Friday, January 7, 2011

Celebrities Who Will Likley be Very Disappointed in 2011

You know who's going to be super disappointed in 2011? Celebrities. Well, not all celebrities. Just the ones who -- in general -- spent a good portion of 2010 doing spectacularly stupid things. Hello, John Mayer. And, even if they made resolutions, based on the time-tested perspective of Mommyland combined with dilligent research [Editor's Note: People and UsWeekly...you know, Mommy Porn. -Lydia] those things are already as broken as a 9-iron over Tiger Wood's skull.

I really don't like to be such a snarky snitch, but I have truly gone all flabby and gross (mentally and physicially) this vacation so I need to purge it all out of my brain - like wringing dirty water from a sponge - so I can go back to being a nice Mommy again.  Enjoy!

Jillian Michaels: I am not unique in my efforts towards ass-reduction and the deployment of Jillian’s considerable talents towards that end. I expect that despite my best efforts, I will probably not emerge swan-like, from The 30 Day Shred (now on day 46) and begin a career as a swimsuit model. Jillian will be flaring her over-sized nostrils of doom and snorting in disgust and fury at my inability to be hardcore and resist the temptation of boxed wine and expensive cheese. Jillian, I say this with love, respect and gratitude but please suck it. I only eat brie on the weekends.


Hugh Hefner: You just got engaged again? To another blonde in her early twenties who looks exactly like the last one? For the love of MAUDE, man – you’re 84 years old. You are 60 YEARS her senior. What exactly are you hoping to gain from this union? Anything you need her to do for you, you can hire a nurse for. Let's be honest, Hef, neither a Viagra mine nor the pool from the movie "Cocoon" will make you 64 again. You're old. 


Hugh Hefner’s new fiancĂ©e Crystal Harris: Ummm, did you stop after the first chapter of the Anna Nicole Smith story?  Let me skip forward for you. This is a lose/lose situation. You know Hef has an iron-clad pre-nup because he was alive and paying attention when God created lawyers. So if he dies, you might get a little money (ironically all in singles), and the distinction of being one of at least 345,678 blonds that’s had the honor of literally or figuratively “bedding” Hugh Hefner. And if he lives – which he may very well continue to do for another 100 years - you’ll be very busy leading a glamorous life of wiping his assorted parts while wearing Juicy Couture track pants. Mazel Tov!

Jessica Simpson: I understand you just got engaged, too. Congratulations!  Now get ready for the paparazzi to make you feel like schmidt. You’re a lovely girl and a very impressive businesswoman (what with the singing and acting and shoes and the make-up and fragrance line and all) but all that counts for nothing because all anyone cares about is the size of your ass and how ugly your outfit is.  And that is the sad and ugly truth.


Kim Kardashian: We’re sorry to inform you but there are no more pro athletes left for you to “date” unless you decide to start perusing the professional bowling league, or begin stalking male figure skaters.


Tiger Woods: We just issued Miss Kardashian a similar warning, but you're going to have to change your “dating” habits. You've been banned from both Hooters and IHOP, so those waitresses are out. Recently, the International Union of Pole Dancers, Sex Workers and Porn Stars has issued a cease and desist order against your junk and your cell phone – so you're out of luck there too. The upside? You can still go to the Waffle House whenever you want.  Also, when you get a moment, could you call Bret Favre and tell him all this applies to him, too? You might want to block texts from his line though. Thanks.


LeeAnne Rhimes and Eddie Cibrian: It is just so sweet and precious that after all the drama of breaking up two marriages that you’re now engaged to be married and with such a beautiful ring. How nice for you both! Just remember though - as my grandmom Joyce from NJ would say - you just bought that cow.

[Editor's Note: We're not sure which one is the cow in this scenario.]


Heidi Montag: At this rate, in order for anyone to pay any attention to Heidi, she is going to have to surgically remove her entire head and have it replaced by a large cantaloupe in a Kim Zolciak wig. Wait. What? She did that last year?


John Mellencamp: I’m pretty sure you're not going to do any better, buddy. Sorry, but you look like a surly, played-out member of the Lollipop Guild, where something went wrong, you killed Dorothy and the witch with a little pink house, did some time, made some shiv's and aged scary bad.


Snooki: When I heard they were putting her in a ball on New Year's eve, I was like “that makes total sense.” Because there’s a natural affinity between Snooki and balls, obviously. Also, I always thought she looked a lot like that hamster from the movie “Bolt.” Except that the hamster is awesome.

I claim no monopoly on trashy celebrity gossip, so if I missed someone whose collagen-inflated lips are bound to droop in the new year, please help me supplement the list.

In the meantime, we need more MommyPorn. Where's the InStyle?

(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2010

20 comments:

  1. My husband says he has never heard me say nastier things than when I'm about to do Jillian's 30DS. "Alright, you man-dressed-as-a-woman-with-your-testicles-as-boobs, I'll do your stupid chest flys, but I'd love for that weight to come crashing down on your face." Yes, and that's the PG version. She needs an appointment with a coma for the next 10 or so years. I hate her.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Miley Cyrus: How will you ever top your 2010 salvia (marijuana) bong scandal? Maybe you should follow in the immortal steps of elizabeth berkley or even better, one miss lindsay lohan (I won't even touch this one) (that's what he said) and go for broke: the dirty stripper role. I mean, you already dress the part, let's just get this over with. Maybe you can finally be the shining example to all those little disney machine tweens so that when my kid is ready to become obsessed with all those shows, I can trust that I don't have to explain what the herpes episode is all about.

    ReplyDelete
  3. What? Nothing about Lilo or David Arquette?

    ReplyDelete
  4. Glad you threw in Favre. What. A. Douche.

    ReplyDelete
  5. OMG as if the post wasn't funny enough, just when I thought it was safe to drink again I read the first comment by Erin and nearly snarfed!

    (darn I'm in Korea which means I either just logged in to this site to post this comment or I'm now signing up to stand on the DMZ and sing lullabies to the North Koreans. I really hope it's just signing in.)

    ReplyDelete
  6. As if the blog wasn't funny enough... I got down to the bottom of the page and am now taking a drink because I figure it's safe enough but no there's Erin's post and I nearly snarf my drink!

    Plus now I'm trying to post this comment and IDK if it's working or not because it keeps telling me some crap in Korean. So now I'm wondering if I'm trying to post a comment or volunteering to stand on the DMZ and sing lullabies to the North Koreans!

    ReplyDelete
  7. @Erin, HILARIOUS!! I'm sure also very true.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Bahahahahahaha! Thanks for starting my Friday off with a pee-your-pants laughing fit. Especially about Hugh. My burning question is ... do his 381 fiances get to keep their diamond rings? Cause' that MIGHT make the whole thing worth it ... well, maybe not. *shudder*

    ReplyDelete
  9. Jillian may have a great body, but she smiles like she hasn't pooped in two years. Everytime I see her smile on tv I cringe.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Lindsay Lohan. I'd LOVE to hear your take on the "starlet"!

    ReplyDelete
  11. Yes, your go at teh 30 Day Shred inspired Sarah and I (two single moms to two year olds) to give it a whirl. We fell on our faces:
    http://mandyandsarahs30dayshred.blogspot.com/

    ReplyDelete
  12. I'm pretty sure Mel Gibson will find something to get mad about in 2011.

    ReplyDelete
  13. These are the FUNNIEST comments I've ever read. My doggie is very concerned with the noises I'm making.
    --kate in michigan

    ReplyDelete
  14. The saddest thing about this post is that we (collectively) made these people famous. And most of them for NO APPARENT REASON!!!! My favorite would have to be Heidi Montag in the Kim Zolciak wig. Those two are ridiculous.

    ReplyDelete
  15. My husband is all "Jillian come and yell at me and beat me..." and I'm all "You know she's on the other team, right?" and he's all "I don't care...". Sometimes I wonder who I married.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Oooh, you need to check out the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills and unleash! LOL

    ReplyDelete
  17. @Erin, OhMyMaude, that is the funniest comment I've ever read here. Way. To. Be. And thanks for the laugh at work, ladies. Perhaps you could add your take on the *most* eligible Brad Womack? Please? :)

    ReplyDelete
  18. These made me laugh...except John Mellancamp. That's just sad. And who says blogs aren't educational? I did not previously know who Snooky is, nor did I know that Jillian was on the other team. Thank you for elevating my ability to dish.

    ReplyDelete
  19. When did John Mellencamp start to look like Dick Clark?

    ReplyDelete
  20. Omg! This was just hilarious! Thanks a lot for sharing!

    ReplyDelete

ShareThis

LinkWithin

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...

Popular Posts