Thursday, December 15, 2011

Extra Special Christmas Cards

(This is a re-run from last year, but we still love it so...)

It's that time of year again, when we receive holiday greetings from loved ones near and far. Those that are organized can be identified by the fact that their Christmas cards are already stamped, sealed and off in the mail. Other people, like me, use the time they should be spending getting their cards ready and instead scan Awkward Family Photos for the most awesome, kick-ass and totally whucktastic Christmas cards of all time. (Also, I am totally copying my friend the Pregnant Chicken and her hilarious take on awkward pregnancy photos.)


You know what really sets off thirty precious, panting, yippity yap dogs? Even better than a back-drop that looks like the foyer of a Russian casino? Maybe you're thinking matching formal wear, but you would be wrong. Five-foot tall nutcrackers - that's what makes the money shot. Because with that many dogs, I'm guessing industrial size nutcrackers really cut down on neutering costs. But I also think the tiny pooches likely deposited something besides presents next to the nutcrunchers and columns.
Mooooommmm! I thought you said we were going to get our picture taken with Satan. Well since I'm here, I guess I'll tell you what I want this year... Black nail polish, clove cigarettes. Awww... Thanks Santa! Liquid eyeliner would be pretty cool. We won't take you hostage after all. [Editor's note - So that's why Santa looks so happy - he's not being held against his will. - Lydia]
You know the kids in this photo are praying that this Christmas card never makes it to their school. But come on, Mommy's been working out this year. That's why Daddy is grinning like a demented elf (and also why he bought her that kickin' coconut bra). She thought the best way to show off the results of The 30 Day Shred would be to make her entire family pose naked with large leaves covering their junk. Klassy.

I know - I thought this was Kate, too. But it's not. I'm thinking she took her fashion cues from this photo though. Because I don't know anyone else who can rock ankle socks and open-toed flats quite the same way.


Don't tee off the baby's head! But you know what's so awesome about this picture? Other than the fact that this mom is squaring up on her husband and providing the judge with much needed evidence? She already has a prison haircut.


Cute little baby, cute little wife... But there's something strange about Daddy. Like he just got a seasonal job lubing up Santa so he can safely slip down the chimney. And he really, really likes his new job.


As a church-going Christian, I find this image of Mary and Joseph earnestly and lovingly holding a swaddled Boston Terrier Baby Jesus to be totally fricking awesome. Can we please make the Three Wise Men Pomeranians?


"We're the happiest couple in the entire world! We love Christmas! And each other! And blush! And reindeer antler headbands! And our puppy! Puppy? Puppy? Do you need some more anti-depressants? Does wittle Puppy need some of his wittle anti-depwessents?"


Hi Scary! How are you? Do you keep meth in your fanny pouch? And what's in those cookies? We're so sorry but we won't be attending your Christmas party this year because of The Unfortunate Incident where you lost your mind and never got it back. Also, we're pretty sure your back yard holds the corpses of those who attended the party last year and were not wearing festive holiday vests.

"You better quit calling me 'Grandma'. I've never seen you jackholes before in my life. And for the love of Maude, you better take this thing off my head before I paint your back porch red."

(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2010

39 comments:

  1. THANK YOU for the best Monday morning laugh! I SOOO appreciate it since I just found a feverish child to stay home and help mom today! You guys ROCK!

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  2. I saw Pregnant Chicken's post over the weekend and loved it and also love this post. I'm a fan of awkwardfamilyphotos so the shots at PC's were all familiar but these were a little new. Guess I'll pop over there and take a look. I may have to jump on the bandwagon of AWF shots on my page too.
    As usual, you all rock the house with your commentary.

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  3. Mary, Joseph and the boston terrier.....these people are headed to crazy town!!!

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  4. I have.no.words. NONE. The leaves, omygod the leaves. my eyes are bleeding. Can you IMAGINE that conversation?? And both mom and dad agreed? AND now they have to pay for therapy.

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  5. OMG! After all the angst attempting to get my 3 little darlings to ALL look good - 12 year age gap I might add....Well let's just say my card looks AWESOME compared to those above!

    Thanks for the morning laughs. You guys rock!

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  6. The fig leaf photo is just wrong. So very wrong.

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  7. The psycho Russian casino family with the 30 dogs lives in my town and the outside is just as gaudy as the inside. We live in a Victorian inspired Northern New York town which gets a lot of snow, but not to worry...the Russian Casino's grounds have underground heat so the 30 pooches can do their business outside.
    Thanks for the awesome laugh today!

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  8. Are we absolutely sure the fig leaf picture is the mom? Doesn't she look aawwwwwwwfully young? And EW!
    --kate in michigan

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  9. My husband is known amongst our friends for his, um, unusual profile pics on FB. I saw the fig leaf picture and KNEW he would LOVE it. And of course the minute he saw it, he changed his profile pic.

    And as the owner of 2 of my own crazy Boston Terriers, I know what that dog is thinking..."WHUCK?!?!"

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  10. Those are too, too funny!!! Wondering why the Santa with the Goth family is in his skivvies, tho...

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  11. Holy Cow, I had those glasses. I had to look twice and no it is not me, I am pretty sure I would remember the socks with open toed shoes. I may have been a geek, but I drew the line at socks and open toed shoes. btw-my dad took me to pick out the glasses and my mom blew a gasket because they were so ugly.

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  12. One question....are.these.REAL??? Who in their right mind would take and actually post or send any of these. The fig leaves don't just take a slice of the cake they take the whole dern thing! I don't even want to know how that conversation went and how the boys felt standing next to Mom and Dad with nothing but leaves covering the very parts of the parent that kids should never ever see...what if the wind kicked up can you imagine? Who knows maybe they live on a nudist colony so they were being modest for the photo? Thanks for a good giggle!

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  13. Did you notice there's another kid on the left side of the fig leaf picture that was cropped out? Wonder what the rest of that story is...

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  14. Ahhh, thank you sooooo much. I almost spit my coffee out onto the computer. It was $150.00 fix the first time.....

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  15. OK, you had me at "cute little baby, cute little wife..." SNORT!!

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  16. I only wish I had come up with this idea! Thanks for the laugh, guys. It definitely brightened up this too-cold Monday morning.

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  17. I gave up on a perfect Christmas card this year. With three kids under 5, there was no way we were going to get the pretty, everyone happy and smiling photo. So I told everyone to make a funny face. Best. Christmas. Card. EVER! It is hilarious and everyone has loved it.

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  18. This post was sooo much fun! I love the pictures. Personally, I never get my cards out on time. Just ask my teenage daughter about the time I made a Christmas postcard from our Florida vacation to Cocoa Beach. She'll never forgive me for plasting her on the greeting in her tiny bikini then sending it to our entire church congregation!
    This year was quite different. Check out what happened: http://excusemecanitellyousomething.blogspot.com/2010/12/writing-christmas-cards.html

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  19. Buffy has the right idea, for sure. I will definitely be using this next year when maybe my littlest daughter will not scream for her life at the very sight of Santa. My first choice for next year, along with funny faces as Buffy says, is fig leaves and coconut bras for everybody...guess I better get shredding with the rest of you! Yikes!

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  20. Okay - why oh why were those people so mean to that old lady????

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  21. Those are awkward, and funny, until you see this.

    http://www.tressugar.com/Naked-Family-Halloween-Costume-2186559

    Absolutely the most hilarious and wrong costumes I have EVER seen....

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  22. Oh my gollymoses! That is TOTALLY Kate from her youth!! Are those Nutcracker earrings?
    That. Was. Awesome.

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  23. I had a terrible day and just read this post, in bed, while everybody is asleep. I laughed in silence but so hard that my bed was shaking and my husband asked me what the h... was going on?! THANK YOU. The photos are hilarious, but your captions are to die for. THANKS!!!

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  24. Oh great, thanks for introducing me to another time-suck web site - lol.

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  25. The photos can speak for themselves. Snarky commentary says volumes about who you are as a person.

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  26. The caption on the last one made me spit out my coffee. A little warning would have been nice! :)

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  27. It does speak volumes about who she is as a person. She is a fabulous writer who makes so many of us laugh. She brightens our day with her wit and humor. (Kate-the above comment was probably made by the chick in the socks with the open toe shoes. No worries).

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  28. I'm still reeling over naked fig-leaf family.

    NAKED FIG-LEAF FAMILY.

    In Santa hats because why not?

    I'll be sending out cards of my family posing naked, except they will all be wearing those step-in, suspender-style horse costumes, and I'll glues antlers on the horses and on my own "rack," jingle bells.

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  29. Pretty sure I peed my pants and coffee came out of my nose from laughing at these. Very much needed this morning. Thank you. Also, my favorite= the labels are Stupidity and Whuck? LMFAO- not the band.

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  30. and blush! hahahahaha

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  31. I think the mom's leaf looks sort of like a penis and testicles. No?

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  32. I'm pretty sure I had that 80's sweatshirt with the squiggle squares... and the same haircut... and the glasses. Good Lord, is that me?

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  33. Hahahahaaaaaaaa! This gives me some great ideas for our 2012 Christmas card. I hear my resolution forming now...more 30 Day Shred. LMAO!!!

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  34. Wow. Coffee almost came out my nose. So glad I put had just put the 5 week old down. I need to remember you hookers make me laugh so hard I can be dangerous. ;0)

    PS - My two year old just asked, "mommy, are you looking at your funny computer thing again?" Yes, yes I am.

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  35. I'm gonna have to disagree with "anonymous" who thinks the critical trolly comment was written by whitesocksandblackpeep-toeshoesgirl. This comment was definitely written either by somethingsaliloffdudewithcutewifeandcutekid or highlymedicatedreindeeradornedbestdadever, and I'm going with the latter cause the first dude is prolly too busy with his ... uh ... "job" to be trolling the internets. As for the second guy, I would like to say, Welcome! Because even though you would like us to think you set yourself apart from both those who write and those who visit this blog, we all know better. The fact that you read this entire post and felt compelled to comment is an obvious cry for acceptance. Well, you are among friends. Mentall illness does not frighten us, nay, the fact that you hold within you the hidden genetic potential to become the parent of a weiner dog makes you uniquely acceptable here. Welcome, sir, welcome.

    Shanon, I mean anonymous

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  36. Am I the only one amazed and impressed that the first photo they got twenty? Thirty? Dogs to all look at the camera at once? I can't do that with one child. ONE child.

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  37. Holy fuckballs, those are awesome.

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