Friday, January 21, 2011
Domestic Enemies of the Suburban Mom: Winter Edition
On the upside, I've taught them the art of keeping a clean one tucked up in their sleeve, just in case they come across a tearful sort while we're at Target. It's been known to happen.
Cold and Flu Season
This should be called by its more accurate name: "The Season of at Least Once Person Will Be Sick For Three Consecutive Months". If you're lucky - you're just dealing with colds and the flu and maybe one of the stupid viruses that gives you a nasty fever but no other symptoms. Kate's family recently had The Beast. Yes, friends - the stomach flu ran through every single person in her house - sometimes twice. There is nothing worse than being struck down buy the sickness that leaves you squirting out of both ends.
Also called "Go Play Outside! Oh that's right you can't for the next two months." And it goes a little something like this:
Step One: Dress children in snow pants, coats, hats, gloves, scarves. (20 minutes)
Step Two: Go outside and play. Wait for smallest child to say "I haffa go potty!" (10 minutes)
Step Three: Take small child back inside. Undress. Take to the potty. Simultaneously monitor activities of other children that are still outside smashing each other in the face with snow and shrieking. Redress small child who now insists on doing it all by themselves. (30 minutes)
Step Four: Return outside. Listen to your children complain that they are cold and want to go inside. Use deep breathing techniques to maintain temper and not lose your schmidt as you are in the front yard and the neighbors might hear. (14 minutes)
Step Six: After meeting demands for hot cocoa and getting children settled on sofa and enjoying first moment of quiet, you unknowingly step on a large piece of snow that has somehow found it's way into your family room and scream "SONOFA! That's COLD AS HELL!" at which point your children laugh uproariously at your expense and repeat your exact words over and over as if practicing to tell their father what you've taught them in his absence. (15 minutes)
Step Seven: Declare that no child shall play outside until after April 1. Understand that this will be impossible to enforce as your children's bad behavior will literally have you flinging them outside rather than listen to one more argument over Super Mario Bros or Just Dance 2. (1 minute)
Total elapsed time: Who the hell cares? It was all a stupid cluster as usual. Thanks, Winter.
(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2011