Friday, October 15, 2010

Overheard at Happy Hour

You'd think Kate's friends would have known better. In their defense, they totally saw her wielding her mad Sharpie and she actually had to ask The Pole Dancer [Editor's Note: We gave up calling her Emma. Mostly because we can't resist saying stuff like, "So, I was talking with the Pole Dancer..." in front of strangers. - Kate] for some newspaper...but add in some whacktacularly named vodka and a game that has the *worst* name ever, and we turn into total jackholes who say a lot of things they'll be regretting later...

For simplicity's sake, there were seven of us girls: me, the Pole Dancer, Meg, Jo, Beth, Amy and's WAY easier that way...

Beth: "Did you know that alpacas hum?"
Jo: "Hump?"
Beth: "No. Hum. Like a tune."
Meg: "Why?"
Beth: "No idea. It's trivia. Just go with it."

Beth: "OH! Remember New Year's Eve?"
Amy: "You mean, when the police showed up at your house?"
Beth: "Uh, no."
Amy: "Oh. Then, no. I don't remember."

[cheering by the men]
Jo: "What happened?"
Jo's Husband: "I got a cornhole!"
[men high five]
Jo: "Really? This is all about saying 'cornhole' isn't it?"
Jo's Husband: "I spent two days cutting the boards, drilling the holes, painting it. We play with bean bags. Of course it's about saying the word cornhole."

[Editor's Note: So, about Cornhole. It's basically throwing a bean bag into a hole in a plank of wood that's some specific distance away from another plank of wood with another hole in it. The men were very intense about the game. Oh, and I just found out there's a whole website and rules and association affiliated with Cornhole. Yeah. Why do I feel like Beavis? - Kate]

Amy, who's husband won Cornhole: "I'm the Cornhole Queen."

Pole Dancer: "So, Meg. You know we can't go to that workout class because it's a holiday on Monday."
Meg: "Ugh. I hate school holidays." [to Kate] "So, you're out too then, right?"
Kate: "Yes and no. No, because I have Nanny. But, yes, because I have to go to work. I'm never going to lose that last five pounds."
Meg: "Shut up. Look at you."
Kate: "You don't see me naked. I wish I could go to that class."
Pole Dancer: "Wait! What? You're taking naked classes?"
Amy: "My kids' school doesn't care that Columbus discovered America, so they have school. There's naked classes?"

Jo: [to Amy, who's in the middle of chemo which sucks but she's like kicking its ass and she wears awesome wigs and we all lurve her totally forever] "Can you drink?"
Amy: "No. Stupid drugs and, like, they counteract with alcohol. Remember when cancer drugs used to make you all skinny?"
Jo: "You know, they make drugs for everything. You'd think they'd make side effects that were like, 'may cause spontaneous orgasms' or get rid of grey hair or something like that."
Amy: "Or bigger boobs! But sometimes I wake up thinking I have like double G's and I'm terrified."

Beth: "Have you seen the new True Blood?"
The Pole Dancer: "Shut up! Dont' talk about it! I'm in Season Two."
Beth: "I'm in three!"
Louisa: "I don't watch it. I don't have HBO. I'm enough of a TV junkie."
Beth: I don't have HBO either. I have Netflix."
Louisa: "Nope. Don't have that either."
Amy: "I was going to give up Netflix. Then I told them I was giving it up because I had cancer, and now I think we get it for free. Forever."

[Kate pours the last of the Purples -- which is her awesome pomegranate martinis -- way easier to say purple that pomegranate...especially after you've -- she's? -- THEY'VE -- had seven.]

Jo: "I'm buying this tomorrow. The purple. And the vodka. What is it?"
Meg: "Effen. Effen Vokda."
Jo: "Like, f**king vodka?"
Meg: "No, like Effen. See? [holds up bottle] "Ooh, listen." [reads label] "Distilled from wheat grain and 'perfect water.' Deerfield, Illinois."
Jo: "Who knew? There's perfect water. In Deerfield.
Beth: "Tomorrow, I'm gettin' some f**kin' vodka."
Jo: "No. EFFEN Vodka.
Beth: "You buy your kind. I'll buy mine."

Louisa: "I need to find a new church. I tried The Pole Dancer's, but it was too meeting-ish. I feel spiritual, you know...even though --
Louisa's Husband: "Yeah! She periodically screams out, 'Oh God!' So, right. Spiritual..."
Louisa: "You're a cornhole."

(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2010


  1. *chokes on laughter*

    Gonna have to check out the corn hole site

  2. I wanna drink with your friends! This makes me wish I would hurry up and make some friends already.

  3. oh lawdy mercy....ty for the early morning laughter!

  4. Oh, how I miss Happy Hour with the girls... *sigh*

  5. We are having a cornhole tournament this weekend!! Yaaaay for cornhole!

  6. I think this, right here, sums up why I wish my friends and I could go out more often. I think my best friend and I managed it, like, ONCE in the last five years, because our schedules are so ridiculously full of kid-and-family stuff. Also? I think she needs a bottle of Effen Vodka.

  7. hmmm. I am sure my husband would have liked some kick ass side effects when he was going through chemo. (and I live close enough to Illinois lets roadtrip to find that perfect water...and stock up on effen vodka for when I am no longer with child)

  8. buy your kind, i'll buy mine...that is great! i think i need to spy on my friends more often...we are constantly making strange conversation...but our vodka (or vino or rum...)nights generally end up with photo fun rather than transcripts...we "dance" we "sing" and we use very odd microphone stand ins...and i post on fb these embarassing things! at least you guys can change the names of the guilty!!!

  9. **Laughing (while remembering to put my Netflix in the mailbox...)**

  10. I got a hangover just reading that ;) (I rarely drink, you ladies would have me under the table in about 2 drinks. And I just know I'd wake up sans eyebrows) ;)

    And I DO think they need to put some good side effects in the bad drugs like chemo. I think "spontaneous orgasms" would make it alot more fun ;)

  11. Your friends sound *just* like my friends! And we have had the same "cornhole" conversation!! It's a little freaky, actually. I am buying some Effin vodka for my next hostess's perfectest!

  12. It may or may not surprise you to learn that I am notorious for saying wildly inappropriate things when I get tipsy. When my friends invite me out they often double my drinks just so they can sit back and watch the train-wreck unfold.

    Anyway, I can top Beth's trivia: did you know that male alpacas actually try to bite each other's testicles off during a fight? So if you're raising two males together you have to remove their "fighting teeth"...or else someone is going to be running around looking for missing balls.

    That's what she said...?

  13. We have a themed neighborhood party every year that revolves around a Cornhole Tourney. Yep, a FULL OUT tourney. Teams, schedules, and lots of alcohol -- but since it is a WT theme, cheap beer not great Purple Martinis with F'ing Vodka. Maybe we should re-think our theme...

    Thanks for the laughs!

  14. On the left hand side of the page, in the "Ads by Google" section, I now see this: An ad for, "Custom Cornhole Boards, Bags, Decals, Lights & Much More!". And to think that until this very day, I'd never even heard of cornholing. Is that even a word?

  15. You are all the best and I want to go out with you and drink Purples and shout "Cornhole!"...when is the next night out?

  16. I just snorted my fried rice while laughing - rice in sinuses is not funny, while this article is. I love you guys.

  17. Thanks for the laugh! I love having girls' nights. And when I went through chemo, the only awesomeness was that I looked like a 12 yr old boy. That was just awesome in a bad way....

  18. I was on a plane headed to Ohio with my boss when he turned to me and said, "Would you be my cornhole partner?"
    I was like, "Whuck?

  19. Around here, we call it Baggo.

    Still loads of fun, but doesn't sound so porny




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