Friday, November 5, 2010

Five More Questions for My Children

I have a few more questions for my beloved, wonderful children. I love them so much but sometimes they really, really confuse me and make my brain hurt.

The Royal Flush
It’s not hard to flush. What happens in your brains from the age of two to the age of five? One moment you’re little and you stand next to the toilet flushing the thing again and again and again, often with totally inappropriate things in it. Like Legos or daddy’s cellphone. You flush that potty like it’s your damn job. The next minute you're a big kid and you take a pooper that rivals something a longshoreman could produce after eating at Golden Corral.  And you just leave it there. Why? Are you proud of it? Do you want a gold star for it?  Or are you suddenly allergic to the toilet handle? Why do you act like a couple of unimpressed German teenagers: “Yawn. I am so over flushing the potty.”

The Toys in the Hall
Why is it that the only toys that end up in the hallway outside your bedroom are ones that seem placed there to cause me serious physical injury? When I discover their presence at 3 am in the dark, a matchbox car or Barbie shoe either punctures my foot or leads to the type of fall where I end up with a broken hip and one of those Medic-Alert necklaces that allows seniors to live independently. The most recent culprit was from a Happy Meal. It was a miniature Star Wars skateboard. My kids (and every other kid I know) thought they were coolest things ever. I have no idea why. I think they may have been designed by Ronald McDonald and Al Qaeda because they’re clearly meant for one purpose and that’s to kill parents who accidentally step on them in the dark.


Your Big Kid Bed
What happens to your sheets while you sleep? You are tucked into a neat and tidy bed every night. When I check on you in the morning, it looks like an alligator has gotten in there and spun a thousand death rolls with your sheets and blankets. The fitted sheet has popped off all the corners. The stuffed animals are thrown around the room. The blankets are wadded up in the corner. Whuck happens to you?

The Pitter Patter of Your Feet
Why is that all kids’ feet seem to come in only two varieties: freezing cold or damp 'n' clammy? It’s like your feet either come from the ice box or Gollum’s cave. When my son’s feet hit any surface, they make a clammy sound like SLAPPY SLAPPY SLAPPY. When he puts his feet on me (which he does all the time -- I have no idea why) I am scared they’re going to stick to me and need to be peeled off like uncooked bacon.

Toothpaste is For Teeth, Right?
Why does toothpaste seem to get the best of you every single time? Is toothpaste your nemesis? Why does it end up everywhere except the one place that it’s supposed to be? In the past week, I have found toothpaste smeared on my refrigerator, in streaks on my sofa’s throw pillow, in your hair, on my shoulder and all over one of my potholders. I’m not a forensics expert or anything, but I wonder why something like toothpaste is such a ubiquitous, sticky, minty fresh presence in our home? And why is it never, ever found on your toothbrushes or teeth?

Thank you. That's all the questions I have... for now.

(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2010

43 comments:

  1. Amen!(x5)Every single thing on that list applies to my 7 and 9 year old boys. Especially the non-flushing toilet problems. It's even worse b/c often I find a toilet full of you-know-what, but not a scrap of toilet paper.

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  2. thanks! ...i think i just peed

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  3. Bahaahaha....at least I know it's not just mine. My 7yr NEVER flushes and their sheets always look like that in the morning. Mine would be: Why does the smell of clean sheets make you wet the bed at night? I go through cycles where I'll have to wash them every night for a week then it suddenly stops and starts up again a few weeks later. WHUCK?

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  4. Can I add to that, what is so wrong with your own bed? You chose the bed. You chose the duvet cover. You told me you loved it. And yet, every morning I wake up and here you are, with your knees pressed up against my kidneys and clutching a fistful of my hair.

    Love the blog.

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  5. OMG, are you ME?! These are my issues exactly! Although I could never in a million years describe them as hilariously as you do ;)

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  6. YES! The g-damn toothpaste. Must go clean now.

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  7. OMG! I have those same questions for my son, but it doesn't get any better at age 16!

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  8. You finally teach them to flush the toilet, close the front door behind them and to chew with their mouths closed. Then they go to school and all the good stuff you taught them gets shoved out of their brains to make room for bad words.

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  9. The toilet? gaaag. Only my son is 3 1/2 and newly potty trained and so.damn.proud of his, ah *accomplishments* that he often doesn't want to flush them into never never land. The other night he inspected his deposit, declared,"it looks like Jesus on the cross' and demanded to leave it for daddy. After I decided he had not committed a cardinal sin, I flushed when he wasn't looking.

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  10. I spit coffee all over my computer laughing so hard. I should know better than to attempt to drink and read this blog.....hopefully it will help get the toothpaste off the keyboard...the space bar is a bit more blue and sticky this morning.

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  11. My two girls need to see this blog! They are 22 and 21 and I still have these questions...hilarious...

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  12. OMG! Those freaking Star Wars skateboards!! Like Yoda or Darth Vader ever needed a skateboard anyway!

    And the bed, I mean, seriously? What happens in that bed?

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  13. I am LITERALLY crying laughing here. This is one of your best posts evah. Although I notice I find myself saying that every day.

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  14. Oh. Em. GEE. LMAO!

    I thought you were spot on with your last questions, but today I actually read your latest questions out loud to my husband because absolutely everything described our house and children.

    We are convinced Lydia is actually one of those "Elf on a Shelf" things. She must be sitting on a shelf somewhere in our home, just watching, with one of Kate's sharpies handy. How does she know everything? It's creepy, I tell you...

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  15. I am so with you on this! My 5 year old within the past 6 months does not flush anymore and doesn't want to wash his hands...I dont get it, he was doing just fine and then poof he stopped. When I remind him to flush and wash his hands, he replies "oh sorry, I didn't know". He will justify not washing his hands by saying "I didnt touch anything". Love your Blog!!

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  16. You are so right on with every one!!! Would just add to the bathroom one, why are the towels always on the floor!!!

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  17. I think my girls believe that toothpaste helps clean the sink. At least that's what happens when I have to chisel off the giant glob that is left for me every morning. And I have to add.. how is it that you only use toilet paper for decoration? When I'm forced to go into that nasty bathroom to flush the toilet, there IS NO PAPER! Did we get a bidet?

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  18. I need carpets the color of dirt, furniture the color of foot grime and towels the color of toothpaste. You are not alone, Lydia.

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  19. Oh those little skateboards! My stepson has them. WHAT is the attraction? I don't get it. Do they just like them because the fact that they are all over my house sends me into hysterics?

    And, eww, raw bacon feet, eww.

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  20. *toothpaste. on my mascara wand, the wall, my lampshade, and the refrigerator door.
    *non-flushing toilets, no paper, towels gone AWOL.
    *killer skateboards at the top of the stairs.
    *stinky slimy smelly FEET. on. my. pillow. beside. my head.

    So far, this is my house exactly.

    The only difference: my kids would rather sleep on the floor or in the living room instead of in their rooms on their nice soft expensive mattresses with the designer bedding. So if I'm not stepping on toys in the middle of the night, I'm stepping on heads in the morning. Unless I'm waking up gagging wondering whuck that awful smell is....

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  21. Can I have a gold star for my poo? I'll flush it anyway. LOL. Great entry.

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  22. My 9 yo DD is sometimes AFRAID to flush her own poops because it's. so. big. Seriously- like a 40 yr old man was in there. Naaaaasty. So she leaves them for US to flush. Gee thanks- so thoughtful...

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  23. all i have to say is that i LOVE you guys! i have never NEVER laughed so hard before breakfast ever... i thought i was the only one with questions... man, i now know i am in great company. thanks for the therapy session and the laughs. keep them coming. :)

    maureen (your newest fan)

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  24. Angela (first comment) beat me to it...gross, gross, gross when I find a giant turd in the toilet and NO PAPER. My son is the culprit (most of the time, anyway...my daughters have been known not to flush, but usually do wipe)
    GAH. Who even does these things? Kids are so nasty.

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  25. Love the Elf on the Shelf comment! :-) My thoughts exactly! That reminds me.... I can start using that line now, since the death spiral has begun, right? "The Elf could show up ANY MINTUE...Are you sure you want to put your sister in a headlock?!"

    Lydia, your questions are SPOT ON, as usual. The tothpaste! I'm gonna start making my son brush his teeth naked, because I have to make him change his clothes every morning! That's WAAAY too much laundry pile up for this momma.

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  26. Well, I guess I see what is to come. Can't wait.

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  27. Thank God for Poise pads!!! Yep, I've had 3 kids & like them my bladder doesn't listen to me either. You ladies are awesome at helping me to laugh at the "joys of motherhood". But one question, how did you get a camera in my house? My personal favorites are finding toilet paper unrolled across the floor because they just didn't get it the first hundred times I showed them how to change it, and yes- toothpaste on THE WALL! How? Why? when I buy the bubble gum
    'flavor" so they'll use it but instead it's just more fun I guess to use it as finger paint instead. My sister jokes that when her kids move out she's going to do things like call them at 3am & eat Cheetos on their new sofa, my plan will be to visit & rub toothpaste on the wall & not flush the toilet. Sometimes it's the little things that get you thru the day. Thanks as always, Karen

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  28. WOW. I really needed a good laugh - on 5 hours of sleep, I'm going to need it. That and a pot of coffee. Thanks !

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  29. How many times have I had this conversation?!

    Me, observing Bowl of Pee: "Come back in here and flush the toilet."
    T, age 9: "I DID flush it."
    Me: "You did not, now come and do it."
    T: "I DID! I DID flush the toilet, I DID I DID I DID!! You don't believe me! Why don't you ever believe me!"
    Me: "The toilet bowl is full of pee. Come and flush it."
    T: "IT ISN'T MINE!"
    Me: "I haven't been in here because you shoved me aside to get to it first not five minutes ago, and your brother is in diapers, so whose is it?"
    T: "I don't know but it's not mine and I did flush the toilet and there's something shiny over there and hey where did you put my tiny skateboard and I'm completely distracted and will forget my backpack and coat when we leave!" (some of that is implied)
    B, age 2: *wanders in and flushes toilet six times, including twice while I'm using it*

    Mornings are fun!

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  30. SERIOUSLY...my 5 year old daughter doesn't flush OR wipe anymore because IT TAKES TOO MUCH TIME. So I had an in-depth conversation about keeping the woo woo clean and its importance....then my bathroom started having that nasty stale urine smell and after asking multi questions I find out that ITS SO MUCH QUICKER TO WIPE WITH THE SHOWER CURTAIN THAN WITH TOILET PAPER. SERIOUSLY....the shower curtain is quicker... WHUCK

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  31. Did you write this about my 7 year old son? Really! Right down to the stupid happy meal skateboard (that I kicked under the entertainment center 2 days ago). At least now I know he is normal. Well mostly.....

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  32. Ohhh I so needed to read this this morning!! I have pondered every single one of those things! In fact this morning as I was lying in bed, I heard sticky slappy feet coming down the hall approaching my bedroom and knew which kid it was by the level of sticky-slappiness. Thanks for the laugh!!!

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  33. And you know the thing of it? We can be reading this, thinking it's the funniest thing, snorting diet coke through the nose...and along comes hubby who wonders wtf? So I let him read it and after he just gives me this big blank look...

    Only moms get it so completely ;)

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  34. *wetting my pants laughing* all true! This morning one of my boys left the bathroom as I got there,and I said "are you gonna flush or is that decoration in there?"

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  35. I think I might like a non flusher better than a clogger.

    My daughter doesn't want to accidentally touch her butt so she uses the "mummified fist" technique, wrapping a third of a roll around her hand until it looks like a bees nest. Some days I go to the bathroom to find every toilet in the house clogged. I super duper hate plunging toilets, especially #2s, I always feel like I should shower after. If it actually overflows the bowl I WILL cry and need a Selfy Steam.

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  36. the same thing happens to the sheets and blankets on my HUSBAND'S side of the bed. I have no idea how, I'm there all night and witness nothing out of the ordinary. He also steals my pillow most nights, while he's sleeping.

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  37. Lydia, I am laughing so freaking hard! Tears! I am not only laughing at your blog this morning, but the many comments after! OMG All of you ladies are the best!!! I am NOT alone afterall! hahahahaha THANK YOU from the bottom of my unflushed toilet bowl.

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  38. Okay, thank you for validating me today. My boys are non-flushers (and, I suspect, non-wipers, too -- and my oldest THROWS HIS UNDERWEAR AWAY because I've lost my schmidt more than once over skidmarks).

    Apparently I am not alone. But what is going on that we are raising an entire generation of non-wipers/non-flushers?!

    (and the shower curtain? REALLY?! I think I'd rather just have the non-wiper...) ;)

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  39. Oh no, is this what is coming next? :) My daughter just reached the obsessive toilet flushing phase, which I still find hilarious... but when she threw one of her wooden blocks in this morning it wasn't so hilarious. Thanks for the post!

    Laura, 29Diapers.com

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  40. Tonight I found toothpaste all over the cat.

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  41. Tonight I found toothpaste all over the cat.

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  42. the feet thing- SO STINKIN' TRUE!!

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  43. I'm stealing the flush the toilet sign. I'm printing that sh*t out and taping it above the toilet AND next to the door!

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