A couple of months ago, I came up with a list of things that confused and upset me and made me say WHUCK. Lately, I started keeping a second list because there just seems to be a whole lot of crazy going around and for once - it's not coming from me.
Item 1: Just when I thought my kids were acting sort of evil... My friend Scotty sent me this. Holy crow, y'all.
Item 2: The weather is being a dick. Yesterday, it was 85 degrees and sunny and I was sweating balls trying to rake my yard. I had to put on the AC. By this morning, there was frost everywhere and it was freezing. But the kids still wanted to wear flip flops to school. And my husband accused me of having run the AC the day before in order to spend his money faster. The only good thing about the cold weather is that it takes two days instead of one for my laundry to turn sour in the washing machine when I forget about it.
Item 3: The Star Wars Holiday Special (circa 1978) that everyone in my house wants to watch on YouTube a hundred times a day. It is beyond words. Starring Mark Hamill, Harrison Ford, Carrie Fisher, James Earl Jones, CP30, R2D2, and Chewbacca. With special guest stars (THIS IS NOT A JOKE) Bea Arthur, Art Carney, Dianne Carol, Harvey Korman and the musical stylings of Jefferson Starship. Maude actually does a song and dance and I still can’t bear to watch it.
Item 4: PBS, can we please chat for a minute? I love you. I love your wonderful children’s programming. But to say that you don’t run advertisements is totally false because do you know where my children learned the phrase “where a kid can be a kid”? From watching Curious George. I understand you need money, really I do. Times are tough. But Wonderbread and Chuck E. Cheese? Really? I thought PBS was supposed to be good for you. Why don't you get a sponsorship from something wholesome and kid-friendly, like Joe Camel?Item 5: Kim Kardashian recently turned down some really expensive and swank free swag because it was too gaudy for her refined and delicate tastes. The headline ran: ‘Too Bling for Kim’. I thought they were trying to be ironic.
Item 6: Thank goodness the election is over. I almost lost my damn mind from all the phone calls. What is wrong with the campaigning geniuses who think if they call my house at 7:59 am on a Saturday morning that I will want to vote for their guy. I started screaming: “I’M KEEPING A LIST! STOP CALLING ME! I’M WRITING YOUR CANDIDATE’S NAME DOWN RIGHT NOW!”
Item 7: I love Disney almost as much as I love PBS but ummm... The “D-Signed by Disney” collection of clothes for girls size 4-16 sold at Target, based on the show “Sunny With a Chance” makes me vomit. Sunny with a chance of what? Unintended teen pregnancy? D-Signed for what exactly? Hooking? Do you know what these clothes look like? They’re actually selling hotpants with fishnets attached in a size 4T. And see-through hot pink lace t-shirts paired with tiny black tank tops underneath. Madonna in 1984 would have thought they were tacky. It’s horrifying.(3) My kids on sugar. Thanks Halloween. Thumbelina, who is usually my good child, started running around the house in circles screaming “Sugar! Is! Naughty! For! My! Body! WOOOOOOOOO!”
(2) Crocs on a plane. That’s not a joke or a premise for a movie. Someone smuggled a live crocodile onto a plane in their carry-on luggage and it got loose and the plane crashed and 20 people died.
(1) Sisterwives. Dear MAUDE what the hell is happening that this show is a sensation. I watched it once. That was plenty. Who is this frigging dude and what is he all about that four different women want his stuff? The mere idea that he even has junk makes me throw up in my hand.
Seriously - it's too much for me. From now on, I formally bequeath the Sisterwives to Stark.Raving.Mad.Mommy and Mom In A Million. It's too whackadoodle even for me. Maybe if one of them was a vampire or something...
(0) Last but not least... My husband, the now infamous Cap’n Coupon, asked me if I wanted to hear Maude’s take on the current unemployment crisis. I was like, “Honey, Maude is dead. I don’t think she has much to say on that or any subject.”
But I was wrong (and he was right - sigh...) and here it is:
(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2010
Your list is awesome. Plain and simple. I see a new post and I get all excited while I hold my laptop too high for my child to not accidentally close out the window while I am reading. I love you guys enough to fully extend my arms, and that means something coming from my lazy pregnant ass.
ReplyDeleteGreat list, Lydia! That first video nearly made me wet myself from laughing so hard. I rushed to post it on FB before anyone else. Those clothes in Item 7 make me appreciate the fact that I have a boy. And Sisterwives even got on Oprah, not that I watch, I just saw the end while waiting for the news. Those women are idiots and I want to know what's so great about that guy that he can have 5 wives. Whackadoodle is right!
ReplyDeleteI thank the Holy Mother everyday that i'm raising boys. Moms and girls have a lot to go up against in today's society. Didn't another female teen 'idol' ship off to rehab yesterday?
ReplyDeleteHeh heh heh. Maude's taking a wine break. I need one of those. Also? Thanks for the link love!
ReplyDeleteSo glad I found your blog. Its the only one that makes me laugh out loud everyday. You are so right. This world is whacked out.
ReplyDeleteThe "teen idol" is Demi Lovato who happens to be the star of Sunny With a Chance! LMAO!
ReplyDeleteI hate, absolutely HATE buying clothes for my daughter. The clothes are either whore-ish or have some stupid character splayed across the front. Uh yeah, I'm not paying $15 friggin dollars to buy a shirt that is basically free advertising for Justin Freaking Bieber! Maybe he could take that $15 and get a DAMN HAIRCUT!
I used to love Disney, but lately it's gotten out of control. All the girl stars are boy crazy and "crushing" on someone. Not what my 7 year old girl needs to be thinking about. But hey, still better than iCarly!
Holy crap! That drama queen video is both hilarious and truly evil at the same time! Makes me appreciate my little drama queen...
ReplyDeleteI love some Maude humor! And I'd also like to thank Miley Cyrus and the Bratz creators for our awesome fashions for girls who've not yet gotten boobs! This subject never gets old, or less shocking. Thanks.
ReplyDeletehttp://www.mamajulep.com/2010/10/how-to-dress-your-tween-like-bratz-doll.html
i love you. i'm glad i'm not the only one.... just yesterday i switched a load of laundry that wouldn't have made it through the summer heat. *blushes* and the Prostitot clothing makes me ill.
ReplyDeleteOhhhh can I use that last line on my kids? Mommy's sorry she's on her whine break!!! haha gotta love it!!!
ReplyDeleteTotally agree with the "thank God I have boys" comments. My DH and I keep a list: "Why God Gave Us Boys". Inappropriate clothing is just one thing on the list.
ReplyDeleteBut Nichole, I'm sorry, I have a confession. I love iCarly. Didn't think I would. But I do!
Just when I think I can't possibly love you more you go and do something like this. *sigh* And then, amongst a morning filled with tears and heartbreak I find myself laughing. Thank you. Seriously. Not kidding here. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
ReplyDeleteHilarious list! Love it!
ReplyDeleteGreat list! I love that you just rant on about arbitrary things. The weather has sucked here as well and i've gone from AC to HEAT to AC and back. My husband knows better than to bug me about shit but then, i'm much older than you.
ReplyDeleteLove the post!
Ugh. I agree on the Sister Wives - I won't even watch the commercials.
ReplyDeleteHey Lydia, you're regressing - 1,2,3,4,5,7,3,2,1
ReplyDeleteThat drama queen thing reminded me of my SIL, who got a massive shiner when she was about 4 (courtesy of my husband, then 2, who had a thing for affectionate head-butts at the time). The next day, she and my MIL get on the bus - MIL loaded down with all the crap that you need to leave the house with two small children, plus of course back then strollers and buses did not go well together (remember busses with steps?) so she's carrying my husband as well in all his 2-year-old squirminess.
Once they are on, SIL refuses to sit down. MIL loses schmit a wee tad and tells her to sit down RIGHT NOW. SIL leans back and whimpers 'oh, don't hit me again, mommy!' Glares from everyone on the bus.
Children in every generation. They are evil, but only part-time, thank goodness.
Totally with you on the Target line of clothes. I used to love them for the price-point, but my heavens, I've never seen such awful garb (and I've been known to let my 4 year old go out in pink leopard print tights, a sea green dress shirt, and a flowered multi-colored sweat shirt ALL AT ONCE... I am not a fashion stickler is my point). It looks like madonna's 1980's wardrobe threw up in shades of ugly purple plaid and chintzy fishnet stockings. What's next, thigh highs with garters for the under 4 year old set?
ReplyDeleteI have given up on Target clothes for kids. I don't know why, but nothing seems to fit right on my kids and I'm not up for dressing my 20 month old like a ho (she wears 2t-3t). So I go to consignment stores and pick up a few things here and there for both kids (a boy and a girl, The Boy One is 3) until they have enough. I have been buying The Girl One pants from the boys section. Tight pants over a diaper - not attractive.
ReplyDeleteLove the Drama Queen Video....I wouldn't put it past my son to try something like that!
ReplyDeleteAgree with everyone about the inappropriate clothes for little girls. Saw a little one at the mall the other day with Juicy on the butt of her pants. (((GASP)))
And the guy on sisterwives....he must be packing some SUPERSIZED junk because he is not all that. :D
Don't know about any role Disney's "Sonny" herself, Demi Lovato, played or didn't play in the creation of the tunnel-bunny togs for tots, but I do wonder how much play the line will get. The New York Times had an item today that Ms. Lovato (18 years old!) has entered rehab. Let's see how this plays out ... Disney explains rehab to the preschool set.
ReplyDeleteI have three girls.... one is just old/tall enough to NOT fit that craptastic Disney/Demi Lovato crap. My younger two... not so much. I try avoid taking with me on my runs to Target (LOVE the fact that the oldest darling female child is old enough to babysit now). But alas.... they had to come along the other day. The entire drive home (THANK GOD it's only about 5 minutes) the two little ones whined about not getting the red lace skirt thing that Demi is selling. I nicely (and firmly) explained that my daughters will NOT look like hookers at the ripe old ages of 7 & 8. The clothes she's peddling are completely inappropriate and will never, ever, EVER come into our home.
ReplyDeleteAs for Miss Lovato and her recent need to seek mental help... I truly hope she finds some peace and is able to cope better with her life/fame/over-exposure. I can't imagine what it would be like to grow up in that lime light... but it's obviously not working well for any of those kids. Look at Lindsay, Miley and Britney.... sigh.