Thursday, December 23, 2010

The Brutally Honest Christmas Letter: SGW

We were forwarded this completely awesome and very real family Christmas letter by our good buddy Ella Bean (the only thing we've changed are the names).  We've all received letters tucked into Christmas cards.  And you know how we feel about Christmas Cards.  Some are nice, some are nauseating but none are quite like this.  This is a Brutally Honest Christmas Letter and it is a thing of beauty.  We hope we get one next year. 

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It is our pleasure to bring you the 2010 edition of the Brutally Honest Dashwood Family Christmas letter. Edward lost his job in July. After several months of searching, two really good prospects that fell through the cracks and a manic roller coaster of hope and defeat, he found gainful employment in October with a local company. He is thriving in this new position, so much so that he traded in his held-together-by-bailing-wire-and-duct-tape Accord for a high falutin' 10 year old minivan, officially making the Dashwoods a two minivan household. Yes, we have reached the pinnacle of cool. We retain some of our former redneckitude with the run-down Accord still making its home in our driveway. Edward hasn’t found a way to let it go yet but he’s convinced we are going to make a small fortune when we do sell it.

Elinor began a long and sure-to-be-lustrous career as an adjunct professor at the local community college. She taught a six-week class on freelance magazine writing this fall and, despite her debilitating nervousness and fear of public speaking, received positive reviews and was asked back for the spring semester. This experience, coupled with the trauma of job loss, led Elinor to discover the joys of anti-anxiety medication. It is truly a match made in heaven and a relationship she plans on nurturing for the long haul.

Brandon made a reluctant return to sports this fall. He donned cleats, an adorable uniform and hit the field for a season of soccer. His last attempt at sports was the spring/summer prior to kindergarten. What a difference 2.5 years makes! While he is far from the star of the team, Brandon follows the ball closely and understands the game. This is no small victory considering we spent his last baseball season touting the virtues of standing up in the outfield instead of lying face down in the dirt. He still fancies himself an artist and is determined to make a career out of that. While his talent is undeniable, we’re in ongoing negotiations about said career path.

Marianne started kindergarten this year and shocked us all by being a model student. She loves school and refers to the principle as “The Boss.” I’d tell you about the character award she received for being a caring student but that would go against the tone of this letter, wouldn’t it? Since entering school, Marianne’s opportunities for extra-curricular activities have increased ten-fold and she roped her Mom into becoming the Daisy Scout leader. Marianne is a bit of a diva, enjoying the limelight of the stage. Her ballet/tap class performs at community events regularly and Marianne has no problem donning a “pageant smile” and performing in front of a crowd. She is determined to enter a pageant but, to her dismay, her mom and dad refuse to relent and allow her to dress up like a 5-year-old street walker and perform for middle-aged “judges.”  Not happening.

Margaret is a heaping helping of crazy. She’s into everything and seems to have an internal honing device that allows her to find danger wherever it may be. She’s got a particular affinity for electrical outlets, pet food, cleaning products and knife drawers. Baby-proofing has never been much of an issue for us, but Margaret is breaking all of the rules. She smiles constantly, wakes up happy and has the most contagious laugh we’ve ever heard. Despite the increased need for security measures, Margaret has breathed new life into the Dashwood household and is sure to make this year’s holiday season extra jolly!

Merry Christmas from the Dashwoods!


(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2010

12 comments:

  1. Better than any other Christmas letter I've ever read!

    And I love the names from "Sense and Sensibility"!

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  2. Well, that's just brilliant. I may actually write a Christmas letter next year, now that I have an appropriate model.

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  3. I was thinking about writing a Christmas letter informing everyone of my 6 yr old's premature hormonal roller coaster and my 81 year old grandmothers dementia and how it adds SUCH joy to my life. Maybe then people would stop telling me to stop bitching about Grannie. This was refreshing.. love that someone had the nuts to send this letter out. Thanks for sharing and Merry Christmas to 2 of the coolest moms on the face of the planet. VIVA LA TURTLE HERDERS! <3

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  4. I absolutely adore the names you chose! I'm in the middle of reading Sense and Sensibility right now, since I loved the movie and decided I should act like a grown-up and finally read the damn thing.

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  5. Holy Frickin' AWESOME!!!!! I have not laughed this hard in a long time.

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  6. This really is perfect. It was a struggle to write my letter this year because I left out all the "bad" stuff. Um yeah. I'm so on board with Brutally Honest Christmas Letters. Next year. I'll send y'all a copy. :)

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  7. 5 shades of AWESOME. Dug on the character references to "Sense and Sensibility." The only thing that could have improved it was a detailed description of how their dog dragged his ass across their newly-cleaned carpet and then proceeded to throw up the chewed-up Hooker-in-Training-Barbie arm that he had consumed that morning after drinking from a dirty toilet that nobody seems to know how to flush. Oh, wait. That belongs in my family letter!

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  8. Wonderful, wonderful letter. I am almost inspired to do a family newsletter for the first time.

    Almost.

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  9. Oh thank you for posting this!! I really don't like Christmas letters! Because everyone in them is *Perfect* they all say how the kids best in class, Dad is the best at work, Mom is *Perfect Mommy* and does everything *perfectly* all in a snide, cutesie manor. Blugh...

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