Friday, December 3, 2010

Bejeweled Blitz: Parenting Fail

My youngest daughter just turned 2. My life now has one central purpose: DO NOT TAKE YOUR EYES OFF THE TWO YEAR OLD. She is the tornado to my trailer park. She is a climbing, smashing, splashing, oft- naked, daredevil fire-starting, putter of things in her mouth and up her nose. She is by far the wiliest and most crafty of all my three children and impossibly cute. She is a precious little cupcake baked by the devil.  And I am totally outmatched.

She recently developed a new hobby – peeling crayons. I encourage this hobby for three reasons: (1) Peeling crayons really causes no damage to anything. I mean, even without the label – you can still see what color it is. In fact, you can see it better. (2) It keeps her quiet and out of trouble (3) I can get a 24 count box of crayons for about 25 cents (with a coupon, of course) and for the peace and quiet it buys me – I would pay one hundred million times that price.

Last week, she found a nice sunny spot next to the dining room table and plopped down with a box of Crayolas. I loaded the dishwasher. She had created a nice pile of wrappers. I poured a cup of coffee. She was now happily selecting a new green one.  I quickly went to the bathroom. She was putting the peeled crayons under the table, playing quietly.

It was bliss.

And so I did something very stupid. I sat at the table two feet from my daughter, and I opened my laptop and went to Facebook. I looked at some updates and then looked at Mini-mini-me. She was happy as a clam, peeling and shredding. So I started to play my very favorite game in the whole wide world: Bejeweled Blitz. If you are a fellow Bejeweled addict, you understand. If you’ve never played this game – thank your lucky stars and listen to your Auntie Lydia and NEVER EVER start.

Also, Auntie Lydia has learned the hard way – as you will soon read – that it is not advisable to do certain things and safely supervise small children. Here’s a short list: play Bejeweled Blitz on Facebook, read UsWeekly or People magazines, drink Jack Daniels directly from the bottle (okay, that never happened with children present), practice your knife throwing act, watch True Blood.

Each game lasts 60 seconds. I played one game. Mini was under the table, sweetly peeling crayons. I played another game. She was shredding and cooing in a sunbeam like a little angel. I played again, and she was gone.

Aw shizz.

“Mini? Mini, honey – where are you?”

An adorable little voice trilled back to me: “Mashing!”

Whuck?

I found her in the middle of the kitchen floor with an 18-pack of eggs. 17 of them had been smashed in between her fat little hands and then tossed around the room. The 18th was in her little claws. As I screamed: “NOOOOOOO! Baby – stooooopp iiiittttt!” in slow motion, I watched her smash the egg and then try to grab the yolk in mid-air to shove in her mouth like a squishy yellow weasel treat.  Mmmmmm.

I looked at her face –it was covered with yellow slime. Dear God, how many of them has she eaten? It was in her hair. In her eyes. It was all over her clothes. And do any of you fine people have an idea how much floor space 18 smashed eggs can cover? It was epic.

It all occurred in the 60 seconds it took me to play one more game of Bejeweled. It was 8:16 am.


PS: Despite my fear of a salmonella outbreak, the next morning found my daughter bright eyed and fever free.  And ready to raid the refrigerator - again.

(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2010

51 comments:

  1. I used to love Bejeweled Blitz on FB. Had to quit cold turkey because of the time vortex that one enters when playing. You think it's only a minute--then hours later...

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  2. Ahhh, Bejeweled Blitz. It's responsible for many flaws in my house....several Sharpie wall art incidents, planes gouging tables, items ripped from walls. Bejeweled Blitz and 2 year old DON'T MIX! They should put a surgeon general warning label on the game.

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  3. Sounds just like something my oldest did when she was a toddler. She tried to "fix breakfast" by combining a dozen eggs, an entire gallon of red koolaid, and a bag of sugar all over the kitchen floor...it was so flooded with it, it stained the carpet at the edge of the kitchen door, no where near the mess, red. :(

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  4. sounds like my daughter has a identical twin!

    trina
    www.mommeville.com

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  5. A very calm friend of mine had a 2nd child that could disappear and unload egg cartons and pour out salad dressing all in under a minute. Her husband asked how. Then the boy climbed up on a table, grabbed a knife, and almost fell off said table while hubby was on duty and hubby KNEW how. Children can warp time or something.
    absolutely LOVE the egg picture - expressions are priceless. Hang in there! This too shall pass. And hey, it's probably some great moisturizer to have egg on your face and in your hair.

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  6. My almost 2-year-old's nickname from the time she could crawl was Baby Godzilla. This post makes me very grateful that a) she is short and b)our freezer is on the bottom.

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  7. If it's good enough for Rocky, its good enough for Mini-mini-me. She's bulking up.

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  8. That is awesome! Wow. Our son is tall for his age and quite strong to boot, so we've had to get locks for our fridge and freezer. Before the locks, I often found the little man in the living room cuddling a tub of ice cream he'd snuck out of our freezer (it's below our fridge).
    www.notperfectbutbeautifullife.blogspot.com

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  9. Heh. We had to put a lock on the fridge because of egg-dropping fun when the Peanut Butter Kid was that age.

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  10. Bwah ha ha ha! Ah yes the lovely Bejeweled Blitz alternate reality! Wow I would say I miss those toddler days but in reality I totally did a HUGE happy dance when the youngest started ALL day kindergarten this year. Ahh the blissful quiet.

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  11. awesome!
    try goober's lab,
    there is a pause between levels!

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  12. I have a two year old who loves to peel a crayon, loves to throw eggs -seriously have to keep her away when making eggs- she thinks it's hysterical! I have several tricks I use since I have all my kids home all the time and I have to get real creative.
    And I also fail. Frequently.
    I think you just inspired my next blog post- what to do with baked cupcakes from the devil- lol!

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  13. I am so glad my son hasn't the strength to open the fridge yet. The day is coming though. He will stand there and yank until I think his arm is going to come off. He wants in to the yogurt. One time I will go looking for him and I will find him in the fridge with yogurt cups smashed everywhere. I hope it's when I'm at work and dh is watching him during the day. lol

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  14. And this is exactly why I have a lock on the refrigerator - my two-year-old terrorist loves raiding it.

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  15. I had to quit bejeweled after I spend an entire day playing and then dreamt about the rows of pretty colors. That's when I knew I was addicted. So what did I do? Switched to super Mario brothers. Bejeweled blitz is the gateway drug for the hard stuff, like super mario bros.

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  16. When my daughter was 18 months she finger painted my kitchen with raw eggs while I went to the bathroom. I put on a fridge lock and thought that was the end of it. The next week she found one of my paint brushes and decorated the bathroom walls with a whole tube of tooth paste. I put door knob covers on the bathroom doors. The following week she finger painted her room (bedding, carpet, books, and toys) with poop from her diaper when she was supposed to be napping. I didn't let her out of my sight again until she was five years old and getting on the school bus for kindergarten!!!

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  17. I can totally relate, I have a just little boy just over 2. He can get into something faster than you can blink an eye....it's like he has some sort of super human powers, seriously! He recently started whipping his leg over the side of his crib and climbing out...yikes because we have all tile floors, not smooth ones either, the terracotta type, yeah extra hard so I worry about the affect of the floor on his head in the event of a fall! So I am in process of changing his room to a "big (little) boy" version of the jungle, maybe he will get lost in there? Haha kidding! I do have an awesome fridge lock though that no matter how hard he sticks his fat little hands in the door and prys will not open and requires a minimal amount of strength to pinch the buttons to actually open so I can also keep my 5 year old from sneaking snacks. Fantastic! Oh and on the crayon peeling, my little guy likes to draw on the walls when I am not looking, you know the phone rings, or I am answering an email that sort of thing and off he goes to create some wall art, thank God for those wall cleaning sponges!

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  18. Bejeweled Blitz is the worst thing ever! Just one more game....Riiiiight?

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  19. :) I love bejeweled. what's your score? :).

    :) I love eggs to.. hahahahaha

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  20. Ha ... glad it's not just my house.

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  21. I am just glad that I am not the only mommy obsessed with BB. It's FB crack! CRACK I tell you. . . .

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  22. omg, totally been there so many times. "Little Boy" is almost 16 months, not quite walking, but can pretty much climb anything. I can no longer play while he is awake.....

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  23. My baby girl is lovingly called godzookie. Because she is as destructive as godzilla, but sweet as a cookie.

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  24. Bejeweled is totally addicting... omg! What an adorable little DEVIL. Amazing how fast they can wreak havoc on a peaceful morning. Haha.

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  25. I have a similar 2 year old. She is a tornado. And somehow we decided to have another. Good thing my 4 year old is an angel.

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  26. I found the tweezers lodged in a carefully un-safety-capped outlet in the bathroom one morning. Nothing says awesome like accidental self-electrocution while everyone else is asleep and can't stop you. We Had A Discussion that morning.

    My point? I don't think it matters how vigilant you are, some days they will just slip around you.

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  27. HAHAHA!! Oh god I love her. And I'm so glad you live far away so she can't corrupt my child. Who, by the way, crawled into bed during nap time with one of the little girls in his class.

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  28. AWESOME!! (Especially since it wasn't in my house nor was I responsible for cleaning it up, confirming my theory (and reason for keeping a blog) that this shit is HILARIOUS as long as it's not happening to me)

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  29. Hahahaha. I called a friend once and caught her just as she came in the door with her arms full of groceries. She put them down, answered the phone, and 20 seconds later screamed in my ear. Her toddler had opened a gallon bottle of vegetable oil and had dumped the entire thing on the kitchen floor. He learned some new words, and I learned that my phone could survive a drop to the floor.

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  30. I love Bejeweled Blitz and love the days when you can get the 2x gem for free. The fact that I just said that is very sad. I can't just play one game...must play over and over and over. I commend you on stopping at one. Thankfully my children are too old to get into shenanigans while I play.

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  31. We call our daughter Little Miss Adventure because she has been getting into everything since the time she started walking steadily. It is interesting to see how gradually everything fragile in our house has moved higher and higher. Pretty soon all we will have left is on top of the mantle and tall dressers and such. I have gotten her dressed up for events 2 times and EACH time she has been able to get into a tube of Desitin (original strength) or Palmers Butt Butter. Try getting that out of her hair, clothes, face and furniture and still get out the door in 15 minutes. Also with a call to poison control before we left. UGH!!! Anytime she is playing quietly we know she is doing something she shouldn't be, like the desitin, her hair lotions, toothpaste.....to name a few. She also tends to strip naked when you aren't paying attention. She really keeps us on our toes.

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  32. I'm in love with the phrase, "a precious little cupcake baked by the devil." :) Great post, as always. Hee.

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  33. I was talking on the phone one morning, telling her how my 2 year old "made pancakes" in her bed (Right on the sheets and blankets) in the middle of the night (one of those boxed dinner mixes, DOG DISH water, assorted spices), when she shrieked NOOOOOO! And dropped the phone. HER two year old was at that moment sprinkling the KEYS of her piano with the orange cheese powder from a package of Mac 'N Cheese.

    Two year olds are indeed Devil Cupcakes.
    --kate in Michigan

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  34. I'm thinking that a refrigerator lock would be a good idea ... and wow, I remember those days when you could not turn around for a few seconds without something interesting happening. The good thing is they do grow out of it!

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  35. Your description of your youngest is a very accurate description for my youngest. And your fail could very easily have happened at our house. My daughter is also stealthy and fridge obsessed and SO FAST! She's almost three, though, so I gave up Bejeweled awhile ago for the safety of everyone.

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  36. OMG...'squishy yellow weasel treat' is officially my new >favorite< phrase!!

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  37. 18 eggs is very bad .... but 36 eggs and two children might beat you. Red was 2.5, Princess was about 9mos. I left the room to start a bath for them, and they destroyed my stockpile of eggs - ready for a baking frenzy I had planned for later that day. It took me almost two weeks to finally get rid of the dried egg in the corners and underneath the fridge. I still can't crack eggs without shuddering. I pray you get thru the PTSD ok. xoxo

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  38. When I was five years old (My father had dubbed me the rocket scientest of us three kids) I took everything apart etc. My parents found me with a 18 count of eggs having thrown them all at a sliding glass door in order to watch then slide down in order to see if any would slide faster than others etc. LOL try getting that al out of the tracks of the a sliding glass door, it happens to everyone. I'm 30 now and have a 6 and 9 year old and my youner one decided to throw them at his bedroom wall... it always passes on to the next generation... keep it up ladies you are wonderful!

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  39. You must all be geniuses of some sort because I can barely crack 100,000 on BB.

    Anyhoo, today I found sweet dimpled 3 yo in his room quietly napping? Yeah right- he has removed 4 caps from albuterol vials and was mixing them with Desitin in a little container. Future chemist perhaps??? Parental fail.........

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  40. Oh Lydia, I feel like I owe you an apology of some sort. You see, my husband is one of the jackholes responsible for Bejeweled Blitz on Facebook. And yes, he does test that stuff out on me and yes, I get lost in the Blitz time vortex too. At least we don't need to choose a paint color for our living room walls, our daughter took care of that last year (at least the lower portion of the wall).

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  41. My daughter when she was two, smashed the eggs and then soaked bread in them. She was making french toast...on the carpet. Luckily didn't eat any of them.

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  42. You know how sometimes when you see a Public Service Announcement about obesity and alcoholism and suddenly you go, "Hey. A pizza and a beer sound GREAT right about now!"? Well....

    Dammit. I started Bejeweled. Curse you!!!
    --kate in Michigan

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  43. Ahhh! But you are missing out on the slave labor! Get yourself an ipad, download the Bejeweled app, give the ipad to your 2 year old! tada! free coins!

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  44. I laughed so hard I cried. Seriously...and I needed that. Thank you!

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  45. oh yes - my soon to be 3 year old is a terror. My husband wonders why we didn't name him Dennis (as in the Menace!) a year ago he pulled my daughters hair so much he left a half dollar size bald spot on her head. She is still growing it back. He has climbed on the counters, stove, grabbed knives, gets in the refrigerator and grabs handfuls of sliced salami, turkey, yogurts, etc. He likes apples and I find half eaten apples all over the house. I have found him in the bathroom sink playing in a sink full of water (he is IN the sink) playing with shaving cream, toothpaste, butt cream, I have also had the egg smashing incident - he got the wisk and was making something that included cereal. My two older kids were NEVER like this at all. But he is also super cute and a huge lover. We love him more than anything...but he is exhausting!!! Oh, and while I was typing this he dumped his water out all over the table and stuck a pen in the fan. Good times!

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  46. I love that she's all "mashing" like it's totally normal.

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  47. Thank God my kids are older now, as I don't think I have the energy for all of that again! LOL! When my son was a toddler, he grabbed a bottle of nail polish, went into his bedroom and shut the door. I thought he was still napping. I went to check on him and smelled the nail polish (totally unmistakable smell!)...amazingly, he perfectly painted all of his toenails while on his bed without spilling.one.single.drop! I can't even do that!!!! sigh.

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  48. Oh my goodness I love that I am not alone in this time warp madness! My 3 yr old son I swear thinks up things to do when I turn my back and then when the time is right, he takes off in hyper drive! My husband still doesn't believe me, and says my time perception must be off. I'm waiting for the day that he catches him doing something insane under 5 min. :)

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  49. This SOOOOO happened to me except I wasn't on the computer, it was 2 am and hubby was out of town and Thing 1 was being the good child and sleeping....oh yeah and she mixed it with chocolate syrup and instead of eating them, they were ALL OVER my murthurfurking kitchen.....took about 4 hours to clean, cause after this happened....she went back to bed and I didn't notice till I woke up at 6.....was a NIGHTMARE!!! And even though I thought I got everything, I found egg yolk splattered on the ceiling of my den 8 months later.....and we now bungy chord the fridge shut, and it works....sometimes, I can laugh now....not so much then

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  50. What is it about crayon peeling?? My 2 year old daughter has a coffee tin full of crayons and not one of them has a label. Is it as therapeutic as peeling the label off of a beer bottle I wonder?

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  51. I too am a fan of the game...eggs are the worst to clean up...especially when your 4 year olds decide to make you mashed egg's for breakfast. In their play kitchen. Which is sitting on top of the new carpet. In the new house. PS egg stains carpet. Especially new carpet that doesn't have other midget stains to take away from the intensity or make it look like that is how it's supposed to be!

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