Thursday, December 9, 2010

Five Questions for Santa

I have written five questions for my kids (a couple of times) and for my husband, but this time of year, I am inclined to question the Big Man himself on a couple of points.

Why do you hate me?
First of all, you’re imaginary - right? So why do you set such a high standard and show me up every year? I am the one person – well, one of many, including everyone in fourth grade at my kids’ school – who can destroy your mystique by being honest with my kids. Yet you seem unable to realize that it’s impossible for me to maintain the magic that my deeply adorable but totally ungrateful children expect from you – from us? Do you know what they’re expecting on Christmas morning? They expect Nirvana – and not the band. They expect a combination of total spiritual enlightenment and Disney World followed by a pancake breakfast. So far, the closest I can get is *possibly* smelling like teen spirit.

Can we discuss what is meant by “naughty,” and how that applies to adults?
Let me be specific – what is your position on the consumption of wine? Also, parents who yell at their kids but only when they’re on Facebook provoked and then they feel immediately really guilty about it? Is it considered naughty if you’re so bad at laundry that maybe once or twice your kids have had to wear opposite gender undies because there were no clean underpants in their gender specific dresser? Is it naughty to be a raging B to your husband because he stomped around getting ready for work when you were trying to sleep because he didn’t have clean dress shirts? Are you willing to make exceptions for people who haven’t slept through the night in seven-and-a-half years? Because if that were a mitigating factor in naughtiness assessment, that would be awesome.

Does this guy actually work for you?
This is the elf on the shelf. At our house he is called Buddy. This little guy helps to keep our children in line because Buddy is essentially your informant and uses the threat of withholding toys as an incentive for getting the little people to march in order. Buddy is like a Cold War-era Stasi agent making sure everyone in the village toes the party line of goodness. Be good children, or Buddy the Elf will tell Santa about what you did with mommy’s lipstick. My friend Rebekah called Buddy a stabitty prison snitch, and I can sort of see her point. But I like him, except for the fact that I am forever forgetting to move him. Because (and maybe this falls under the why do you hate me category) why did you make one of the rules of having him that he needs to be in a new spot each morning in order to be discovered by the children? And every damn night I forget. I have had to make up some very creative stories about how Buddy only moved an inch last night in order to test their ability to observe crap. Thanks Buddy.

Can we take live animals off the table?
I don’t mean that literally. It’s not about eating them – or not eating them. I mean can we just agree that my house is currently not a good place for ponies or puppies or kittens or hamsters or swimmy things like fish or salamanders? We have a cat and the specter of a recently deceased dog. We’re good. So can you brief your minions that if my kids ask for a live animal on our annual lap-sitting/toy begging/photo op that they should just say no and shut them down? Tell them maybe next year and take a little pressure off of me? Help a momma out, please. Thanks a million.

And... That's what she said.
 Is this OK?
Here’s the scenario. You come down the chimney or whatever (Kate says that technically what you’re doing is breaking and entering), and you find home-made cookies and a nice single malt. Next to the cozy chair and your snack, there are some carrots for the reindeer. Next to the carrots, 4 to 6 loads of laundry that require folding and putting away. Because if I was allowed to write you a letter asking you for things, I would ask for a few days off from the laundry. Not a year. Just a few days. If you’re real and you’re magic (and not in league with Randy the Laundry Fairy), then you won’t mind.

Thanks Santa. You’re the best.

xo, Lydia

(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2010


  1. I want an elf.... where can get one?? I'm that pathetic.... all I want is the use over the kids for the next year..... Damn it, I'm about to SURRENDER..... Hang-on, I think I already did, I just didn't realise it.....

  2. Snicker! I love that list - especially the part about being naughty AND the laundry.

    Randy is the laundry fairy? Sorry, I read his name wrong... associated him with the naughty part... tee hee hee!!


  3. Thank holy mother, the mall near me has a Santa that so sweetly shuts down requests for live animals. He's an awesome mall Santa. I think he says that reindeer can't fly with animals on the sleigh or some such crap. Whatever it was, my kid fell for it!

  4. Rachel - they have them at Barnes and Noble (among other places)...ours is named Alfie. It only kind of works on my kids.

  5. Hey Rachel! You can get the Elf on the Shelf at Barnes and Noble- I think amazon also has him. Ours is named Rupert and I forgot to move him the very first night this year. Sigh. We told the kids that teh bookshelf he was on was not here last year and he must have really liked it to come back to it after his trip to the North Pole- ha!

  6. I have 10 year old twins, so they don't believe in Santa and I found the elf in my daughter's laptop with the lid closed on his head, nice kid huh? Guess the magic is over at our house.

  7. I am in love with this blog. And if I didn't know for certain that I am too lazy,er, I mean, busy to have done so, I'd be convinced that I wrote every post on here. Word for word. (You are spying on me, right?)

  8. i told my kids a similar story - no live animals on the sleigh - poop issues. :) so now they are asking for "furreal" animals! dang.

  9. "smells like teen spirit..." good times, on so many levels. That one really got me in the holiday spirit. ;)

  10. I have been blessed with a child who is afraid of "Elfris" (our elf on the shelf) and she has asked that he #1: never enter her room and #2: return to his exact same spot, in the box, every night. So pretty much I get to use the threat value ("Elfris is watching you!!") and will also be able to sell him on Ebay next year as "new in box". Awesome!

  11. Our Elf doesnt move much either we just told our kids that Carol only goes to see Santa when there is something good to say. Doesnt really matter though our kids dont care about the elf.

  12. Just thought I'd mention that Santa can't bring live animals. Think of the mess they'd make with all the other toys for children. Not to mention, puppies and kitties could easily fall out of the sleigh while Santa is zipping around the neighborhood. Christmas morning with a bunch of cute corpses is not a great idea.

  13. Ah Santa, The Magical Man who can do anything.... This year I asked my son what he wanted for Christmas and he had two things, a huge display case..... (what?) and Gormiti action figures. But not the ones you buy in the stores, he wanted Gormiti action figures that Santa had magically changed into different poses and that held weapons. Uh.......

  14. yeah, Santa dangles promises while he leaves the hard part for us. I also wrote him a letter explaining that he needs a Chuck Norris roundhouse to the head if he keeps this schmidt up! Thanks for the support girls!! As usual, love the post!

  15. stay away from the elf. they'll ruin your life. Santa really truly does hate you if one shows up. If one does, have him kidnapped and leave ransom note. Don't pay it. Been there, done that. Frickin' elves.

  16. The other day my daughter told us that for Christmas she would like Santa to come to our house and clean our bathrooms. That says a lot...none of it is good. And honey, me too.

  17. read this to my honey....and the post about "questions for my husband" and got to say...he laughed REALLY HARD! Guess you hit the nail on the head w/ these! hahaha He is now a fan!

  18. Great list! Thanks for the chuckle!




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