Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Giving Thanks...and Footwear

So, as Lydia mentioned earlier today, I kinda went AWOL two weeks ago and was probably about 71% of the reason she ripped open a t-box rather than just opening the spigot.

Before I left, she helped me scramble to get everything done in time. When I was gone, I texted her about ten thousand times about stuff that needed to be done but I couldn't do. And then, the day before we came back, I called her and asked if she'd just drop everything and come pick us up at the airport. To which she wrote:


Dear Kate,

You are a jackhole. Please familiarize yourself with yellow sedans. Stupid.

xoxo Lydia

Actually, no. She should have written that, but she didn't. She called, with that voice that says "you got arrested again didn't you?" and agreed to drop everything and get in the car. Because I apparently have a thing against cabs.

Lydia: You're such a hooker. But I know if you weren't working, you'd come get us at the airport, so I'll be there.
Kate: That's so funny, because I totally wouldn't. [laughs] No, I'm just kidding. Of course I'd come. [pauses] You ARE coming, right?
Lydia: So, how do I get there. I've never been to that airport before. But let's be clear, I expect treats and gifts.

Which. Means. Shoes.

I left a pair of awesome (awesome?) clogs on her front door. She called and said she was returning them. Even though she was wearing them when she called. Which was right in the middle of my phone call from American Express. They were concerned.

AmEx: Hello Kate. This is American Express calling. Do you need to report a stolen credit card?
Me: What? No.
AmEx: Please say "cranberry" if you are under duress or being held against your will.
Me: Huh? I'm ummm...I'm in my kitchen.
AmEx: Your card has just been flagged.
Me: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Yeah, I just bought some clogs. They're a gift.
AmEx: Thank you. Though you might want to inform us when you're about to make unusual purchases.

I'm thinking about going out and buying a big vat of cranberries. Mostly because I keep imagining that when they call the next time, the special word will be "clogs".

It's a pretty safe bet. Maude knows Lydia is planning on using them to wound me in a very special way.

(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2010

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