’t know how to put on eye shadow and only manages to shower 6 days a week?

But I am all about the effort! So here are the steps I took to go from Lame to Glam in 48 hours. Except that I didn’t quite make it to glam. I think I made it somewhere in between. I ended up glame.

Step One: Research
I tivo’ed the show I was going to be on to get an idea of what it would be like. I watched it again and again, a sense of unease growing exponentially with each viewing. This was going to be embarrassing.

I then hit the internet, goggling things like: 
  • What do TV hosts ask mommy-bloggers?
  • How to lose 300 pounds in 2 and a half days
  • Has anyone ever thrown up on live TV?
Let me share what I learned from this lesson. If you are terrified and in a panic DO NOT THINK GOOGLE WILL HELP. It will make things infinitely worse.

Step Two: Planning
In a situation where time and resources are limited, careful planning is essential to success. I plotted my course for the next 48 hours down to the minute and readied myself with caffeinated beverages and deep breathing exercises. This might actually work!

Then my five year old son Hawk got croup, nearly stopped breathing and was on the verge of being hospitalized for a 24 hour period. One day later, I emerged from a stress-drenched frenzy of nebulizer treatments and cold humidifiers. He was fine and I was so relieved.

Furckitty furckwad. Only 24 hours to go.

Then my ancient, slutty laptop caught a virus and started acting funny. Six hours later she was dead. I had no computer. WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO NOW? Don’t panic. Don’t panic. Worry about that later. After you fall down on live TV and need to be taken out on a stretcher.

Step Three: Outfit
Most of my clothes are either hand-me-downs from my fashionable mother or purchased from one of the fine retailers where I also go to buy diapers (Target or Walmart). Kate told me that I was not allowed to wear a black t-shirt from Walmart on TV. No exceptions. Well super. That rules out everything I own that doesn’t have a visible boobstain.

I realized I had a $100 gift card for Talbots. Talbots closed at nine. It was 7:45 pm. I set a land speed record to get to the mall and ran in my clogs all the way to the red door that marked my destination. I walked in and frantically announced: “I need help! Will somebody please help me! I need an outfit and it has to be awesome!” The sales staff looked concerned and I could tell they were contemplating calling security.

For a moment, I felt like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman when no one would wait on her even though she had all of Richard Gere’s credit cards and money. Except I'm not a hooker and I only had the one gift card. At 8:59pm I walked out with a sweater and a pair of pants I ended up not wearing. [Editor's Note: The Cap’n has asked that I clarify that I was not pants-less on TV. I just wore something else. Sorry if that was confusing. I usually remember to wear pants. - Lydia]

Step Four: Hair
I needed something to cover up my truly horrific roots. My hair was in dire need of re-striping but there just was no time for me to go to my usual salon (the Hair Cuttery in the Walmart shopping center). Kate, please stop gagging. That’s how I roll. So I asked a bunch of people what I should do given that it was now 9:45pm and I was going to be on TV the next day. Kate said don’t worry about it. My friend Mimi suggested wearing a hat. The Cap’n thought I should wear a bright orange Cincinnati Bengals football helmet so that the hosts and audience would immediately know who they were dealing with. Ellen said I had 15 minutes before Target closed and I should go buy a bottle of semi-permanent hair dye. This could work. And if I could just get my roots sorted out, I would have checked off everything on my list.

As I was running out of the house to go buy the hair products that would be my salvation and the key to my television success, one more thing happened. My husband shouted at me from across the house: “LYDIA! Wait! It’s really important!” I paused, thinking that I had no time to spare…

He stopped at the top of the staircase and looked at me imploringly. “You’re going to buy some hair dye?”

I nodded and did the little dance that is the international sign for 'I’m in a hurry' and also, 'I have to pee'.  The words that came out of his mouth caused me to go into such a state of hysteria and giggling that I literally stopped caring if I would throw up on TV. I realized that I could be preparing for a personal audience with OPRAH herself and I would never, ever be anything but glame. Can you guess what he said? Oh, I think you can.

“Do you have a coupon for that?”

xo, Lydia – The Glamest Girl In Town

(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2010

28 comments:

  1. somehow - even after reading about the Capn for a year - I didn't see the coupon coming - snortin' funny!

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  2. I am keeping this comment anonymous. I want you to know that Glame is SEVERAL echelons in the mommyhood hierarchy above me. I manage ON AVERAGE less than 2 showers per week. And I climb in the bathtub with my kids maybe once a week. In the words of my child "Mommy, you a dirty girl."

    yep, yep I am...

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  3. OMG that was classic. Leave it to the cap'n.

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  4. Glame. My new favorite word.

    Hope the show went well!

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  5. Hi, my name is Glame and I think I am a the least fashionable person in the room! I completely relate to this...ALL OF IT...except the showering 6 days a week. I think I have mine down to 4 days. Hair...total wreck...and self dying is a big NO NO because, well...blonde is not a do it yourself quick fix. I <3 my yoga pants too. Why can't designers make everything that comfortable??

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  6. Ooooh, now I have a title. I'm Glame! Thank you Lydia. I feel very cool now. We have a Glame club. Rock on.

    And I love the Cap'n! I love his comment! That was fantastic.

    Now I'm off to change out of my yoga pants. (I've had them on for a day and a night and I just worked out so, yeah, I should change. But I have no time to shower.) The question is, do I wear my big gray sweats, my ripped jeans, my faded jeans or my old gray drawstring pants? Decisions, decisions...

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  7. I heart you also. Target sells the best pair of yoga pants ever. I have three pairs, all in varying degrees of fading to grey, bleach stains, and holes. And I wear 'em in public. I haven't had a haircut since last November. I'm just LAME.

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  8. Glame! Yes! I finally have a word to describe my mismatched clothes, have-done makeup, barely brushed hair and bathes-with-my-children-most nights look!

    Thank you!

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  9. GLAME! I love it---finally a title that fits me to a tee (or yoga pants)

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  10. 6 showers a week? That's enough to make you a super hero. Shopping at Talbot's is another one far above my pay grade. We buy all our kids' clothing at consignment sales and the past few seasons I've been able to find myself stuff there too. Yep, my clothes are hand-me-downs from strangers' children.

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  11. Oh Lydia...

    I usually shower every other day which translates to 3-4 times a week. At least one includes a child. You're doing better than you think...

    Between having babies and taking care of them, 90% of my clothes fall into one or more of the following categories: too big, too small, stained, maternity, and out of style. I sometimes look at my children's closets with envy. I wish I had an entire closet full of clothes that fit and made me look adorable!

    At least your hubby is on board with the coupon thing. I asked my husband to get me some newspapers when he was out yesterday and he didn't check to make sure the inserts were in there before he bought them... I called him on it and he said it was "trashy" to make sure they were in there before he bought them. When I compared it to buying eggs without checking to make sure none had cracks in them, he looked at me like I was a fracking crazy bag lady.

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  12. You should join me on my quest to get hotter and more glam! I even went to a spa this weekend for fancy skin treatment. They used dye from a box on my hair. Baby steps.

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  13. Oh I am so with you!
    I cut my own hair (which means it is in a contant state of butchery). I never learned how to put on make-up. I still wear sweatshirts from high school (ahem.. several years ago). And I would LIVE in my fleece and yoga pants if I could (I even have fleece pants!). Oh, and flip flops. Glad to know I am not alone. :)

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  14. Well, it must have all worked out because I thought you looked AWESOME. Way more than "glame." You did a great job, as if appearing on live TV was a completely normal, everyday thing for you. And I work in media relations, so I know these things.

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  15. I love you for being real, like the rest of us glame women out there. We thank you for making it ok to consider that black t-shirt from Target our "best" top. And for dying our own hair, failing to have any idea how to apply makeup, and wearing Payless shoes (do you wear Payless shoes too? Please tell me that I'm not alone in buying my "dress" shoes at Payless...). Glame women of the world, unite! Great post.

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  16. I feel your pain. I've basically been pregnant for 6 years, or maybe it just feels that way. But I finally decided that I'm tired of wearing yoga pants and showering every other day. With the economy being so bad, there are lots of sales everywhere. And considering I haven't bought any new clothes that didn't have nursing holes in them in that same amount of time, I get to buy new clothes and get a haircut more than every other year. It's the law of averages. OK, so maybe I will use a coupon. You can too! You deserve it. And make Kate go with you. Think of the material you'll have for your blog!

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  17. We need some sort of glame bootcamp. Kate should probably lead it.

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  18. Ditto pretty much everybody! Shower? 3x/week, if I'm lucky. Daily wardrobe? On campus: jeans that *kinda* fit and a clean shirt, so I look moderately presentable and somewhat authoritative. Shift to home, and t-shirts, yoga pants, anything that's been run through the laundry within the last month will suffice. I've lost any semblance of shame in that, since many students show up to class, the grocery store, the mall, in their jammies and slippers. What are they going to do when they have kids? The mind (what's left of it) boggles.

    And you just reminded me that I have a week to find conference-acceptable clothing. Furk. I think they're somewhere in my closet...or in basement storage behind "the piles."

    I'm going in. If you don't hear from me, I've either drowned in the morass of tiny clothes and toys, found Narnia, or committed Hara-Kiri, because none of the old conference wear fits, due to my personal problem of "morea$$."

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  19. I totally qualify for "glame" on my best of days (which isn't often).

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  20. "Most of my clothes are either hand-me-downs from my fashionable mother or purchased from one of the fine retailers where I also go to buy diapers (Target or Walmart)."
    That's me in a nutshell. When I come to work with a new outfit, usually someone blurts out (without a trace of irony)"was that your mother's?". This would be cute if I wasn't 41 and my mother 72, no matter how fashionable she is.

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  21. Thank God. I thought I was the only lame-o hitting the shower a few times a week. Of course, I fall into the "sad sack mommy" category so you can just leave me alone. Or start folding some laundry, if you can't leave me alone. Besides, my hair is really long and frizzy and it's not good to wash it more than 3 times a week.

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  22. how in the bloody hell do you find time for SIX showers a week?!

    @ nicola - right there w/ ya on the payless. i'll even go you one better - back when i wasn't working i needed black heels for a funeral, goodwill hooked it up, lol.

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  23. I'll echo everyone else. SIX SHOWERS A WEEK? You are the Goddess of Cleanliness. I often don't remember the last time I took a shower. My own stench reminds me that I am WAY past due for some soap and water. Oh, and I'm starting early Menopause, so I have pimples. Yay me. It's like puberty without the vanity, popularity, or hot skinny body.

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  24. I can't remember the last time I went out in real shoes, I wear flip flops all the times, and I managed two showers this weeks, I am very proud. My child wakes up when I have showers, it's about ten times worse this week, my husband got hit by a car last Tuesday and the child has a cold (on a side note, my husband wasn't seriously injured)

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  25. Thanks. I needed that this week. My legs only get shaven, because I have to get in the damn pool for parent and tot swim lessons once a week. You are my hero, because you make me feel like I am not alone in my boobstainery.

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  26. I laughed so hard, my eyes were tearing! Never mind that my 10 yr old son thinks I'm loony for cracking up while reading this on my phone. Thank you for reminding me of my blissful stay at home mommy days. ;-)

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  27. Lydia, if you looked perfectly pulled together all of the time, the rest of us would all feel "sublame" (worse than lame!) Thank you so much for reminding us that we aren't alone. I want to be fabulous like you when I grow up!:)

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