Monday, December 6, 2010

The Gift of Awkwardness: SGW

THERE IS AN UPDATE TO THIS STORY -
SCROLL TO THE BOTTOM
Because apparently, awkwardness is the gift that keeps on giving.
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This post is so funny that I should issue some warnings: put down any beverages you're currently consuming because you might snort and if you have bladder control problems - brace yourself.  This is MommyShorts and she is awesome.

Just wait, you'll see...

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I'm going to say this as tactfully as possible. For two reasons — 1) My mother-in-law is nothing if not well-intentioned. And 2) She may have a google alert out on my name.

DISCLAIMER: If you are reading this and you are indeed my mother-in law— Congratulations! You are much more internet savvy than I ever imagined. Secondly, I love you very much and you have been wonderful to the baby. Specifically in the wardrobe department. The beautiful faux shearling jacket you bought for her is the sole reason why she was named "Best Dressed" at the playground this past fall. So thank you. Also. STOP READING NOW.

(Editor's note: The update has to do with the fact that her mother-in-law did in fact find and read the post. - furckitty furckwad.)

Here goes.

My mother-in-law did a very nice thing. She bought the baby a dress to wear to her first birthday party. She presented this dress to me at the beginning of Thanksgiving dinner in front of the entire family. It was done in BIG REVEAL FASHION. Big reveal fashion is standing at the head of the table, holding up a closed garment bag and then dramatically pulling back the plastic to reveal the dress on the hanger underneath while practically shouting YOU'RE WELCOME!

*silence*

My response was a pause so uncomfortable that the only thing that could have saved me was someone mistaking the beating of my heart for a knock at the front door.

But I needed a moment to TAKE THE DRESS IN.

Uhhhhh...

It is not horrible. In fact, it is totally appropriate for the occasion. That is, if before the birthday party, the baby will be making a quick detour to accept an Academy Award.

FROM THE QUEEN.

It is also totally appropriate if I've entered my baby in the Little Miss East Coast Pageantry Circuit and her last shot at taking home the crown is to kill it in the "Evening Wear" category.

Either way, once the pause reached it's awkwardness potential, I had no choice but to fawn over it as if it were the perfect celebratory attire.

Here's the party dress rundown:
  • The top of the dress is BLACK VELVET with cap sleeves. Fancy. But fine.
  • The bottom, however, balloons out into something so GOLD AND SPARKLY that I fear only leprechauns and Donald Trump can truly appreciate it.
  • Underneath the skirt you will find a layer of CRINOLINE. Crinoline is a word so absent from my life that I had to do a google search in order to figure out what it is called and how to spell it.
  • Also meant to be worn underneath the skirt: GOLD SILK PANTALOONS. I may be alone in this but I believe that the fancy undergarment trajectory begins in college and peaks with your wedding night and only then begins it's steady decline. If you peak with gold pantaloons before you even hit toddlerhood, you are headed for nothing but disappointment and a very large bill from La Perla.
  • And lastly, there is a fake DIAMOND BROOCH in the middle of the bow around the waist. A brooch so large I am pretty sure it has a tracking device alerting Elizabeth Taylor that it is missing from her jewelry box.

Put all the elements together and it looks like an outfit that only Teresa from the Housewives of New Jersey could love.

I should mention that my party is not on a Saturday night, it is on a Sunday at noon. It is not a five course meal with assorted dancing interludes, it is a rather low key pancake brunch. And it will not be taking place at The White House, it will be taking place at my apartment.

But my mother-in-law has bought the baby this dress. She presented it to me on Thanksgiving. In front of the entire family. And in a state of panic, I fawned over it. SO. The dress is what the baby will wear.

All I am left to do is pick out complimentary accessories.

 I'm thinking some Suri-esque heels, a tiara and a bedazzled sign that reads "This was a gift from Grandma".

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MOTHER-IN-LAW UPDATE! She found it.  She read it.  And it turns out she's awesome.  Mommy Shorts fills us in on the whole story right here

Also, we'd like to say to Mommy Short's mother-in-law that we think you're a total bad ass and we love you. We hope one day when we're in the M-I-L shoes, we turn out to be as cool as you are.

xo, Kate & Lydia
 
(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2010

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