Friday, January 7, 2011

Celebrities Who Will Likley be Very Disappointed in 2011

You know who's going to be super disappointed in 2011? Celebrities. Well, not all celebrities. Just the ones who -- in general -- spent a good portion of 2010 doing spectacularly stupid things. Hello, John Mayer. And, even if they made resolutions, based on the time-tested perspective of Mommyland combined with dilligent research [Editor's Note: People and UsWeekly...you know, Mommy Porn. -Lydia] those things are already as broken as a 9-iron over Tiger Wood's skull.

I really don't like to be such a snarky snitch, but I have truly gone all flabby and gross (mentally and physicially) this vacation so I need to purge it all out of my brain - like wringing dirty water from a sponge - so I can go back to being a nice Mommy again.  Enjoy!

Jillian Michaels: I am not unique in my efforts towards ass-reduction and the deployment of Jillian’s considerable talents towards that end. I expect that despite my best efforts, I will probably not emerge swan-like, from The 30 Day Shred (now on day 46) and begin a career as a swimsuit model. Jillian will be flaring her over-sized nostrils of doom and snorting in disgust and fury at my inability to be hardcore and resist the temptation of boxed wine and expensive cheese. Jillian, I say this with love, respect and gratitude but please suck it. I only eat brie on the weekends.


Hugh Hefner: You just got engaged again? To another blonde in her early twenties who looks exactly like the last one? For the love of MAUDE, man – you’re 84 years old. You are 60 YEARS her senior. What exactly are you hoping to gain from this union? Anything you need her to do for you, you can hire a nurse for. Let's be honest, Hef, neither a Viagra mine nor the pool from the movie "Cocoon" will make you 64 again. You're old. 


Hugh Hefner’s new fiancĂ©e Crystal Harris: Ummm, did you stop after the first chapter of the Anna Nicole Smith story?  Let me skip forward for you. This is a lose/lose situation. You know Hef has an iron-clad pre-nup because he was alive and paying attention when God created lawyers. So if he dies, you might get a little money (ironically all in singles), and the distinction of being one of at least 345,678 blonds that’s had the honor of literally or figuratively “bedding” Hugh Hefner. And if he lives – which he may very well continue to do for another 100 years - you’ll be very busy leading a glamorous life of wiping his assorted parts while wearing Juicy Couture track pants. Mazel Tov!

Jessica Simpson: I understand you just got engaged, too. Congratulations!  Now get ready for the paparazzi to make you feel like schmidt. You’re a lovely girl and a very impressive businesswoman (what with the singing and acting and shoes and the make-up and fragrance line and all) but all that counts for nothing because all anyone cares about is the size of your ass and how ugly your outfit is.  And that is the sad and ugly truth.


Kim Kardashian: We’re sorry to inform you but there are no more pro athletes left for you to “date” unless you decide to start perusing the professional bowling league, or begin stalking male figure skaters.


Tiger Woods: We just issued Miss Kardashian a similar warning, but you're going to have to change your “dating” habits. You've been banned from both Hooters and IHOP, so those waitresses are out. Recently, the International Union of Pole Dancers, Sex Workers and Porn Stars has issued a cease and desist order against your junk and your cell phone – so you're out of luck there too. The upside? You can still go to the Waffle House whenever you want.  Also, when you get a moment, could you call Bret Favre and tell him all this applies to him, too? You might want to block texts from his line though. Thanks.


LeeAnne Rhimes and Eddie Cibrian: It is just so sweet and precious that after all the drama of breaking up two marriages that you’re now engaged to be married and with such a beautiful ring. How nice for you both! Just remember though - as my grandmom Joyce from NJ would say - you just bought that cow.

[Editor's Note: We're not sure which one is the cow in this scenario.]


Heidi Montag: At this rate, in order for anyone to pay any attention to Heidi, she is going to have to surgically remove her entire head and have it replaced by a large cantaloupe in a Kim Zolciak wig. Wait. What? She did that last year?


John Mellencamp: I’m pretty sure you're not going to do any better, buddy. Sorry, but you look like a surly, played-out member of the Lollipop Guild, where something went wrong, you killed Dorothy and the witch with a little pink house, did some time, made some shiv's and aged scary bad.


Snooki: When I heard they were putting her in a ball on New Year's eve, I was like “that makes total sense.” Because there’s a natural affinity between Snooki and balls, obviously. Also, I always thought she looked a lot like that hamster from the movie “Bolt.” Except that the hamster is awesome.

I claim no monopoly on trashy celebrity gossip, so if I missed someone whose collagen-inflated lips are bound to droop in the new year, please help me supplement the list.

In the meantime, we need more MommyPorn. Where's the InStyle?

(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2010

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