Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Jillian Michaels: Jedi or Sith?

A couple of weeks ago, I asked for tips and suggestions on how to rev up my Jedi training efforts to decrease the size of my ass. We got great suggestions, including Jillian Michael’s “30 Day Shred”. So Kate and I did some research. The Shred is a DVD. You need do a 20 minute workout every day for thirty days. There are three levels of workouts. Level One is the easiest and when that doesn’t make you feel like throwing up anymore, you progress to Level Two and when you've basically lost the will to live you move to Level Three, which is super hard. The reviews said The Shred was difficult but were almost uniformly positive.

Neither of us has watched her on TV.  I asked Kate if she thought Jillian was good or evil.  She shrugged and suggested we find out together.  Then at the same time we said:

Kate: I can do pretty much any workout for 30 days.
Lydia: I'm pretty sure I can work out for 20 minutes a day.

We started last Tuesday and it’s been sort of a bumpy ride so far. Here are my notes:

Day Before Starting (Monday 11/8):
Gathered up all the required stuff (mat for sit-ups and hand weights). Not feeling very worky-outy as I have a rotten, stupid cold and I have to blow my schnoz every 30 seconds. I weighed myself and took my measurements. Apparently I am lopsided because my left side was consistently a half inch less fat than my right. This was a fact I feel I may have been better off not knowing.

Day One (Tuesday 11/9):
Did the workout as soon as the baby went down for her nap. These were my thoughts upon finishing my first shred: "Can’t. Breathe. What. The. Hell. Was. I. Thinking? I’m pretty sure it’s possible to die from this. How long will it take for them to discover my body? I need to get a medic alert necklace. How is it possible that was only 20 minutes? Did that woman do something to space/time continuum? Does she has a f*cking flux capacitor?"

Kate calls and tells me she didn’t think it was all that bad but she’s scared to switch to Level Two. Let’s just say for the record that I love her dearly but Kate is a smelly whore who runs six miles all the time like it’s no big deal. So once again I was forced to say “Suck it, Fancy” except this time I was sort of mean about it.

Day Two (Wednesday, 11/10):
Thighs on fire in the way that is bad. I had to hold the handrail when I go up and down stairs. When I attempted to go for my daily walk with my neighbor buds, every uphill step pushing the stroller was painful. Effing Jillian and her effing: “There is no adapted beginner move for this exercise! I have 400 pound clients that can do this and so can you! Come on!”

Woman. Your 400 pound clients are terrified because you’re right in front of them screaming. If I had you and your flaring nostrils of doom up in my face, I would do whatever you said for fear that you might lose it and go on a killing spree.

Day Three (Thursday 11/11):
The front of each of my thighs was in a perma-cramp. When I tried to sit on the potty, I fell the last three inches. Thank you, Jillian. My medic alert necklace should arrive any day. Now that I am officially unable to “self-toilet without falling” insurance may actually pay for it. I will say the Shred itself was markedly easier to do on day three, though. Except for push-ups. I think there may be some people who just can’t do push-ups and that I am one of them. I bet there are plenty of bad-ass people who can’t do them, like maybe Leonard Nimoy and Kirk Cameron and Yasmine Bleeth.  Maybe we could form a Shred team.  In any case, the Shred felt kind of good today – at least after it was over. Even my stinking cold was starting to feel better. And I think I’ve sort of lost the will to drink. Maybe it’s just because I want to sleep more than I want to stay up because Jillian has worn me out and made me her B.

Day Four (Friday 11/12):
My seven year old daughter keeps asking me: “Who is Jillian? How did you meet her? Why do you keep talking to her and about her? Why do you let her hurt you?” I had to explain to her that Jillian wasn’t real. Well, actually she’s totally real. I just don’t know her but I still have to do every damn thing she says for 20 minutes a day. Daughter suggests a family shred. It’s much harder to do with a toddler writhing around on your belly while you’re trying to do sit ups and hollering “UPPY UPPY UP!” when you’re doing squats. My thighs however, hardly hurt at all. Progress?

Day Five (Saturday 11/13):
Cold worse. Fever. Baby has it now too and it’s her birthday so as a special treat she decided NOT TO SLEEP between the hours of midnight and 4am and then wake up for the day at 6. FML. At 9pm I finally got all the kids to sleep and dishwasher loaded and was faced with a bed or Shred dilemma. I chose bed. Sorry Jillian. I know what’s coming tomorrow.

Day Six (Sunday, 11/14):
Exhausted. Sick. Need to shred. Jillian was mad that I skipped a day. Jillian made that clear because she snuck through the TV screen and slapped me like a pimp. I barely made it through the 20 minutes.

Day Seven (Monday 11/15):
Today I noticed that the two women in the video backing Jillian up have moments where it looks like they are contemplating revolution or a coordinated Square Up taco-kicking. I am intrigued by this. I keep watching their faces. One of them rolls their eyes while Jillian’s back is turned. Tee hee hee. I am surprised how quickly the work-out is over. It was hard and it wasn’t fun but I did the whole thing. My push-ups are still horrific and Jillian hates them but she can sit and spin because I’m doing my best.

I got on the scale. I lost 3 pounds this week! I love you, Jillian, and thank you - even though I still haven’t figured out if you’re good or evil. I'm thinking... good.

(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2010

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