Friday, November 19, 2010

Leaf Me Alone, Dickie

There is a very big, very compelling, very justifiable reason why Kate loves summer and only summer. Because, beside her love of all things pool-oriented, particularly the spying part, her yard kinda majestically grows and flourishes and looks pretty and requires nothing from her but to 1) not disturb it; and 2) not to play Barry Manilow around the tomatoes.

Well, OK, it does mean mowing the lawn. But that's totally McLovin's job and he was offered a driving lawnmower with a cupholder and a plug in for his iPod, but he decided that he could use the work-out and bought a push mower instead and now I know he thinks about planting his keister on that John Deere seat and listening to some Elvis with a Coors Light while making really uneven lines in my yard. How's that workout working out for you, baby?

Winter means snow and shoveling. Thank you for all the pretty white stuff, but I'm Texas y'all, and where I come from, we visit snow. It's kinda like holding someone else's baby when you're done having kids. Cute and all and you get to smell them and enjoy them for a while, but once things get -- messy -- it's time to do the handover back to mommy. That's how I am with snow. Let me come visit, think it's pretty and then. go. away. Last year's Snowmageddon of 194 feet of snow and 23 days home from school for the IHPs just solidified my position that snow needs to stay in *other* places. Like Canada. Eh?

Spring is great and all, but - again, Texas - where my hometown averaged five to seven inches of rain A YEAR. It would rain HARD for about seven minutes and then the clouds would freakin' vanish like Justin Bieber dolls at Toys R' Us and then it would go back to being 187 degrees. Here, it rains for eight straight weeks. My geriatric gimpy beagle starts getting frantic about where's-the-girl-beagle-and-the-big-wooden-boat-already and my house and children and dog and clothes and just everything starts taking on the *moistness* (ugh, that is the worst. word. ever.) of --oh I have to stop. That word. It's right up there with *underpants.* Spring. Rain. That word. Enough said.

And, fall. Oh, Fall. You would be kind of awesome except for the leaves. While Lydia's trees prematurely ejaculate and are ready to be raked in September, Kate's are apparently taking Viagra and just. can't. get. there. It's November 19th and all of the leaves are still on the tree.  And, thanks to Dickie the Lawn Fairy, this has become Kate's problem. While Randy the Laundry Fairy regularly tortures Lydia and pretty much leaves Kate alone [Editor's Note: We think because the Laundry Fairy is afraid of Nanny, because she can totally kick his veloured a$$ - K&L]  Dickie comes calling on Kate every year, punishing her for her one request when she and McLovin bought their house: "I just want a really big yard with really big trees."

Oh, Dickie. You vicious little winged bastard. 

The point is, McLovin can't really mow properly until the leaves are gone. And I can't finish Day 12 on My Christmas List until all the mur.thur.fur.kin. leaves are out of the way. 

Here's the thing. My yard already has about fourteen thousand million one hundred leaves. [Editor's Note: That's Happy's official Leaf Tally. I asked him to go count. Mostly because before that he was trying to help type. This accomplishes nothing. Though he did manage to type the word "food" which I think was sort of cool. On the sixth page. Of single spaced typing. And then I went "OH! Look you typed food. Good for you. Get out of my chair. Kisses!" -Kate]  

My trees are like Godot. The leaves are still GREEN for cryin' out loud. And the leaves in my yard? Yellow. Umm, which of these things is not like the other? That I'm raking when my trees are still fully frocked? It's like they're determined to win some contest with the neigborhood trees as to who can hang on the longest. Congratulations, trees. You know what this means? This means I'm raking up the loser trees' leaves. And just when I'm done, you'll drop trou and give me a whole new batch to deal with. That's nice.

I've turned into a raking idiot. From the flower beds to the curb. We don't bag here. We drag all the little tree clothing carcasses out to the curb and this awesome sucking machine [that's what she said!] comes along and fwooooppps them up and it would be great but it hasn't come by yet and somehow the wind has visited twice and put them all back where I originally found them. Really? Can I just put them in a bag now?

The kids' toys are buried. I've stepped on the Razor scooter *twice* which was fabulous the first time when I was in heels and nearly fell over and broke my haunches, but even better the second time when I ran outside to toss something into the recycling bin and stepped on it barefoot, which caused it to lurch up and drive the handle into my thigh. And now it's in the recycling bin. Well, to be fair to the recently departed, he put up a good fight...spun around and caught me upside the shin. Which has now been attended to with a band-aid that looks like a piece of bacon. Because that's what people want on their open wounds. Raw pork.

[Editor's note: Excuse me? You have band-aids that look like raw bacon? Do such things actually exist? Why is this the first I'm hearing about it?  Bring them to my house right now! xo, Lydia]

Saturday is *supposed* to be order gifts day. It's now turned into Raking Up The Leaves Day. We've been told the leaf sucking machine will be here that afternoon. So, I'll go out for the third time and do a cage match battle with Dickie. That rat fink has beaten me twice. One more time and he's a dead fairy. And I think I have the perfect weapon.

It's hiding in the recycling bin.

(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2010


  1. We bought the leaf hoover... let it do the dirty work and create a compost-heap for your tomato plants at the same time.... awfully helpful!! But now we've left England-land and we are in Hong Kong land.... I really miss the leaves and the trees..... and the colours... enjoy Kate!!!xx

  2. My mom totally bought my husband bacon band-aids, bacon salt, and baconnaise (yes, bacon flavored mayonnaise for his Christmas stocking last year. Gag me!

  3. For Lydia;

    I own them. Just cause...I don't really have a good reason. Cause they're bacon. And that's Awesome.

  4. Dickie. I wondered what his name was! Turns out he visits my house as well. Thanks for sharing so very much. Now take him back.

  5. I just don't rake. Hello! My living room is a disaster - I am not bothering with the outside until I somehow figure out how to keep up with the inside!

  6. Yes, love my trees...dislike the carnage I have to witness every's pretty as the carcasses are falling but once they are covering.every.damn.thing., it get's old - fast...Oh! and I voted, AGAIN...Go RFML!

  7. I was at the grocery store last night and actually saw Bacon Flavored Microwave Popcorn, yep, bacony goodness all in a convenient microvavey package! (No, I didn't buy it, but it sure was tempting...)

  8. Ah yes, the Razor scooter of torture and pain.
    A friend of mine sliced her achilles tendon carrying one of those into the garage. I hope she threw it in the recycling bin also!!

  9. I live in the mountains in a town that celebrates Frozen Dead Guy days. Do any of us ever rake our yards? No thank God. I did one time last year before we moved because I was trying to make it look nice and all the neighbors gave me funny looks. I think around here it's a point of pride to see who has the deepest piles of leaves. Of course, we also usually have a few feet of snow to cover up the mounds of leaves two weeks after they fall. :)

  10. I am so with you about winter! I grew up in Oklahoma. Now I live in Connecticut. I loathe it!! On the other hand I really love Fall here. BUT, my ex always took care of the leaves and now my landlord does so I really don't mind that.

  11. My yard is covered with leaves, which cover up a layer of apples and crabapples from the largest fruit crop we've had in years. You can't walk through the yard without your shoes looking like they have visited the floor of a slaughterhouse. Naturally, this is the year that the city decided to collect extra trash containers only once every three weeks. At ten bags of crabapples/leaves every three weeks, I predict our yard will finally be cleaned out sometime in March!

  12. You know what's worse than moist? Tissue. I gag just typing it.

  13. My stepdad mows up the leaves. I think it's an excuse to get out of the house, away from my mom and her whining pooch, and do man things on his man machine aka ride on lawn mower but hey, it clears the yard for a few hours until the trees decide to laugh at us and drop more leaves!

  14. You're not kidding about those Razor Scooters! I have been hurt so many times by those stupid things (and I don't mean by riding them) - I swear they are out to get me!

  15. Dear Editor,

    I found those bacon bandaids at - they have a lot of bacon look a likes there.


  16. 1. 'Panties' is way worse than 'underpants'.

    2. I had to google 'porte cochere' because I am sooo fancy. And smart.

    3. Both of my brothers are now getting bacon bandaids for Christmas. Thanks!

  17. We have a huge pile of leaves next to our house and we don't even have any trees! The stupid wind blows them around the neighborhood and they seem to get sucked and whirlwinded in to the space between our house and the neighbors--of course the wind deposits them on my side.

  18. I am so glad someone mentioned bacon bandaids. Totally totally forgot about them til I saw themn mentioned here. Your kid is gonna flip for these! :) BTW Blog vote tally seems very wacky...what you've only got 9% of the vote? Got to get me some more ISP lines!

  19. I swear we live in the same neighborhood, the pics look familiar and we are on the same leaf hoover schedule....weird.

    Have fun, I hate leaves!!

  20. I'm with Guru Louise. "Panties" is a thousand times worse than "underpants". Panties. Gag. It's okay for a girl under the age of five. But when someone says women wear panties? BARF! GAG!

    I know several people who hate the word "moist". Cracks me up. I love the words "moist towelette" for some odd reason, so I can't hate moist.

    Best word ever? "Mill" As in "milling around". I love when people (especially in books) mill around. Good stuff.




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