Monday, November 8, 2010

Kate on Drugs: Funniest F**King Thing I Heard All Day

Kate recently wrote about how she sneezed and got all broken. She damaged her ribs somehow and was in a lot pain and could barely breathe or cough or laugh.  Kate doesn't like doctors very much. Not because they aren't awesome and professional and everything, but because she feels like a big faker when she goes, even when she clearly needs to. Because she's a suck-it-upper and power-through-it'er and those types of people don't go to the doctor.  I know, she's practically a dude. The doctor saw her and diagnosed her contusion and when she left, she took fourty-twelve different prescriptions with her.  
Then she took the drugs. And I made the mistake of texting her:

Lydia: You totally can't go tap dancing tonight. You know that right?
Kate: I know. Stupid.
Lydia: We'll go next week and then do make ups... Maye hip hop or modern dance.  They said we could do a make up.
Kate: I'm totally going to go write Ewww Ointment.
(two minutes later)
Kate: Where?
Lydia: What?
Kate: Where is next week?
Lydia: Uhhh... whuck?
Kate: I need make up too. You don't wear make up.
Lydia: Kate?
Kate: Oh, I'm writing up "ointment" now. Ewww.
Kate: Also, I'm heavily medicated. Hev-uh-leeeee.
Kate: Now I know how my dog feels
Kate: He feels awesome.
Kate: He also may possibly feel that the Afghani rugs in the house are moving.
Kate: Afghani rugs? Wouldn't they just be Afghan rugs? Or, dogs? Crap. What??
Kate: This rug thing is starting to freak me out. Is is Afghani rugs made by Afghans? Or Afghan rugs made by Aghanis?
Kate: Either way. F**k.That doesn't seem to stop them from moving.
Kate: I like codeine.
Lydia: I... What... You need to... I'm calling.

At which point I called her house and woke her up because she had fallen asleep at her desk and was drooling on her keyboard.

The End.

(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2010


  1. Now you need to write another post in which Kate takes codeine and then DOES go to tap dancing class. Oh, and we'll be needing video footage of that. Thanks.

  2. Oh that is hysterical! I'm glad there was no texting in the hospital after my first - it would have definitely looked a lot like that!

  3. That.was.AWESOME :)

    Reminds me of drunk texting. Which I never do. Anymore.

  4. Can she post what she was writing at the time? That should be pretty funny stuff!

  5. O.M.G.!! Huh-larious. Hope all the drugs help!

  6. Hahahaha We have some of those rugs too and I've often wondered if they creep around the house at night.

  7. roflmao. Medicated friends are the most fun ;) Video taping them is most fun too ;)

  8. Kate, if you have any of those pain pills left over, you should *totally* save some for me. I loves me some mother's little helpers. xoxo, stark. raving. mad. mommy.

  9. I totally snorted. Poor Kate!

  10. Once or twice a year I go through major insomnia and take a *prescribed sleeping pill* after a few sleepless nights. I've learned those tiny white pills are freakin potent! I only take a half, and when I do, I go straight to my room or I get in trouble. I get seriously whacked up, and it's no fun in front of my six pack or my husband or my texting buddies. A year or so ago I took some and went to bed and turned on the tv, my tween comes in and lies down next to me and watches for awhile. I remember talking about the show, but have no clue what I was talking about, but do remember she looked at me like I had two heads. So I told her about the pill and that I wasn't myself. She still talks about it and how awesome I was NOT, when I got cranked up on my sleep aids and lost my damned mind and couldn't form a cohesive sentence! Glad I could be comic relief in my drug induced state!

  11. Haha! That was great. I'm glad Kate can empathize with her dog now. For the record: Afghan rugs are made by Afghans (the people not the blanket). Afghani is what their money is called.

  12. How recent was the contusion? Will Kate be able to begin SHREDDING with Jillian and the rest of us tomorrow? Because it is ON.

  13. I remember in HS after having my wisdom teeth removed talking to my friend about pink bunny rabbits running thru my living room. Refering to the ceramic rabbit sitting at the bottom of the tv. And oh, I don't really mean I remember that lol I remember all the stories afterwards!

  14. After a car accident they gave me some of those lovelies and I went home and watched the ceiling fan. I don't even take advil so when I do get drugs, they reeeeally work.

  15. That made me laugh so hard I almost spit my coffee on the monitor. Awesome.

  16. OMG... PopTart just came outta my nose.... (yes, Mom-of-the-Year b'fast around my casa today). It HURT.

    I took Nyquil last night 'cuz I'm getting a cold.... it kicked my arse. Good thing my cell and my laptop were downstairs or I could have had a conversation like that one!

  17. I'm sitting here all by myself...and I just snorted tea out my nose!!! And I can't stop giggling. I can't even imagine what "I" was like when I was drugged out after rupturing a disc...I don't remember a damned thing, that's for sure. I wish my husband would've kept some of the texts.

  18. This reminds me of when I had my 4th child. There were some complications with the delivery and my epidural wasn't working at all well so they gave me some serious pain meds. After he was born and I was holding him every few minutes I was like "wow! I'm holding the baby!" My hubby says I couldn't complete a thought and just kept trailing off.

  19. ahahahhahahha cryinnggggg

    It's even awesomer when the drugged one has to be at work. Supervising. Which is hard to do when you can smell all the colors (neon green smells like stinging) and you can hear the clothes talking about you behind your back.




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