Friday, April 11, 2014

Top Ten Things I'm Ashamed to Admit

I'm sorry for not writing anything for a while. The deal is that my husband has been out of town, I've been taking allergy medication (which puts me back in The Blur and makes me super loopy) and I've been to the pediatrician like 6 times in 4 weeks because of a slew of random stuff. I was going to write a post about being on allergy medication and having sick kids but then 30 minutes later I realized I was staring at a squirrel in my yard and had only typed one word. That word was "salsa" (because I love it and I was hungry).

Then it occurred to me that I'd written about being on allergy meds before (in October 2010). So here it is:

Everyone in my house has been sick lately, including me. It makes everything impossible. Taking care of everybody and keeping all the trains running on time is hard enough without factoring in that no one is sleeping and everyone is on some kind of medication that only effectively breaks up mucous by turning you into a slack-jawed imbecile who is distracted by shiny things and unable to operate large machinery.

These are ten things I reluctantly admit doing while under the influence of anti-histamines.

10. I watched an entire episode of the Full House. And I sort of liked it.

9. I let my toddler deconstruct an unopened box of tampons so that I could have fifteen minutes of peace and quiet. It may have been the happiest she has ever been.

8. I accidentally wiped one of my kid’s bottoms with a Lysol wipe. I only realized what I was doing when my husband walked by the bathroom and asked if I was going to wipe down the toilet after I finished wiping down the kid.

7. I got into a heated dispute with a bunch of seven year olds about some random Phineas and Ferb trivia. Maybe I shouldn’t have gotten in that kid’s face but he was totally wrong.

6. I was so tired last night after bath-time that when I noticed my five year old putting back on his Spiderman underpants for the third day in a row, I was like: “Oh well, I can’t smell them from here. Good night son.”

5. The load of laundry currently in the washer took up residence there four days ago. It’s currently being washed for the fourth time.

4. The two enormous trees in my front yard have prematurely ejaculated and now all the kids who walk by my house refer to it as: “the one with ALL THOSE leaves”. Really? Well, get used to it, kids. We have seasonal allergies and croup – those leaves aren’t going anywhere.

3. I threw away my daughter’s filthy, nasty, too small, noisily SLAPPY pink flop flops and I may have told her that “we” lost them.

2. When I opened the door to the Big White Ford Tampon to drop my kids off at school, they tumbled out followed by three empty bottles of VitaminWater, a snack bag of goldfish, some McDonald’s napkins which took flight and floated up into the playground trees – where they still are - and the piece de resistance, a set of pool toys from Labor Day weekend. I gave myself a righteous sniff and then peeled out of the parking lot.

1. This morning, I took the big kids to church and left the still recovering baby at home with her daddy. As I was walking out the door, I noticed that she was standing by the training potty, bare naked and covered in her own excrement. I said sweetly: “Honey! The baby’s in the bathroom!” and walked right out the front door.

(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2010

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