Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Hair Dryer: Parenting Fail

When Happy was just about old enough to walk, he developed a strange affinity for the vacuum cleaner. Every time I'd get it out, he'd sit on it, wrap his arms around the handle and go for a ride.

It wasn't as wrong as that sentence makes it sound.

The point is...very loud vacuum cleaner? No problem. My hair dryer? Potential torture device.

I'll be getting ready and within about 14 seconds of turning it on, he's protesting equally as loudly from the opposite side of my bed. "No hair dryer. Turn it off! IT'SSSSSSSSSSSSSS TOOOOOOOOO LOOOOOOUUUUUUUUDDDDDDDD!"

And then I turn it off and we negotiate.

Me: Dude, I have to dry my hair. Ten minutes.
Happy: It's so loud
Me: How about the low setting? It'll take longer.
Happy: How about no?
Me: Then my hair will look like this. [point at quickly frizzing hair and *awesome* cowlicks]
Happy: You can drop me off at school.

Even when I close my door and the door to the upstairs AND Happy's bedroom door is shut, I can still hear him on the baby monitor. "I. Don't Like. Your. Hair. Dry. ER!" and stomp on the floor.

The other day, the children and I were, well -- at war. We had about 9 minutes to get through breakfast, teeth brushing and shoes on before the timer went off to leave for school. Happy had decided to use that morning to indocrinate us all in what may be called Toothbrush Baptism. He'd get his toothbrush wet, very carefully carry it into wherever we were and *fwip!* it at us. Lefty lost his mind. There were threats of side kicks and axe chops and spitting. I marched upstairs with my hair dryer.

Me: [to Happy] HEY! [holds up Senor Conair] Recognize this?
Happy: [drops toothbrush]
Me: You will stop right now, or I'm gonna turn this thing on.
Happy: [nods slowly]
Me:  [still holding it, like it's high noon or something] Toothbrush away. Shoes on. Get your backpack. Slowly and quietly walk to the car.

That night, while they were brushing their teeth, Happy re-commenced with the baptisms. My hair dryer was still sitting in McGee's room where I had dropped it when we left for school. I picked it up, plugged it in and - for about a half a second - turned it on.

I'm pretty sure we don't ever have to worry about baptisms again. At least, not the toothbrush kind.





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