Sunday, October 20, 2013

The Halloween to Holidays Death Spiral

I originally wrote this post in 2010. Apparently my life has not really changed at all in the past 3 years. My kids are bigger and more self-sufficient so I was under the false impression that, I would re-read this post and be all - I was so adorable and flustered with my tiny little kids.


lol


That's right, Ricky Gervais. It's funny. It's hilarious. Go on and laugh. At me. At my expense. Because I just figured out that it doesn't matter how old my kids are or what stage of the parenting cycle in which I find myself. I will remain a jackass who is forever frenetically flapping about.

Welcome to the Death Spiral, my sisters. It is upon us.

--------------------



I just realized that Halloween is next week. Crappitty CRAPNASTIC craps. You know what that means? It means the Halloween to Holidays Death Spiral has officially begun and I am totally screwed. I am now officially behind on everything and will get more crazy and manic every week from now until right after New Years. At which point I will settle into a week-long depression where I irritably stare at the Christmas decorations and contemplate starting a bonfire in the backyard so I don't have to put the stuff away yet again. 

Every week there will be more stuff for me to deal with - in addition to the stuff I already deal with (or procrastinate doing).  For example, class parties and random events like book fairs where I am the helper mom and Girl Scouts and a baseball-end-of-the-season-hoo-haw and a near constant need for me to bake things that I want to cram in my mouth but can’t because if I fall off the diet wagon now I will weigh 567 pounds by New Years.

It all starts now – with the jarring realization that I have only 2 somewhat free afternoons (that are not already filled up with crap) in order to get ready for Halloween. Then I’ll blink and it will be mid-November. And then just when I think I might have my head above water, someone will get strep throat and I will realize that Thanksgiving is a week away which means damn it all – it’s the Holidays and out comes the 4,324 item to do list. Whuck happened? School just started. Where did September and October go?? I’m now headed into the busiest time of the year for a Mom, and I look forward to it like I do cold and flu season (which just so happens to occur simultaneously).

Maybe you think I’m exaggerating. Maybe you think I'm making it out to be worse than it is. I am not.

School is now in full swing.  Every day or so, two of my three children are required to complete a lengthy, time-consuming project of some kind. This means I must make several trips to the store, spend more money that I imagined possible, and dedicate hours of my time helping them paste random things to other things, while interfering just enough so that they get a good grade while not handing in something that is clearly my work (a violation of 18 U.S.C. 1358 -- Project fraud by mommy or daddy).

Seasonal holiday activities means baking copious amounts of sugary deliciousness that I can’t eat because of my commitment to radical ass reduction and also not triggering a diabetic coma. It means showing up to all of these events with an unruly toddler in tow, who manages to look like an angel while smashing things and setting them on fire. You know what’s more fun for a kindergarten class than watching than my youngest child steal cupcakes and then smash them into electric sockets while screaming "NO NO MOMMY NO!"?

Nothing. There is nothing more fun than that.

Fall sports are winding down, which means that there’s all sorts of end of the season things that must done. Emails must be sent, parties organized, money begged for collected, presents for Coaches purchased. All this work is made so rewarding when the child in question whines that they would rather stay home and watch Scooby Doo. YOU’RE WELCOME, you little ingrate.

Yard work takes over my life (or at least feeling schmiddty for not doing it when I know I ought to). Leaves must be raked. The garden must be “put to bed” for the winter. All of this either takes hours and hours of time that I don’t have or costs of hundreds of dollars to pay someone else to do for me. Except that I’m married to a man named Cap’n Coupon, so guess which option he is in favor of? Except the Cap’n works about a million hours a week and has no free time. Consequently, if we do it ourselves it will get done in January. Or, if we’re lucky (like last year) it will start snowing in December and by the time all the snow melts in April all the leaves we never got around to raking will have composted themselves as if by magic.

Cold weather apparel for the children must be assessed and procured. Because one minute it's warm and sunny, and the next it’s as cold as a motherless bastard and there’s about fifteen minutes in between. And here’s the other thing – if you don’t buy snow boots and gloves in November, you’re screwed because Target stops stocking them in favor of bikinis and flip flops in early January. Because that makes total sense.

The pre-holiday/mid-November OH SCHMIDT moment arrives when you realize that people will be coming to visit, new toys will be replacing old toys, you just paid for 6 months of car insurance and a massive shipment of heating fuel just when the checking account needs an injection of cash worse than Lindsay Lohan needs a nourishing soup/sandwich combo.  And the next six weeks are going to be such an overwhelming cluster that you had better whip that house into shape right now. Except it’s too far gone. You need that Niecy Nash lady and a humiliating half hour on reality TV to get it knocked out in one day so that you stand a chance in hell of being prepared for the holidays.

Then comes all the work and preparation for the actual holiday season. But I can’t even think about that yet because I need a drink. . . and to bake pumpkin bread . . . and to clean out the hall closet . . . and the sink drain. I’m in the death spiral.

See you in January.

(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2011

93 comments:

  1. Roll all that crap up and package it with I am due to pop this baaby out in Feb, and my son turns 2 in March and then Easter and so on...I live in a death spiral of bull schmidt too.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I never knew the death spiral could be so freaking hilarious. And now I have a serious need for so-adorable-I-could-never-actually-make-them-let-alone-eat-them cupcakes.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I am in the same place! I don't even have my Halloween decorations out yet! You know why? Because up until last Friday it was still summer, as in 95 degrees here, and now it is pouring rain! So now instead of dragging the decor totes out I am cleaning my rain gutters and switching out wardrobes! I right there withya... sigh... please pass the pumpkin bread.

    ReplyDelete
  4. "You know what’s more fun for a kindergarten class than watching than my youngest child steal cupcakes and then smash them into electric sockets while screaming "NO NO MOMMY NO!"?

    Nothing. There is nothing more fun than that."

    Ouch! I can't breathe! Laughing to the point of pain!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Whuck? No birthdays thrown in there? I have two offspring with winter birthdays. One in December and one in January (I blame my husband for this situation....his birthday/St. Patricks Day, end of lent, and no baseball or football games occur in March/April, soooo what to do what to do right???)Anyway, I get to channel my Marthaness in tastefully cooordinating Superhero decor with all the holiday decor. (dear son #1 has chosen this theme, I tried to talk him into a manger theme, cause well that was a great birthday to be celebrated, but....no)Then after all the holiday hoopla, hors d'oeuvres (I spell-checked it), and hangovers...BAM, comes January and its party time again, and no, of course it cannot be a superhero party too (what about sequels you yutes!)I won't even go into the cake and icing stupor that this has all left me in, because well then I begin to detox and start feeling good again and cleanse the toxic tye dye I ingested for 2 months straight with red wine, and then before I know it, it is March again and well....we don't want to go there again now do we?!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Both of my children are born in December.... one the 6th and one the 31st..... I blame my husband too, but honestly it can be blamed on the military and those darn post deployment babies ;) I just hit the death spiral running :P

      Delete
  6. I am sooooooo with you

    ReplyDelete
  7. You know ... it is possible to simplify one's life and so avoid all of this frenetic, costly, and often wasteful flapping around. Also, the unending references to alcohol might signal that part of the stress described in these posts (and in the comments) is related to a problem there. Just reading these descriptions can unnerve the reader; hard to imagine living such a chaotic, lurching life.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Judgy McJudgernaut...perhaps this blog is not for you. Lydia- thanks for the laughs. I'm in the middle of the death spiral too.

      Delete
  8. geez, snarky comment @8:15 or what!LOL

    This is my life too for the next two months, though substitute homeschooling for school, and add three birthdays between Oct 28 and Dec 4 (which makes trying to figure out Christmas gifts so much *FUN*) and 5 kids doing completely different activities (sometimes at the same time as the others). I LOVE this time of year, but I constantly feel behind through the New Year. What can I say, I have a lot of kids and a lot of places to be and things to do all at the same time!LOL I hibernate come January :D

    ReplyDelete
  9. Although I agree that Lydia is trying to do too much by herself and my heart goes out to her (girl, you can't do it all- you gotta let some of that stuff go), I think that there is probably a kinder way to phrase your comment, Anonymous. There is a line between helpful and judging, and you left that line far behind.

    Lydia, does your church have a Mothers Day Out? Putting my two year old in preschool a few mornings a week has saved my sanity and really helped my stay on top of things.

    ReplyDelete
  10. @Cher,
    We must be respectful. Gwenyth is entitled to her opinion. Plus I love that she described my life as "frenetic...flapping around". She is 100% correct and I'm *totally* stealing it. Seriously, though - her comment wasn't mean and it was well reasoned and well written.
    Love, Lydia

    ReplyDelete
  11. @Lydia, fair enough :) Though I don't even have alcohol as a little bit of an excuse for a "frenetic...flapping around" life. Maybe I'm missing something? :D

    I kind of like my chaotic life :D Better busy than bored is my motto (or so I try to convince myself that it is, when I'm curled in a corner muttering to myself).

    ReplyDelete
  12. OMG yes. I have to bake cookies for the Halloween Parade, convince my 2 1/2 year old that yes he really does want to be a lion, not Spiderman. Plan Thanksgiving for the family, minus my dad this year. So, throw hyper-emesis from my 3rd pregnancy in 4 years and grieving my dad, and you have my holidays! And no booze for mommy. :(

    ReplyDelete
  13. We must have been separated at birth.

    ReplyDelete
  14. If it makes you feel any better, I was on top of things for Halloween. My front yard was decorated in festive, yet tasteful decor. I even planted a bunch of orange mums to compliment the front porch. I wanted it to look nice for the the neighborhood block party Saturday and trick or treaters Sunday. I went out yesterday and yep, the mums are all dead. The whole neighborhood will be in my yard this weekend and it is covered with dead, rotting flowers.

    Morale of the story: Don't buy your mums at Wal Mart. Spring for the good stuff.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. My mum's died too. Then I decided dead flowers are fitting for Halloween. ;)

      Delete
  15. Michele- I was there a few years ago, literally! Except I lost my mom when I was 21 weeks along. The baby was a ture blessing, she really gave the family something to look forward too! And I managed to host almost 20 people at my house (2 days before my mom passed) for her final Thanksgiving. My heart is with you, you'll be fine. Really!

    As for this Thanksgiving, and last for that matter, my sister and I make my dad host it. We cook, but he gets the house clean, polishes all of the silver, irons the table cloths, etc. AND AS TOTAL CHRISTMAS LOVERS, WE GET TO DECORATE OUR OWN HOUSES EARLY!!! That may not sound like a lot, but with 3 kids that have a mother who worked in Christmas buying for 8 years, it's the best gift my dad could ever give me!

    ReplyDelete
  16. Oh and we can't forget the season of DEER HUNTING! Oh yeah, this 10 day long "holiday" always falls between my birthday and thanksgiving. I am not a hunter, but my "dear" husband is an avid hunter and he will NOT stop until the last day, even if he shot a deer. So this completely screws with my birthday (which of course should be a national holiday. Nov 17, mark it on your calendars!) and BLACK FRIDAY! The bestest, most awesomest day EVER! The hunting season around here is so serious that we (no kidding!) planned the birth of our children around the rut (the time at which the boy deer get a little horny and stupid like human men and forget all common sense until they get laid). This 10 day holiday completely ef's up my november. I don't even LIKE venison!

    ReplyDelete
  17. Yep. Add 3 birthdays to the mix and you've got my household.

    Except, I love it. I can't help it. I love the holiday season

    ReplyDelete
  18. Aww, thanks Kate. It is going to be hard this year, but, we'll get through it. I think I am mostly over sadness that I won't be making bernaise sauce for the roast with my dad. I hope you have fun decorating!

    ReplyDelete
  19. Breathe! Online Christmas shop. I had all three of my kids done in an evening. One less stressor. Toys R Us has free shipping at the moment and Walmart's site-to-store is always free. Good Luck. I stuffed 94 Halloween goodie bags over the weekend and have an insane amount of cake mix and frosting sitting on my counter waiting for me to tackle the Halloween cupcakes before Thursday. Let the rat race begin!

    ReplyDelete
  20. Whuck is right- expect my angel turns into Jack-Jack from The Incredibles. I'm in the death spiral with you. But 1 change from Halloween's past- I bought the costumes in SEPTEMBER!!! And at Goodwill, no less!!! Go me!!!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  21. Oh.Yes.Crap. Plus a conference this week, which marks the first time I've been away from my daughter for more than eight hours since she was born over 20 months ago (on the flip side, have fun with that, Daddy), typical midterm-finals school stuff, both mine and my students', and more than a little pressure from family to get this stinking dissertation to a point where we can get outta this stinking place by the end of summer.

    Wow. Too much of a bummer. The up side to this? At least the rest of the family is 6 hours away, and the insane-o parts of the holidays are taken in two one-week chunks. Monday after Christmas, we return to the peace and tranquility of our home. I cling to that like the life preserver it is.

    Here's to hoping EVERYONE can find a way to carve out some moments to stop and enjoy in the coming months!

    ReplyDelete
  22. I'm glad I'm not the only one who goes through this! Although I call it Birthday Season. For me, Birthday Season starts in September...and then MY girls birthdays' hit mid-October and Mid-November...and then segue into xmas season...

    I was so concentrating on Birthday Season this year that I totally forgot about Halloween...yesterday it hit me that Halloween is THIS.SUNDAY. and gasp, gasp, omg, I don't have a costume for the oldest and NO candy yet. Ferk.

    And I only have 3 pays left until xmas. O.M.G. :( Double ferk.

    ReplyDelete
  23. I agree...and I am new to the whole mommy makes the holiday! PLUS my daughter turns one...you guessed it...THE DAY AFTER CHRISTMAS!!!!!! So...I have to plan a 10 1/2 hour trip to be with family, prepare for first Christmas, and plan the all important first birthday party for 40! *sigh*

    ReplyDelete
  24. lydia, I completely disagree about "Gwyenth" being entitled to her opinion. We love you (and sympathize) and she clearly has not read the "Is this blog right for you" section. Just sayin'

    ReplyDelete
  25. My Halloween to Holidays Death Spiral is sandwiched between my kid's birthdays. October and February. Just when I'm thankful one birthday is OVER (this last weekend...13 beautiful princesses IN MY HOUSE), suddenly it's the Holidays...and then birthday for my son! Argh. The bathrooms might get clean sometime in March...

    And as for Gwyneth's comment above... I honestly thought to myself, "Why is this person reading this blog?!" This is a place for us to laugh at, cry with, and commiserate. There is NO ROOM for Judgey Mc Judgepants. Love you Lydia... you put the thoughts that were running through my head last night as I couldn't fall asleep into words... And made me choke on my coffee once or twice. ;-) (One would think I would have learned by now...)

    ReplyDelete
  26. Oh, my gosh.

    I have just spent what should've been Shred time over here instead.

    Thanks for the now even bigger butt.

    THIS PLACE IS HILARIOUS!!

    HOw could I not have known about you? I wish I could remember how I came over here.

    So dang funny.

    So dang funny.

    I hope you all know how funny you are, because you have got me feeling as good as a pot of good coffee does.

    I LOVE EVERYTHING AND EVERYBODY NOW!!All because of Rants From Mommyland!

    Quick! Where can I get the T shirt??

    ReplyDelete
  27. I'm with you on this. August on is pretty much a death spiral for me...August starts school, September 1 birthday, October another birthday, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas...Single parent and seems just when I recover from one thing financially another hits!

    ReplyDelete
  28. We were in target the other day getting halloween costumes and I saw the beginnings of Christmas already seeping into the store... I got sweaty and felt like I was going to throw up... On a side note... I can't stop wanting to use the word Whuck... I love it... it just rolls off the tongue and it's not embarrassing for your kids to repeat at family gatherings like some other choice words my kids have heard... "somewhere"...

    ReplyDelete
  29. Ooooooh boy. Yeah. The holidays. Goody. Add a birthday party and a husband with a crazy travel schedule and a baby with separation anxiety, then subtract the alcohol and coffee and you have mine. Every year I say I'll simplify. Every year it doesn't happen. Every year I'm a rabid monkey with a boob stain by December 18th.

    Can't we just skip forward to the middle of March or something?

    ReplyDelete
  30. I hear you loud and clear, Lydia! Wanna hear the awesome part here? Since His Kiltiness is coming off 2 years of pay freeze followed by a year of pay CUT, we're doing Christmas On a Shoestring, which involves...guess what? Of course: I'm MAKING HOMEMADE GIFTS FOR EVERYONE. And the homemade thing is filled chocolates. I may never come down off the caffeine contact buzz. Or when I do? I'm going to have one *bugger* of a caffeine-withdrawal headache. Mommy may need aspirin for the entire month of March.

    ReplyDelete
  31. I can't explain my dread of the holidays...just feel the tightening in my throat. Or is it nausea? Years ago I looked for substance and rejected the hype. But that fell flat with the inlaws (who only wanted to celebrate at MY house - figure that!)

    If you run past a woman in Target with her eyes rolling in back of her head, mumbling something like "it's the end of the world as we know it..." that's me. Once I get the tree down - before February - I'll return to my normal 'whuck' self.

    ReplyDelete
  32. gah. Halloween. See, was on top of it. Costumes? Check. Then son changed his mind. Aghh. So do I stuff him into his adorable hand made turtle costume or into the too small cowboy costume from last year? The best laid plans. Now I'm off to bake nut free treats for preschool -- and who knew that was so hard? Cannot even imagine doing this every.single.day!

    ReplyDelete
  33. Ah, how to survive the bake sales of the holiday season without buying new and larger pants. Last year I was in butt-reduction mode and my thing was: pick a treat you really don't care for (for me it's shortbread - maybe for you it's anything with licorice or something like that - whatever it is there is a child out there who will kill for it).

    Buckle down and make a LOT of it one afternoon (doubling and tripling receipes is so much faster than making 3 different things - plus most things you can tweak a little and make 'em look different - different cookie cutters, for example). Then freeze it all in paper-plate-and-ziploc-bag stashes (so classy, don't you think? Go for the quality paper plates so you look really high-class). Then you are DONE and it's something that doesn't whisper your name in the dark of the night ;>

    And on the new coats et al, honestly I do a lot of my shopping on eBay - you can browse through by size and gender, how awesome is that? Check this: http://clothing.shop.ebay.ca/Outerwear-/147324/i.html?rt=nc&Size=4T&_catref=1&_dmpt=US_Baby_Toddler_Boys_Clothes&_fln=1&_ssov=1&_trksid=p3286.c0.m282 (Just guessing at Lefty's size). Again, no leaving the house with three screaming monkeys...umm, I mean lovely angels in tow, into the pre-holiday madness. Also, check out the online stores - Lands End has sales on a regular basis, just 'like' them on Facebook to keep abreast - 30% off plus free ship on everything just ended, but there will be at least one more before the holidays, be sure of it. And you can say 'Oh, I'm just on FB looking for sales'...the Cap'n will be so proud ;>

    And finally, Gwynyth should keep her holier-than-thou attitude to herself. Yes, simplify is good, but snark-free living is better. Just sayin'...

    ReplyDelete
  34. Just on a side note- is that Ronald Reagan with a giant pair of garden shears up there? Because
    I think they should re-do Nightmare on Elm Street with that as the theme.

    ReplyDelete
  35. thanks for making one more mommy feel normal. i just used a clorox wipe on my babe's bum this week. the whole time i was thinking, "this doesn't smell quite right...hmm. oh, well." now i don't feel so bad :)

    ReplyDelete
  36. @The Empress - we're soooo happy you've found us at last. If you want to rock a MommyLand t-shirt you can click on our store:
    http://www.cafepress.com/MommyLandRants
    Thank you!!
    Lydia

    ReplyDelete
  37. I'm going to have to ask all of you...including Anonymous Gwynyth/Gwenyth, and everybody stressing about this "death spiral" to hush! Seriously, no judgey mcjudgerson (especially about the alcohol thing--that was waaaaay uncalled for...that sort of thing is serious, and I think the occasional t-box for drinking and making fun of is not a bad thing, but we're not going to look like we're accusing anybody publically of needing to seek treatment for that), and no "life is crazy until January" nonsense, 'cause I am in denial! :-) Seriously though, gals, thanks for the venting session all around. We'll all get through this time of year, despite the busy-ness. We always do, don't we? No matter what is happening, sad busy, or happy. We always manage to figure a way out of things and manage to make things right for our family. God bless us everyone!

    ReplyDelete
  38. Yep, just bought the snow pants, boots, hat & gloves at target. Which means, since I am somewhat prepared there will be no snow at all this winter.

    ReplyDelete
  39. Ah yes, it starts. My birthday this week, then Halloween (THANK YOU Target for stocking costumes in my girls' size this year!!), then Thanksgiving, a sister's birthday, friend's daughter's birthday, 2-week winter holiday, Christmas, friend's son's birthday, another friend's son's birthday, New Years, twin brother and sister's birthday, our anniversary, about 1500 other friend's daughter's/son's birthday, cuz dontcha know all my girls' friends have birthdays the same time of year, 2nd daughter's birthday, next day 1st daughter's birthday, 1500 more friend's daughter's/son's birthdays, Valentine's Day, mid-winter break .... March is about right! That's when I have my annual mental breakdown, anyway. :)

    ReplyDelete
  40. My husbands family is wealthy. They have parties. These parties require new dresses for my daughter and I. Each party means a new dress. Last Christmas...7 parties. Yep that's right 14 dresses. It would be a crime to re-wear dresses. I nearly had a stroke. COmpound that with three niece birthdays two weeks before Christmas and I totally understand the spiral.

    This year we are having a cheap Christmas. We are staying home. Only one party with the in-laws and we started shopping in August this year.

    Last year TV saved us money. I saw a commercial for air miles rewards. Saved a couple hundred dollars cashing in air miles for Christmas presents. This year we did the same and got our daughter the deluxe toy kitchen that is waaaaay too expensive to ever actually buy as well as some toys that are going to make us the coolest aunt and uncle ever!

    Also, if you find it hard to get out of the house. Spend some time internet shopping. I have done at least half of my shopping after the kid has finally passed out.

    Good Luck!!! January isn't THAT far away...

    ReplyDelete
  41. This is simultaneously too true to be funny and also hilarious. My family all knows that Christmas is a four-letter word for me. We've got a January birthday in there, too ... every year I feel terrible because of how much I hate my child's birthday. Bring me my T-box, NOW!

    ReplyDelete
  42. I need a wife. That would solve so many problems. I think that bigamist tv dude may be onto something...

    ReplyDelete
  43. If I could I would "like" this post. Actually i would "love" it. So funny.

    ReplyDelete
  44. Both of my children have January birthday's so my "death spiral" continues after Christmas to organizing two birthday parties, then that whole holiday mess is over again until October.

    Ya. I cannot figure out where the last two months have gone...

    ReplyDelete
  45. I completely understand your need to freak out at this time of year.... My birthday was last week... Halloween is this weekend... my youngest daughter's b-day is next weekend.... we go on vacation for a week the next week and return the day before Thanksgiving... my sis-in-law's b-day on 12/12, then there is the girls' Christmas ballet recital, Christmas, my father-in-law's b-day on 12/27, New Year's, and lastly my oldest turns 13 at the end of January... Oh, and add in two banquet/Christmas parties for my husband's job (that I need to find dresses for -- can't be the same dress either... one semi-formal, one black tie formal). I'm ready to crawl into a hole until Valentine's Day. Add in homeschooling all three of my girls and regular jaunts across town to ballet, tap and jazz classes..... effing shoot me now.

    ReplyDelete
  46. I'm supposed to mulch leaves and put the garden to bed? Oh geez, more stuff.

    My daughter is only 10 months old and I'm already depressed. Thanks a lot! :-)

    ReplyDelete
  47. Yes, the Halloween to Holidays Death Spiral doth cometh and I wish it wouldn't-uth. My perspective? 6 halloween events this weekend for my 5-year-old (seriously, who needs that many?), the fiance goes on tour for almost three weeks in November, ThanksChristmas with immediate family (a torturous 10-hour car drive away) then I see my child off for Christmas to visit his Scrooge of a father (my ex) for the holiday (in which I am a total holiday ho' b/c I love xmas) and it's the first Christmas without my son and as much as I would love to sit in a closet the entire holiday and drink my blues away I cannot b/c I am 3 MONTHS PREGNANT (which is totally awesome)! Oh, did I mention that I'm planning our wedding which is happening on New Year's Day? On January 2nd I will look and feel like I'm 80. And I thought 41 felt old. Yeay!

    ReplyDelete
  48. Before kids I used to have my shopping done and shipped (from out of state) before Thanksgiving. 2 kids, a husband that might as well mean a 3rd kid, 2 horses, 3 dogs and 2 cats later I can't even get shopping started until a few weeks at best before Christmas. I also have 2 birthdays and my wedding anniversary at Christmas. It's total insanity. And yet, my favorite time of year despite the stress. I must be a crazy glutton for punishment. Happy Halloween.

    ReplyDelete
  49. Hey ladies.
    We may actually (gulp) move houses in early December. I am in complete denial. Do you have any tips/advice/soothing epitaphs you could impart about moving with children?

    xo,
    Kali

    ReplyDelete
  50. Good luck Kali!! Second only to our lack of funds, the dread of moving my 2 young'uns is the reason we're not moving into a new house this year.
    And regarding the beginning of the spiral... AMEN! I call the first weekend in December my "official" start to the "holidays" as we throw a Madrigal party that weekend (insuring that I get the Christmas decorations up in that precious week- NOT before Thanksgiving, but early enough that all the work is worth it & they're up in time to enjoy them before Christmas.) Nevermind that I have half our Christmas shopping done already so we can bring it out of state when we visit the inlaws in the middle of November. SLOW DOWN, WORLD!

    ReplyDelete
  51. Hysterical,..love...this....blog...made...my....day(keyboard...doesnt...work)

    ReplyDelete
  52. At first I was just scamming over your blog just reading the side bar and thought to myself "Wow over 8 thousand facebook fans, I cant even get to a hundred after hours and hours of tweeting and posting and blogging until my finger tips are bleeding" then I started reading and this was the funniest thing I have ever read. I have 4 kids 2 girls and 2 boys and 3 step daughters and you just told my life in much funnier way then I ever could. I am still laughing and I am done reading. P.S. my toddler will lick all the frosting off the cupcakes before smashing them into the outlets and screaming NO MOMMY NO but she adds YOU DONT EVEN LOVE ME in there so that every one now in the room is staring at you and your wondering which one will call Child Protective Services. Have a great day, I am now fan 8 thousand something and I look forward to reading more. :) Next time I wont drink 5 liters of water that I swear is supposed to help me lose this baby weight Ive been holding on to for the last 3 years.
    http://thisnthatboutiqueblog.blogspot.com/

    ReplyDelete
  53. The holidays are always rough at my house- Halloween has totally snuck up on me, and what's that? My husbands birthday is the following week? Since when? Then there is Thanksgiving, my birthday, my son's birthday (Christmas Eve!!), Christmas, and New Years... and this year I'm due with baby #3 on New Years Day. Oh, and hubby just lost his job. DEATH SPIRAL- I'm not even going to try to keep up with it all this year. It's just not gonna happen.

    ReplyDelete
  54. Oy, you read my mind. I'm thinking of running away from home, want to come with? :)

    ReplyDelete
  55. The holidays are such a friggin love-hate.

    From now until January it is all balls to the wall. Ugh.

    HELLLLLPPPPPPPPPP!

    ReplyDelete
  56. Try doing all of that, with the deployed husband, and grad school thrown into the mix. Please, just give me the comfy hug-me jacket, and a padded room, and let me back out after you put away the Christmas decor!!

    ReplyDelete
  57. Well, Gwynyth, you are entitled to your opinion and therefore you are going to HATE what I'm about to say...Kahlua for everyone!!! No seriously, I have no money this year after being fired while on Maternity leave so guess what? Everyone gets homemade Kahlua and cranberry zucchini bread for gifts. All my spare pennies are going to make my little girl's first birthday (3 days after Christmas) magical...

    ReplyDelete
  58. Yeah, What is up with Target/Walmart/Anyone not selling winter clothes in the Winter!?! I have a child that is constantly leaving coats, mittens, lunch boxes, you name it (even though they are totally marked with his name in sharpie) at school. I only seem to recover half of them, not sure where the rest is ending up, but sometimes you really do need to buy warm clothes in the winter.

    ReplyDelete
  59. OMG at 8:15 Gwenyth Paltrow read your blog!! LOL...I am already starting the panic...in Canada our Thanksgiving has passed already which only means that November 1st - it's freakin' Christmas around here! I am hosting the whole fam this year, because I am nuts and suffering from the Guilt that my MIL laid on me in that oh so condescending way..."Wouldn't it be nice for your daughter not to have to leave all her new toys and come to our house..." Hint hint...and then when I say a couple of weeks later that I will host, she acts all surprised and then says, "well I will come but there are a few conditions...I don't like your stuffing or the way you make mashed potatoes so you have to change that and you have to invite my sister and her husband because we always invite them, and your brother-in-law is not going to his in-laws this year because of a falling out...yada yada yada...insert stabby feelings here..." So my cozy, simple dinner for 5 has turned into a three ringed circus!Look at that, it's 9:18 am and I am thinking that my coffee needs a bit of Bailey's lol...

    ReplyDelete
  60. BAHAHAHAHA! Yay, I love this post. So true! Death spiral indeed. I think I have already started on my way down the slippery slope of ignoring everything around me and playing spider solitaire until my eyes get sticky.

    ReplyDelete
  61. I always feel the squeeze the days before Halloween, it's like a freight train. Someone pushes me on the train on Halloween and I can't for the life of Maude GET OFF OF IT.

    Though I am almost done shopping (need an ornament from Hallmark open house) and to pick up a layaway in December and I'm done. I brag early and often about this fact and I get ridiculed, because it's so early. Then once we get to Nov 1 people freak out and realize IT'S NOVEMBER and they have to go batshit crazy. I only realized it beforehand and now I don't have to shop with the crazies ;D

    I have to contend with SEVEN christmas' between mine, my steps, my inlaws, my inlaw steps AND trying to have a nice Christmas morning in my own home. I also have my daughter's Christmas program ON THE SAME DAY as my son's December birthday. Plus I have to stop the forward momentum of Christmas, every year to throw my son a NON CHRISTMAS birthday party.

    Someone pass the nog!

    ReplyDelete
  62. but at least it is Pumpkin Spice Latte season :o)

    ReplyDelete
  63. I *heart* this. And I'm not even a "real" mommy yet, "just" a stepmom until Feb/March. So add carting the stepchildren back and forth and arranging who spends the holidays where while 6 months pregnant for the first time and on "limited activity" and I can relate. Remember, a project isn't a project until you find out about it the night before it's due and it involves at least two trips to Wal-Mart.

    ReplyDelete
  64. Oh yes - the death spiral has begun. And I have my first awesome cold of the season. And the little buggers have turned into the petri dishes that carry home all the best viruses! And baby boy has decided he doesn't like Simba anymore (the costume I have had for three weeks) and is Batman's biggest fan and "PLEASE PLEASE Mommy can I be Batman for Halloween?" Ah, no... Where's my wine glass?

    ReplyDelete
  65. I put my foot down this year and decided I was not going to loose my mind on the holidays. I am hosting Thanksgiving this year at our house and I told everyone that I was making a honey ham, green beans, mashed potatoes, and rolls. That's it. If they want anything else or don't like what I'm making, they can bring their own..LOL We will only be getting presents for the kids, and our boys are making cards (construction paper and glue) for all the adults. If some adult is offended by that, oh well. I also hit upon the perfect decorating idea last year. We were moving and I had already packed and sealed all the Christmas decorations. (yeah i know, bad planning on my part) I turned my middle child loose with the construction paper, scissors, and glue. We sat down and in one hour we had made decorations for the whole house and ornaments for the tree. He has asked if we can do it again this year. And undecorating (is that even a word?) was simple. Take down, throw away. It's a redneck holiday for us here, but maybe I can actually enjoy them this year. Now, where did I put that wine box?

    ReplyDelete
  66. “Cold weather apparel for the children must be assessed and procured. Because one minute it's warm and sunny, and the next it’s as cold as a motherless bastard and there’s about fifteen minutes in between.”

    Preach it, sista!! My temperature gauge on my car this morning was reading 37 degrees. WTF?? It’s three days before Halloween!!! And the forecast is calling for “mixed precip” tomorrow!!! Gahhhhhhh!!!

    I have a mini-death spiral towards the end of summer (daughter’s bday, my Mom’s ~ 3 weeks later, and mine the day after Mom’s). A couple of weeks “break” until the Holiday Death Spiral……….which runs ‘til Valentine’s for me. Son’s bday in January, and hubs bday 9 days after our son’s. Oh – and MIL’s bday in mid-Feb. Thennnnnnn, the break again. LOL

    @Nicole – I would looooooove my MIL to lay that type of guilt on me (without the extra “guests” invited to your Christmas celebration). Instead, she hosts a Christmas open house the weekend before Christmas, expects us to their house on Christmas (or Christmas Eve) *and* expects us for the annual-we’ve-been-doing-this-for-a-million-years-day-after-Christmas get together with another portion of her extended family. Yeah – three, count ‘em THREE – Christmas get togethers in approx 10 days.

    Awesome.

    ReplyDelete
  67. We are ahead of the game but ONLY because I am freaking 5 months pregnant and scared that I'll be going on bed rest like last time. Except this time I'll have a 19 month old. So we are doing everything NOW just in case. Don't hate me because odds are I will be on bed rest like a beached whale in late December while our son destroys everything we spent three months organizing. We halfway done making homemade preserves and stuff and I have all the clothes sorted. And I decorated for Thanksgiving. But I am pretty freaking freaked out about winter and being the size of a minivan while chasing our toddler.

    ReplyDelete
  68. Just finished 2nd kid b'day in 6 days, and we're off to the races for the spiral to continue! Both b'days came off lovely, kids decided to be something they already have for h'ween so just a few accessories and I'm good to go TorT'ing. Thx will find us 10 hrs away, and Christmas will find us @ home. I find Oct-Dec to be the rush rush rush time, and add in 3 sports between 2 kids, and I got a new puppy a month ago - I think I'm almost ready to be certified insane! It's all good in the RFML neighborhood!!! :)

    ReplyDelete
  69. Yet another reason I love being Canadian. Thanksgiving is over! We get November "off" and can use it to get ready foor the insanity of December. Oh but of course there is the kajillion hours that we will spend shoveling snow and boosting our car's dead batteries because it is -345 degrees outside- at noon!!!!! Hey if it's a spiral, that's kind of like a slide, right? If I scream people will think I am having fun?

    ReplyDelete
  70. WHUCK????
    HALLOWEEN is MONDAY???????

    ReplyDelete
  71. Lol, so all those other "helpful not judgmental at all" comments on other previous posts (including at 8:15) have been Gwyneth freakin Paltrow!!!? The Queen of Perfect Mommies!!!? I should listen then! NOT! (Borat style NOT btw).

    This blog is meant to be funny and relatable. Stop nit picking, you Gwyneth. I make references to being drunk and having drinks all the time, but only have had about 5 drinks in the last FOUR years! It's a form of expression and it's called humor! You should read about it, but I guess you can't because you don't read like us lowly folks. You have the author read it to you in person because that's the only respectable way to read.

    If you don't like it don't read the blog anymore. Lydia and Kate have plenty of followers and they aren't gonna stop referencing to alcohol.

    Kate and Lydia- you guys rock and yes, today I feel totally stabby. Someone should write a domestic enemies of blog Mommies.

    ReplyDelete
  72. I'm due with our 4th in 5 years on 12/30/11, so the death spiral will keep me pleasantly occupied and busy and then BAM! it's the new year!! I am looking forward to the Halloween/Thanksgiving/Christmas/Plus 4-6 birthdays season for the first time in many years!

    ReplyDelete
  73. Oh, I'm so happy I'm not alone! This is exactly how I feel. November has been dubbed "Hell Month" by my husband and I. Its not that its bad stuff but there's just so much stuff to do!

    In addition to the holidays we usually move between Halloween and Thanksgiving (although not this year...THANK GOD!!!) Plus we have 3 birthdays during Thanksgiving week, including my oldest son. This year we have a new baby (who is 3 weeks old at the moment) added to the mix. I'm not even ready for this time of the year.

    ReplyDelete
  74. I'm a solution kind of gal, so here goes. Move to a condo in San Diego or Florida, where winter preparation involves buying another sweater. Spend the next 3 months traveling for work, and let Dad deal with the rest. People think it's sweet when Dad's do stuff, regardless if how flubbed up it is. So what if Johnny's holiday bake sale contribution was store bought hamburger buns (made with corn syrup- egads!) and his teachers got Charger's socks for gifts? Since Dad picked them out it's 'just so wonderful his father is so involved.'

    ReplyDelete
  75. "You know what’s more fun for a kindergarten class than watching than my youngest child steal cupcakes and then smash them into electric sockets while screaming "NO NO MOMMY NO!"? " WTF? You were at my daughter's Halloween program this morning? Except everyone but us speaks Russian so they didn't even know what my son was screaming about.

    ReplyDelete
  76. I so love this post. My death spiral actually starts the first day of soccer practice, back in September, but otherwise, TOTALLY dead on. And as a kid/young adult I used to LOVE the run-up to Christmas. The songs, the presents, the tree, the anticipation, the cooking, more songs - and now I feel like crying on Dec 26th because the whole damn season came and went and I didn't get to enjoy a minute of it!

    ReplyDelete
  77. Add in 4 birthdays (Mom, sister, daughter, son-whose birthday falls 2 days before Christmas!) and then top it off with a winter storm watch TOMORROW and welcome to my life! And I get the privilege of repeating this every stinking year (except for the winter storm watch in October hopefully)

    Jrseygirl in VA

    ReplyDelete
  78. i'm there too sadly. first it's halloween. then two weeks later it's my daughter's birthday. two weeks later it's thanksgiving, two weeks later my husbands birthday, two weeks later it's christmas, two weeks later my son's birthday. oh, and i just found out that two bills i just paid put us into overdraft. perfect.

    ReplyDelete
  79. I gotta say I am SO glad that up here in Canada, Thanksgiving is in the beginning of October :D For Christmas last year, my friends and I decided to do a baking day, we all got our stuff together, left the kids with the husbands and spent ALL day hanging out, baking (um...and tasting) and having a little Chrismtas cheer lol, and we had a GREAT time!! So much so that we are planning it again this year, and our husbands are happy because they get food at the end of it....win/win :)

    ReplyDelete
  80. Throw in three birthdays and an anniversary.plus the holidays and you have my house.

    Seriously, learn to say no. I always hated those holier than thou perfect baking cupcake PTA room moms. My life is my life.. I was working full time, going to college on a triple major full time, plus two kids. No PTA cupcake bitch is going to make me feel bad about my choices!

    Its October 28th and I don't have any Halloween decorations up. I work, I'm a mom (of teenagers!-- I wish for toddler years again). All I"m saying is relax, do your best and secretly give the rest of those people the finger in the kiss and go line!

    ReplyDelete
  81. Has it already been a year since the last round of frenetic flapping? I've already had a bottle of Moscato tonight so I'm pretty sure I'm ready for anything. Flap! Flap!

    ReplyDelete
  82. This program lacks the production resources to fix what's wrong with Lydia's house.

    snort snort snort.

    Why don't I meet anyone like you two in my real life?

    Oh, yeah...right. If they were like you they'd be online...so I'd never meet em anyway.

    ReplyDelete
  83. Just in case ya'll didn't hate me before....I actually lose weight till the end of the year. I know, I'm not really bragging, and you won't think so either when I tell you why. 11 years ago I had gastric bypass surgery and have since lost 160lbs. After two kids, I've gained about 40lbs, but my point is, I can't handle sugar. It gives me an upset tummy. Actually, it gives me bad diarrhea. So from about a week before Halloween till well after New Years, I don't have a solid poop at all. It's wonderful. Sort of.

    I made the kids and the husband carve the pumpkins, now I get to clean up the mess. (Oh, no, sorry. Mr. Man just informed me he cleaned up the mess. I knew there was a reason I married him.) I definitely got the crap end of that stick. And I'm trying so hard this year to have a plan and schedule of what needs to be done or cleaned, but I don't have a whole lot of confidence in it, since it didn't come with a sexy Marine to help me clean and organize the mess. Oh well.

    ReplyDelete
  84. When I read this, I thought for a minute I had written it! This weekend I spent a ridiculous amount of time doing yard work that my husband can't because he had shoulder surgery (and we sure can't afford to hire someone, I know I got quotes), coordinated a gift for the soccer coach, made a last minute costume for my oldest son after an epic fail at ordering one, and realized that my darling daughter doesn't have boots (oops, the snow is starting). Today I am madly making cookies before I take the three year old to help out with the 1st grade Halloween party. And I know its only going to get worse from here.

    ReplyDelete
  85. I know it seems insane now, My kids are now in grade 3, 7 and 8 and in all honesty I look forward to the holidays. My kids were able to pick out their costumes, they can trick to treat together without me. They love to shop for and wrap christmas gifts, and have even learned to budget.

    Although I sympathize with the toddler and the cupcakes (I am a playschool teacher and see cookies in light sockets and tantrums as mom drags them out so their older sibling can go to school) but in a year or two they arrive at my school, smile in place... those tantrums are gone and they are now learning basic listening skills.

    Then in 2 years I watch them enter Grade 1 and my heart melts as I see they are no longer that little person who JUMPED into my arms everytime they saw me. They are growing up.

    These days end fast so enjoy them. My suggestion to help you out for next year is, I buy my kids boots at the end of the season for next year.. I usually go 2 sizes larger then they are. IF they do not fit you can sell them as NEW on facebook, then buy a size that fits. Same with winter jacket and ski pants. Although I usually only go 1 size larger for clothes.

    Baking is great in the freezer.

    Also look for sales throughout the year. I have a "STASH" of emergency gifts for teachers, kids and of course my own kids gifts too.

    Decorating is your own choice. Keep it simple while the kids are small. I had animated animals I bought on sale at the end of last season. And then a tree that the kids could make look pretty... It was never beautiful to me but to the kids it was the best tree in the world.

    ENJOY these days... One day they will be grown and you will say what happened.

    ReplyDelete
  86. There does seem to be a LOT of references on this blog that glorify drinking. Perhaps a little introspection might be in order. Kids are stressful-- "T-boxes" are not really the best solution to combat that stress.

    ReplyDelete
  87. It's 2013. Relax Lydia. Do what is right for your family and your heart. Don't try to compete with supermoms. You will lose to them, but win with your family and the things close to your heart. (Give it up Mommyland). 20 years from now...what will you regret?

    ReplyDelete
  88. I feel like I just had an out of body experience. .... are you sure I'm not you??? Like super sure?

    ReplyDelete
  89. LOL Good blog. I work for a church so I add in that to our holiday craziness, plus 2 December birthday (1 of the kids and my husband's) and a January anniversary.

    ReplyDelete

ShareThis

LinkWithin

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...

Popular Posts