Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Making Mommy Friends, Lydia-Style

I am a mommy who firmly believes in the power of other mommies. As a new mom, it wasn’t until I found some really great mommy-friends to share the experience with that I truly embraced my new identity.  I was used to being me and then all of a sudden I was me, except pregnant and puking all the time.  Oh, and also with cankles.

Then I had the baby and I was me but with a tiny red wiggler to care for and it was so all consuming and exhausting that, after less than a year, I had sort of forgotten what a total bad ass I used to be who I was. And I was constantly plagued by fear that I was doing everything wrong. I kept thinking, this can’t possibly be normal. Normal people do not sob uncontrollably because their nursing bra broke.  Normal people don't accuse their dog of snoring too loud on purpose.

Having great mommy friends didn’t fix my problems or make me less of a train wreck, it just made me feel like I wasn’t alone in the struggle of it all. For me, one of the defining things about motherhood is that every day is a challenge to be the sort of person my kiddos deserve. It’s like Sisyphus trying to keep the playroom clean. It will probably never happen. But you’re hardwired to keep trying.

And because I am pro-mommy and because I think we all do better when we have lots of friends, I thought I’d write about the process of making them. Making new friends (in my opinion) isn’t as easy you might think. For me, the step from stranger to buddy takes about ten seconds. The step from buddy to friend can take a year or even two.

Every time a sport or a team or a school year or an activity starts up, you get thrown in with a new group of families.  Sometimes it’s less a new group than it is a new configuration of old faces.  But still, it’s an opportunity.  We’re about a month into the swim season here and new friendships are starting to form.  I'm already making a (heh heh) splash with other swim team mommies.

When I’m in this situation, I try to figure out which mommies really have friend potential, which to avoid and which I will merely end up being hihowyadoin friends with.  I can’t stress how important it is to do serious thinking about who you invite into your (and your family’s) life up front. Friendships can end.  And sometimes they end ugly and it can be really painful.  For example, Madonna and Gwyneth apparently hate each other now. And if those two kids can’t make it work, well… *sad head shake*  It’s just something for us all to think about.

So in order to prevent a Madonna/Gwyneth style meltdown and to help you weed out the Mommies Who Just Don’t Get It , the uber-Competitive Mommy or the much-feared Perfect Mommy – I have developed a couple of helpful checklists.

RED FLAGS THAT YOU SHOULD NOT BE FRIENDS
  • Says nasty or mean things about other people (especially other people’s kids) when she barely knows you.  Obviously, talking about Heidi Montag or Kate Gosselin doesn’t count. Just as obviously, if she’ll talk trash to you then she will talk trash about you.
  • Ignores her kids. This doesn’t mean she’s a bad person or a bad mom, it just means that you will spend a lot of time watching her kids. And her kids are probably sneaky little bastards not accustomed to being watched. Or are very used to doing whatever they can to get her attention.
  • Mean to her kids. We all lose our schmidt and we are often provoked by our offspring. There’s a difference between someone who’s trying to keep her kids from acting like a pack of rabid howler monkeys and someone who is just plain mean.
  • Thinks her kids can do no wrong. If her kids can do no wrong, then it’s always everyone else’s fault. I want my kids to absorb that mentality about as much I want them to grow up and move to Whore Island.
  • No sense of humor. If they can’t find the funny, we can always be friendly but we can never be friends. I mean, if we can't make booby jokes – do we really have anything to talk about?  Last week, the smell of poopy diaper wafted over to me and a group other moms at the pool.  Someone said: "What is that smell?" and I answered: "Chanel Number Two."  And two of the moms laughed but one was like, "Oh. Your joke was slightly more disgusting than amusing" except she said it with her eyes.  Which obviously makes her someone who shouldn't hang out with me too much.  Because if there's one thing I like more than booby jokes, it's jokes about crap.
  • Your kids and hers just don’t get along. If the kids can’t along, it probably isn’t going to work out.  Most kids will fight if they’re thrown together too much.  They'll start trying to kick each other in the face over disputes involving Super Mario Brothers like they were in the same family.  That's annoying but normal.  But if they just plain don’t like each other, it's not even worth it.  Maybe that's what happened to Madonna and Gwyneth…
  • Her husband is a douchebag.  If her husband is truly a dickhead, it's going to be a big problem. First of all, your husband will not want to hang with him. This will make things super awkward, ahem, supawk, when you have to keep finding excuses to say no to weekend plans with both families.  Also, do you want to leave your kids at his house so they can observe him saying the F word, sticking his hand down his pants and yelling: "Get Daddy a beer!"?  And then there's your friend, who will eventually want to vent to you about him and you will have to pretend that its OK that her husband is a useless sack of hair.  It's just a baaad situation and one you really want to avoid.
  • She doesn’t pass the gut check.  Sometimes people say things or disclose things or do things that hit your gut and make you feel all queasy.  And you just know that you're never going to feel better about it.  Things like: “My husband and I used to be swingers, like BIG TIME SWINGERS. Then we had kids and now we hate all fornicators.  And foreigners.” Or “My grandmother used to beat me with a switch and look how great I turned out. So now I beat my kids with a tree branches when they act up – which is like all the time.”
THINGS YOU MIGHT JUST WANT TO OVERLOOK
  • She doesn’t look like you. Let’s be honest here. Kate is fancy and I am a fashion disaster. Kate is super thin and nauseatingly fit. I am not so much. People who can’t be bothered to make an effort to look good... are judged. So too are those deemed to be trying too hard to look attractive.  It's one of those suck-ass lose/lose situations.  Try not to buy into that crap, or you could be missing out on your Kate or God Forbid, your very own Lydia. [Editor's Note: YEA ME! I got the original Lydia...Giddyup!  - Kate]
  • Politics.  Let’s say you’re really political and you meet another really nice mom and she is too. But your bumper stickers don’t match. Get past it. Some of my best friends are totally on the other end of the political fence and you know what? They are awesome and I'm a smarter, more well-informed, better person for opening myself up to their points of view.  Plus, I guarantee that you'll find things you both agree on (for example; John Edwards is King Douche, clean up the f*cking Gulf oil spill or fear my wrath).
  • She’s a little weird. Unless you think the weirdness is actually a big, boiling, seething pot of latent crazy – who cares? Look in the mirror, friend, you’re weird too. Kate loves Barry Manilow and goes to see him in concert every chance she gets. It’s her and gay men and blue haired ladies singing “Weekend in New England” while swaying with their eyes closed and she loves it.  Lydia and the Cap’n have named every single one of their vehicles for the past fifteen years (except the BWT) after original 90210 characters.  Our last Nissan wasn't silver... It was David Silver.
I’ve just spent some time outlining the negative stuff.  Let's move onto the good stuff.  Truthfully, there are only things I need to have in a friend:
  • A deep and abiding commitment to keepin’ it real. That does not mean that, like me, you must enjoy inappropriate and profane hiphop. Though that helps. What it means is that you’re not full of crap. I am interested in people who know who they are and are straightforward about it.  I am totally imperfect and a disaster and I accept that.  I once knew a golden retriever who failed the seeing eye dog exam like three times because he could never pass the grocery store test.  I'm like that.  And I can also be pretty annoying sometimes but some people actually like that because they get laugh at my expense pretty much all the time. Which is why I have any friends.
  • The Funny. I have learned the hard way that life is too short to take yourself seriously. Plus, I have a disorder. People who are overly earnest or self-important give me The Twitches. The uncontrollable urge to mock and snark and bring out the ridiculous in them.  Really? You’re a vegan? Drinking Starbucks? In a BMW with leather seats? Lecturing me about my carbon footprint? Want… To… Mock… But… Must… Remember… My… Manners… But the resolve never lasts and I end up saying something like: “I used to be vegan. But now I’m a weegan. I only eat vegetables and they have to be really, really small.”
  • Not Evil. There are some bad and crazy people out there. I try to avoid the people that are crazy in the bad way. Or crazy in way that makes me crazier. In ways that are bad instead or good or funny. Here's an example: Kate and I have decided that we are the Supreme Chancellor and Allied Commander of MommyLand. And those are our actual job titles. On our state and federal tax forms. So obviously, we’re perfect for each other because anyone else would think that was insane and we just think it’s hilarious. But its not evil.  Not yet...
Hopefully this has all been helpful. Remember, Kate and I are two mommies who might never have been friends.  But we are and she has made my life a much better and happier place.  I would never have had the courage to write a single word without her constant nagging encouragement.  Thank God for Kate… Without her I would be just another sad sack in dirty yoga pants ranting about my misery to myself, alone in my van down by the river.  With her, I am the Supreme Chancellor of our very own blog, who rants incoherently on the internet

How awesome is that? 

xo,
Lydia


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Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Making Mommy Friends

I’ve found that making friends as an adult is not as easy as it was when I was a kid. Kid is defined as “in school of some kind” – so that includes college. Actually, I recall that making friends in college was easy-peasy. I would meet someone while moving into a dorm and we would be best friends 48 hours later. The excessive beer drinking could also have been a factor. Possibly.


In my twenties, I was married and my only kids were feline and canine. Making new friends in a new city wasn’t easy. I had work friends. I had buddies from the neighborhood. I had friends from the dog park. But it took a couple of years before any of them became my real friends. And then, as soon I had them and loved them, it was time to move again.  Shizzle.  That still gives me the red ass and it was nine years ago.

Everyone says that once you have kids it gets a lot easier to make friends. Then again, everyone also said you lose tons of weight while breastfeeding. But the size of my enormous ass discounts the veracity of that little tidbit of maternal wisdom. Another myth shot to hell, thank you very much.

The whole making friends with kids thing though, is partially true. When the kids are older. When they’re little babies, especially with your first baby, it can be incredibly isolating and lonely. Because it’s all about meeting their basic, primal needs all the time so that they will not perish and the world will not implode. And that just doesn’t leave a lot of time for other things. Like sleeping or basic hygiene or attempts to reclaim your sanity.

When I had my first baby, I had no family living nearby and only a handful or neighbors and acquaintances, who while truly lovely people, were not what I needed. Mostly because at the time, I didn’t know what that was. It turns out what I needed was a mommy friend who would tell me: “You are a total psycho but that’s normal. Now let’s go to Barnes and Noble and get lattes and pretend we still know how to read.”

Though that’s not entirely fair because at the time I could still read (unlike now). As long as it was Good Night Moon or UsWeekly.

In 2003, what I needed was a Kate. I had a wonderful husband who thankfully, was really supportive and just as overwhelmed by and crazy about becoming a parent as I was. But he was at work all day. And he was f*cking asleep all night. And he was (and remains) a dude.

So for the first year, I spent a lot of time on the phone with friends from far away. And watching TV. And being alternately resentful and snarly and then guilty and weepy and failure-y that the whole thing wasn’t easier. I kept asking myself if it was supposed to be this hard?

Yes. I know, Kate. That’s what she said.

Then somehow, when I least expected it and most needed it, a miracle happened. I ended up in a playgroup. It was five first time mommies and five almost-one-year-old little girls. The girls enjoyed playing together, but it wasn’t really about them. It was about us. Woot! Finally...  Because all of us were loving being mommies but kept wondering what the hell happened to us.  And when we figured out we weren't alone in the confusion and chaos, it became infinitely more easy to deal with.

I could say things to them that no one else understood. Like the fact that I was watching so many Wiggles DVD’s that I actually had a sex dream about the blue one. Or that the lack of sleep was turning me into angry old witch who was a total B to her husband all the time. That going to the Starbucks drive-thru was the most exciting part of my day and I was fully aware that that made me totally pathetic. That every time I heard Dora the Explorer’s voice it was like someone flipped a Manchurian Candidate kill switch in my head and I just wanted to smash things and set fires.

And instead of being like: “That’s frightening and off-putting. You should consider spending the weekend wearing a huggy jacket in a nice bouncy room.” They were like, “The Blue Wiggle. Yeah. Let’s google him.”

This is what we saw when we googled him...
And there was no weirdness or drama or competitiveness. Just support and kindness and booby jokes. It was great. And I had no idea just how unique our situation was, how special each of them were. And that I will never be able to duplicate what we had for that year. Because once I had made these amazing friends, who were supportive and understanding and funny… We moved again.

Awesome. Thank you, fates that guide my husband’s career.

But even though it was awful to leave, it really was OK. Only one of the five mommies is still there (military town - though we are not military - enough said). And we got each other through the worst of it, those first two years of mommyhood. Because once your kiddos get older, you get out of the house a lot more. You start to have a life again, even if it’s nothing like the life you used to have. The one where you were cool or badass or had a single second of autonomy. Sometimes it’s actually even better.

You start preschool or soccer and you’re thrown into the paths of other moms and families. Which is a whole other post (for later this week). Because whether you like it or not, you’re going to be seeing a lot of those mommies. Some of them might make you want to square up and kick them in the taco.  But most of them will be nice.  And possibly they may end up being your best buds or maybe even a Kate.  And that's huge.

Sigh... I know.  That's what she said.

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Monday, June 28, 2010

Funniest F***ing Thing I Heard All Day: POP!

This weekend was our neighborhood's Ice Cream Social. It's also when we get a chance to meet all of our new neighbors who have moved in since our Halloween Pizza Party.

The Pole Dancer, Season One and I were greeting a new couple and their baby boy, when McGee comes up begging to go to the creek that runs alongside the neighborhood. I gave her an emphatic "No." To which she pouted and stomped around  like she weighed six thousand pounds.

Season One asked why I wouldn't let her go, confessing he would have said yes.

"The last time we were down there, I found a used Trojan. Used. She'll never go there again."

To which he said:

"Yeah, she found the box of those I have one day. I told her they were Daddy balloons. She asked if she could blow one up. I thought it was best to say no. She wasn't pleased."

The End.


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Saturday, June 26, 2010

The Funniest Things Our Kids Ever Said - Part Trois

Happy Saturday Special Post! You asked, we delivered. Yeah yeah, it's late, but Lydia was all *infectious* and Kate was, ummm, being a snitchy working pirate monkey. Or something. Basically, she was useless. Until now.

Enjoy! And beware the coffee snorts on your computers. We totally spit our Selfy Steams all over the screen.

xoxo K&L

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When my oldest was around 4 or 5 we were looking for a new car. My husband kept saying he wanted to get a car with 4 wheel drive. We noticed that our daughter was looking underneath all of the cars and finally she looked at my husband and said, "Why can't you just find a car already? They ALL have 4 wheels!!"

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Scene: Driving on main road with many side streets. Summer day (windows all open) As we're driving by one such street, a woman on the phone pulls out and stops short just before T-boning us.


Mommy: Ooohh... [choking sound as panic sets in] crap..
Amber (3 yrs) [very loudly through the window]: "GET OFF THE PHONE!!!!"

The woman looked in shock at my daughter as we slid by her in traffic... classic. :)

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One day, my daughter Sydney (then 7) was throwing a fit. This was full on screaming and kicking. We were supposed to go visit a friend so I quickly cut her off. I told her she couldn’t go. She followed that with more screaming. When she calmed down enough to realize her sister was going to have fun and she couldn’t go, she shouted, “Sorry!” I said, “It’s too late for sorry.” This infuriated her. She yelled back, “Since when does sorry have an expiration date???”
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"Mom, I decided I want to put a DS on my Christmas list. So how do you spell DS?"


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I was doing laundry and putting clothes away in the kids’ room while my 4-year old and the baby were in my room. I overheard her tell the baby, "Claire, you be the look out! I'm going to steal dad's money now ‘cause you and I are the only ones in this darn family that doesn't have any!"

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When my son was about 18 months old, my darling husband had a brilliant idea while watching us play "what does the ____ say?"

Husband: “You know what the animals say. Now you should know what Mommy says.”

And what does Mommy say, one might ask? Why... “N AG, NAG, NAG.” Of course.

A few days later, I was *lovingly but authoritatively* telling my son to do something, when he stuck his little finger up in my face and yelled "Nag! Nag! Nag!!!" and then ran away. Wouldn't you know, he had the tone and look down, too.

My son amused family and friends for months with that line. Traitors. My husband is currently trying to teach our infant to say "nag" before "momma". And that is why there's "justifiable" homicide, ladies.

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My son was around two when we took our first trip to Orlando to see my family who’d moved there recently. Before leaving, I stopped to buy pull ups; however, there were no boy pull ups, only girls. With Disney Princesses printed on the front. I didn’t think he’d notice, but boy did he! As soon as I put them on him, he exclaimed “I can’t wear THESE! These are for GIRLS!” I chuckled at this and told him it was just until I could get boy ones later.

We arrive in Orlando and I am getting him ready for bed while we sit in the living room with my family. As I pull a new pull up on him, I tell the story of his disgust at wearing something meant for girls. Everyone gets a little laugh out of it. My son notices this. He’s made people laugh. He likes it. So what does he do?

He starts pointing at the princesses on the front of the pull up he has on, inadvertently pointing at his package and starts hollering at the top of his lungs “THIS IS FOR GIRLS! THIS IS FOR GIRLS! THIS IS FOR GIRRRRRLS!” as he thrusts his hips around at everyone.

I almost cried I laughed so hard. To this day we tell that story every time we get together.

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One morning, while I was preparing to take a shower, my four-year old daughter walked into the bathroom. She took one look at me (naked) and said with complete disgust, "Ugh! Mommy! HAIR?!?!?! In your PEE-PEE PLACE?? You've gotta be kidding me! That is GROSS." I nearly died laughing. I didn't have the heart to share with her that someday, she too, would have gross hair in her own pee-pee place.

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We're starting potty training with my 2-and-1/2 year old son and he wanted to know what that thing hiding under his diaper is called. I am of the school of thought that you should use the actual names of body parts with kids. My husband disagrees (thank you, MIL) so he told Alex that it is his "pee-pee". I cannot wait for MIL to come over again, so that she can hear Alex explain that he has a "creepy". Oh, even yesser.

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Conversation with my 6-year old son about his plans to go to college:

Son: Daddy, I don’t think I want to go to the Naval Academy.
Dad: That’s fine, bud. But college is important and when the time comes you will choose a good one I am sure.
Son: You and mommy went to college together right?
Dad: Yup.
Son: Daddy, I don’t think mommy knew you were a moron when she met you in college.


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We took the kids and the dog to the dog park. We have a Great Dane named Pixie so we get lots of attention. A woman at the park was telling my stepdaughter how beautiful our dog was and my stepdaughter said back in a helpful and hopeful voice, “Maybe when your dog dies you can get a dog like Pixie.”

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As a result of spelling words that are not to be comprehended by young children, my 5 year old has now come to believe that once you grow up you no longer pronounce words, you spell them. He is a budding reader and is still spelling phonetically. All of this has made for some interesting conversations lately.

Me: Would you like some grapes with that sandwich?
Kiddo: F U
Me: Excuse me?
Kiddo: F U, Daddy
Me: What did you say to me?
Kiddo: I said F U, DADDY
Me: Are you trying to spell something!?
Kiddo: Few. F U. Few!
Me: Here's your grapes, now run along.

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Thomas, doing some reading about Martin Luther King Jr: "Wow, it seems like he had a pretty nice life. Well, until someone shot him. Or is that Abraham Lincoln I'm thinking of? You know, there are some places people just shouldn't go in my head."


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Kid: "So and so gots a long way to go."
Mom: "Sweetie, you need to say 'has' instead of 'gots.'"
Kid: "Well...see, mom...I'm a 'gots' person."

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"Mom, remember that episode of the Simpsons with the hurricane? And how Homer didn't know there was going to be a hurricane? They sure are lucky they have Lisa. Homer didn't even know there'd be a hurricane until the dog blew away. *sigh* The poor animals always go first."

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And just when we’re ready to hit MommyLand Advisory System Threat Level Red, they give us this:

"Every time I give you a kiss, or blow you a kiss, or anything, they go right into you, so you can keep them for your whole life. They go right in your bones."

With love,
K&L


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Friday, June 25, 2010

Kate & Lydia Hit 100,000!

OK, so maybe we're not supposed to be tapping the t-box before noon, but WE TOTALLY ARE! Oh, and Kate's shaking champagne -- that's not going to end well...mostly because it's going to spray everywhere and make everything sticky...but WHATEVS...because (drum roll, please!)

For the first time since we started our little writing venture, we've hit 100,000 clicks in a month!

And, it's only the 25th, bitches! We still have five more days to kick some blog-ass!

So, two things. One, a huge *MWAH* to all of you who read and pass along and comment and laugh and especially snort coffee. We heart you big time.

Two, to the person who clicked just a moment ago - at 10:26:31am who's from Minneapolis, MN (yes, we're a little stalker-y, but we come bearing gifts, so that's like legalized stalking.) we have an *awesome* THANK YOU gift! Write us at lydia.and.kate@rantsfrommommyland.com and we'll get your deets.

You gals are ah-may-zing. Thanks for making this so much fun!

xoxo K&L

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SGW: Mommyland Summer Reading List

Kate and Lydia would like to extend our thanks to fabulous and brilliant Mrs. Darling, mom of Wendy, John and Michael, for writing this guest post for us and bringing just a little literary light into our Facebook-drenched lives. 
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Welcome to the Rants From MommyLand Summer Reading List.

Yes, I know - "READING? As in, you expect me to READ a book? Are you completely insane? I am the matriarch to clan of snarling wildebeests that cannot be tamed and will not be caged until school opens again in the fall. These beasts - who are also my most beloved and precious children for whom I will fight to the death anyone who says different- are at this moment slathered with sunblock and peanut butter and are now rolling on the astroturf outside the garden center and you think I'm going to take up your list and READ?"

To this, I offer you a "Please sit down" and a "Would you like a glass of adult refreshment?" and a "Your child is playing on the playground with nice friends and hasn't approached you for all of three minutes" or "Hey- your cousins' daughter- not the one with the tramp stamp, the other one, has offered to play with all of your kids in the pool for ten golden minutes" and "Look-you're the last car in the pick up line for camp- what to do?" You have the time- it may be brief but - fortheloveofMaude - it is your time so why don't you get some easy and quick entertainment right now in the form of a... book?

As with any book list, this is a specialized list. These are basically books that can be universally appreciated by mommies. Before anyone gets their literary hey-I-have-a-life-outside-the-domicile-that-doesn't-include-mommy-lit hackles up, let me say that I agree completely - to a point. I love all sorts of books but I must say that come mid July, when I've had all my kiddles with me with little break, I start to reach for the familiar with a twist . The Road or some other such wordy tome will still be around and waiting to impress and depress when I emerge from the sunny summer cocoon in September. Right now it’s time to break out the fun reads.

So go to your library (these are not new books- you will find them) or score the 'practically new' one on Amazon for 75 cents. Stick them in the side door pocket of your car, stuff them in your purse, and make sure there's at least two in the pool bag. Those five minutes while the kids splatter ice cream at one another in front of DQ are yours- use them wisely.

The categories, in no particular order, are as follows:

MAMACENTRIC
1) Kids book that you pick up at the library and think that this will be fun for read aloud time because it was a movie for kids a few years back, then you glance through it at home and think holy wow my progeny will not sleep for weeks if they hear one page of this and when you take it for your own bedtime reading you won't either: Coraline by Neil Gaimen. Scary story about a resourceful girl who has to save her parents and herself from the clutches of her spider-like "Other Mother". Spooky fanciful stuff that appeals to adults. In the end, it gives a huge shout out to imperfect parents- my favorite sort of ending.

2) Buffy is One of Us: OK, that's the quick and easy way to get around the fact that Carpe Demon by Julie Kenner is basically the wish fulfilment for any lovers of all things Joss Whedon. The book, the first in the series of "The Days and Nights of a Demon Hunting Soccer Mom", chronicles the adventures of a typical suburban mommy, Kate, who comes out of retirement as a demon hunter when her family is threatened. Her family has no clue to her past and her only help is her best friend and her watcher, um sorry- her aliamentore and the knowledge that she is the chosen one, the slay-sorry- the hunter. The books are fun but with enough depth to so that you won't hate yourself for spending ten minutes locked in the bathroom reading the last chapter.

(Editor's note: Wait a second, why does KATE get to be vampire slayer?? Not even fair.  I'm the Buffy freak. - Lydia)
3) The hysterical mom in book form who is fun to hang with but would be physically exhausting if you had to deal with her more than one playdate a week: Mother on Fire by Sandra Tsing Loh. Let me start by saying I love her book but only in the tiny increments that mommy reading allows. I think that if I had to hang on tight and go for more than one hour with this true life tale of Loh trying to get her oldest daughter into a good kindergarten in LA, I would have been even less capable of coherent thought than I am already. This woman RANTS- and not in the fun Kate and Lydia way- it's more of a sustained shriek of funny that tackles being over forty, underemployed and suddenly realising that your kids might not get the best and it's all your fault. I can't say that I can completely relate to the whole my-kid-needs-best-school-in-the-world, but I was usually laughing too hard to care.

4) Food Flashback: Even if you've never seen Mad Men (which you really should- if only that you can be smug in the fact that Don Draper and all of his cronies are in for a nasty comeuppance around 1973) I'm sure you know the basic story on the home front side: frustrated June Cleavers trapped in big houses and pearls mourning the independence that they will never have etc. Now, instead of Betty Draper hooking up with some random guy in a posh bar during the Cuban missile crisis (really- it's that kind of twisted piece of history that I love) imagine that she reads The I Hate to Cook Book by Peg Bracken instead. Skies would open, drinks would flow freely, samba music would play, happiness would abound and Don- who likes his ladies quietly miserable- would be bereft.

This lovely time capsule, which first came out in 1960, is in a word, fabulous to read. Not for the food- which really leans heavily on the "condensed cream of celery and cheddar cheese can brighten any vegetable" school of culinary yuckiness, but for Peg Bracken's prose. "This is a book" she announces on the first page "for those of us who want to fold our big dishwater hands around a dry martini instead of a wet flounder come the end of a long day". With chapters such as "Potluck Suppers or How to Bring the Water for the Lemonade" and instructions to "let it cook five minutes while you light a cigarette and stare sullenly at the sink." you can finally get an idea what our grandmothers' might have really been doing half a century ago.

5) Book you may have already read or maybe not because Jennifer Weiner is always churning out a new book about feisty gals: Goodnight Nobody by Jennifer Weiner. A mystery set in the posh suburbs of NYC. Outsider mommy Kate stumbles across a murdered supermom and the amateur sleuthing begins. The mystery is just ok, but the lavish life details will keep you reading: Her best friend is an heiress who loves to babysit! Despite her frumpy outsider mommy in plus size jeans status she attracts the handsome PI! Her husband takes her for granted and then realises what a jerk he has been and begs for forgiveness while she convalesces in a charming beach house! Her three kids under five are disturbingly well behaved! Wow- who wouldn't put up with a little carnage if it came with all those trappings? You may be concerned that the intricacies of the mystery story will be hard to follow if you keep picking up and dropping the book every few days. Although I admire Jennifer Weiner's writing immensely, I can confidently give you a hearty "don't worry about the plot" review. Sometimes, that can be bliss.

(Editor's Note: Again, Kate gets to solve crime and be awesome and there is no Lydia in sight.  Hardly fair.  Just saying. - Lydia)

BOOKS THAT HAVE NOTHING TO WITH MOMMYING BUT WE HAVE RICH INNER LIVES AND APPRECIATE ALL BOOKS, SO THERE.
6) Get your fancy book reading done- with zombies! This will be an interactive Jane Austen troika. Find a decent copy of Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen (cheaply found- and I think penguin classics has it for a dollar) and get Pride and Prejudice and Zombies from the library. Wrap the two books together with your daughter's scrunchie for easy handling. When time (even three minutes) allows read the zombie version and refer back to the original- or switch if you like. When you have finished you can be proud of the fact that you have read a book that everyone claims to love (but only half have read) while getting some zombie fighting ninja action on the side. Do it this summer before Natalie Portman ruins it with her movie version. For extra credit, get a modern book that is basically a fan letter to P&P (Brigid Jones' Diary, Austenland etc) and enjoy.

(Editor's note: How THE HELL did I not know about this?  On my way to Border's right now. Just. Try. And. Stop. Me. - Lydia)

7) Read this- don't watch that: Julie and Julia by Julie Powell. Alright, full confession- I haven't seen the movie. Everyone who's told me about the film talks about the 'Julia Child movie' and how Amy Adams is 'so cute'. Excuse me? The real Julie Powell- whose year long blog is the basis for the book and movie- is many things but she is not cute. Powell was unhappy over the state of her life and decided to throw herself into cooking her way through Mastering the Art of French Cooking while chronicling her few successes and many failures. Her writing is fiercely funny and full of words and situations you can't tell your kids about- be warned. The cover of the book will probably be the one with Meryl Streep and cutie pie Amy Adams in halos of glowing good will- use that to your advantage. Nothing says "I am perfect wonder mommy hear me roar" than if your choice of reading material is a sweet story about cooking for those you love- no one needs to know the truth.

8) Eric and Bill, whenever you need them: The Southern Vampire series by Charlaine Harris. Picture this- you have had an awe inspiringly awful day. No AC/husband out of town /pool closed/broken toe- just add on one of your favorites- but you finally have them settled down with their Lego warriors and have promised them dinner in ten minutes. On the way to the kitchen, you stop by the TV and realise that your True Blood disc is still in the player- maybe it's still at the point where you left it last night when Sookie and Bill where about to....Five minutes later you are in crumbled heap of happy on the rug watching the best show in the whole wide world when you hear "Mawmee- Ben told me that....AAAK! what at dey doing on da. TV? are dey hurting?".

This would have never happened if you had the book on hand. Yes, you lose a few of the best characters (like Tara) and parts can drag, but the books coupled with your own imagination can have an explosive effect on a story all your own. And therapy for your children will not be necessary.

DEEPLY DISTURBING BOOK ABOUT SUBURBAN PARENTS DURING ONE SPECIAL SUMMER
9) Guaranteed to put you in a funk although you will also love it: Little Children by Tom Perotta. Opening in the playground on a typical summer day, the novel finds Sarah, a deeply unhappy young mother making a radical change by.......Oh forget it- read it in October.

FANTASTICALLY WONDERFUL BOOK THAT ENRICHES YOUR READING LIFE
10) So? Have any favorites? You must have some.

(Editor's note: Does Judy Blume count? Because I am seriously considering re-reading Are You There God, Its Me Margaret this summer. - Lydia)

Please let Kate and Lydia know- maybe then Lydia will return my copy of Julie and Julia.

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So if you have a favorite summer read - let us know and we'll compile a kick-ass list of fun books that will make your summer even more awesome.

xo, Kate & Lydia


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urtles, Inc. 2009 - 2010

Thursday, June 24, 2010

The Tween-der Years: McGee's Birthday

McGee officially entered Tweendom yesterday. Eleven. Eleven going on twenty-six-and-still-living-at-home. It's going to be an interesting next few years. Mostly because I'm pretty sure I'm raising another version of myself. And look how I turned out.

I'm pretty sure the world can do without another Kate. Yeah.

So, I thought I'd put on my Cool Mom hat and let her invite up to twenty friends [yes, I was out of my damn mind] over after school for hanging out and music and popcorn and movie and dancing to *sigh* Justin Beiber. We printed up some invitations, you know, "join us from after school until 6:30pm..." because while I'm pretty sure I have the wherewithal to withstand the onslaught of twenty 11-year olds, it would only last for two hours before Hurricane Kate hit.

Unfortunately, after she got to school, McGee took some, ummm, editorial liberties with the invitation, and changed the end time to 8pm. Whuck?! And I only found out when moms started e-mailing with their giddy/elated/she-must-be-out-of-her-damn-mind-quick-RSVP-before-she-comes-to-her-senses notes of "John will be happy to attend. Good for you for braving dinner with all of them. [Husband] and I finally get to go to Happy Hour! You're the best!"

I finally got suspicious and asked McGee.

"Oh, it wasn't long enough, so I changed the time. Daddy said I could..."

WHUCK?! Daddy does not live here. Daddy lives up the street. Is Daddy going to be Part Deux of this little progressive party? Is the dinner hour at his house? Can I please send the army of pre-teen howler monkeys the eight house walk up to his house for sustenance? Because I just went to the grocery store 45 minutes ago and there's still not enough food in my house to feed all those kids. Besides, do I look like I feel like seeing what life is like for a Duggar?

Fortunately by the time I greeted all of them after school for the mile walk home in 97 degree weather, all parents were duly informed that their Happy Hour was canceled. If I can't tap a t-box, neither can they.

And, for the next two hours, I walked around my house with a newspaper section and a Sharpie. Lydia came over to watch the craziness. And, being that this was their first Girl/Boy Party, I wore out two newspaper sections. So did Lydia.

[walking home]
Friend 1: "McGee, you totally look just like your mom!"
Friend 2: "Yeah! Except for she's taller...and your hair color...and kinda in the face. And, you know."
Friend 1: "Boobs?"
Friend 2: "Yeah."

[overheard in McLovin's "office"]
Boy: "Who's that?
Girl: "It's Elvis. Her Other Dad is like obsessed with him."
Boy: "Her Other Dad is obsessed with a dude?"
Girl: "Yeah, but he died. So it's OK."
Boy: "Who died?"
Girl: "Ugh. Elvis did."
Boy: "OK, good, because that would be weird."

Friend: "McGee, does your mom really have hidden video cameras in the house?"
McGee: "Yeah."
Friend: "That's just wrong."
McGee: "Yeah, but it's also funny. Especially when someone falls."

Girl: "Who wants to write on me?"

[Fourteen screams of ME! ME! ME! followed by spontaneous appearance of way too many Sharpies]
Girl now looks like an inner city overpass. Kate feels, somehow, she's to blame for this. She totally is. Other girls follow suit. Clearly.

[two girls talking about their cell phones]
Girl 1: "I like your phone."
Girl 2: "Thanks. It's a Razr."
Girl 1: "It says Motorola."
Girl 2: "It's a Motorola Razr. Duh."
Girl 1: "That's so cool. My mom says I can't shave until I'm 12."

[on choosing a movie to watch]
Best Friend: "Let's take a vote on the count of three! ONE! TWO! THREE!"
[HOWLER MONKEY SCREAMING]
McGee, over the din: "OhmyGod it's like the Iowa Caucus in here!"
[instant confused silence]
McGee, to me: "Great. Thanks Mom. You made me a dork."

[after movie is on]
Girl: "John, I can't see! Move your head!"
John: "It can't be that big. I haven't eaten anything yet."

Eleven-year old boy, known in the group as McGee's boyfriend, [Editor's Note: I think I'll call him Ron Burgundy. - Kate] slowly snakes his arm around McGee's shoulders as the movie plays. Glances around the room to make sure everyone can see his "move." Makes eye contact with another boy and exudes so much smug satisfaction that he would make Gwyneth Paltrow proud. Makes eye contact with Kate. Looks scared. Gets pale. Removes arm.

[during the opening of the presents]
Girl 1: [screams] "Open mine!"
Girl 2: "NO! MINE! MINE!
Girl 3: "Oh, do mine first! Otherwise you'll think it sucks because we only had 10 minutes to pick it out."
McGee opens this gift.
Girl 1: "Ooh! Lip gloss. Ohmygosh! Perfume! [Editor's Note: These were things I was specifically asked not to purchase. Kate cringes at what we call the Trampy Teenager Starter Kit. You know, day-glo red orange nail polish called "Mello"; something that resembles, but isn't, makeup; scented and -- Good Maude - edible body lotion. Somewhere, on Whore Island, a clown has found her boudoir drawers raided. - Lydia]
Girl 3: "Well?"
McGee: "I LOVE IT!"
[Kate looks constipated]

After his nap, Happy comes downstairs. He's greeted with screams of "HAPPY! HAPPY! "Happy I want the first hug!" Then jostling of bodies as they all position themselves for the first Happy hug. Happy, with a deer in the headlights look, just hugs the first kid in front of him. Then runs like hell.

Girl: "Ooh, look at that gift box! It's so pretty!"
McGee: "I love the box."
Thumbelina: "Ooh, I love that box too..."
Boy: "Really? Boxes? They're boxes."
[three girls glare at him]

The last gift is from Ron Burgundy. They've all saved it for last. To great fanfare. It's a pretty little necklace that looks like a little silver bow. McGee smiles at Ron Burgundy. Happy scowls at this and smacks him. Hard.


[scent of perfume fills the air]
McGee: "This is awesome! I smell like...like..."
Kate: "Oh, good Maude. [eyes tear up]
Lydia: "I can't smell it. Stupid cold."
Kate: "It's like Tranny Hooker meets a Las Vegas Funeral Home. Without Wayne Newton to distract you."


Lydia here. A group of five girls circle Kate following the McGee/Ron gift moment, asking her if she's OK with the whole "boyfriend" situation. Kate nods.
Girl 1: "My mom wouldn't be."
Girl 2: "My dad would FREAK OUT!"
Kate: "Why?"
Girl 3: "Because we're WAY too young to have boyfriends."
Kate's turn to grow pale and look scared.

[knock on door]
Girl: "RON! Your mom is here!
Girl 2: "C'mon McGee - go meet your mother-in-law!"
[Kate throws up in her mouth.]

[as party is ending, kids back outside]
McGee, to Kate: "Why are you stalking us with the newspaper and a Sharpie?"
Kate: "You'll see."


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Tuesday, June 22, 2010

The Funniest Things Our Kids Ever Said - Part Deux

Here's the Part Deux!  If you missed Part Une - click here.  In this addition, small children discuss parts.  And take things apart.  It's pretty awesome.

Enjoy...

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My kids just figured out that the words "peanuts" and "penis" sound alike. And it's the funniest thing in the history of ever. Examples abound:

Kid 1: Charlie in my class is allergic to peanuts and tree nuts.
Kid 2: Then how does he pee? HAAAAAA!!!!
Kid 1: HAAAAAWWWWWWW! (stops laughing and looks deadly serious for one minute) I'm allergic to your peanuts because it is asgusting. (then falls out laughing at the hilarity of her own joke) Bwaaa haa haaa!
Kid 2: I don't care - I loooove my peanuts. (looks fondly at his junk and gives it a nice pat).

Kid 1: Do you want some of these penis cookies?
Kid 2: Oh yes I just love penis cookies! (snicker)
Kid 1: HHAAAAAWWWWW! Penis! Cookies! So! Funny! (rolling around on floor unable to breathe)

Kid 2: Hey Daddy, how come in the baseball song they say to buy me some penis?
Daddy: What? Huh?
Kid 2: Buy me some penis and cwackerjacks. What does it mean?
Kid 1: (giggling at the audacity of Kid 2)
Kid 2: Can you buy me some penis please? I'd really like that.

And it never gets old. For them.

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When my son was about 6 and his little brother was just getting mobile I took a shower *gasp* and left the two of them to watch a video in the TV room. When I got out I went to check on them and found ONLY my oldest son playing quietly *double gasp* all by himself. When I asked him where his little brother was he simply looked up at me and said "Let's just say he's somewhere nice and QUIET." WTF?! In total panic I start grilling him while frantically looking in cupboards, ovens, trash cans, etc for my younger son until FINALLY my older one admitted he put him IN THE CAR IN THE GARAGE!!! Sure enough, I opened up the door to find my younger one sitting in the drivers seat smiling at me like a crazy person.

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This one might not be that funny but it sure was one of those WTH was he thinking moments. When I was huge pregnant with my second son and having a bit of a tummy issue I got stuck in the bathroom for a good 5-10 minutes while my then 5-year old son played in the playroom. Towards the end of my "session" I heard a horribly loud THUD come from upstairs (where all the bedrooms were located) so I yanked myself together and ran up the stairs two at a time (not easy when you're giant pregnant with toilet paper stuck to you).

I walked towards my son's room to find him sitting in the middle of his bedroom floor, screwdriver in hand and the ENTIRE DOOR TO HIS BEDROOM laying beside him. At second glance I realized the kid had managed to SCALE the pantry shelves in order to obtain a screw driver (the correct kind I may add) and completely take the whole DOOR off the HINGES. I asked him WTH was going on and he simply said to me "I wanted it off."

Oh, my bad. Go on ahead.

The same week he took the damn water heater apart while I took a shower. We no longer keep screw drivers in our house.

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My almost 4yr old daughter likes to play with play dough. Her favorite is to "make" gourmet dishes and have me and my husband (and occasionally cats) eat the creations:

1. we try to mix it up a little by asking her to create off-the-wall dishes. It's cute to hear her try to repeat our orders when bringing back the dangerously-stacked chunks of black play dough. Don't know why, but she prefers to use all black. Anywho... I asked her to make me Shrimp Scampi. She comes back and tells me, "Mommy, here is your tramp skimpy!"

2. I'm trying not to laugh at her creation's name and forget to only PRETEND to eat the black mess. I totally inhale a bite of dough....Frick.

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So my almost four year old couldn't say her C/K's, i.e.: her older sister is Pora or Bora instead of Cora.  Well when we were eating dinner one Sunday evening (neighbors included) at my in-laws house, she tells everyone in her loud voice "I LOVE PORN!"

Yeah.  Now we eat corn in the privacy of our own house.

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My son is obsessed with Toy Story and has all the dolls. One night, we went out for ice cream after dinner. The server took our order and started to walk away, when out of nowhere, my son calls to her in his really loud voice, "And I have a Woody!!" She just walked away a little faster!

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Our family was going on a weekend to the mountains of North Carolina one Easter. I packed my 4 year old son's bag for him with all his clothes and sat it by the door to be loaded in the car.

When we got to our relatives' house in NC, I took his bag to his room to get him settled. When I opened it up, there was one t-shirt and about 200 matchbox cars. I nearly lost my schmidt until he said to me "but Mama- I had to repack it because all the clothes took up the room I needed for my cars."
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My son and I were in the grocery store and I hear his little angelic voice say, "Mommy look it's Mickey Mouse." I am looking everywhere. Lunchboxes, Ice Cream aisle everywhere the little pipsqueak could have seen the Disney creation. Mind you we do not live in California or Florida where Mickey spottings are probably pretty prevalent.

He's tugging on my hand and now pointing at "Mickey." To my horror he is pointing to a young black gentleman walking in front of us with his well coiffed afro in pigtails. From the back, to a 3 year old (at the time) I guess he did look like Mickey. I think my face said it all to the gentleman when he turned around. He laughed and went about his way.

My son however was horrified he didn't get to have his picture taken with Mickey Mouse. It was a while before I took him to the grocery store again.
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Setting: I take almost 3 year-old Pumpkin Pie in a public bathroom after he announces to my office that he needs to pee. We go in the handicapped stall as it will fit us both best and appears to be the cleanest. He is standing on my feet (so he can reach the toilet) peeing and looking at the hand rail next to the toilet.

Pumkin Pie: Mommy, isn't that rail pretty?
Me: Um, yes, very silvery.
PP: I really like it.
Me: Yes, it's very nice. (thinking, where is he going with this?)
PP: Is it clean?
Me: I guess so. (In comparison with the rest of the public restroom, right?)
PP: Can I lick it?

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I decided that telling my kids the proper names for body parts was not a good idea when my 2nd daughter had a rash. She was about 2/12-3 yrs old. We were in a shopping mall and she said loudly "My gina is sore" A little boy standing near by, about the same age, said "She has a Dinosaur?" I said "YES, she does!" and abruptly left the store with a very red face!
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When my son was about 4 1/2 we checked out a book from the library called "RataPata SkataFata" (or something like that). We'd been reading it for days, the story was about a little island boy who was always looking for a way out his chores and every time his mom assigned him a task he would close his eyes and say "ratapata skatafata" three times and his wish would come true, thus making it possible to escape his chores.

So after reading this book for about a week I took Little Man to the park one day, as I was getting all of our crap out of the car I noticed him hunched over, eyes closed whispering "RataPata SkataFata." When he had said it three times he opened his eyes and looks at me in utter astonishment and just like MAGIC had occurred he said in awe "My wish came TRUE!" Me, being so won over with his sweet innocent enthusiasm gushed "Oh baby what did you wish for?!" With a slow, EVIL grin he says, ever so slyly "That you were ugly" and turns with a snicker and walks away. For REAL?! I stood there, mouth open, trying to figure out if I should laugh or kick his smart a**.

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I was at a store waiting to return something & a girl was bending over doing one of those computerized applications when my 3yr old son yelled, "Mom-ney, Look! Look Mom-ney, a fat hiney! A fat hiney just like you! 2 fat hineys mommy, 2 of those!"
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When my son was about 4 we were rushing for church I put him in the shower with me and he asked "mama where your penis??? I said, "Ummm, honey, boys have a penis and girls have vaginas." Unfazed he went about putting his clothes on wrong. We rush into church and on our way out our Pastor is standing to say goodbye to everyone. We stop and he bends down to my son my son tells him "Hey boys have penisisiss and my mom has a hairy giant!"

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Thanks so much for sharing your funnies with us!
xo, Kate & Lydia


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The Funniest Things Our Kids Ever Said Part Une

Someone suggested that we put together a list of the funniest things our kids have ever said.  So we put out the call - and Jiminy Christmas - did you answer the call.  We have been laughing ourselves silly ever since the stories started coming in. 

Thank you so much for sharing them with us.  Don't forget to check back this afternoon for Part Deux...

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When my son was 3 my brother got married. We stayed in a pretty swanky hotel for the wedding and upon arriving, he told my father that he LOVED his new house. We all giggled and thought it was so cute until the next day. We were in our room (we had brought a good friend to help us since my husband and I were both in the wedding) and he looked at me dead on (with a room full of people) and asked me if I was aware that there were hookers in the closet at this ho and tell? After almost peeing myself (my mother was not as amused) he said, "you know, you did not need to bring them, the hookers are already in there." ( I composed and realized he was talking about hangers).

Thinking that had just topped my weekend, after the wedding my friend took him out the side of the church - thinking he was following behind her - he decided to drop his pants to his ankles and pee in the bushes right as the church was unloading (fantastic!). My sister-in-law is awesome and loves my son - and now has 3 of her own so knows anything is possible! (BTW he called a hotel a ho and tell till he was 6 b/c we never corrected him - we just found it too funny!)
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My oldest niece once introduced me to her neighbors as "Auntie Kitty Big Boobs".  It was the first time the neighbors met my brother's family.

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My partner Elise has been on disability during her entire pregnancy and we've been trying to emphasize that to our 5 year old that he needs to help more. So, one day in the kitchen, Elise dropped something and I said, "Son, can you pick that up for her?" He pauses, turns around and says, "Momma, I think the pregnant lady just needs to 'man up.'"

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I went to pick my oldest up from daycare and my end of day report included this story.... While outside on the playground, my darling daughter spotted a chipmunk. She yelled, "Look a Shit-munk!" All of her friends were very excited. When corrected and told it was pronounced Chipmunks - her reply, "yeah, that is what I said" and for the rest of the day and weeks to come, they were known as "shit-munks'.  And all of her friends pronounced it that way too.

A few short weeks later- it was getting cold- and my little gem strikes again. She walks up to the teacher pointing to her lips, "My lips are chapped. I need some 'shit-stick'.

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Road rage rubbed off on my oldest kid and her daddy got blamed! While in the car with my parents- someone cut off my dad. Adorable daughter, in a snarky voice, proclaimed, "Jackass!" My mom immediately blamed my dad- from then on... when I drive, it became, "Jackie".

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In the grandparents pool with 50 blue hairs in Tampa.

Ally (3): Mom! (yelling at the top of her voice) Are you allowed to pee in the pool?!
Me: No!...
Ally: Oh. Sorry!!
Blue hairs: gone.

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When Kid #1 was around 3-1/2, we were in an airport. He needed to go potty, so we went into the handicapped stall. He was done and I was trying to get the toilet paper for him, which was being stubborn (would only tear off one at a time). Under my breath, I muttered, "Stupid toilet paper". He says, very sternly and loudly, "Mommy! We don't say stupid! We say DAMMIT." From a few stalls down, I hear this woman burst into laughter. All I could do was chuckle. We go out to wash hands, and she is still giggling, and says, "You just made my day!" We went on our happy way, and when it came time to get on the flight, I am struggling down this full airplane aisle, when I see the SAME WOMAN, still giggling! She says, "There's my guy! I called my sister from the terminal to tell her what happened!" We both got a good laugh!

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My 4-1/2 year old boy was naked in his room after his bath, and I said to him for the 217th time, "Please get your hands off of your penis." He stomps his foot and says, "But I LIKE my penis!" Rock on, little dude. Rock on.
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    My daughter was helping me to fold laundry the other day when she grabbed a pair of my undies and said "Mommy you have HUUUUUGGGGGEEEE panties!" OMG, I almost died laughing.

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    My little daughter likes to sing the firetruck song, they taught it to her at daycare, but when she was 2 she couldn't say the 'TR' noise right so it sounded something like this: "Fire Fuck, Fire Fuck, I want to ride the Fire Fuckkkk!" *Insert parents trying really hard not to laugh*

    ------------------------------------------

    My sweet angelic 8 month old is just learning to talk, if you say him to say dadda, he says in the sweetest little demonic, sling blade type of voice, "mama,mama,mama,mama" and he growls when he says it too. I'm not even kidding, we call him sling blade now because he looks like him too! :) I could go on for years with funny stuff my kids have said! Thanks ladies, we love you!

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    My son, whose 3 1/2, is constantly saying hilarious things, such much so that I started a Facebook page for him - it's "Nixon says..." Anyway, this is what he told me Thursday afternoon when he got home from school. "When I pooped at school today and was wiping my hiney, I busted my fingers through the paper, and got poo on these two fingers. It's true, Mommy. Mrs. Barlow forgot to tell you. I rubbed some of it on my yeg - it's true. It's so true!"

    My other recent favorite happened after we watched a video online of a mama moose & her babies playing in someone's backyard sprinkler... "I like the mama (moose) the best - it yooks yike she has a wiener under her neck."

    ----------------------------------------

    My son is 2-and-a-half and he's constantly making me laugh. Alex adores Dr. Seuss, and we were still reading How the Grinch Stole Christmas in April. My husband and I had just gotten into a HUGE fight that evening and weren't talking to one another. At bedtime, I snuggled my son up to me on the couch and started reading The Grinch. When I got to the part about him "staring down from his cave with a sour, Grinchy frown....", Alex pointed to the picture and said "Daddy!" My husband stared across the living room with a sour, grinchy frown as I assured him I had nothing to do with that comment. Secretly, it was all I could do not to give Alex a high-five, a kiss, and a bowl of ice cream! He still insists that the picture is Daddy.

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    Me: having to slam on the brakes to avoid running a red light with my own mother in the front seat.
    3 year old: SHIT!
    Me: deer-in-the-headlights guilty look at my mom's scowl
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    My husband takes our 3 year old daughter fishing for a couple hours so I can get some "me" time. While there, a couple young scantily-clad hussies, er - women (who are there to sunbathe, don't even have fishing poles) are paying my husband quite a bit of attention. "What bait are you using? What's that fish? Wow- it's so big! Oh, you're married..." yada yada... My daughter gets bored and so hubby gives her an empty Gatorade bottle to play in the water with. My daughter very smartly fills it up with cold fish water, walks over to the sun-bathing beauties and POURS IT OUT ON THEM! I've never been prouder. :)

    -----------------------------------------------------------

    When my son was 3 I was cooking dinner and he was drawing at the dinner table. He asked me "Mommy, do you have a penis?" and then before I could answer he said "Oh no, wait....you have a....um....a.....BEARD!"

    --------------------------------------------------------------------

    Just yesterday
    My 4 year old son: "Mama, Ursula (the sea witch) has testicles"
    Me: *double take and snort* "What? No Ursula does not have testicles."
    Son: "Yes she does! Daddy said that Ursula has testicles! URSULA HAS TESTICLES!!!"
    Me: "Wait, do you mean tenticles?"
    Son: "Yeah she has tenticles."

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    Stay tuned for the next installment in a couple of hours!



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