Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Five *Useful* Mom Inventions

Kate and Guru Louise spent WAY too much time on the phone last week. Plotting. Mostly about how we can con our husbands into moving to the same town. But also about stuff that would make our lives so much easier, without *actually* loaning the children to the circus.

If you’re anything like us, your house is full of kid gear, most of it useless. Why is there all this crap? Is any of it actually making our jobs as mothers any easier or is it just creating more work and opportunities for child deviance? Right now, GL's daughter is cackling as she shoves broken crayons into an unused diaper genie and Happy is unfolding the laundry, piece by piece.

We present to you five useful inventions designed for the modern mom:

  1. Baby Roomba. You know when your baby goes from an adorable blob of goo who stays put on a soft baby blanket to one that *magically* rolls under the couch? That's the same moment that you need to. put. them. to. work. Start by dressing the baby in a head-to-toe outfit made entirely of Swiffer material. Then let 'em loose. They will invariably travel away from their colorful, developmentally appropriate toys on the vacuumed rug to do full-body explorations of the dirtiest, dingiest corners of the house…so why not make them gather dust bunnies while they’re at it? Even better, make a second outfit entirely out of Velcro, and adhere squares of the opposite Velcro to your other kids' toys. Ta-daa! Clean playroom. You're welcome.
  1. Dora Child Bidet. Do we even need to explain this one? We are tired of wiping. We are tired of touching poo. And we are tired of Dora. Let’s combine two of the evils of motherhood and create a themed line of child-sized bidets! This is really a win/win invention because your child can clean himself with no help from you AND Dora can actually be of use. Oh, and there should be a bidet of that damn monkey, too.
  1. Fun Bags. Breastfeeding is SO MUCH FUN that this invention allows Dad to share the physical pleasure of nursing a hungry infant. Brought to you by the company who makes CamelBaks, Fun Bags are bladders of milk that hang off of your husband’s chest like two heavy, rock-hard saddle bags full of liquid goodness. For added authenticity, the bags come with an electrode device that hooks up to Dad’s man parts. Each time the baby latches-on, Dad can get a nice ‘shock’ right in the junk. Possible downside? You may occasionally catch your husband absentmindedly feeling *himself* up. [Editor's Note: I tried to find a picture of this, but it was all porn-y. I think my computer now has an STD. Gross. -Kate]
  1. All-in-One Drive-Thru. If we have to spend one more morning stopping at six different establishments to accomplish errands with all the children in tow, we're going to lose our collective schmidt. Seriously, how many times can you force kids back into their car seats before they either decide to be flag-pole stiff or play jelly-baby and go totally limp on you? And once they’re in the stores they are off-their-rockers whack. Which makes other people give you the stink eye. Which really just pisses us off and makes us feel the need to explain. But it's really hard to go, "Suck It. But it's really that he's just tired."  What we need is an all-in-one stop for  errands. Please, will someone open a drive-thru bank/dry cleaner/pharmacy/Target/Starbucks/liquor store? Because there's no way even Hulk Hogan couldn't wrestle those kids into their carseats one more time...and if you can get clever enough to clean my teeth, give me a pap smear and vaccinate the dog, even yesser.
  1. Angry Mom Channel: We're tired of being the villain. The heavy. The keeper of the rules and the doler-outer of punishments. Let someone else do it. An electronic someone else. And since the children only know how to really pay attention to the television, may we suggest discipline come directly from there. Are the kids punching each other? Suddenly a face comes on TV that says "One. [pause] TWOOOOO..." Chances are, they'll cut it out. Angry Mom Channel will also come equipped with "Don't make me come down there" and "Wait until your father gets home" and "Will you cut it out for the love of Maude!" settings. And, as a final resort to bad behavior, the ultimate punishment: "That's IT! I've had enough. Go to bed!" and automatically shuts the TV off. 
We're pretty sure that, given these contraptions, we'd all be better moms, healthier, saner and possibly better looking. Well, at a minimum, our boobs would be somewhere closer to our necks rather than our knees.

Stupid gravity.

We would invent them ourselves, but we're ever so slightly busy. You know, finding out when the circus is coming to town.

    (c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2010

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