I really don't like to be such a snarky snitch, but I have truly gone all flabby and gross (mentally and physicially) this vacation so I need to purge it all out of my brain - like wringing dirty water from a sponge - so I can go back to being a nice Mommy again. Enjoy!
Kim Kardashian: We’re sorry to inform you but there are no more pro athletes left for you to “date” unless you decide to start perusing the professional bowling league, or begin stalking male figure skaters.
Tiger Woods: We just issued Miss Kardashian a similar warning, but you're going to have to change your “dating” habits. You've been banned from both Hooters and IHOP, so those waitresses are out. Recently, the International Union of Pole Dancers, Sex Workers and Porn Stars has issued a cease and desist order against your junk and your cell phone – so you're out of luck there too. The upside? You can still go to the Waffle House whenever you want. Also, when you get a moment, could you call Bret Favre and tell him all this applies to him, too? You might want to block texts from his line though. Thanks.
Heidi Montag: At this rate, in order for anyone to pay any attention to Heidi, she is going to have to surgically remove her entire head and have it replaced by a large cantaloupe in a Kim Zolciak wig. Wait. What? She did that last year?
Snooki: When I heard they were putting her in a ball on New Year's eve, I was like “that makes total sense.” Because there’s a natural affinity between Snooki and balls, obviously. Also, I always thought she looked a lot like that hamster from the movie “Bolt.” Except that the hamster is awesome.
In the meantime, we need more MommyPorn. Where's the InStyle?
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