Friday, April 11, 2014

Top Ten Things I'm Ashamed to Admit

I'm sorry for not writing anything for a while. The deal is that my husband has been out of town, I've been taking allergy medication (which puts me back in The Blur and makes me super loopy) and I've been to the pediatrician like 6 times in 4 weeks because of a slew of random stuff. I was going to write a post about being on allergy medication and having sick kids but then 30 minutes later I realized I was staring at a squirrel in my yard and had only typed one word. That word was "salsa" (because I love it and I was hungry).

Then it occurred to me that I'd written about being on allergy meds before (in October 2010). So here it is:
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Everyone in my house has been sick lately, including me. It makes everything impossible. Taking care of everybody and keeping all the trains running on time is hard enough without factoring in that no one is sleeping and everyone is on some kind of medication that only effectively breaks up mucous by turning you into a slack-jawed imbecile who is distracted by shiny things and unable to operate large machinery.

These are ten things I reluctantly admit doing while under the influence of anti-histamines.

10. I watched an entire episode of the Full House. And I sort of liked it.

9. I let my toddler deconstruct an unopened box of tampons so that I could have fifteen minutes of peace and quiet. It may have been the happiest she has ever been.


8. I accidentally wiped one of my kid’s bottoms with a Lysol wipe. I only realized what I was doing when my husband walked by the bathroom and asked if I was going to wipe down the toilet after I finished wiping down the kid.

7. I got into a heated dispute with a bunch of seven year olds about some random Phineas and Ferb trivia. Maybe I shouldn’t have gotten in that kid’s face but he was totally wrong.

6. I was so tired last night after bath-time that when I noticed my five year old putting back on his Spiderman underpants for the third day in a row, I was like: “Oh well, I can’t smell them from here. Good night son.”

5. The load of laundry currently in the washer took up residence there four days ago. It’s currently being washed for the fourth time.

4. The two enormous trees in my front yard have prematurely ejaculated and now all the kids who walk by my house refer to it as: “the one with ALL THOSE leaves”. Really? Well, get used to it, kids. We have seasonal allergies and croup – those leaves aren’t going anywhere.

3. I threw away my daughter’s filthy, nasty, too small, noisily SLAPPY pink flop flops and I may have told her that “we” lost them.

2. When I opened the door to the Big White Ford Tampon to drop my kids off at school, they tumbled out followed by three empty bottles of VitaminWater, a snack bag of goldfish, some McDonald’s napkins which took flight and floated up into the playground trees – where they still are - and the piece de resistance, a set of pool toys from Labor Day weekend. I gave myself a righteous sniff and then peeled out of the parking lot.

1. This morning, I took the big kids to church and left the still recovering baby at home with her daddy. As I was walking out the door, I noticed that she was standing by the training potty, bare naked and covered in her own excrement. I said sweetly: “Honey! The baby’s in the bathroom!” and walked right out the front door.

(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2010

48 comments:

  1. You're in good company on #5 and #2...and I do those on healthy days...

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  2. Haha, I want to know what the Phineas and Ferb dispute was about. I adore that show, and I probably have seen it way too much.

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  3. Don't be ashamed. I've battled kids over Star WArs trivia for years (little punks know nothing about Chewie's home planet). I have sacrificed the box of tampons for a little alone time, too. And I may be a MOS and drive a Civic but I'll bet the amount of crap in my backseat could rival the BWT. Right now a giant Elmo and two other "babies" are burrowing in the backseat's filth because our almost 4 year old put them in timeout. A MONTH AGO. I've lost all control.
    And I'm not even on zombie drugs.

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  4. seriously, lydia, thank you for being awesome.

    because you have the guts to admit that this parenting thing is hard and we all do things we aren't proud of that we are sure NO ONE ELSE HAS EVER DONE...but in reality, spit happens. except for no one TALKS about it.

    thanks for talking about it.

    you make me feel normal. and that is a beautiful thing.

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  5. I LOVE that someone else's laundry gets washed, the re-washed then washed again. And again. =D

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  6. I rewash laundry on a regular basis when I'm not even sick. I've also been known to put soap in the washer and turn it on and then go off to gather dirty laundry. And then realize two hours later realize that I never actually put the clothes in the washer.

    And I can guarantee I've walked out leaving my husband to to deal with a poop-covered child.

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  7. Oh I love you. I am soooooo glad, I just can't tell you, I mean, I'm literally so relieved that I'm dizzy, that I am not the only person in the world who has to wash a load of clothes 3 or even 5 times before I can put two brain cells together to remember to put them in the dryer.

    I have let my kids demolish a box of tissues while I just watched in a dazed stupor.

    I spit my coffee over the prematurely ejaculating tree. I'm gonna use that soon. Unfortunately, the trees in our yard wait until it snows to blow their wad. I don't know why.

    I make my kids get out of my van on the same side, because if I open both doors and the wind blows? I'll never be able to go to school again.

    Feel better soon, Lydia.

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  8. I love you Lydia.

    Seriously, what was the Phineas and Ferb argument about? We need more details!

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  9. I'm feeling fine and so are my kids. I have NO excuse, but most of that happens fairly regularly... Yesterday my 4 year old ate her homework. It's "D"week at preschool, I was running late (which I really don't do) so we went to the grocery for a donut to take to class because for the life of me I couldn't think of ANYTHING ELSE that started with the letter "D". I should eat breakfast... Anywho, she ate it before she could share it with the class. So today, I get to buy a box of them for the class. I'm sure I'll be popular with the other moms. ;) They're stuck with me though, I'm class parent...

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  10. If I had a dollar for every load of laundry I re-washed I could hire my own Laundry Fairy.

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  11. I love this!! Totally made my morning!! My favorite part is the prematurely ejaculating trees - you are brilliant! xoxo

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  12. My clothes are always squeaky clean like that...you know, they gotta be CLEAN after going through the wash three times ;) Although sacrificing the tampons is costly, don't those boxes run about 10 bucks?? Eh. But it's worth it ;)

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  13. I have a weird chest cold right now. It's bad and I am on drugs that while wiping out the cold send you to the bathroom every 9 minutes. The doctor put me on these agressive drugs so that I would get better faster because I have a very busy child. In addition to keeping me in the bathroom I am also knocked on my ass. Last week my husband was in charge of cooking. We ate pizza, chicken fingers and McDonalds all week. Which only added to my intestinal troubles. I feel your pain. I really do.

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  14. i chucked my daughter's favorite nasty smelly slappy tinkerbell flip flops in the garbage weeks ago. luckily, she's only 2 so while she always notices when they're there (and never fails to put them on) she also failed to notice when they were just *poof* gone.

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  15. #1 IS GREAT! Well actually they all are, but #1 is the equivalent to my horrible thing I did to my hubby. When we found out I was pregnant again I fibbed and said the smell of my son's diapers made me queasy, my husband felt sorry for me and I didn't change a diaper for 3 months!! It was bliss!

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    Replies
    1. I wasn't lying, and it worked whenever he was home the whole 9+ months.

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  16. Um yeah, I like to pretend that clothes aren't really clean until they've been washed at least three times. The worst is always when you pass the laundry room, think "What's that smell?", silently judge yourself for letting the clothes mildew a bit, then turn the warm water cycle on and repeat.

    Hang in there, friend!

    (oh, and PS? My son totally went through about seven tampons thinking they were something exciting. He kept biting the packages open. Whatever. He was quiet. And he didn't swallow much of the plastic baggy wrap.)

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  17. Thank you for making me aware I am not alone in the world... I laughed so hard I almost peed in my pants!!

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  18. Thing is, I KNOW you're not sharing the REALLY funny stuff (and not-so-funny).. none of us are! But we're all living it, and take comfort in the fact we're not alone in any of the chaos. Nor have we ever been -- my husband used maxi pads for hospital beds for his GI Joe dolls back in the day. All over the front yard. Mom-in-law still recovering!
    http://returntoworkmom.blogspot.com/

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  19. 2 things- I also let my toddler deconstruct a box of tampons while I was sick last week. My husband asked what had happened in the bathroom and I said I needed 10 minutes of me time.

    Last night's Jeopardy asked a question about what an aglet was. I proudly beat my husband to the answer- the end of a shoelace. But the only reason I knew the answer was because of a recent episode of Phineas and Ferb. Sigh. I was so proud and so ashamed all at the same time.

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  20. I laughed out loud at number 8, and it takes a lot to do that. I'm thinking using the lysol wipes might eliminate (excuse the pun)the need for regular wipes and go straight to the source.

    Love the laundry issues, have them myself as I rewash clothes regularly with one added issue. I have a clothesline that is like fifty yards long or something, put three loads of sheets and towels there yesterday. They're still there today. Would it be gross if I let them redry in the sun today and use them?

    If I had a nickle for every time something flew out of my car, in public, I'd have a lot of nickles!

    I love everything about this post.
    Amen

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  21. I will never judge a mommy for having a filthy car, I once found a piece of pizza with two bites taken out of it under the covers in my bed!

    WHAT IS IT WITH KIDS THINKING TAMPONS ARE AWESOME??
    Worse than the tampons, my three year old son and my roommate's five year old daughter found MY toy rubber duckie in my drawer.... (it was clean) When I saw it in her hand I just said, "I'm taking this" and she was like, "Wait wait! I wanna tell you something about this duck- It Vibrates!!!"

    Luckily her mom is awesome and we had a good laugh over it.

    <3

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    Replies
    1. my family is wondering why I'm dying laughing...not sure I can share this one with the hubs, as my m-i-l is here, but that's awe(some/ful)!

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  22. I love Love LOVE that I can cop to most of this. WITHOUT the excuse of being sick. ROCK ON, Lydia!

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  23. OMG I LOVE number 1!!!! I totally did this to my husband last week (only with a dirty diaper) and I laughed all the way to work. Passive aggressive? Yes. But totally worth it :-)

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  24. 15 minutes of peace for only the price of a box of tampons? And it made MMM super happy. Those are tampons well spent.

    Feel better.

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  25. Oh thank goodness I am not the only one re-washing laundry several times. My husband gets irritated over it, and I do try, but with everything else...eh.. I need an appliance that washes and dries. Then I just have to remember to fold it and put it away...oh wait, I don't remember that ever either.

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  26. I'm not a mommy who struggles with, "I can't admit I'm loosing it because I'm the only one who goes through this". I know I'm not alone because I read your blog and share it often.

    And I'm not ashamed to admit that in my previous life as a middle school math teacher I gained the respect of many a kid with my P&F knowledge and I've watched Jonas clear headed and kind of liked it.

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  27. this was so awesome, and so true. Never wipes a child with a Lysol wipe but everything else... you betcha

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  28. First off you are not alone, I too have sat down and watched Jonas brothers...and actually liked it. My husband just shakes his head! I have also let my baby play with the box of tampons...at least I was able to get a shower in that way! And #5 and #2 I would have to admit I've done as well! You are awesome! Thanks for admitting stuff that you are ashamed to admit. Truth is, we all have our own list of them and yet we put on the act as if we are the perfect mom! Thanks for letting us feel like we are normal...you're the best!

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  29. Ladies. Leaving the husband to deal with the poopy baby? That's called JUSTICE. Plain and simple. I threaten to start keeping count of times I've handled poopy diapers/screaming kids/middle of the night calls for water, etc. versus the times he's done it. He is wise enough to shut up right then and there.

    Live it. Love it.

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  30. LOL I know many times that we had a poop accident in the house where I suddenly had to run off to the grocery store.

    I also am now in the phase where I love watching wonder pets with the girls.. haven't gotten to the tween shows yet.

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  31. I hear #5 going in my laundry room right now...

    I love you Lydia!!!

    I'll add one of my own to your list...my son went to pre-school today in clown feet (his shoes this morning were 2 sizes too big--grabbed the wrong ones) and I didn't have time to do anything about it before class started so off he went...it looked like he was wearing swim fins---and walked like that too...

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  32. -After reading #1, I think you're my new mentor.

    -"We" often throw out or lose undesirable item S(undesirable to me, that is). Other times I tell my oldest, "I think that's gone, honey." *enigmatic shoulder shrug*

    And, I love the name Lydia.

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  33. I thought I was the only person in the world that had done #5 ... I feel better now :)

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  34. I just had one of those mornings: woken up at 5:30am by a yowling cat who wanted to be let outside (and I'd ignore him except that he plants himself outside the kids rooms to yowl and I don't need them up any earlier than they're going to wake up without feline assistance). So stumbling out to the living room to let the cat out I also stumbled upon the results of some supreme stupidity on my part. I'd left a garbage bag full of used diapers in a dog-accessible place last night (forgot to take it out to the garbage can) and he'd "eaten" about 5 of the "fully loaded" variety. Can we say bits of "sh*tty" diaper liner all down the hall and across the living room over our recently steam-cleaned carpets? I did my best to clean up the mess, but I'm kicking myself for my stupidity and feeling squicked out walking around the house. Do carpet cleaners make emergency house calls? At 6am?

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  35. Seriously I am holding out for your sitcom. I love your very visual descriptions!

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  36. "When I opened the door to the Big White Ford Tampon to drop my kids off at school, they tumbled out followed by three empty bottles of VitaminWater, a snack bag of goldfish, some McDonald’s napkins which took flight and floated up into the playground trees – where they still are - and the piece de resistance, a set of pool toys from Labor Day weekend. I gave myself a righteous sniff and then peeled out of the parking lot."

    Me too..... me too.....

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  37. I really need to stop reading your posts at work. I can't laugh out loud without disturbing my cube-mate (and letting everyone know I'm not working) but I can't not laugh either. Awesomeness! :)

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  38. Lydia... You rock my socks. Thank you for validating my crazy.

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  39. A box of bandaids also works - and cheaper

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  40. I love this... and I'm not even a parent. It's good to see some humor in the world of parenting.

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  41. My daughter had a nasty fever yesterday, completely lost her appetite, and is still picky today. Which means I have two lots if fruit salad on the floor of my car.
    And they're staying there until daycare day.

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