Thursday, December 2, 2010

The Sisterhood Nobody Wants to be a Part of: SGW

Lydia here. One of my very dear mommy friends wrote this rant about having a miscarriage. I asked her to do it because she is someone who's brave enough to be honest about the total suckfest that is losing a baby. And we all know how often it happens. And yet, we don't talk about it much because it's just so awful and sad.  When she told me about what happened to her, she was honest and real and she had me simulatenously sniffling and cracking up. So I asked her to please write a rant about her experience.

Because you know what? We are built strong, mommies. Like, Ford Tough. And life is sometimes very hard indeed. And our resiliency can be measured by our ability to laugh at life's absurdities and appreciate each moment of happiness we're lucky enough to get - even if it's slightly inappropriate or has to do with beavers.

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We found out we were pregnant in July. Isn’t it funny how couples say WE are pregnant? That’s just about when it ends, though. You don’t really hear anyone say, “WE feel like we are going to throw up here at Five Guys ” or “OUR boobs really hurt because they are so ginormous”. Well, in our case WE found out we were pregnant. We were on our way to the beach and staying a few days at my parents’ house. So when the little stick said “oh, even yesser”, WE told our family, including the grandparents, brothers, sisters and most importantly, our precious little one, the divine Miss E. 

Miss E is seven years old.  So people have been wondering about us for a long time.  Are they going to have another? Can they have another? Do they want her to be an only child?  You know  - all of the precious and charming questions people might think but should never, ever say out loud.

When we got home from vacation I really started to feel the blissful effects of pregnancy. The nausea and tiredness kicked in. We went to the doctor and were so excited to see our first ultrasound to determine how far along WE were. Miss E even went to the appointment. It never even crossed our minds that everything would be anything less than perfect.
This is the point on VH-1’s Behind the Music when they say, “then it all came crashing down”.

We went in to the ultrasound room and the technician decided to greet us with a friendly statistic. Did you know that 1/3 of all pregnancies of women over 35 end in miscarriage? Wow. I am 36. Nice to meet you, too.  She started the ultrasound and due to my former career in veterinary medicine I could roughly read the scan. While pregnant with Miss E we scanned my belly at work so much it is a miracle she was born with only one head. But there it was-- a big black empty balloon. Yes. Empty.

So we decide to wait two weeks and do another scan. After all, we weren’t planning or trying and my record keeping is less than stellar. The whole ‘exact date of last menstrual cycle’ was more like I think it was right before the time we drank too much red wine… At this point all we thought that it was too early to see anything. And my pregnancy test was definitely positive.

Fast forward two weeks. Two very long weeks. We returned to the ultrasound room. The scan began and there it was. The big black empty balloon. Only now it was three times the original size. More space – filled with more empty.

This, my friends, is what is known as a blighted ovum. I know, I’d never heard of it either. Your body thinks you are pregnant and continues to “build the house” -- but nobody’s home. So then a decision has to be made - have surgery or wait. A miscarriage was inevitable but we didn’t know when or where (most likely in the aisle at Target). Surgery could be planned but required general anesthesia.

I chose to wait. And wait. And wait. Five weeks later, yes - five weeks later, I miscarried at home.
So how do you explain to your seven year old that contrary to all of the talk of the last month and a new t-shirt from Gymboree proclaiming “Big Sisters Rock”- that things have changed? We decided to use the words of that wise ultrasound tech. My body built the baby a nice house but it wasn’t the right house for the baby so it didn’t move in. I now know the reason why we have moved four times since 2006. She completely got it.  Oh. It wasn't the right house.  But she's a smart and intuitive kid.  Some other people didn’t quite get it. It's hard enough to talk about it and tell people what happened. Them not getting it doesn't make it easier. 

This experience has taught me many things. Like what not to say to someone who has suffered a miscarriage or lost a child:
  • “You already have sweet Miss E.”
  • “There will be other babies.”
  • “How soon can you try again?”

Really? I wanted to square up and kick some taco. It doesn’t matter if I had seven children (like my MIL, who surprisingly enough is not in the nervous hospital). I was sad because I lost THIS ONE. I thank God every day for my precious Miss E and my heart aches for anyone who has had to struggle with infertility but already having a child doesn’t mean you aren’t allowed a broken heart for what might have been. And how soon can I try again? Just jump right back on the errr.... horse. Seriously? I promised my Mom I wouldn’t use the F word in this post so I won’t but that is not a good question for someone who wants to avoid being punched in the face.

Since it happened, I have logged plenty of hours on Facebook and catching up on seasons of my favorite shows (conveniently living in my DVR) and have baked roughly 600 loaves of breads, cookies, and cupcakes. I have also spent plenty of time consulting the internet to find out why. Why did this happen? I eat organic. I cut caffeine the moment I found out. I spent my entire beach vacation reading Dr. Oz’s YOU: Having a Baby. I had a textbook perfect pregnancy with Miss E. I was not simply satisfied with my doctor’s explanation that these things just happen and they are common. What I found- they ARE common. There are so many women out there who have gone through this very painful experience. The sisterhood no one wants to be a part of.

Well, due to complications from an incomplete miscarriage—right, like it wasn’t bad enough- I am recovering from surgery now. The best part of that little bump in the road? Anesthesia and painkillers. And time enough for little things to remind me that I'm going to be OK again. As I sat crying on the couch having a pity party, my phone went off.  It was a photo text from my husband. Of a beaver fail.

And I couldn't stop laughing. And I knew that slowly, we would get through it.

The worst part of surgery? Four weeks of “pelvic rest”. The discharge nurse was going over all of the instructions with my husband before we left the hospital. She looked at him like she was going to shoot lasers from her eyes and said, “Do you understand what pelvic rest is”? He nodded. Then she turns to me and says- wait for it - “Nothing in your vagina for 4 weeks”.

Miss E was standing right next to me and turns and looks at me like…"WHUCK?!? You put things in it!?! What haven't you been telling me? Is it a storage facility or something?"
 I know we will have other children and but if not, it’s OK. I have Miss E and she is the light of my life. My husband Yeats is amazing- ask Lydia (tall, salt & peppered and handsome and cooks like the love child of Paula Deen and Emeril) and a wonderful family and amazing friends. To that I say, “CHEERS” and I can tap a T-box whenever I want (for now).

xo, Ella Bean
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UPDATE!!! 

Today is February 17, 2012. I am tearfully and joyfully typing these words: Ella Bean just had a healthy, chubby, adorable baby boy. They are well and happy. And all those who know them are thrilled and grateful this amazing day. I thought you'd want to know.

xo, Lydia

(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2010

85 comments:

  1. Thank you for your post, Ella Bean, and the honesty and humor in it about your loss.

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  2. (((hugs))) Thank you for putting into words what I could not. I have been trying to write a post for my own blog on this very subject, failing miserably every time. I thought once I met my goal of running my half marathon in honor of my lost baby, I would be able to find the words. I finally did it in October this year, but the words still would not come. Thank you. It was so nice to read them here. And I'm still giggling about the picture... ;-)

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  3. Oh, sweetie! Yep, it's just like that. I had two blighted ovums, one before each live birth. With the first they kept sending me around to a variety of clinics before performing the D&C and each one had to do their own ultrasound to confirm the diagnosis. I was so miserable, so sick of looking at that empty space on the screen where a baby should have been, and so doubting of my ability to conceive and give birth in the future. Which I did about a year later, and then thought I was done with all this blighted ovum stuff when we were trying for our second, and then wham-o! And in many ways the second one hurt more, since I knew what it was to be pregnant and REALLY wanted the baby and new how the incomplete miscarriage thing would play out. And one of the strange things I figured out with my second D&C is that it is a much easier procedure on the body if you have it done at an abortion clinic instead of a hospital (it's basically the same procedure to remove nothing as it is to remove something). The first time I had it done at a big hospital under general anesthetic and it totally kicked my a$$ -- groggy, in pain, throat hurt from where I'd been intebated (sp?). The second time at the clinic was an outpatient procedure and MUCH easier on the body, though one had to endure sitting in a waiting room full of folks seeking to end unwanted pregnancies, and here I was cleaning up after an unsuccessful, but highly wanted pregnancy. Anyway. There's nothing good about the experience except to say that you nailed it right on! Thanks for posting! Pregnancy loss is not an easy topic and in many ways it makes it that much harder to bear. But a blighted ovum does not mean that something is wrong with you. It just means that that particular egg and that particular sperm didn't mix well. Didn't create quite the right home.

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  4. Thank you for posting this. A dear friend of mine, just suffered a baby loss. I think more people need to talk about it rather than hiding it.

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  5. Thank you for this post. I miscarried 8 years ago, almost to the day. I now have a beautiful little girl whom I adore.
    I think that to truly understand the emotions that go with a miscarriage, you have to have gone through it yourself. Your perspective is spot on!
    Thanks again!

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  6. Thank you for writing about this. When I miscarried at 13 weeks gestation I thought I was a total freak. I've since discovered that *every* mom I know has had a miscarriage at some point in her childbearing years. I wish I'd known while I was grieving that other women were going through similar pain.

    How do you feel grief over something you never had to begin with? With your whole heart, that's how. Hang in there, Ella Bean.

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  7. Ella Bean,
    I am sorry for your loss. As a sister in that 'hood, I wish nothing but greatness for you...hang in there, and never forget. It reminds you that life is fleeting, precious. and We ALL need that reminder on occasion.
    Thanks for sharing,
    Gen
    www.girlsandsunflowers.blogspot.com

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  8. I belong to this sucky sisterhood, too, and eleven years later I still feel the loss. Thank you for putting this out there so we all feel a little less alone.

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  9. Thanks on behalf of all of us who have lost for posting this one today. I don't know how moms coped at all with miscarriage and stillbirth before the internet allowed us to have this sorority no one ever wants to join. It can be the loneliest loss.

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  10. oops-- I hit send before adding-- THANKS for showing how much laughter is part of the coping! Will laugh and send a hug every time I see a storage facility now :D

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  11. I am so sorry for your loss.

    That is the sum total of what people should say.

    There are too many of us that know that.

    Golly I miss my babies, but how can I miss them when I barely knew them?

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  12. I agree that this is something that needs to be talked about more. More often than not the first thought to go through a woman's head when she miscarries is something along the lines of "What is wrong with me?" or "What did I do wrong?" Truth is, usually nothing. They are extremely common. So common in fact that many women can have them and never know they were pregnant because most happen early on, right around when you would miss a period. I myself have had a few( only one of the 4 required a D & C), and until I had a successful pregnancy I was secretly worried that something was indeed wrong with me. We have now been trying for #2 for barely more than a month and I have already had another. An early one, I was barely more than 4 weeks and might never have noticed if we weren't trying. But women need to know that it happens, and often, so they don't blame themselves and their friends know better what to say.

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  13. I'm a member of the sisterhood as well. My "favorite" ignorant comment was the cow-orker who told me if I just accepted Jesus in my life (I'm Jewish) this wouldn't have happened to me. After a long WHUCK! stare, I said "Christian women don't have miscarriages?? Alert the media!"

    I've very sorry for your loss and for all of us who share the bond. Whether you choose to have another child or not, enjoy your life and your family.

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  14. Thank you i wish more women would speak freely with this. 2 of my best friends recently got pregnant with their first and both miscarried. I had been through it to before i had my 2 children and spoke with them about how common it is. Since they both got pregnant again and had healthy baby girls. If we would all be this open and let people know it does happen although not very comforting to hear it happened to me too, i think it would help us all get through it a little easier.

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  15. Thank you for sharing.
    Our prayers are with you.

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  16. I wish we would talk about miscarriage just a little bit more! So many women that I know have had miscarriages - but I never found that out until I had one. I don't think it is just because it is a sad topic - we women feel a sense of shame in talking about it, even though we shouldn't. Thank you for posting this!

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  17. I'm so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your good man sharing "Beaver Fail" and for letting me giggle over the sentence, "Nothing in your vagina for 4 weeks". Laughter IS the best medicine, but can't cure it all. Glad your funny bone didn't break with your heart.

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  18. I lost a child in 2007, when he was a month old. I got SO tired of the comments and questions. The most common was, "Well at least you can have a "new" baby." I kept thinking that he wasn't the "old" baby, why did I need a new one? So what, people are getting updated children as often as they update their cell phone now? I totally wanted to punch them in the throat. I still get stupidity thrown at me, but I've healed enough now that I tell them something short, but full of bitchiness. Something like, "Wow, do you ever listen to what comes out of your mouth?" while simultaneously rolling my eyes and walking away (hopefully while they were mid-sentence) Jerks.

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  19. Ella Bean, Welcome to the saddest, largest and most secretive sorority on the planet. Thanks for sharing your story--it will help to make the subject less of a taboo. Many hugs and much love from one of your many "sisters."

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  20. I struggled with infertility and 2 miscarriages. I now have 3 precious babies. It is extremely painful to lose babies but eventually you do move on. You never forget them,,but you move on! Thank you for the post!

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  21. I must say for such a sad and frusterating experience you did a wonderful job of writing about it. Your husband sounds wonderful and I appreciate your willingness to bare your soul and share with the rest of us. I haven't had a miscarriage but I have known many who have. I'm sure you can miss someone you never knew very much because what you are missing is the opportunity to get to know them and watch them grow.

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  22. Thank you!!!! I have 4 children and had 2 miscarriages. I adore my kids, wouldn't change them for the world, and the thought of 6 kids makes me want to jump off a bridge somewhere but when I think of the 2 "could've beens" I cry, even over a decade later. I love your honesty and am so sorry for your loss. And I hope you thanked the nurse for explaining pelvic rest in front of Miss E!!!

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  23. You are such a strong woman! thanks for sharing your story! when my daughter was 4 months old, the stick told me I was going to be the mother of 2 babies under the age of 14 months. I knew immediately something was wrong (besides the fact that we clearly had a lot of "meetings". Within 2 weeks I found out my pregnancy was tubal. the little bean sprout got lost. I had to get rushed in to emergency surgery to flush it out and save my life. this was around mothers day. happy flipping moms day to me. for a long time I felt horrible. because the baby implanted in the wrong spot we had to basically terminate. I was so guilt ridden.....it took me a long time to find peace. we had to wait 3 months to resume our "meetings". Two months after the loss I had another stick tell me I was preggers. clearly we don't play by the rules.

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  24. Jenny (Daisychain)December 2, 2010 at 9:54 AM

    I am so sorry to your loss ((hugs)) But thank you for sharing your tale with us.

    As part of a group of mommies who have all struggled with PCOS and infertility (nods to all my fellow cysters reading this blog), I do know what not to say (all of what you posted) although those things or a variation of have been said to me countless times over the 10 years I myself struggled to conceive :( People try to be sensitive, but they really just dont' get it, do they?

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  25. Thank you for this. You know that old saying "misery loves company"... well, we all have lots of company. (((hugs))) to you all!

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  26. *hugs* It's a silent sorority. That's what I discovered after my first, second and third miscarriages. It hurts and dims everything. You get really mad when you hear any story of child abuse. Why would they do that when all you want is to have a child? Eventually, I came to terms with it and had my two lovely children. The other three still have a place in my heart. *hugs*

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  27. I am a member of the club. This club that NO women wants to be a part of. I participated twice. Its odd because not many people know about my first miscarriage but the second was well known. Both experiences were rotten!.

    Recently I went and got a tattoo to honor my children. Its in a place where unless you see my naked you will not ever see it. I try and honor ALL my children all the time.

    Thanks for the laughter and the sharing!

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  28. Miscarriages suck. Multiple miscarriages suck. Giving birth to stillborn twins sucks. Believe me, I know. If you are my people, feel free to read me at http://www.survivingbaby.wordpress.com

    You know what doesn't suck? Being 33 weeks pregnant...

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  29. Oh, bless your heart for so accurately putting this all into words. I'm still giggling about the beaver picture. I had miscarriage, beautiful little girl, miscarriage, then sweet little boy. Your words about wanting to punch someone in the face literally came out of my mouth after hearing so many, but you have your daughter, and at least you know you can get pregnant. And my lowest point, when sobbing in my husband's lap right after the D&C was exactly what you said- but I wanted THIS one. Hugs to you and I'm so sorry for your loss. Best wishes. And hopefully Miss E has gotten over having to find out what pelvic rest is- I would've had some seriously not nice words for that nurse!

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  30. Thank you for writing this post! I had a miscarriage this spring right before Mother's Day. My due date would have been December, so I can't help feeling sad thinking about how we should be having a baby any day now. But, losing a baby really made me understand how precious and miraculous pregnancy and life really is. I am even more grateful for the amazing 3 year old son that is in my life now.

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  31. This postwas perfect timing for me. I joined the sisterhood last week, unfortunately. Luckily we hadn't told too many people so I didn't have to have a bunch of awkward converstations.

    I don't know how you survived 5 weeks of waiting. I would have gone crazy.

    I'm sorry for your loss.

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  32. Dear Ella Bean,
    I, too, would like to thank you for sharing your experience with us! Unfortunately, I'm a two time member of this sorority. It's been ten years now, but I still think of the boys I would have had and miss them dearly.
    I am very fortunate to now be blessed with a healthy 6-year-old boy who is the light of my life.
    Ella, you had me crying and laughing. I couldn't help but laugh out loud at Miss E's comment about storage! :) Thank you for that catharsis!
    I agree with your post and all the wonderful, thoughtful comments here that this is something we need to talk about. I think it would help us all deal with the trauma and loss maybe a little better if we knew ahead of time we weren't alone.
    Hugs to you and your family!

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  33. Isn't it amazing how once you enter this sisterhood, you discover how many others have too? I wish I had known how common it was BEFORE it happened...I might have been more prepared.

    Here is my story:
    http://weloveyoubean.blogspot.com/

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  34. Thanks for writing this. Sadly, I'm also a part of the club. Having been through m/c twice, I know the pain, what-ifs, and self-blame all too well.

    I have 3 beautiful children, but I still grieve and pray for the ones lost. Miraculously, my 2nd child was conceived just 2 weeks after m/c #2 (no, I didn't follow the nurses instructions, lol). She is now a perfect 3 yr old.

    There IS hope and time does heal, you will never forget your pregnancy or what might have been, but they will always remain in your heart. Keep your chin up Ella Bean :)

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  35. First off, I'm sorry this happened to you. I had a miscarriage, too, and there were dumb comments. People are idiots. On the other hand, it's nice to see someone write about this subject in a funny way. Life is long (hopefully) and sometimes hard, so you better be able to laugh loudly and often. I'll never look at beavers the same way again.

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  36. We lost our first son Gabryel at 18 weeks, I had to deliver a baby and no one ever understands why my husband and I include that in our child count. We had Aedan almost exactly a year from Gabryel's due date (Gabe was due 3/20 Aedan was due 3/13 and now Avery is due 2/14) We say we have 2 kids now, and once Avery is born that number will go to 3. People are insensitive about such a horrible thing, but laughing when you can and making memories you want to remember helps.

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  37. Thank you for sharing this.

    I lost a baby four years ago, and it still hurts, but I feel like I can't talk about it because it makes people uncomfortable.

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  38. You know what? I have a friend who has suffered with multiple miscarriages and struggles with infertility. She said something to me that made my heart break: "Will I ever be a mother?"
    To her and to all the sisters like her I say, you ARE a mother! Even if this heartache never goes away and even if you never get to hold the precious lives you have created I believe you are a mother. And you can share that gift with others who need mothers--sisters in the sucky sorrority, children in your neighborhood, friends, neighbors, anyone who needs the love in your heart. "Mother" isn't what happens to you when you have a baby--its part of who we are as women. I'm proud of you, all of you! You are brave and beautiful and gifted. I love you for all you bring into my life. What did women do before they had the internet to help us feel we are not alone?

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  39. I won't share my stories as this is about you. But know that I've had several miscarriages and even a son who lived for just two hours. I've labored and delivered a three month miscarriage, had a d&c, done it all.
    I have a houseful of kids and have had to explain to them what I couldn't understand myself. Why? And dealt with the guilt of wondering if it was my fault.
    The thing that has brought me the greatest comfort is this... EACH baby we made is a soul and a child of mine, never to be replaced, perfect in his/her own right, who continues to live fully in Heaven. I named each one, asked God for baptism, and look forward to being reunited with them for ETERNITY. This world doesn't last long, but eternity is forever. I have a lot to look forward to. Also, I have several children who look out for me from Heaven, pray for us and keep us on the right path. What love is greater than a mother and child? SO I know my babies are with me and they know we are all family.
    Much love and hugs dear,
    Kathy

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    1. Beautifully said! I have three babies in heaven (with my Momma) and knowing they are waiting for me is the only hing that brings comfort to my loss.

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  40. Couldn't have said it better! Thanks!!

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  41. So sorry to hear of your loss. Thank you for sharing, and with such strength and humor.

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  42. As a fellow member of this sorority (many times over) I can say that it does get easier. People eventually stop saying stupid crap. (((HUGS)))

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  43. I too am a member of this sucky sisterhood ... I miscarried in 1996, I was 8 weeks pregnant. The morning after it happened, our 2 yr old son asked when his little sister was going to be born. In what can only be described as divine intervention, I responded that Jesus wanted his sister to be an angel so He took her up to heaven. We now have 2 other children, but I often wonder what the child I lost would be like. A few months ago I got a tattoo that's about my kids. I found a way to include "the baby that didn't get to be born" as our 9 yr old puts it. *hugs*

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  44. Thank you for your post. I'm so sorry for your loss and the really insensitive things that people thought it was ok to say to you. What planet do these people live on??? I'm so happy you brought some laughter to this really painful issue.

    I am going through what looks like it is going to be my fourth failed pregnancy. I've had chemical pregnancies, low heartbeat at 7 weeks (and none at 8 weeks) and a crazy fetal abnormality at 12 weeks. I'm blessed with an amazing son and feel guilty that I want another child so much since my son is the love of my life. I've had three failed pregnancies since he was born and it SUCKS. No one really gets it. Secondary infertility is a lonely place.

    I'm tired of being told that if I just calmed down I would get pregnant. Contrary to popular belief, stress does not cause infertility. One of my best friends is an OB/GYN also struggling to get pregnant and she always reminds me that 45 year old women on crack have babies and they're under a lot more stress than most people. So suck on that stress is your problem people. I was once told by a friend I love that if we were considering adoption (we weren't) that we should do it sooner rather than later since older couples were at a disadvantage.

    I'm tired of feeling less than because I'm a stay at home Mom who gave up a big career and can't seem to succeed at expanding my family. I'm tired of feeling like there's something wrong with me. I feel guilty that I want another child for me, my husband and our son. I feel so isolated and alone because very few people want to go near this kind of sadness (except an adoring husband and a few very great friends). And I hate infertility clinics who seem to want my money more than helping me (and seem to not give two sh**s about my feelings and can't even return my rare phone call). I hope I haven't gone too far but being in the midst of this again, it SUCKS.

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    1. I just said a prayer for you. May God give you strength and peace. I lost a lot of people when I was at my darkest from infertility and loss. You said it well that people don't want to be around that kind of sadness. Your pain is real and yours and like no one elses. One day at a time, it's all you can do, <<< hugs>>>

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  45. A brilliant entry. Thank you.

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  46. Thank you for sharing your thoughts! After having 2 healthy pregnancies and babies, I have had 2 miscarriages, the 1st was a blighted ovum. Seeing that big blank space was such a huge shock, even after 2 years it still doesn't seem real. My 2nd miscarriage was just a couple of months ago, and yes, having my 2 amazing children has helped me to stay busy and not dwell on the pain, it doesn't make it any less real! My sweet mom said it exactly how I felt "It's just not fair!"

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  47. You know I would get so upset when people would say dumb things after my miscarriage until I remembered all the dumb things I said to friends who miscarried before me. Unless you've been there it really is hard to know what to say. When people ask me what they should say in this type of situation I tell them just say sorry for your loss. END OF STORY. Infertility is the same thing. People say the dumbest things but maybe I would too if I wasn't experienced.

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  48. When I had my miscarriage, I was only in my 6th week or so. I had gone to my OB on Friday who gave me a blood test. She had looked at my home test, said, "we should get a blood test to be official," and then...
    The next day, I miscarried. I went to the ER because I had no idea what to do. The nurses kept muttering about "molar pregnancy," and "empty," etc. But the doctor? When she said that yes, it was a miscarriage, and I said that I had really thought we were going to have a baby, she sat down, stopped talking, looked into my eyes, patted my leg, and said, "I'm so sorry. So very sorry." And then she just sat there and patted me while I cried.

    That was the best thing she could have done. She stopped explaining all about "molar pregnancy" and technical stuff, and just let me be sad.

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  49. Thanks for this. I have had two miscarriages...every other pregnancy ends badly for me. This is why we are DONE with kids. I have two little ones here, and two in heaven. I miss them every day. I am so sorry you are part of this sisterhood. Hugs to you, Ella Bean!

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  50. I'm sorry for your loss, Ella Bean, but I'm grateful for your words. And I'm grateful for that beaver fail pic that brought me to laughy tears. Hugs to you, my sister.

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  51. I am so sorry for your loss and the losses of the others who have posted.

    My baby died at thirteen weeks and i too waited to miscarry. it was the hardest two months of my life, and the worst year of my life. My baby would be having his first birthday now, it still hurts.

    Thank you for talking about it, and helping people become more sensitive about miscarriage.

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  52. I'm so very sorry for your loss. I've been there and it sucks. And, what makes it suck even more is the people who THINK they are being kind and heartfelt with their words but they only hurt you more. Why does it matter if I already have one child? Does that mean that I can't be sad that I lost another? F'ers.

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  53. Thank you for this post. How can this be...I'm literally laughing and crying at the same exact time. Me=5 miscarriages but now have 3 beautiful children. Pregnant 8 times in 7 years.

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  54. I'm a member of the club too.

    It still surprises me, and I"m not sure why, how once we start talking, the more you hear, "me too". In the past month, 2 dear friends have joined the club. Right now it seems like more people I know are IN the club, rather than not.

    If you haven't seen it, http://www.facesofloss.com/ is a pretty powerful site. Even if it makes me sob.

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  55. I'm a member, too...I think most women are. We hadn't told anyone about the pregnancy (we always waited until the 1st trimester was over, and it happened at 11w2d) yet, so thankfully I didn't have to deal with any stupid comments. But, as a nurse, it really amazed me that the hospital staff was so insensitive. The kindest thing anyone there said was, "You're not having a good day, are you?" (Ya think?) But in retrospect I think she meant well. Health comprises so much more than just the physical. And like Kathy who posted earlier, I know that my little one is in Heaven and I asked God for Baptism for her and even offered up a name. I had a dream about her a few days before it happened, and consider it a precious gift to see what she may have looked like. And I am thankful for the ones who are here with me now.
    Yeah, the Sisterhood sucks, and we move on, and always remember.
    I'm sorry for your loss, Ella Bean; thank you so much for sharing your story. ♥

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  56. Another member here. I did everything 'right' - every motherfurkin' thing - and then one day the bleeding started. I now have two wonderful daughters, but that first dream baby will always have a place in my heart. And by the way I did everything 'wrong' with my two 'successful' pregnancies (well, not like drugs, smoking and alcohol, but bend, stretch, lift, eat whatever I crave etc etc etc...oh even yesser!) I'm now of the opinion that nothing 'causes' miscarriages, they just happen - and I suspect they mostly happen because the baby just...wasn't quite ready, for whatever reason. The house wasn't right. The dance missed a step. Ack. Crying again. Must shut up now. I still don't think there's a 'good' response to a new member of the sisterhood except 'I'm sorry' and a hug.

    Thank you for the pelvic rest story. I laughed til I cried, and I will never see storage facilities in the same way again. If my 6 year old had been there, I so would have smacked that nurse. *Thank* you for giving my child ideas she does NOT need.

    Peace and blessings, sisters :>

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  57. Your husband sounds fantastic. I'm glad you had him to get you through!

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  58. *very huge hugs*
    Another member, I've recently gone through something similar, just another cap on my hubby and I loosing our son 2 years ago. I'm considering telling my doctor some choice words begining with F; when she told me the results, ie 'oops, all gone, start again!' she just would not stop repeating herself, and had to make sure she had said it all in words a dumby would get. You know, I get it, there's only so many ways you can say 'it ran away' and I think I know them all now, thanks! :P
    It's fantastic that your husband sounds like he's so supportive though; I don't know where I'd be without the support mine gave me...
    Institutionalised? :P
    Sometimes, life sucks. I hope you find the rainbow at the end of the clouds soon.

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  59. Great post, thank you for sharing it! The beaver fail picture is awesome. I'm part of the sisterhood too, here is a post about my experience: http://bloggingfortwo.blogspot.com/2007/05/miscarriage-story-graphic.html

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  60. I'm sorry for your loss. I gave myself a big pat on the back when I got pregnant for the first time without really trying. Unfortunately, I have a blighted ovum as well and have my surgery scheduled for tomorrow. This post at least put a smile on my face and that's saying a lot! Thank you!

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  61. I am also a part of this sisterhood with two baby girls in heaven. Thank you for writing this. It had me laughing out loud!

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  62. I didn't think it was possible to burst into tears and laugh out loud at the same exact time, but I just did. Thank you so much for sharing this. I can't even speak outloud yet about what I've just been through the past few days, I feel like you said it all for me. ♥

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  63. A laugh today was much needed as this is my first day back at work after my D&C last Tuesday. We lost our baby at 12 weeks on 12/3, when at the NT scan we saw there was no longer a heartbeat. This was our first baby, and feared being 40, something was wrong with me. Not until I started sharing with friends and family what happened did I realize how many "sisters" I have, and how much comfort and strength I have gained in talking to them.

    Thanks Ella Bean for sharing your story and I am so sorry for your loss.

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  64. Thank you. I just had a miscarriage a few days ago and happened to come across this post. It was exactly what I needed today. Thank you for sharing.

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  65. Today is the third anniversary of the day my little bean went to heaven.
    Thank you for your post, it's so sad how many sisters there are out there.

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  66. So sorry for your loss. I've had several miscarriages with the most recent a molar pregnancy (don't google it's ugly). Your post put into words what it is like. I now thankfully have two kids after 5 fails.

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  67. We found out our baby didn't have a heart beat when I was 11 weeks along, the baby was only 9 weeks. This was on a Thursday. I couldn't have a D&C until Monday next. On Sunday I had a church friend say "Why do they have to wait so long to get it out.". Yes, "it". I also had the recovery nurse, after the D&C, ask about other children and she gave the unhelpful, "well at least you already have a child". Ya know, I totally forgot I already had a child and that she some how makes up for losing one. Thanks for reminding me.

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  68. Thanks for reporting this rfml! Yesterday I had a d&c for a blighted ovum. I feel as though Ella bean channeled all my thoughts right here. I read it to my husband. We cried together and then laughed together. We know it time we will heal. And I'll remember this post every time I have to answer a stupid question. Maybe it will keep me from getting arrested for kicking someone in the taco. That and remembering that stripes make me look fat. Err fatter than usual.

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  69. I think this is a great post. I am not like you, I have not had a miscarriage. My sister, who just so happens to be my absolute closest friend has had three. She has two beautiful spunky girls, while I have four rambunctious boys. Our oldest children are just 6 months apart. Our last two pregnancies were within days of each other. Only I got a baby, twice, and she didn't. Its not fair, its totally sucky, and I hate it. Thank you for writing.

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  70. Joined the Sisterhood on 4/7/11 at 7 weeks along. I ever wanted to join, but now I'm a lifetime member. Stay strong sisters. It still sucks every day.

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  71. I am sorry for your loss. It does hurt less but doesn't disappear. I've been pregnant five times and have two babies. I had to square up on the Husband who once (and only once) asked that since three pregnancies were blighted ovums, were they really pregnancies? Add the nurse practitioner telling me while waiting for the OB after the third diagnosis that I was lucky I had "one angel already". People really can be that dumb. Thanks for sharing your story.

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  72. I just joined the sisterhood no one wants to be part of and a friend e-mailed me this post. I could have written every word (I hope I'm going to avoid the incomplete miscarriage surgery, but it's not looking good).

    It is breathtakingly insensitive to tell someone they should start trying now for their second child, as has happened to me while I was waiting to miscarry. I wanted to say "well, I did my best, but my second child is dead inside me and I'm just waiting for him or her to come out, thanks for asking."

    Thank you for posting this!

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  73. I am so glad you posted this! I also had a blighted ovum which ended in a D&C at 13 weeks. It has always been such a taboo topic with friends and family. It's nice to know somebody has the guts to talk about it! Thank you!

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  74. Thank You for sharing that. I think all reproductive inquiries made by people who aren't in your bedroom are just rude. I miscarried 4 months into our marriage and we didn't attempt trying again for almost a year... We didn't have our daughter until we were 4 years into our marriage (plus add a failed adoption between the trying) all along people saying "you guys need to have kids" and asking "when are you going to have a baby?" I did my best to avoid baby showers... And eventually everyone :) My favorite "awful thing to say after a miscarriage" was "Well arent you glad you can still go on your planned vacation?" No! There is not a moment that goes by that I am not absolutely grateful for my daughter after the years of pain and isolation trying to get her here. I wish there would have been more understanding people out there.

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  75. Thanks for resharing this wonderful post it will help so many understand the heartache and pain involved in a miscarriage.

    I myself have lost 4 wonderful souls,two of which ruined my fertility (twin pregnancy that was ectopic and in the womb 30,000 odds on that one) and forced us to use IVF and one of which was a twin whose brother is almost 1 year old. It is so hard to pick yourself up and move on. I hate it when people say "it was meant to be" WHAT, not for me I wanted all of those babies I no longer have. They have all been terrible but the second twin pregnancy was the worse because we did not find out the baby had a problem until we were 13 weeks along and we had already told our family. To make matters worse that baby did not pass away until it was 16 weeks and at every single ultrasound after that the poor soul was in the picture still. It was horrible and not something I wish on anyone.

    Again thank you for sharing and I am so happy to hear you are pregnant again.

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  76. Thanks so much for sharing your story. What were the complications, if you don't mind me asking. And holy moly, too funny, about the nothing in your vagina for 4 weeks. Some people!

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  77. Thank you so much for sharing this post! I (and my husband and two year old) went through the same situation last March. I had surgery after two and a half agonizing weeks of trying to et it go naturally. I heard the same things too. So glad to hear about the birth of your new baby. We're still trying but however the cards shake out, we are blissfully blesed with our now three year old daughter :). I've been open with people about what happened too because it's all too hidden for something that happens so much....

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  78. So sorry for your loss. My daughter was stillborn this past September at 38 weeks. No one wants to be part of this horrific club....but the Sisterhood on the internet is very supportive, as I have found out over the past 4 months. Thanks for sharing your story.

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  79. Thank you for sharing your story and for your wonderful wit in doing so. I lost our first child to Molar pregnancy and faced that empty ultrasound and the DNC that followed. I've now had three births but that first of my four pregnancies will always be with me. Again, thank you for such eloquence!

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  80. My 9 year still talks about the baby that wasn't... She tells her 2 year old sister that "3 years ago we had a baby in mommys belly that couldn't hold on tight enough, but that baby made sure there was a place for you. We were lucky for that baby & even luckier for you." Blessings do come.
    Love, Your Sister

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