Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Misnomers in MommyLand

It occurred to me recently that I needed to keep track of something - all of the words that my kids get wrong.  Because I started this blog when my oldest daughter was 6.  She was the queen of getting words wrong and making adorable and inappropriate mistakes.  And because I didn't write them down, I've now forgotten more than I will ever remember.  It's a little like the lexicon of kid words.  It's just a few recent vignettes of when my kids thought a word meant something and it didn't.

Here we go...

While looking at a dinosaur book with my five year old son.
Lydia: Very good! That was a T-Rex.  Now,what kind of dinosaur is this?
Hawk: Oh. That's easy. That's a Vagisil.
Lydia: (Chokes - sprays coffee)
Hawk: Momma. That was a library book. (shakes head in disgust)

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While ever so quickly texting Kate while also preparing dinner and hearing all about a Girl Scout meeting...
Thumbelina (age 7): Mom, you're such a phony!
Hawk: Yah.
Mini (age 2): Yah.
Lydia: What? I am keeping it real every day, people.  I am from NEW JERSEY, and even though you have no idea what that means, just know it means that I am no phony.  I am totally upfront and straightforward and it very often gets me in trouble... Why do you all look confused?
Thumbelina: Momma. What are you talking about? Look in your hand. Your phone. You're super phony. All the time.
Lydia: Oh.Yes. I'm totally phony. (hangs head in shame)

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While watching TV, flipping channels...
Hawk: Momma! Go back. 
Lydia: Go back where? To what?
Hawk: To the guy with the buttstash.
Lydia: The WHAT?
Hawk: (sighing) The bald guy with the buttstash. 
Lydia: Buttstash?
Hawk: Yah. The hairy thing  - right here. (points to his upper lip).  Yah! That's the guy.

Buttstache, indeed.
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While walking into Target with their father.
Thumbelina: When did you meet mommy again?
Cap'n Coupon: I met your mom when I was in Law School.
Hawk: What the jabbers is LAW SCHOOL? (looks skeptical as if it is actually a made up term)
Thumbelina: (condescendingly superior) Hawk, Law School is exactly like high school.  Except its for old people.
Hawk: (looks at his father, nods) Yah.

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While reading a book about Eloise and her tutor Phillip going to a museum...
Thumbelina: Why does Eloise have a tutor?
Lydia: To teach her things.
Thumbelina: WHAT things?
Lydia: Lots of things. In this case, things about dinosaurs.
Thumbelina: And he gets paid? That's his job?
Lydia: Yes.
Thumbelina: (shrugs) I thought it was REALLY bad manners to toot.  But you say that's his job.  To toot and to teach kids how to do it.  I guess like a dinosaur.  I just... I don't get it.  Life is crazy.
Hawk: (nods thoughtfully - as if contemplating his future) Oh yah.
Chapter 1 is entitled "Pull My Finger".
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Do you have any Mommyland Misnomers to share? Leave comment here or shoot me an email @ Lydia.and.Kate@rantsfrommommyland.com
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If you liked this, you may also want to read the Lexicon of Awesome Kid Words:

(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2011

35 comments:

  1. Just today, my little guy said, "We didn't have time to have fidgical education today. Fidgical education is PE."

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  2. My most recent favorite is from my 3 year old son. I sneezed recently and he said, "Kachooheit". Sound of a sneeze mixed with Gesundheit. Love it.

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  3. Dr. Phil is such a buttstache! I'm still recovering from that one. I will never again see his face without thinking "buttstache."

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  4. A few Christmases ago, one of mine said Jesus was given gifts by the Three Cave Men. Wow! Jesus got here much sooner than we thought!

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  5. I was trying to teach my then 5 year old about Easter, but he had already gotten the low-down at church. He felt this qualified him to give the lesson to his brother. He pointed to the picture with Jesus hanging on the cross, and told me, "That's Jesus. The bad men gave him a crown of thorns and put him on that cross so he would die." He paused and wrapped it up with, "The sign over him says 'King of the Juice.' Mom, why would they say He was 'King of the Juice?' What kind of juice?"

    How do you explain ethnicity to a six-year-old? Also, huge points for me for not laughing right out loud.

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  6. Ha! My son used to say "Blessyoutight" when I sneezed

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  7. LMAO Vagisil. I think I almost spit my coffee. :D

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  8. LOL!! My son's Little Gym teacher said he made up a new word (he is 4). They they form a train to go from station to station, and there is always more than one kid that wants to be the caboose. He decided the plural of caboose is "caboosei" ("caboos-ee-i"). WTF?

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  9. Back in the days when my now teenager was such a sweet little girl who looked up to me for answers and guidance.... sorry, got a little caught up there..... anyways..... we were driving by an airport and talking about how the people who drive planes were called pilots. She pipes up from the backseat in her sweet little voice..... "Yeah. And people who drive cars are called idiots, right mommy?" Sigh..... Yes, my dear, they are.

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  10. My daughter told the world I was home with crabs. That would be CRAMPS. CRAMPS, thank you VERY MUCH. And then I shared it with the world. Or 65 people.
    http://kimmiekuhl-babyfeet.blogspot.com/2011/01/when-violet-gets-it-wrong.html

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  11. While my son, who is 4, was "reading" one of his favorite dinosaur books, he got to the page with a triceratops and says..."Triceratops, he is a very horny guy." Also one day he was putting together a puzzle with a parrot on it and he said "Mommy look at his pecker", he meant his beak but I almost peed my pants,lol!

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  12. When my middle one was three, I would ask him what he learned about in Sunday School and he would reply, "Oh, God and those people."

    One Sunday around Easter he told me that they had talked about "when Jesus washed 'those people's' feet." I replied, "Yeah? How did he wash their feet?" Bear: "With a hose...."

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  13. I'll never forget the Christmas that the child doing the Gospel reading called Pontius Pilate "Pompous Pilate" (mispronounced like the exercise). The whole congregation was doing a really bad job at not laughing.

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  14. My SIL, her two kids, my MIL and I were driving back home from a shopping trip and we were playing eye spy. Before it was my niece's turn we had been talking about how I was away from my husband and was getting kind of "lonely" (wink wink) so it was my niece's turn and she said "eye spy something horny." Oh we laughed so hard my SIL had to pull over the car she was laughing so hard. She had meant the horn on the steering wheel.

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  15. As usual, I had company in the bathroom and reached for a tampon. My daughter #2 asked what it was, I replied simply, "it's a tampon, women use them when they don't have a baby in their belly to take away the baby food" cuz she was 2 and I was betting she didn't care to know more. I was right. A few months later, again in the bathroom, with not 1, but two daughters, I again reached for a tampon. D1 asks me, "what's that Mommy?" Before I can answer, D2 jumps in and says..."it's a pine cone to take away baby food!" PINE CONE?!?!?!? OUCH!

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  16. My 3 year old used to call hangers "hookers" so one day in Target I got this "Look at all the HOOKERS, Mommy!"

    he also calls tweezers "squeezers" and hand sanitizer "hanitizer"

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  17. I don't have a kid yet (I'm pregnant though!!!) but my three year old nephew couldn't pronounce "purse" and called it "puss" instead. We went to a spring traning game with my husband, his brother, my nephew and my MIL. My nephew ended up getting two baseballs at the game. When we got back to the car (I was sitting next to him in the backseat) he said "Aunt Meg, I put my two balls in your black puss!" We all busted up laughing!

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  18. My then two year old was commenting on the different types of butts...there's a pee-butt and a poo-butt and DADDY... He has a REALLY long-butt!....I was LMAO for a good 10 minutes!

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  19. My daughter's favorite meal several years ago was a "hangerber".

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  20. Holy crap, Vagisil is a great name for a dinosaur! I vote we put Hawk in charge of naming all future paleolithic discoveries.

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  21. My four year old daughter was hanging up her baby brother's (Wyatt) shirts and called out "Mom, Wyatt needs more hookers!"....now I always call the coat hangers hookers because that is just awesome "We keep the hookers in the closet sweetie"

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  22. My 3-year-old son likes to push the button and ride the "elegator" upstairs. The name is really appropriate since his hand got snatched in the elegator door last summer. (He's fine, btw.)

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  23. I was driving my four-year-old son to preschool when a car pulled out right in front of me, causing me to slam on the brakes and shout "douche bag!" My kid says "Mom, next time why don't you call him a juice box?" Clearly the kid had one too many Capri Suns, a/k/a/ "juice bags" in his life.

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  24. We were looking for my 6 year olds shoes and he wanted to put on his tennis shoes, but I didn't want to deal with getting the knots out. I told him to put on his school shoes cause they were easy to put on. He thought for a minute and then asked, "if those are easy-ons, are the other shoes called hard-ons?" it was very hard not to die laughing!

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  25. Sunday my 8 yo was telling us that she thought the bitchin fries dog was the one that was going to win the dog show. The one that she was talking about was the bichon frieses.

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  26. Whenever I stub my toe or do other things that would normally require me to say the F word, I say "Fahrvergnügen" instead. (Remember that old ad campaign from Volkswagon?)

    The other day, my middle son was trying to do something and he kept getting it wrong. And then he says, "Fuck-it-new-gan."

    I guess no matter how many times I've used the F-word alternative, he's learned it anyway. Mom of the year.

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  27. Not long ago my 2 and 4 year old were playing with a truck with a hook on it and arguing over who got to be the "hooker"

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  28. Holly Molly Ala Fresco! I was laughing so hard..well wheezing actually thanks to a nasty cold..my husband asked if I needed an inhaler.

    Ungle Rim: otherwise known as a jungle gym

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  29. My daughter is 2 and has become obsessed with the Disney Princesses :) Her favorite sounds like a cleaning service...."Sweeping Booty"...obviously better known as Sleeping Beauty...cute enough though :)

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  30. BUTT-STACHE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Dying. Of. Laughter. In my office. If I get fired and lose my house, I'm moving in with you guys.

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  31. When my daughter was about 4 or so she used to love to get fast food at "Old MacDonalds."

    My 7 yr old takes Broadway Jazz class. She showed me a number they learned and sang along with the song "Pudding on a Ritz."

    Oh, and my niece is French and would mix her English and French. We took her to Sea World when she was about 5 or so, and she really loved the seals. Unfortunately for us, the word for seal in French is "phoque" and she went around talking loudly about how much she wanted a phoque!

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  32. -My now 10 year old used to ask for the "erections" (directions) for his toys
    -between my 4 year old & my 2 year old they can say goggles properly, the 4 year old calls them gobbles & the 2 year old says boggles
    -my 4 year old used to ask me to take his tenchimure (temperature)

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  33. my youngest is still just learning to talk, when he asks for his fork it usually sounds like he's using the f word, which is so funny when he asks daddy for a fork & it comes out f-you daddy

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  34. When my middle one was much younger, we went out for Chinese food at the local buffet. While helping him make a plate, I asked him if he wanted a Crab Rangoon ... to which he replied, "I don't 'member if I like CRANBERRY GOONS." Almost 15 years later, they're are still known as "Cranberry Goons" at our house.

    My youngest one had more than few ear infections when he was very young, and he didn't talk a whole lot until after the tubes were put in his ears just after his 3rd birthday. I would call his 7 year old sister "Sister Suzy" without thinking about it. And my 3 yo (at the time) would parrot back: "Mister Sissy!" She's almost 20 now, and she still answers to "Mister Sissy".

    Ahhh, fun times!! :)

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  35. My 3-year-old is still not adept at two-consonant-blended sounds like “sp” (spaghetti = fagetti and spinach = finich (which she never “finishes” because she doesn’t like “finich” LOL)) or the “ch” sound.

    There is a song she learned at preschool (and has now taught to her 2-year-old brother) that they BOTH sing as “All aboard the *cuckoo cuckoo* (choo-choo) train.” All aboard the cuckoo train, INDEED.

    Cracks me up, every stinkin’ time.

    My two-year-old boy likes to intentionally mix and match “See you later alligator” and “After while crocodile.” So I get “See you later crocodile.” A LOT.

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