The next day something really important happened (I forget now what it was but it was totally of great consequence) so I sort of had to call Kate while I was driving. OH I REMEMBER NOW! It was about how I went to TJ Maxx and I was going to buy her a mug except it wasn’t there anymore and the line was really, really long and it was a total waste of time.
See? Important.
I had face dialed. With my stupid fat face. AGAIN.
Instead of calmly saying something like: “Sorry honey! Accidentally called you! Love you! Bye!” I start frantically trying to get the phone to hang up on him and not Kate. Except I’m also driving so I’m trying not to wreck and wildly stabbing the touchscreen on my stupid phone. And the whole time I’m squealing: “SH*T! Sh*t! Sh*tty! Sh*T!” And the baby starts squealing: “SH*T! Sh*t! Sh*tty! Sh*T!” and then the phone goes dead.
Sigh… Two seconds later the phone rings.
Cap’n: Hi.
Lydia: (sadly) Hi.
Cap’n: Did you just accidentally call me with your face again?
Lydia: (dejectedly) Yes.
Cap’n: Are you driving?
Lydia: (hangs head) Yes.
Cap’n: And was that my baby hollering “sh*t!” in the background?
Lydia: (shamefully whispers) Yes.
Cap’n: You’re awesome. See you tonight.
It’s all my phone’s fault. Stupid touchscreen. WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE SO SENSITIVE? Oh, who I am kidding?
(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2010
hahaha! I LOVE the distractions picture!! one of my first blog posts ever written was how I'm such a crummy distracted driver reaching around in the backseat to retrieve lost pacifiers!
ReplyDeleteHysterical! My children call bad drivers "you F*CKING Moron" because that is what me, there bad influence mommy says when people do bad driving....
ReplyDeleteThey even came up with a great gift for my birthday, a speaker outside of my car so I can tell the bad drivers how bad they are.
You are so me. I have that phone, and that problem and.... SHIT! The babys saying shit agian. *sigh*
ReplyDeleteThe Captain rocks.
ReplyDeleteUm, Lydia? I have never Face-Dialed.
ReplyDeleteOnly because I do not own a smartphone (which I am thinking is only as smart as the person holding it, therefore any phone I own would not be a smart phone, you know?), and my cell phone you actually have to push the little buttons.
Your post is another reason for me NOT to get a sensitive touch screen phone (and I do not need any more overly-sensitive people/things in my life right now, either). Because my fat face would face-dial every time I tried to use it.
So thank you for saving me from another parenting FAIL!
*muah* (or as Kate says... xoxo)
Todays WV: wersk (as in, "what's the wersk thing you can do as a mom behind the wheel?")
Oh. My. Goodness.
ReplyDeleteYou have me laughing so hard I started coughing! And my dog came over to see what was wrong with me (this time). PLEASE don't ever stop blogging!!!
It's all good. I want a bumper sticker of your first picture about the distractions - esp love the part of eating food Jillian would disapprove of.
btw, this is why I have an old school phone that has buttons. I justify talking on the phone as being like having an adult in the passenger seat that I'm talking to....right? :o)
Thanks for the rip roaring laugh!!!
Thanks for the laugh. We won't tell on you this time. ;-)
ReplyDeleteI just found this blog. I love you. LOOOOOVE. Marry you kinda love. I jsut laughed my face off in my cubicle trying to PRETEND I was hard at work. Excellent.
ReplyDeleteIt's illegal to drive and talk on the phone here, and I'm glad. It took it being illegal to really remind me to NEVER.PICK.UP.THE.PHONE while driving.
ReplyDeleteThat and the fact that it's so much easier to mock OTHER people for being idiotic enough to text and drive when you don't do it yourself.
I face dial/hang up all.the.time! It's SO annoying. You are hilarious!
ReplyDelete"Cap’n: And was that my baby hollering “sh*t!” in the background?
ReplyDeleteLydia: (shamefully whispers) Yes.
Cap’n: You’re awesome. See you tonight."
Awesome response from the Cap'n!
I <3 your blog - Thank you!
This is my life! I am constantly on the phone... For work of course.. And I try really hard to not be on the phone when the kids are in the car. So then I will be thinking about all the crap that I need to do either for work, or my second graders brownie thing, or soccer or that birhday party or that meeting I have to go to... And break the silencd and out of no where i'll blurt out "crap" and my 3 yr old will say- "what's wrong mommy, why you say crap?" and then I sometime just can't help but chuckle at my pathetic attempt to keep it together.
ReplyDeleteI think I just dies trying not to laugh. Awesome ^.^
ReplyDeleteExcept I just hang up on Very Important Calls with my cheekbone. Like seriously, talking to the lady with power over my financial aid and therefore the power to stall or dead end my educational future? Baby cries, go to pick her up, my right cheekbone hang up on the school chick. Thankfully she called back because she'd heard the baby hollering and assumed it was accidental.
Omg I have done the same thing! Unfortunately my husband and I have failed as parents when it comes to swearing to the point my daughter looked at me one day and said "moma sh*t!" Sure enough she had a poo filled diaper (she was about 2 at the time)
ReplyDeleteBahahaha! Yep. I'm always saying, "damn touch phone!" Calling people, going to apps I don't want to use, hanging up on people....
ReplyDeleteI used to always say "damnit" when I'd drop something...until one weekend my (then) 3 year old went to visit her grandparents. When we went to pick her up, her grandma told me that my daughter dropped something & said "damnit." I hung my head down & shamefully admitted that it was my fault. Since then I've been working on my potty mouth. At least when the little ones are around.
Oh my. Have you not had enough of Opera's "No Phone Zone" shoved down your throats there? You are already suffering the wrath of Jillian, and now you're provoking Opera too? You.are.brave.
ReplyDeleteha! glad to know i am not the only one who does such things!
ReplyDeleteLOL!!! You are not alone. I was relieved when my son's first word was "dada" and not "effing @sshole!!"
ReplyDeleteDuh...Oprah...not Opera. Brain.not.function.good.
ReplyDeleteconversation with my 8 y/o son
ReplyDelete"mom- you know it's not safe to use the phone when you are driving - right??
me : "you know sweetie, you're right. i promise that i wont use my phone when you and your sister are in the car."
son: "when WE are in the car!! MOM i don't want you to EVER use the phone in the car!!"
lectured by the 8yo love of my life.
To avoid face dialing get a blue tooth ear piece Or the one that act as a speaker phone. Only problem withe the second type is that everyone in the car can hear boths side of the conversation. I've lived on either a "hands-free" military base or a "hands-free" state for the past 6 years so I'm used to it. Still not as safe as not talking on the phone, though. In any case, thanks for the laugh because I pocket dial my husband all.the.time.
ReplyDeletemy backflip is famous for this... I decided when I got it to consciously put it back to the homescreen at ALL times... especially when I have my mommy-mental-health fridays and go to visit my bffl for the night... last thing I need is my mother hearing the whacktacular stories we tell.
ReplyDeleteI've always said the 16 year old boy with the new car is not the driver you have to be afraid of. It's the Mom in the minivan you should be terrified of. With all the other things usually going on in my car, driving gets the least of my attention. That's exactly why I drive a van with airbags all the way around it.
ReplyDelete*sigh* I will now try to be more careful.
The other day I was yelling at some crappy driver, calling him a goddamn a$$hole and my 4 1/2 year old responses, "That's not a hole!".
ReplyDeleteBelieve me, my parenting fails are as large as yours all.the.time.
My son says I'm the nicest mad driver because I always tell people 'C'mon *Honey* drive that thing like it has a motor!, and 'move that rig *Precious*! I found alternatives to saying mean things..I just say ultra-sweet things in nice tones. My hubby laughs at me and my m-i-l complemented on it. (Oh, also I drive a school bus and it would be a MAJOR parenting fail to teach other people's kids bad words)
ReplyDeleteOh, AND if my text msgs are rated g or pg, I will let my son send the reply text back. Helps him learn to spell and his skinny fingers are perfect for that keyboard. This way I am not texting and driving. If I can't let him read/type the msg then I wait until I can get somewhere safe to stop and type.
ReplyDeleteShit shit shitty shit you are way funnier than me. Great. Now I have to go vote for your blog instead of my own AND wash my mouth out with soap. F my life. Truly, this was full of funny. Damn you and your super funny powers!! ;)
ReplyDeleteMy face randomly hits the mute and end call buttons. It's going to cause me to throw the phone out of the window one of these days. And with my luck, it'll fly into someone else's car and make them wreck and die and I will go to jail.
ReplyDeleteTouch screens are awesome. Not. :)
Here in New Zealand it is now illegal to talk or text while driving (unless you've got a hands free kit) for just that reason, it causes far too many preventable deaths.
ReplyDeletehttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3iqCcMDByLA
Face dialing is great! i'd like to add to the list of dangerous things to do...I make lists while I'm driving - so sad I know! i'm trying hard not to text/talk while driving but then I can't remember anything with my damn pregnant brain so I HAVE to write it down! Sigh...
ReplyDeleteSeriously I love your posts - they make me laugh - and boy these days I need it. They are so real. I have often told my kids the greatest distraction is them..
ReplyDeleteI heard this one day from a friend (probably just an urban legend):
Woman was speeding down the highway and when the police officer pulled him over he asked "Ma am, where are you going in such a hurry?"
to which the Woman (probably some harried mom) replies "I'm just trying to get away from them." And she points to her little "darlings" in the back seat....
OK, first you need to watch this:
ReplyDeletehttp://www.youtube.com/user/WhatYouOughtToKnow#p/u/2/6q0lsNOGVa0
Then of course you will end up watching all the other videos these guys have done, and be found in the morning, asleep at your desk wearing a pair of Depends and with a dripping screen and red nose from all the coffee you've snorted.
You're welcome.
This is a hilarious story. Did you know that where I live (BC, Canada) it was recently made illegal to use your phone while you are driving? You have to have a handsfree thingy in order to talk and drive. I think it's the texters who ruined it for everyone, trying to send their friends badly spelled messages while driving with their feet.
ReplyDelete