Saturday, October 30, 2010

So You Just Had A Vasectomy!

A couple of weeks ago, a mutual friend of ours had a vasectomy. And because I am stupid and immature, I immediately began mentally composing jokes about his junk.  Fortunately, he thought they were funny, too and did not roundhouse kick me in the face like Chuck Norris (as I very well deserved).  So with his permission, I have created this missive for any and all to share with anyone who has had a vasectomy.  And especially for those who've been recently snipped.

Here are some things you might not want to say unless you’re sure the pain medication has not yet worn off:
  • “Good morning! I hear your huevos got soft-boiled!”
  • “So your balls are now safe for scrimmage?”
  • “I hear you’re just brewing decaf now…”
  • “Does it still count as elective surgery is your wife is the one who elected it?”
  • “Hey dude! How’s your satchel?”
  • “You totally pickled your onions.”
  • “How would you describe the experience? Unique or eunuch?”
  • “How did it go? I hope they didn’t bruise the produce.”
  • "Did they pierce it while they were down there?"
  • “I brought you this book to read while you recover. It’s by Balzac.”
  •  “Damn… You got a v-job”

Or you could play him this song (originally from Family Guy - which is Kate's favorite show) --

If you’re on Twitter – you can add your two cents under #justhadavasectomy

(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2010


  1. Can't wait for Hubby to get in from work, He will like this post, we make fun of his brother in law for wanting a vasectomy...this is like loading the arsenal before going over there.

  2. "The Man" just took himself out of the gene pool a few months back too and oh yeah, we got the jokes to go with it too! The best part of the whole thing was this time I was the one holding his ankles saying stupid crap like "it's not too bad" or "is that thing still going to work" or "so doc, how long before he's good to go again". In fact, the dr. even offered to let me help. He told me, 'well, you saw how I did the first one, you can do the second one I will only charge you half price'....I was tempted. Plus the vallum was doing it's job and my hubby said with a slur 'well, she is a quilter and really good with scissors and a needle...go ahead and let her, after all if she messes up she will be the one to suffer'! It was a fun day...

  3. Lol. Did you know, the rate of vasectomy operations goes up right before/during Basketball's Playoff season? (It's true! Look it up!) I mean, they're supposed to sit on their butts and take it easy for a few days... may as well watch Playoffs! Too bad our major stuff usually has a needy little slug to take care of at the end (and I don't mean the hubby!) It'd be nice to schedule childbirth around an ANTM marathon or something....

  4. My husband is just recovering from his vasectomy and he has NO sense of humor about it. Yeah, he's still in pain ("It feels like I have been kicked in the nuts every day for a week!"), so I've been trying to be nice to him. It's just hard because I had two c-sections and still managed to move around and get stuff done; he's just a bump on a log right now! Oy!

  5. Our kids were 5 and 2 when hubby had the big V and the funniest thing was just watching our 2 year old daughter telling everyone she saw that we had to be careful around daddy because of his "Man Pain"

  6. Had my hubby snipped after my second and last child. He had to go two separate times because after the doc snipped the first side, he couldn't get the second side to come down enough to snip it. He actually said "It seems your left testicle has retreated near your kidney". Had to schedule general anesthetic and hospital time for the second one. He recovered well, and takes his teasing well in stride, cause now I'm not on any crazy making birth control nor am I suffering from the horrible side effects of a tubal. We've heard all about shooting blanks and having unleaded in the tank and let's see, what else.......franks with no beans, I'm sure there are more but my brain is tired.

    I figure each time we've heard "Haven't you had that baby yet?" is good for at least a dozen 'no soldiers in the army' crack.

  7. when my hubby had his vasectomy, he was of course, a huge baby about the whole thing. He kept crying about how his balls felt like "two huge grapefruits". I finally told him to get off the couch and stop being such a lazy sack. Then I laughed hysterically. He did not enjoy that one. I did. For my friend's husband, when he endured the snip, I brought them dinner the first night. What else? Spaghetti and meatballs.

  8. Here's another one for you. At my house "we"/I lovingly refer to it as "sending my hubby to the Vet", which we haven't done yet but I threaten him with it every time he gets delusional & asks about trying for a son (we have 3 girls so obviously "the boys" aren't workin their full potential anyway). Karen

  9. The snip was my husbands idea!
    We were both so excited on the occasion that we took an add out in the paper announcing the "arrival" of "Noemore Babies" and kept a copy of the paper of that day, like we did our children! Well it is a life altering decision, why not keep some mementos of the event!

  10. Yay, we're making... mmm I'm making the appointment for my hubs this week... this will be good amo to have:):)

  11. I loved our V doctor. His mission statement is "making men non-productive members of society". He was hilarious!

  12. Just discovered your blog on Friday night - after "one of those days". Spent about six hours reading, laughing and crying. Began to suspect that the mother of all PMS weeks may not be PMS after all. Peed on a stick and sure enough, the damn thing nearly exploded it turned positive so fast. I have a 22 month old and a 6 month old and I swear we used a condom. We will be making good friends with a V doctor near us very soon. :P

    Oh dear God...

    THANKS for the laughs and keep em coming. I'm gonna need them.

  13. When hubby had his done, they actually made us sit through a video made in the 70's giving all the reasons to get a vasectomy rather than a tubal (really? 'cause the fact that we're in a urologists office instead of the gyno should tip you off to which way we're heading), how it doesn't make him any less of a man, and then proceeded to show in painstaking detail all the prep necessary, and what is needed for recovery. I thought we had suddenly switched to medical porn.

    Even better still was the ice pack the nurses gave us for the ride home - they made it in a rubber glove. Hubs is sitting in the passenger seat with a frozen hand on his crotch. Was it mean that I giggled about that for weeks?

  14. This totally made me LOL a few times! LOVED it!!

    Marni's Organized Mess is on Facebook now!

  15. DH got his snip on 1.5 years ago and we did the research and found that there is a very painless way to go about it. It was so painless, that he ran 2 miles the next day. It's non-scalpel and I would suggest every man who is interested should check this out.

    And I sent him all the comments above - wish I was armed with those on the ride home!

  16. The best "v" doctor in these parts (oops, Freudian slip there) is named Dr. Concepcion. I think HE'S heard ALL the jokes.

  17. I know I'm commenting on a post that's 2 years old, but I have to say that I can totally beat your Dr Concepcion. There's a urologist in Austin, Texas named (waitforit...)

    Dick Chopp

    With a name like that, what else could you do for a living?




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