Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Five *Useful* Mom Inventions

Kate and Guru Louise spent WAY too much time on the phone last week. Plotting. Mostly about how we can con our husbands into moving to the same town. But also about stuff that would make our lives so much easier, without *actually* loaning the children to the circus.

If you’re anything like us, your house is full of kid gear, most of it useless. Why is there all this crap? Is any of it actually making our jobs as mothers any easier or is it just creating more work and opportunities for child deviance? Right now, GL's daughter is cackling as she shoves broken crayons into an unused diaper genie and Happy is unfolding the laundry, piece by piece.

We present to you five useful inventions designed for the modern mom:

  1. Baby Roomba. You know when your baby goes from an adorable blob of goo who stays put on a soft baby blanket to one that *magically* rolls under the couch? That's the same moment that you need to. put. them. to. work. Start by dressing the baby in a head-to-toe outfit made entirely of Swiffer material. Then let 'em loose. They will invariably travel away from their colorful, developmentally appropriate toys on the vacuumed rug to do full-body explorations of the dirtiest, dingiest corners of the house…so why not make them gather dust bunnies while they’re at it? Even better, make a second outfit entirely out of Velcro, and adhere squares of the opposite Velcro to your other kids' toys. Ta-daa! Clean playroom. You're welcome.
  1. Dora Child Bidet. Do we even need to explain this one? We are tired of wiping. We are tired of touching poo. And we are tired of Dora. Let’s combine two of the evils of motherhood and create a themed line of child-sized bidets! This is really a win/win invention because your child can clean himself with no help from you AND Dora can actually be of use. Oh, and there should be a bidet of that damn monkey, too.
  1. Fun Bags. Breastfeeding is SO MUCH FUN that this invention allows Dad to share the physical pleasure of nursing a hungry infant. Brought to you by the company who makes CamelBaks, Fun Bags are bladders of milk that hang off of your husband’s chest like two heavy, rock-hard saddle bags full of liquid goodness. For added authenticity, the bags come with an electrode device that hooks up to Dad’s man parts. Each time the baby latches-on, Dad can get a nice ‘shock’ right in the junk. Possible downside? You may occasionally catch your husband absentmindedly feeling *himself* up. [Editor's Note: I tried to find a picture of this, but it was all porn-y. I think my computer now has an STD. Gross. -Kate]
  1. All-in-One Drive-Thru. If we have to spend one more morning stopping at six different establishments to accomplish errands with all the children in tow, we're going to lose our collective schmidt. Seriously, how many times can you force kids back into their car seats before they either decide to be flag-pole stiff or play jelly-baby and go totally limp on you? And once they’re in the stores they are off-their-rockers whack. Which makes other people give you the stink eye. Which really just pisses us off and makes us feel the need to explain. But it's really hard to go, "Suck It. But it's really that he's just tired."  What we need is an all-in-one stop for  errands. Please, will someone open a drive-thru bank/dry cleaner/pharmacy/Target/Starbucks/liquor store? Because there's no way even Hulk Hogan couldn't wrestle those kids into their carseats one more time...and if you can get clever enough to clean my teeth, give me a pap smear and vaccinate the dog, even yesser.
  1. Angry Mom Channel: We're tired of being the villain. The heavy. The keeper of the rules and the doler-outer of punishments. Let someone else do it. An electronic someone else. And since the children only know how to really pay attention to the television, may we suggest discipline come directly from there. Are the kids punching each other? Suddenly a face comes on TV that says "One. [pause] TWOOOOO..." Chances are, they'll cut it out. Angry Mom Channel will also come equipped with "Don't make me come down there" and "Wait until your father gets home" and "Will you cut it out for the love of Maude!" settings. And, as a final resort to bad behavior, the ultimate punishment: "That's IT! I've had enough. Go to bed!" and automatically shuts the TV off. 
We're pretty sure that, given these contraptions, we'd all be better moms, healthier, saner and possibly better looking. Well, at a minimum, our boobs would be somewhere closer to our necks rather than our knees.

Stupid gravity.

We would invent them ourselves, but we're ever so slightly busy. You know, finding out when the circus is coming to town.

    (c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2010

    48 comments:

    1. OMG...yes! I'm mostly interested in the all-in-one drive thru. My child is so at that stage where I can't take him ANYWHERE without a fight...sigh. You ladies rock my world.

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    2. ROFL!!!! I want Angry Mom Television!!!

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    3. bwaaaahahahahahahaha! I swear this is my life today. Dragging a surly 3 yr old to preschool with a 1 yr old who just wants to wiggle was awesome. And seriously? I could use every single one of these ideas. Esp the angry mom channel. Sheesh!

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    4. The "fun bags" and a version of your "baby roomba" already exist. And a few other products that are both creepy and awesome. =) http://www.cracked.com/article_16475_20-baby-products-great-traumatizing-infants_p2.html

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    5. lmao!!!!!!!! hilarious as usual. can I preorder one of those Dora bidets please

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    6. This post perfectly sums up all my needs. Awesome. May I add the need for an industrial strength diaper incenerator? Because why should my house really smell like poo all the time, even after the kid's potty trained due to ghostly poo-smell staining near where the diaper genie was.

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    7. OMG, my fellow moms and I were just discussing the drive through at the bus stop the other day. When I was a kid there was a drive through convenience store near our house. We always stopped by for milk/eggs/bread when we were on our way back from vacation. Looking back, I wonder why my mom didn't shop there all.the.time. It was probably triple the price, but I would so totally pay it now. My friends and I decided we need one of those near our neighborhood and we are currently seeking investors. Also, I came up with the Swiffer Suit idea years ago, but you are welcome to market it ;-) Keep up the good work, ladies!

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    8. I immediately thought, "a auto butt-wiper" as soon as I saw the title. Poop is obviously a universal menace.

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    9. Also of note: My "Secret Word" to prove I'm human was "flava" which is an odd juxtaposition to the universal poop menace.

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    10. Funny! but I had to add a tip regarding #3, that may be useful for women who will be having another baby -- homeopathic Arnica works well for reducing or eliminating afterbirth pains (which are made worse by breastfeeding).

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    11. I can't believe that the Swiffer Baby Onsie is *still* not sold in stores!! We thought of that when my oldest was crawling around...THE. BEST.

      Start thinking of a name for the drive thru...you will make a FORTUNE...

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    12. OMG! I laughed so hard! as always you guys are the best and help this mom to feel better, less lonely and more sane!

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    13. I want a mute button for my two. They talk constantly! And ask questions like, "What is time? Where did time come from?" A muzzle would be too cruel . . . right?

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    14. I love all of these. I have two more:
      - Kid Dresser 2000. A machine that you put your kid in, and it dresses them head-to-toe in mere seconds. Optional upgrade: The Snowsuiter.
      - A portable, pop-up, soundproof rubber room. For mom when she needs to lose her schmidt in public, or for those kid-turned-demon moments. Go crazy kid.

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    15. One more: Tampons with a timer. But I'm older than you both. Believe me, you're gonna need 'em.

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    16. yes to all the above. i'd also like to add a privacy screen for my odyssey as well as a car sitting service at my most frequently shopped stores. this way i'd wouldn't hear the whining on the way there and once they've finally whined themselves to sleep i'd be able to pull up to say costco, beep my horn and some grandma type would approach my car with a magazine and sit in the car with the sleeping child while i shop in peace :)

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    17. lol. Totally awesome ideas.

      In addition to the all-in-one drive-thru, could we add an automatic carseat buckler so that when my son goes stiff-straight, the carseat sucks him down and straps him in so I can stop feeling so mean at forcing him to sit.

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    18. My inventions would all be considered inappropriate and evil, but I have always thought there should be sprayable Valium (for either kids or mommy, I can't decide), and perhaps a kids training collar. Not to shock them (because, wow, that would be cruel), but I have seen collars that spray dogs for barking, so it seems we could easily expand on that theme somehow. Maybe spray the kids with soapy water when they are naughty, so they can get clean at the same time?

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    19. I would love a vacuum cleaner installed IN my car. Retractable hose, flip a switch, always there when you need it. Goldfish be gone!

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    20. Thanks for the wonderful laugh! I think Angry Mom TV would be awesome since my kiddos like to stare blankly at the TV, not hearing anything I say to them.
      On a side note, I had a 'Lydia moment' the other day when a friend complimented my hair and I said, 'Thanks. I washed my hair this morning, so it's CLEAN.' ;-)

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    21. http://owni.eu/2010/11/08/top-48-ads-that-would-never-be-allowed-today/

      thought you girls would enjoy these....

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    22. Drive through doctor.. So I don't have to haul all my children into cootyville so they can all come home with worse illnesses than we started out with.

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    23. I want the time machine device from Quantum Leap. So when my kids do something awesome like like drop a dozen raw eggs on the floor or spill a Sonic slush on my bed, I can go back and stop it, like the black death it is.

      I can also go back in time to BC (Before Children)and take one of those Sunday afternoon naps, or just get a good night's sleep so I can feel what it's like to not be dog-ass tired every. second. of the day.

      And I can go back and appreciate the figure I had before birthing and nursing a house full of kids, when I was so worried about my appearance and how my *then perfect* boobies fit so nicely on the inside of my bra and not sliding down underneath it, to my navel, yet now I leave the house in yoga pants and boobstained shirts without giving it a thought. Yes, I'd love to have self esteem again!

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    24. I just want a window between me and the kids in my van, sorta like a limo window, that I can shut so that 1. I don't have to hear their music, 2. I don't have to hear them all repeating the same chant over and over again (as in "Jingle bells, Batman smells.... for the 67th time), 3. I don't have to hear their yelling when they look at each other wrong and 4. I don't have to hear the whining to go to McD when, no, for the 422nd time, we are NOT going to McD today!!! Sigh.... I need a separator. And they each need a mute button, too.

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    25. In Nova Scotia they DO have drive through liquor stores ... just sayn

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    26. LOL, these are hilareous! How about an auto-nanny, push a button and she's there for those 10 minute trips where it takes an hour to get everyone out the door/in the car/etc and all you really need is to go to the store for @#$%% butter. You just want another adult in the house for 10 flippin' minutes so you can just go and come back without the epic battle in between.

      Oh, and @Lydia (and any other mamas who have Star-Wars obsessed children) Here is a way to get Lefty interested in Christmas craft time: http://dancell.cwahi.net/star-wars-paper-snowflakes-instructions.html

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    27. You ladies are awesome! I don't have any great invention that makes my life easier, just a simple discovery. I think that all toys should be made to serve a purpose around the house as well as being entertaining to kids, for example: The Lightsaber. It should totally be standard issue with any washing machine because that is the only way I ever get out all of the socks that have fallen back there!

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    28. You know, the Angry Mom Channel would be easier to do than you'd think. Any mom with a webcam or video camera could record themselves saying the "appropriate" phrases, burn to DVD and insert into DVD player when you've had enough! ;)

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    29. 4 and 5 are awesome!!!!

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    30. I would like an angry mom tv but I would also like it to have have settings for angry wife like
      "Take the trash out...not later NOW!" that turns on right in the middle of a television show or video game :)

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    31. OH. You are the BEST people ever.

      Ever.

      Things I have discovered that DON'T work:

      vacuuming the ashes out of the fireplace. There's a reason people use little shovels and buckets. Really.

      Using the feather duster on a ceiling fan. WHile it's going. Don't try it.

      AN invention waiting to happen:
      a little red and white candy stripe GATE that you can put up around the Christmas tree. No more kids trying to gnaw on the pretty "candies" that are really the electric lights.

      "Liquid Shoes and Socks." Just a bucket you keep by the front door into which you dip your child's feet. Voila, they are shod!

      Tampons with timers? Genius!

      Laundry auto-sorter. Why should we have to remember whose damn socks are whose? Ugh. Maybe some kind of ultraviolet marks would work.

      A way to remotely TURN ON a turned-off cellphone, so you can call yourself and FIND THE DAMNED THING. Seriously. We can invent satellites that can unlock a car door from SPACE. Why can't we use our landline to call the cellphone and have a remote code to tell it to WAKE UP and MAKE NOISE???

      --kate in Michigan

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    32. OH: another thing.
      You know how vacuums and floor scrubbers have those attachments so you can detach a little hose and spot-scrub your couch or the stairs? WHy not invent a lawnmower that has an attached weed whacker? I have an electric mower, and I could just stop for a second and whack around that one tree in the front yard and NOT have to remember to drag out the whacker LATER. Which I never do. Which is probably why chipmunks now live happily in the tangle of brush that surrounds my tree. Sigh.
      ==kate in michigan

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    33. Oh I want a Baby Roomba soooo much. That would seriously decrease my work load by 90%.

      And now I'm stuck with a mental picture of a drive-thru pap smear. Thank you. Thank you very much.

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    34. My kids would use the bidet as a drinking fountain. I can't decide if I love the idea (no longer listening to the whine of "I need a driiiiink!") or if it totally grosses me out. It may be worth it.

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    35. I need a pair of mommy earplugs. They need to cancel out any un-necissary whining, screaming and fighting and let me hear the important stuff. I go to bed every night with ringing ears because of thesse children, I think I'm going to be deaf by the time I'm 35 if they keep it up!

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    36. DH says we need a remote programmed with "sit down", "eat your food", "stop touching each other", "stop running", etc. because I'm nearly hoarse (and insane) every day saying the same things over and over.

      I'm with the commenter on the auto-nanny. It takes a good 45 minutes to get the kids ready and to the car. In my BC (before children) days, I could have been there 3 times by then.

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    37. and stamps.
      every drive thru should sell stamps.
      i'll pay extra.

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    38. 1. Yes.
      2. Even yesser. Kids love playing with water, they will have the cleanest behinds ever.
      3. First should be the pregnancy belly, which grows steadily over 9 months but then refuses to go away afterwards. Nausea and bladder weakness included.
      4. Please.
      5. I'm at the stage when I need the "angry mom computer" which automatically turns off yelling "Go to bed!", "Do your homework!", "Get dressed for football!"...as required.

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    39. All I really want is for someone to invent a toilet that has ZERO nooks or crannies. NONE! I have 4 boys. Cleaning up pee crusties has consumed my entire life. *pathetic sigh*

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    40. This comment has been removed by the author.

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    41. Fiona from AustraliaDecember 8, 2010 at 7:45 PM

      Even better, make a second outfit entirely out of Velcro, and adhere squares of the opposite Velcro to your other kids' toys. Ta-daa! Clean playroom!!!
      I seriously need this device!! I spend more time tidying the playroom than I do the WHOLE REST OF MY HOUSE!!!! :(

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    42. i almost peed my pants i was laughing so hard at this. in fact, i loved it so much I linked it to my own blog. (that's not illegal if I give you credit right?) oh great, now i'm going to have a law suit on my hands. At least I got a good laugh in beforehand!

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    43. I about died at "Seriously, how many times can you force kids back into their car seats before they either decide to be flag-pole stiff or play jelly-baby and go totally limp on you? And once they’re in the stores they are off-their-rockers whack."

      So ridiculously true. LMAO

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    44. I want the Mean Mommy channel ... and wondering if Guru Louise has a blog somewhere?

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    45. @loeywinans ... wow, those ads are terrible!

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    46. Definitely need the Angry Mommy Channel! I also mention all the time (especially when subbing at the elementary) that a spray Valium would make life so much calmer! ;o) LOL!

      Now, LatinMama mentioned the Limo divider thingy...I actually push the non-existent button on my car's ceiling that would activate this all.the.time! My kids think it's hilarious when they seem me do it, and laugh even more when I push it multiple times wondering why it isn't working. They get a good laugh and they forget what they were fighting about...almost as good as having the real thing...almost.

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