Friday, December 10, 2010

Happy Birthday -- You're Old

Today is my -- being Kate's -- birthday, which would be awesome were it not for the fact that I really have no use for birthdays. Well, no. I'm all about other people's birthdays. Just not my own. Unless Jimmy and the Christians are showing up to bestow me with shoes and couture, I pretty much just want to tap a "vintage" t-box -- that being, one leftover from the Taste Testing Party [Editor's Note: Hey, no judging...there's that plastic baggy thing for a reason, even though the box says to discard after two weeks. Whuck? Throw out wine? I think not. - Kate] -- and watch an episode (or six) of Law & Order.

It didn't help that this is what I've heard for the past week:
  • Happy told his teacher that Mommy's birthday was coming up. She asked if he knew how old Mommy was. "Yes. She's forty-eighty hundred one million." Teacher: "Wow! She looks great for that age." Happy: "No she doesn't."
  • Lefty asked what kind of cake we were having for my birthday. Me: "Well, whatever kind you want to make..." Lefty: [sighs] "Great. So what you're saying is that there won't be cake." Me: "You don't want to make one for me?" Lefty: "Mom, we eat the cake. You make the cake."
  • McGee: "Mom, don't forget you're on dish duty for youth group. I know it's your birthday, so maybe they'll let you dry instead of wash."
McLovin decided that it would be fun to invite some friends over for drinks and snacks and cake. So, he sent out a message via evite. And, because my friends are *awesome* they are all coming. Which is like 80 people. Which ceases to be a little snack and drink thing and becomes a crap-we-have-to-clean-and-buy-a-ton-of-stuff MASSIVE addition to my Christmas To Do List. Which is already super long. And, as I pointed out when I wrote the list, it only works if you don't add anything substantial to it, like sick kids or trips out of town. Or impromptu parties.

Now, don't get me wrong, the fact that McLovin is doing this is super sweet and very cool and I get to see everyone all at the same time, and drink my favorite drink all afternoon and evening. And then he's taking me to see a super chick-y movie afterward. Which he doesn't know about yet but is sooooo going to happen.

However, the past week, he's written all over my whiteboard in the kitchen -- and it's a huge list of things to do. Like buy the booze, and forks and cups and acquire enough wine glasses and find a babysitter that's wiilling to keep an eye on the approximately 40 children that will be at my house. For four hours. Can I afford that? How many pairs of shoes equals four hours times forty children. I'm ballparking here, but it's somewhere around six million.

And he says things like, "we need to remember to order the cake..." and you may already know my feelings about the word "we" when he really means "well, I'll be at work and you're home all day, so...." But, again, I'm loving that he's doing this and so I put aside all my "way to blow up my list, dude" attitude and got all stoked that my friends were making shifts in their plans to come hang out with me...

And now I know why...

For the past few days, he's come home with status reports. "The Coupons are coming...and so is The Whooziwhatits and the Thingamajigs..." and I kept thinking how awesome that was, especially when it's just a little birthday and it's not like it's a pivotal one or anything. And then I had coffee with my friend Dorothy, who we introduced a long time ago, and who I love because she, unlike me and every other person on -- ummm, earth -- is Surrender Immune.

Dorothy: So, we loved the evite McLovin sent...
Me: Oh, I never saw it. What did it say?
Dorothy: [laughs] Oh, that explains it then.
Me: What?
Dorothy: It totally looks like you're turning 40. [Editor's Note: Which. I'm. Not. -Kate]
Me: WHAT?!
Dorothy: Yeah, it says "Kate and her shoes are turning thirty-blank" and then has a question mark at the end. So, unless I knew better, I'd assume you're turning forty.
Me: [mouth hanging open] Oh, you gotta be kidding me. So, when I get all, "no, I"m not 40 yet..." people are gonna be like "sure thing, Fancy - whatever you say..." aren't they?
Dorothy: Yep.
Me: And then when I actually turn 40, they'll think I'm full of crap and lying about my age.
Dorothy: Yep.
Me: You're enjoying this, aren't you?
Dorothy: Yep.

And then Lydia and Ellen got in on the Kate-is-Turning-40-Even-Though-She-Isn't bandwagon and now they're buying freakin' Geritol and Metamucil and Polident even though I still don't know what those things do...

When I asked McLovin about it, he laughed. Evil-y. And the thing is, I'm fine about turning forty. When. I. Actually. Do. Which is not this year.

So, I just want to say thank you in advance for all the crap I'm about to get about my age, and my fake age and all the adult diapers and pills that help you poo and ginseng and support bras and all that stuff that's about to flood my house. I'll be re-wrapping it and giving it to McLovin for his birthday next February.

When he turns 100.

xoxo, Kate

(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2010


  1. whoa ... McLovin is so evil! I hate it when my hubby says we should have an impromptu gathering because it always means i freak out because the house is a mess and we don't have any snacks or enough booze and of course somehow that's my job even though it was his idea ... whew. I totally agree on regifting everything to that sneaky snitch!

  2. OMG... I'm CRYING because I'm laughing so hard. I'm sorry... but that is It sounds like something Grumptastic would do. Or one of my Darling Daughters. Happy birthday from your friend in Vegas!!!!!! (Maybe when you actually turn 40, you should make McLovin' bring you out here and we can party like we're in our 20's.)

  3. the cake part is totally this house. I'd make ya a great cake if you were in my neck of the woods! :o)

  4. Happy Birthday! My wish for you is that today you get to (dare I say it?) pee alone!

    You da bomb.

  5. My mom gave me presents like that when I turned 30. Dumb idea, seeing that she turned 60 2 years later. I re-wrapped all the stuff, in Christmas paper and told her it had been aged appropriately for her to use. Guessing I won't see that kind of stuff when I turn 40! :)

  6. You young'un! Take lots of pictures so when you're old and fat, you can remember when you THOUGHT you were old and fat but were in fact, FABULOUS!

  7. They say it's your Birthday. It's my birthday too!! It really is! Have a terrific day. I plan on it!!

  8. Happy Birthday, Kate! Mine was Tuesday... December birthdays. Blegh. Too much interference with the Holidays.

    And also? Horses head in McLovin's bed.

  9. Oh Lord, time to hit up Costco! Booze, party trays, and cake. You're covered!

  10. Happy birthday, Kate! And McLovin deserves whatever is coming to him on HIS birthday :)

  11. Happy Birthday Kate and Law Momma. My birthday is tomorrow. Still in the 30's; I guess now on the wrong side of 30. But still, Sag birthday gals are killer because they most certainly are the life of the party.

    And most likely get the "Lampshade Award" or the "That Girl Award".

    "Lampshade Award": the person at the party who would be the joker, get blitzed and then wear a lampshade on their head (more likely to happen at a Mad Men Christmas party).

    "That Girl": Humiliatingly drunk, obnoxious lush at bar or party. As in "Did you see THAT girl last night, WOW?".

    Comon' Kate - Be THAT girl!

  12. Happy Birthday Birthday Buddy!! The 10th is a great day for a birthday :)

  13. The "we" it! "Did we bring the trash out to the street?" (Hmmm, unless he remembers the two of us rolling the can up the driveway in tandem, I would fathom the answer! So why is he asking me this, and why do the veins on his forehead bulge when I answer in this fashion?)

    PS --I just turned 40 -- not so bad! Don't worry about it, even when it does happen, in, oh, about 10 years or so... ;)

  14. Just some "wine" for thought...but if you have left over t-boxes (why I have no idea you'd have any leftovers but whatever..) you can make ICE CUBES with the wine so it doesn't go bad...yeah it's wonderful and "stay's good"! So take those old tboxes mix up some wine cubes and enjoy at you're not 40th birthday party!! :)

  15. Ferking LOVE it when he invites a bunch of people over for MY birthday! So I get to spend all week cleaning and buying booze, food and yes, my own flippng cake...and then he gets mad cuz I'm snarky and says "what? Didn't I do a super nice thing for you for your birthday??" He doesn't get that HE made a few phone calls...and *I* got to do EVERYTHING else! Another case where the fairies come and magically do everything while he's at work...

    LOVE the "we" thing....

  16. Honey wasn't that a lot of work to try and get around having your age on the internet?


    HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  17. O Honey! Your man owes you BIG TIME. I hope you have an awesome birthday!

  18. Honestly? My husband would be in hurt city if he did that. I'm still in my "early" 30's, and have no qualms about my age. I know 35 and 40 are rapidly approaching, and am kinda looking forward to them. (only kinda, because I would love to give my inlaws their 'own' grandchild, biologically, but realize I'm getting old enough it's not as feasible as it once was).

    As for the "we" thing? I think I'm lucky that my hubs doesn't use that.

  19. I turned 3_? last week. 37 to be exact. My 6 year old patted my belly and said "Mommy, you're fat." Happy freakin Birthday to me!

  20. Have a terrific birthday, enjoy the movie and make sure HE cleans up after the party. (Because he's going to be at the house, right?)

  21. I am the same way about my birthday. I will celebrate yours to the nines if you leave mine alone!! My dh is under strict order to ignore the day as best as he can. A few quiet happy birthdays from close friends and family is fine but other than that forget it!!!
    Hope you have a good time and let McLovin clean up after!!!

  22. I think this would make an excellent gift for McLovin, seriously, not as a revenge for the fake 40 party.

    Unless maybe you buy it in the size 6XL. THAT might be funny.

  23. I'm fairly certain it is Fate that brought be here, because today I made a reference not only to my own birthday but also to Geritol.
    Must come back here more often.

  24. Happy Birthday Kate!!!!

  25. Well happy birthday! I hope you have a great party (that you have to throw for yourself whuck?) My birthday is Sunday, and I'm going to be closer to 50 than 40. I don't have to worry about DH surprising me with an impromptu party however. He's way to antisocial. :)

    Love the blog.

  26. Happy Birthday from another December baby!

  27. LOL! My security word was NOCARIO...I interpret that to mean No Care-io about how old you are in look fab! ;o)




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