Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Things That Make Lydia Go Whuck?!

A couple of months ago, I came up with a list of things that confused and upset me and made me say WHUCK.  Lately, I started keeping a second list because there just seems to be a whole lot of crazy going around and for once - it's not coming from me.

Item 1: Just when I thought my kids were acting sort of evil... My friend Scotty sent me this. Holy crow, y'all.

Item 2: The weather is being a dick. Yesterday, it was 85 degrees and sunny and I was sweating balls trying to rake my yard. I had to put on the AC. By this morning, there was frost everywhere and it was freezing.  But the kids still wanted to wear flip flops to school.  And my husband accused me of having run the AC the day before in order to spend his money faster. The only good thing about the cold weather is that it takes two days instead of one for my laundry to turn sour in the washing machine when I forget about it.

Item 3: The Star Wars Holiday Special (circa 1978) that everyone in my house wants to watch on YouTube a hundred times a day. It is beyond words. Starring Mark Hamill, Harrison Ford, Carrie Fisher, James Earl Jones, CP30, R2D2, and Chewbacca. With special guest stars (THIS IS NOT A JOKE) Bea Arthur, Art Carney, Dianne Carol, Harvey Korman and the musical stylings of Jefferson Starship. Maude actually does a song and dance and I still can’t bear to watch it.

Item 4: PBS, can we please chat for a minute? I love you. I love your wonderful children’s programming. But to say that you don’t run advertisements is totally false because do you know where my children learned the phrase “where a kid can be a kid”? From watching Curious George. I understand you need money, really I do. Times are tough. But Wonderbread and Chuck E. Cheese? Really? I thought PBS was supposed to be good for you. Why don't you get a sponsorship from something wholesome and kid-friendly, like Joe Camel?

Item 5: Kim Kardashian recently turned down some really expensive and swank free swag because it was too gaudy for her refined and delicate tastes. The headline ran: ‘Too Bling for Kim’. I thought they were trying to be ironic.

Item 6: Thank goodness the election is over.  I almost lost my damn mind from all the phone calls.  What is wrong with the campaigning geniuses who think if they call my house at 7:59 am on a Saturday morning that I will want to vote for their guy. I started screaming: “I’M KEEPING A LIST! STOP CALLING ME! I’M WRITING YOUR CANDIDATE’S NAME DOWN RIGHT NOW!”

Item 7:  I love Disney almost as much as I love PBS but ummm... The “D-Signed by Disney” collection of clothes for girls size 4-16 sold at Target, based on the show “Sunny With a Chance” makes me vomit. Sunny with a chance of what? Unintended teen pregnancy? D-Signed for what exactly? Hooking? Do you know what these clothes look like? They’re actually selling hotpants with fishnets attached in a size 4T. And see-through hot pink lace t-shirts paired with tiny black tank tops underneath. Madonna in 1984 would have thought they were tacky.  It’s horrifying.

(3) My kids on sugar. Thanks Halloween. Thumbelina, who is usually my good child, started running around the house in circles screaming “Sugar! Is! Naughty! For! My! Body! WOOOOOOOOO!”

(2) Crocs on a plane. That’s not a joke or a premise for a movie. Someone smuggled a live crocodile onto a plane in their carry-on luggage and it got loose and the plane crashed and 20 people died.

(1) Sisterwives. 

Dear MAUDE what the hell is happening that this show is a sensation. I watched it once. That was plenty. Who is this frigging dude and what is he all about that four different women want his stuff?  The mere idea that he even has junk makes me throw up in my hand.

Seriously - it's too much for me.  From now on, I formally bequeath the Sisterwives to Stark.Raving.Mad.Mommy and Mom In A Million.  It's too whackadoodle even for me.  Maybe if one of them was a vampire or something...

(0) Last but not least... My husband, the now infamous Cap’n Coupon, asked me if I wanted to hear Maude’s take on the current unemployment crisis. I was like, “Honey, Maude is dead. I don’t think she has much to say on that or any subject.”

But I was wrong (and he was right - sigh...) and here it is:

(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2010

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