Wednesday, January 5, 2011

My Two Year Old is an Evil Genius

I’ve written a lot about my baby lately. The baby who’s not really a baby anymore but rather a two year old cupcake baked by the devil. I don’t even know how to describe her to you. She is the most adorable, funny, little snuggler in the world with blond ringlets and huge green eyes. She looks like an angel and is a truly a sweetpea.

But she is also an evil genius.

Her exploits are unbelievable. And while they generally drive me crazy and cause me to spend my days wiping things down, mopping things up, putting out actual fires and calling Poison Control – I wouldn’t change anything about her because it is all so damn funny.

Don’t believe me? Here’s a list of things she did over the holidays.

The Tree: The Christmas tree was up for about 24 hours when I heard screaming. The big kids had gone to the family room, seen the tree knocked ass-over-tea-kettle and were shrieking as if they’d just seen Santa gunned down right in front of them. Just then, I noticed the baby was happily peeling a clementine in the middle of the kitchen floor completely non-plussed and totally unsurprised by all the turmoil. So I asked her: “Mini? Did you knock over the Christmas tree?”
She barely glanced up at me and nodded, ringlets bouncing, and said: “Oh yeah.”

Which means that at some point, totally unobserved by human eyes, she snuck downstairs and silently jacked up an enormous, electrified tree covered with bells and then snuck back upstairs and told no one. Whuck? How? Is she a ninja?

The Fruit: Remember how I once wrote that her favorite activity was peeling crayons? Well her new favorite activity is peeling clementines. I was mistaken when I assumed that she was also eating them. She was not. She was gleefully peeling each clementine, tucking one section of the fruit between her teeth and gum as if it were chew and throwing the rest away. She managed to do to this 14 clementines in one day by going between me and her father and asking sweetly: “Mo’ orange pease?”

But her love of fruit also extends to apples. More specifically to the first bite of a ripe apple. After that, she has no interest. We found this out when we discovered one small bite taken out of every, single apple in a large bag of Red Delicious that had been recently purchased. She had over the course of three days(again without being seen) snuck into the kitchen and taken out each apple, taken just one bite and then put them all back in the bag. When asked if she done such a naughty, wasteful thing she just smiled and nodded and said “Oh yeah.”

You’re probably thinking, as naughtiness goes, this is bush league. And you’re right.  But just wait.

The Incident with the Sink: One afternoon, I put her down for a nap. She very quietly snuggled into her bed and closed her eyes. I breathed a sigh of relief and walked to the living room to enjoy a few minutes of peace and quiet. That lasted long enough for me to reach the couch before the screaming started. "MOMMA! I NO SLEEEP!"

I decided to give her five minutes. She needed the sleep and I needed the break.  The screaming intensified. I asked her older sister, with whom she shares a room, to go check on her. Then my 7 year old hollered: “THERE’S POOP EVERYWHERE!! GAHHHHHH!”

So I swoop in, grab the now naked, feces-smeared toddler and give her a bath. I dried her off and got her dressed. I placed her at the table with her favorite food (vanilla yogurt) and her favorite show (“In The Night Garden”) on the TV in the hopes that would buy me the ten minutes required to clean the poop up in her room.

Maybe three minutes into cleaning up the bio-hazard level 3 mess in the girls' bedroom, I grew uneasy. It was quiet. But more than quiet, it was The Ominous Silence. Then I heard what sounded like the kitchen sink. I slowly walked into the kitchen.

This is what I saw:

A chair, dragged or pushed from the dining room was up against the kitchen counter and had apparently been used as a step stool. The baby had stripped off and was completely naked. Again. She was on the counter, having made her way past the wooden block that holds our knives on her way to the sink. She’d pushed the knife block over. She’d also managed to knock the very expensive water filter off the sink, breaking it and the faucet. [Editor's Note: Yes, the faucet that Kate fixed except for the part about the knobs turning the wrong way. She might as well not fixed it at all. The dripping was easier to get used to than the wrong twisty knobby thing. -Lydia.] [Editor's Note: Suck it. Hooker. -Kate] She’d then turned on the hot water full blast. So there she was – on the counter, bare-assed, surrounded by knives, broken plumbing and scalding hot water.

I looked at her in disbelief. She just smiled at me, pointed at the sink filled with steak knives and near-boiling water and said: “Dat’s hot, Momma.”

The Incident with the Sock Drawer. Mini discovered (the day after knocking over the tree) that she can take off her diaper, throw it in the trash and then pull her pants back up so that no one knows she’s going commando. She loves to do this. She thinks it's just hilarious and has no idea why we all start shrieking: “WHERE IS YOUR DIAPER?” when we finally figure out what she’s done.

So Mini pulled her "diaper in the trash but you don’t know it" trick, then followed me into my bedroom to help me tidy up. I watched her stare longingly at a tangle of jewelry on my dresser that I needed to sort and organize. She couldn’t reach it and it was making her mad.  Deeply fascinated, I watched her mull over dilemma. She started pulling at the dresser and before I realized it, she had created a series of stair-steps from my open drawers. She scrambled up to the top of my dresser in about 2 seconds and triumphantly grabbed the necklaces. With her prize in hand, she glared at me, said: “MINE” and then peed directly into my sock drawer.

Then she got an ear infection and was subdued and quiet for a few days. It was sort of sad and also sort of awesome.  I missed her mayhem.  Though at one point I did hear her father say: “Mini! Get the screwdriver away from the cat’s face!” When I asked him later if he was kidding, he looked at me with disgust. “No. Now if I’d said – Baby! Stop playing with that chainsaw! Or Mini - Put down that severed head! Then I’d understand you needing to clarify. But all she did was try to pet the cat’s face with an Elmo screwdriver. I mean, she’s not on her game… She has a fever.”

The fact that we even needed to have that conversation pretty much tells you everything you need to know about my baby.  And my parenting skills.  If your toddler has done worse, please share. Because it would make me feel a whole lot better.

(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2010


  1. My (now 5 yr old) daughter once took all of the ashes out of our fireplace and piled them on top of the coffee table and then put her plastic horses on top and announced that she had made a "grassy" place. She had it done in about 4 seconds flat. When I found it and cleaned her up, I put her in her room so I could clean the mess. She decided to get into my make-up in the bathroom and paint her lips black with eyeliner. AFTER that(!)but the same day, she spread lotion all over the same coffee table. I was ready to cage her.

    This same child also burnt her bangs with a Zippo lighter. I can't even imagine the destruction she'd cause if left to her own devices....and I seriously DO supervise her! Gah!

  2. ohmyword....I just laughed so much that I'm literally crying! My husband has to read this.

  3. totally awesome evil genius-ness - here is an account from when my son was 2 1/2 Inspiring Spring decorating & The Butter Corvette Cheers!

  4. I can't say that my 15 month old has done worse, but he's definitely developing the evil genius tendencies! He has recently mastered opening child-proof medicine bottles... you know, the kind that adults can barely open!?!

  5. My sons just pulled the usual shenanigans: drawing on the wall - "Mommy I drawed sumfin for you" & he led me to the 3 foot mural in my bedroom; playing in the flour & sugar - "There's snow!" My kitchen, living room & children are covered in flour & sugar.

    My oldest gave me my first gray. He was happily playing in the living room, when my baby woke up. In the time it took me to get the baby, he skipped outside to play with the kids outside & then proceeded to follow them home while I was just discovering him missing. Long story short, I found him, but I've never been that scared in my entire life.

  6. I don't have much to share...yet. You see, I'm convinced that my 10 month old is a mini-mini-mini-me. The other day I found a small stash of trash in between our cupboard and the wall right at baby height. My husband was convinced I put it there because he didn't do it and the baby "couldn't possibly". As we argued, she climbed onto the open dishwasher and threw a butter knife at the dog. Parenting fail or cupcake in training? Yes.

  7. Oh. My. Maude. I thought my "baby" was bad! I was trying to e-mail this to hubs, but I couldn't see to type because I was laughing so hard the tears were pouring.

    My "the Baby" (who will be 5 in March - Maude help her teacher next year) tends to do things that are potentially life-threatening in the hopes that she can rip away the last shread of sanity that her 6 siblings have left me with. (Yes, I *do* know what causes that, and I quite like it.) Anywho - her most recent - we have basement bedrooms in our house which necessitate egress windows - huge window wells that are over six feet deep. The Baby was outside playing when I heard her crying - that "special" cry. I'm heading outside when #6 comes in and says that she fell. I go outside - can't find her. I finally find her and #3 (1st responder trained) in the bottom of a window well. Needless to say, hubs and I freak, an ambulance was called, we're flying balls-to-the-wall to the hospital - 30 miles away - they are trying to start an IV that of course, didn't work - blood everywhere. I gracefully fall on my face trying to make my dismount from the back of an ambulance in 3-inch heels. (They are really high up in the air) The child was fine. Landed on gravel and mini-boulders and didn't even have a bruise. When she was done being scared Schmitz-less (and was running around the ER with a blanket over her head) I asked her what happened. "I was walking backwards." *face palm*

    Too often we'll hear a crash followed by "I OK!"

  8. *sigh of relief* I'm a mother of 3.. 9,3 and 2. I FEEL YOUR PAIN! When the 9 year old was 2 and not quite potty trained she went behind the couch pulled down her pull up, and POOPED on my floor. When she was 4 she got into the fridge took out eggs and coffee grounds and decided to play in her toy kitchen.
    The 3 year old.. when I was prego with her baby sister she decided to smear poo all over her and her play pen while i went to go to the bathroom... I was only away for the small amount of time it takes to pee. After that incident she learned how to take her diaper off and smear fecal matter ever chance she got. Masking tape was eventually used to stop that.
    the 2 year old Did learn to smear poo everywhere but I sinced learned from her older sister.
    I've also learned in the 9+ years I've been a parent... If there is anything worth having either put it out of reach or kiss it goodbye because someone will break it.
    Oh and I learned that silence isn't golden it means someone is into something they shouldn't be in and taking a breather for 2 minutes could restore your sanity... Oh and your house will never be clean

  9. These are just a couple of my kids' worst days-- (obliterating the downstairs while creating a snackfood smorgasbord and breaking our television a few days before Christmas), and (exploding the microwave).

    Glory, glory hallelujah they are only young once.

  10. I have 2 instances that lead me to think my daighter will become an artisit one day (which means she will most likely live with us FOREVER..Note to self: Buy a smaller house without basement. May possibly prompt her to move out at SOME POINT) Anyway, she was about 2 and was strangly quiet during nap time. I went in to check on her and found her with an ECONO-sized tub of vasoline which she was using to cover every surface of her room. I caught her mid-application of the windows. Do you know how hard it is to get that suff off? Oh, and on top of it, I was finding little smudges of it for WEEKS after in very odd places. Places I didn't think her tiny arms could reach. Oh, did I mention that she greeted me by say "I just try a little momma."

    The 2nd incident was when she was in nap time again (DAMN YOU NAP TIME...I LOVE YOU AND HATE YOU JUST THE SAME) and she cut her tiny finger on a now broken piggy bank. Just a tiny little paper cut sized cut. But did you know something? If you squeeze said cut OVER AND OVER AND OVER you can get enough blood to smear on every stuffed animal, blanket, sheet, pillow, rug, curtain, and piece of clothing you have. I swear, when I went to check on her (AGAIN: Beware of the silence..) it looked like a CRIME SCENE! Actually, at first I thought it was pooh b/c it had dried all brown all over her clothes. I might be the first parent in history to exclaim "Oh good, its just blood". This time she informed me that she was "Painting with my momma" and then proceeded to show me how to squeeze more out. Needless to say, naptime at age 2 quickly changed to quiet time in front of the TV where I can keep my stinking eye on you!

  11. Hilarious! My 4 year old is also a fan of the 'secretly take a bite out of each apple and put them back in the fruit bowl' game.

    Some other recent gems - my husband and I were alarmed to hear the upstairs bathroom tap come on..I raced up stairs to find her perched on the edge of the sink, naked, water going full blast, squirting a bottle of baby lotion over herself "oh hi mummy, I'm just washing my feet" Never mind she could've tipped backwards and cracked her head open!

    On Sunday we left her out the back dancing under her bubble machine...not 5 minutes later "ummm somebody!" I went to investigate and found she had painted the garage floor, the spare fridge and her scooter a delightful shade of GOLD. As I carried her to the bath by her armpits, dripping with gold paint "I'm SO SORRY, I just wanted to surprise you!"
    (This wasn't Picasso's first time either, a few months ago I discovered her naked, covered in white paint and big white smears of white paint all over our pavers "I was making tummy prints!"

    You are not alone!!

  12. ok..correct me if I'm wrong here, but isn't that a character on SNL? lol Millie? HAHAHAH sorry....but she's a miniMillie. I'm still laughing.

  13. When my first was 2 he pushed a chair up to the front door and unlocked the deadbolt and chain to run away from home in just a diaper and green froggy rain boots. That's what I get for going to the bathroom! I found him 2 blocks over, with a neighbor, who told me "you need to watch him"... yeah, thanks.

  14. Oh. Mah. Gawd. That baby is pure genius! The worst of my toddler's naughtiness seems to have subsided (famous last words) with the peak occurring around the time we brought home her baby brother last year. Though yesterday I did catch her sticking a pipe cleaner into an outlet. "I'm cleaning this hole, Mommy..."

    Lydia, I have to applaud you. I know we're moms and we'll all love our kids no matter what...but the fact that you are able to find the humor in all this is what makes you so awesome. A lot SAHMs would have been checked into the Nervous Hospital by now. Bravo! Now go have a drink because I bet Mini is probably off learning how to mix a 'Suck It, Fancy' in your liquor cabinet right now...

  15. "Come look at the baby!" was our favorite saying. With my son, you looked down to toddler areas. With my daughter you looked up...waaaay up. One of her first words was "help". As in "help me, as I've scaled the front of the entertainment center and am now stuck and not sure of how to go up or down" - she was eye level with my 6'3" husband. Really. Help? Good call kid.
    My boy was the toilet bandit around 18 mos old. He would go to the bathroom and things would mysteriously disappear - hotwheel car? "In da potty" I too would be realizing hours later that things were missing, only to have him point to the toilet. Over a month's time we lost, and I can NOT make this up, a sock (probably due to him constantly wearing only one), a pair of the thick cotton training underpants, a tube of toddler toothpaste - with a toddler sized toothbrush...I think those are the most memorable. Those are the ones that went down the chute. I have fished out clothing galore - luckily always from pee'd in toilet water - and ran it to the washer stat. By God's Grace alone did we never call a plumber.
    So you may want to invest in a toilet lock for mini ninja. Before the cat disappears!!
    It is a fun yet exhausting time, isn't it?? Best ride ever!

  16. Ours can escape outside into 40 degree weather with nothing on but a diaper, cross the street where my 10 year old is playing with friends, and no one brings him back till daddy sees him from his home office window. We've told him he's a "cupcake baked by the devil" so many times, now we just give him "the LOOK" and he says, "buttcake, debil."

  17. Well, there was the "let's make pancakes in the bed... in the middle of the night.... with boxed Rice a Roni, flour, and dog-dish water" incident. And then there was the time, in the hardware store where my little daughter ran to the next aisle and then yelled gleefully, "oh LOOK! A HATCHET!"

    How about when the kiddo (during potty training) would entice the corgi dog into the bathroom, then would poop into the little potty chair, and then leave the DOG in the bathroom to EAT THE POO. Which she did. Oh Maude.

    Then when we were moving out of state, and all the adults were crashed on the floor of the COMPLETELY EMPTY apartment in exhaustion from loading the moving truck, and the Cupcake picked up the ONLY thing left in the apartment -- the CAR KEYS -- and ran to the just-now-unchildproofed electrical outlet.

    Love the Buttcake Debils.

    =--=kate in michigan

  18. *LOVE* reading of others' parenting fails...makes me feel better about my own!

    When my now-17-year-old was 2, and her brother was a new-born, I locked down the house to get in the shower. I *KNEW* it was too quiet...when I got back out of the bathroom, I found my living room newly "painted" in margarine, hardwood floors, furniture, 2-year-old, doors...and what she hadn't painted with, she had eaten...which promptly came back up. That was a fun cleaning-up experience!!

  19. At various points of my older daughter's two year old year I saw her:
    - Walk into the room carrying a large lit pilar candle while wearing huge drapey fleece footie jammies ... it had been on a shelf over her head.
    - Come out of the kitchen holding a chef's knife saying, mommy this is too sharp for me. It was in the knife block.
    - Climb a sweater bag hanging in her closet which pulled down the freakishly heavy metal closet shelf and rail ... and the 200lbs of storage boxes on top of it.
    - Break a glass and then bring me the broken pieces. This happened a number of times.
    - Run away from a bee and fall into the deep end of a pool ... w/o a floatie.

    there was more but I've blocked it out. Btw she did this while I was either pg w/ or nursing her baby sister :|

  20. My son was about a year old when he stripped naked and ran down the hall peeing...he wanted to know how far he could go before he ran out of pee! Little arms over his head, yelling woohoooo!! his last few steps were like a slip-n-slide!

    Deb D

  21. WOW... Mine are JUST like that... still chuckling about the clementines.. Mine can actually REACH the fruit bowl (they just turned 3) and they peel the clementines and put them back, feed them to the "plants" I find them EVERYWHERE... also the apples.. lol.. OH they put stuff in the fridge for "later" too.. I swear if yours is a mini spawn of Satan... He's gotten around.. (must have been drunk THAT day)... thanks for the laugh.. and flashbacks.. now I need a drink.

  22. Little Kid received a pink play kitchen for her second birthday last year. She loved the set, but was disappointed that it did not have real running water, so she started going into her bathroom and filling her tea pots and cups with water, which she would then spill on the table, the kitchen, the floor, etc. I told her that she could not go into her bathroom anymore and get water (you will quickly see how she made her way around that directive).

    Her buddy from next door was over one day and I was downstairs cooking. It was quiet, TOO quiet, so I went upstairs to check on them. I found Little Kid in her BROTHER'S bathroom (she is a smart one) gleefully dipping her tea cup in his toilet......and drinking it. I ran up and grabbed the cup and looked down. Let me start by saying, I am eco-friendly. I recycle. I use reusable bags. I gaze longingly at Priuses from high up in my kid-friendly SUV. But these low-flow toilets that our builder installed SUCK. Well, actually they do not suck, which is the problem. By Kid (age 6) had gone to the bathroom and tried to flush, but everything had not gone down. So Little Kid had DIRTY TOILET WATER in her beautiful lavender tea cup. I don't dry heave easily, but I was on the verge of losing my lunch.

  23. My current two year old also likes to sneakily "go commando" with a twist. She's become fascinated with feminine hygiene products, not mine, as I had a condemned sign hung there just a year after she was born, but my tween's stash of monthly supplies. She insists on placing *pads* where diapers should go and she has the whole process down like a drunk sorority girl, as she peels off the *cool sticker* and places in in her pants, while standing up and hovering, as if she's seen this before. The tampons, they are just super fun to play with. She had a screaming fit yesterday because she wanted to hold some in her hands and yes, I let her, even though we were all loading up in the prison bus, Baby Stayfree was bouncing all in her car seat with three tampons in her hands dancing with them like maracas.

    I could also tell you about the time my triplet toddlers MOVED THE DAMN SOFA in front of the exterior door and effectively locked me out one time when I walked next door to get something from a neighbor. I had to get my five year old to let me in. They still like to work together to accomplish their goals and not always for good.

  24. On a recent two week vacation with my three boys, 5, 2, and 1 to visit my parents in Ohio (during hunting season), my father became very distraught. Turkey hunting season was starting within 48 hours of our arrival and within 3 hours of my children's presence, his hunting license had gone missing from his office which he keeps securely locked down like it was the armory for Ft. Hood.

    I was the first yelled at (I'm 25 mind you) because at 5'3 blonde hair and 4 inch heels I'm the prime suspect. My 5 year old was next however he's the sensitive type, if he know the turkey we eat actually came from a real turkey he would have been committed along time ago.

    My father failed to even ask my 2 year old. Two days after hunting season started, he began to reemerge from his man cave of loneliness and despair to resume his role as a caring and loving grandfather. As he was chasing my kids around the house my two year old was riding his tricycle, he drifted around the corner of the livingroom like Vin Diesel in Fast and Furious and his hot rod axle slipped causing him to barrel role off the tricycle... as my two year old lay there in a heap, my focus was not on the tears spilling from his truly okay eyes, it was on the NOW open storage basket under the seat of the tricycle in which a very large white laminated hunting license lay sprawled on the floor... My two year old produced 4 days of hell...

  25. OMG you totally wrote this about my little monster. I swear, she even has her own evil genius laugh. Except she doesn't own up to her evilness, she blames it on her 7 year old brother. or the dog. And she totally LOVES to peel "orsanges" then squeeze the juice all over the kitchen floor. I'm never buying tangerines again.

  26. I have twin girls and I thought the year they were born was tough, but 2010, call it "the year they were 2" was....well, there are no words. We had Vaseline incidents, diaper cream incidents, crayon & marker on the walls, escapes etc.. But NOTHING beats the "morning of the POOP" when hubs & I woke up to the smell and had to investigate why we could smell poop from children whose room was down the hall. Open our bedroom door to find #1 fully stripped & painting the wall, bathroom door & carpet with poop. Just past her in their bedroom was #2, also fully stripped & smearing her crib, sheets and HERSELF with her own poop. Hubs was late for work because there was no way I was letting him out of this one, the carnage was just too great.
    With every incident I promptly posted on FB I was told over & over "just wait 'til they turn 3, it gets worse". They turned 3 on Monday & we have already had a "she's too smart for her own good" incident, so the saga continues....
    It's quite a ride though!

  27. My daughter is now five and sounds a lot like your mini. She is adorable with a touch of evil thrown in. She has scribbled and, now that she can spell, written her name on multiple surfaces in our home including the book shelf her dad made for her in PEN. She cut the hair of her sister's American Girl doll. She pees her pants out of spite. And my favorite was when she told me that if I didn't let her have some candy she was going to poop on the floor. Hope that helps.

  28. I'm so sorry! I'm also sorry to tell you that I had very little 'terrible two' stuff with my girls. Never had the poo-drawing or flinging. Everyone warned me with my oldest that when she got her own bed I would wake up to havoc, but it never happened. I am the luckiest woman on earth. My oldest didn't start causing real trouble until she was 17, then it hit us like an atomic bomb for 6 months. We lived.

  29. The middle of my three was the toughest, so many times I put her in her crib, collapsed against her door and cried. She dumped bubble bath into a tank full of fish killing them all, smeared poop all over everything in her room, and I mean everything. She bulldozed baby gates, emptied all the cereal boxes, tore the labels off all the cans, ate dog food, coated herself and everything else with shampoo, vaseline, butt cream, butter, sour cream, broken eggs, ran for the road causing me to fall on my pregnant belly trying to stop her, I was fearful she'd kill the new baby, for real,I would lie awake and worry about that. She is now 7 and for the most part now normal and compassionate and she's grown a conscience now too. It will get better!

  30. Well, our darling 2 year old threw a die cast Chick Hicks car at our 46" TV last month, demolishing the screen while watching Dora. Why? "Chick Hicks no like Swiper."

  31. I'm a newbie here. It's cool though because my 2 year old said "tickle my v@gina" last night. Super, huh?

  32. My son likes to take it upon himself to leave me awesome "suprises" while im in the shower. Two days before thanksgiving, the turkey was thawing in the sink(which was full of water). I came downstairs after my showing and realize that my kitchen is flooded! My son had spooned out the water and dumped it onto the floor. Another day he emptied an entire bottle of dishwashing liquid all over my kitchen cabinets, floor, and fridge.....missing all dirty dishes sitting in the sink. So there, you are not alone!

  33. My now three yr old has earned the nickname "whirling dervish" "taz" and "destructo" depending upon her daily exploits. she is my fourth and last child, was a "surprise" baby and I am convinced that she actually heard my exclamation of "oh sh*t" when I peed on the stick and saw two pink lines because she has been making me pay since she became mobile at 6 mos. We have the "vaseline incident", the "shampoo in the toilets debacle", sharpies and markers of any sort are banned from the house...and my word, she is a blond haired, blue eyed angelic looking thing. But I have pics of her adventures to prove she is indeed an "evil genius" :) rock on Mini Me!

  34. No horror stories here, because my little one is only ten months old. But I do have to say that I don't know what the heck "In The Night Garden" is doing, because it's the only thing that keeps him perfectly still and hypnotized and happy for half an hour. It's like a godsend.

  35. I can totally relate. To all of it. My kids are climbers to boot. And they're crafty. Top of the fridge? No problem. You just take a chair, and put the garbage can on top of it, and a step-stool on top of that. You climb the whole leaning tower and . . .voila! I've stopped trying to keep them from doing it. Occasionally they will make some crafty climbing tower in front of guests, and someone will scream "OMG, she's going to fall." My response? "Oh, I *hope* she falls. Maybe then she'll learn not to do that."

  36. When my oldest was 2 she took a pair of scissors into her room and proceeded to give dolls haircuts (and herself) and cut open her pillow. When asked why her response was that the dolls wanted their hair cut and cutting the pillow was the only way to find out what was inside it. Do you have any idea how hard it is to clean up pillow stuffing? That stuff gets everywhere. This year (at 4) she cut a chunk of hair from her head by trying to "comb" it with Daddy's razor.
    My son is currently 2 and he is a climber. He started scaling baby gates before he actually turned 2, so it's pretty much impossible to contain him. He's been found on top of the bookcase and kitchen cabinets multiple times. He also likes to get his head stuck places. So far we've go between the banisters (at home and at Grandma's) and the doorway to Barbie's dream house.
    I have one more that will be turning one soon. I'm not looking forward to going through toddlerhood again.

  37. Don't have a toddler but I'm the second oldest of 8 and let me tell ya... Mini would have fit in pretty well in our house. My little Brother once got a box of rit dye when he was in his terrible twos, somehow knew to get it wet, locked himself in my bathroom and come out a smurf. And painted my bathroom a lovely navy blue, very lovely. He also managed to streak navy blue down the hallway and white carpet. Mom was thrilled to say the least, this was also right before we were going to be moving. So double yay! My younger sister managed to wake up quietly while the rest of the house was asleep and color with sharpie over a ton of family pictures, not just the glass mind you, she took them out of the glass. My mom still gets twitchy and hand jerky when you mention that one. Lol

  38. OMG this is like the virtual support group I always wished for, after reading the post and then all the comments, collectively I do feel better because my kids have done some but not all that has been mentioned YAY!!!! AND I know now that unlike the fruity moms on FB that say mushy stuff all the time like "my kid is just so amazing I just love being a mom and just hanging out together *sigh*" ya'll really know what its like and I respect that and live it too. I love my kids a ton and we have lots of fun and love and stuff but geez if I don't want to rip every hair out of my head and wear a wig some days or desperately want a vacay alone, I don't really want to be alone but just a break from constantly worrying about messes or physical harm occuring, oh and how the H do I get my hubby to realize that I am not as bad of a mom as I look, we just have evil and adorable children and if he was watching them full time they would get hurt or in wierd incidents just as much (or more)

  39. A couple of weeks ago, my 3 year old son was no where to be found in the house. So as my husband was frantically looking for him, and i was on the computer (probably reading your blog), he had snuck outside (mind you our den is RIGHT by the front door)and was standing in the street. We get a HUGE parent fail on that one!

    Then the following week after that accident, he polished off a bottle of cough syrup. About 1/4 cup..again..parent fail!

  40. I don't think I have ever laughed as hard as I just have. Between your post and the posts from others, I am sitting here in tears. Thank you. My son, now 7, has done some crazy things, but I think that I have erased them from memory. Like the time he put on his sun screen, on himself, the porch, the driveway, anything that didn't move. I stopped to take pictures. Can't wait to see what tomorrow brings.

  41. When my middle boy was this age, I knew it was going to be a bad day when he got up, took his "blankie" and "doggie" and carefully arranged them on his "Time Out" chair. I asked what he was doing and he replied, "Getting ready for the day."

    This was his theme cartoon...
    Roger Rabbit and Baby Herman

  42. I'm laughing and crying for you, she reminds me so much of my little Magoo when she was that age. Poop painted body and bedroom... check, broken plumbing... check (broke the tap off the hot water tank and flooded the basement), knocked over Christmas tree... check. We even had raw egg finger paint time in the kitchen, two full tubes of toothpaste lovingly painted on the bathroom walls using my very expensive watercolor brushes, and the time she trying to take the dog's temperature with a thermometer... rectally. She's now 8 and a very smart and artistic kid. I'm just glad she and I both lived through the experiences!

  43. Yep, I have one of those too. My first child created only a normal level of destruction, so I wasn't prepared for this one, who has also perfected the "who me?" innocent stare / smile (and a little evil glint). I knew I was in trouble when I lost her in the backyard when she was 12 months old and had just learned to walk. I didn't think to look up the 5 foot ladder to the swing set. Then we had a lot of the already mentioned episodes, walking around with a butcher knife (that had been in the knife block in a child proof drawer), smuggled a pen into her room during nap time and colored herself (ALL over), her wall, her leather chair, etc.. I always tell babysitters to watch her like a hawk, and be very afraid if she's quiet. We are always left explaining random contusions and black eyes to her preschool because of her daredevil antics. As much as she drives me crazy, I love her spirit!

  44. All of this is just hilarious! I laughed so hard at tickle my vajayjay. You couldn't make this stuff up. I have had my own vaseline incidents with my own twins. My boy twin also likes to eat any and everything, which we only find remnants of when it's too late or just too late to get to him. Then he happily exclaims, "It gone". He's eaten rocks, crayons, soap, raw food, things he's dipped in the toilet, things out of the trash and things off the floor.

  45. My daughter Lil is such and epic tantrum thrower, that one day in target she had a masterpiece meltdown and I had to carry her out like a sack of potatoes (thrown over my shoulder racing out of the door while she shrieked and kicked and pulled my hair. I got her to the car and she is just not going to get into her carseat so i am trying to put her in anyway and this walks up to us I turned to look at him , like wtf is your problem. He then states that he is an off duty cop and wants to know if lil is my daughter. I sigh and say "yes and this is the second tantrum like this today" (my polite way of saying are your serious?). So he walks around my car , takes down my license plate and gets into his car which is next to mine. He then proceeds to stare at me while i continue to put my really freaking out daughter in the carseat. I finally broke down and started crying, while he continued to stare.

  46. My son is almost 2 and has proceeded to climb up the front of the entertainment center, which fortunately is not very tall. He likes to "help" me start fires in our fireplace, mostly by opening the door after the fire is started and poking it with a poker. He has also escaped from me in the middle of diaper changes, usually when he has pooped and run shrieking through the house. Spreading poop EVERYWHERE. It's amazing how many places he bounced off the walls on his sprint through the house. And then there was the day he escaped from my mom, not really escaped, she left him by the gate in front of the house while she ran inside to grab something and by the time she came back out, 30 seconds later, he was almost down by the fence. Thank god they live in the middle of nowhere, in town he'd have made the next block over.
    You aren't alone! I almost hate to see what he's like when he's three, fortunately his big sister is extremely willing to tattle on him so I can usually catch him before he kills himself.

  47. bwwwaaaa!! YES!! I am finally not the only one who has been asked if they were stealing their child out of a store!! Thank you! I left an entire cart full of stuff and carried my 3 year old son like a swattled newborn to the doors. I proceeded to wrestle his winter coat on (if it wasn't -15 degrees outside I would have kept going).. when a Walmart staff came up and asked him if I was a stranger. WHUCK???? So I eventually got him to the car, strapped him into his seat and (because I was addicted to cancer sticks at the time) stood by the trunk, flickked the lighter and heard "click". I turned as he is scuttling his butt back to his seat all proud. Then I am forced to pretend I'm not going to lock him in his bedroom for the next 15 years and BEG him to let me in. Ugh.

  48. When dearest was 13 months old, she got into the candy dish full of Hershey's Kisses while I was in the bathroom. By the time I caught her, she was covered in chocolate, my living room (carpet, walls, furniture, TV, fireplace, EVERYTHING) was covered in chocolate, and she pooped colored tin foil for the next week. All I could do was laugh and grab my camera to document it for posterity. Her future prom date is going to have to come hours early because we've got a lot to show him.

  49. I have got to stop reading this shizz at work.

    You are making me shake in my cube and spit take on my computer screen you hooker!

  50. Our Little Miss Adventure, or Dora the troublemaker as her 5 year old brother likes to call her, can get into anything, even the doors with the babyproofed handles. She just rips the babyproofing off. Ugh. All her sleep wear is now footy sleepers with the footies cut off because she has to wear them with the zip in the back otherwise she will take them and her diapers off.
    At least once a day big brother will run in to tell me she is doing something that she shouldn't be doing.
    She has caused me to call Poison Control 2 times in the past 4 months alone. Once for eating the little balls of silica that come in those packs in shoe boxes. Another time for getting into the original strength(not the creamy) Desitin and using it as a hair pomade and toothpaste. She has also tried it with the Beudroux's butt paste too. She will also put all her hair gels and sprays on every surface in her room if she can get to the container.
    As DH says, she will go far when she gets older as nothing can stop her once she gets her mind set on achieving a goal. However for Mom and Dad it is exhausting, nervewracking, and scary at times. And she started much of this before she even turned 2.

  51. Oh, my. Yes. I get no sympathy from my mom because apparently I was a double-stuff cupcake myself. I did the diaper trick (hiding them behind the couch for extra points - and this is back in the day of diapers that pinned, so I don't know how I managed it). I also left the house regularly wearing only my undershirt (having ditched the diaper) to go down to the bar down the street - the bar flies fed me beer nuts, which kept me coming back.

    So it is no surprise that BOTH my children have staged jail breaks during the mommy-pee moment - both found blocks away at our friend's house (they have better play equipment, you see). Since we have a ravine with creek at the bottom of our street it's always a scare even without The Fear, which I have largely gotten over with the help of a lovely book called Free Range Kids. So we now have a double-sided lock on our front door - because they both learned how to undo the lock switch shortly after learning to walk. Gah. I love having tall children who early mastered the art of using stools. Who would have thought that an 18 month old could get up on a stool, unlock a lock, get down, move the stool, open the door and head for the hills?

    I have more...dozens of stories. I could write a book...a nice thick one. But I need to go investigate an Ominous Silence :>

  52. M brother pulled a cupcake devil moment when he was almost three...he told my mom in the grocery store that she would be sorry if she wouldn't buy him Lucky Charms cereal. She still said no, and he started screaming, "stranger! Not mommy! Stranger! Help me!". Mom spent an hour at the police station til my dad brought my brother's birth certificate to rescue her.

  53. Mine are 9,7 and 2 ... A boy aka Dr Destructo... He's Happily broken the printer, play station, DVD player, all the remotes, and everything else he touches. I turned my back for a second once and he had pushed a stool up to the counter climbed up gotten the mongo knife from the butcher block and said "I'm going to cut up the watermelon" which I naively had left in the sink. He is quite sad when he thinks he has broken something but it just needs put back together...we were setting the gable for Thanksgiving and could find only 4/12 teaspoons... He'd thrown the rest away in the trash.

  54. When my brother was 3 or 4 he would unlock the front door and go to the grocery store a few blocks away and sit in the aisle with the toys and proceed to open them and play. AT NIGHT! Can you imagine how frighting it would be to get a call at 2 am telling you that your preschooler is at Krogers and can you please come pick him up? We lived in a small town and select neighbors also got special midnight visits. I remember my parents using a chain type lock (in addition to the normal door lock)and moving it to the very top of the door. When he was still able to open the door my dad installed a dead bolt that had to be opened with a key. Thank God our house never caught fire because I'm not sure we would have ever gotten the door open.

  55. I don't yet want to confess mine, but we'll just say that my friend shared your link with me today and I loved this post! I was reading it to my husband, but then neither one of us could talk we were laughing too hard! Thanks, after a week of 4 sick kids the first week of school being back from Christmas break we needed to laugh at them again!!!

  56. Oh thanks to all for these amazing stories! I have to say that hands down, my favorite is the gal whose little boy got the blankie and the doggie and put it on the time out chair, claiming he was getting ready for the day! Hi.lar.i.ous!!!!!!!!! This will probably be my 21 month old daughter in a year or less, and should have been my 11 year old stepdaughter when she was two as well. My little girl has a twin brother that we should really put in a padded room or completely surround the child with bubble wrap. If any football or baseball team is looking for pitching staff or a new QB, I've got your man. I guess you'll have to contend with child labor laws, but still...seriously, does anybody have tips to stop a thrower/save my televion/save my other children's heads from flying objects? :-) Thanks as always for the fabulous reading!!!

  57. PLease check out the picture on the link below! I had a MOMENT like your little sweetpea did with the kitchen sink last year... SO FUNNY! Love you both! You Rock. xoxo!/photo.php?fbid=1357362770551&set=a.1325121924550.2049477.1125947148&pid=31076214&id=1125947148

  58. I think, somehow, our evil genius daughter and my evil genius 2 year old daughter are one in the same.

    This is such a description of a day in my life that I can't begin to tell you! Actually I can, as I write my daugher is laying on a storage trunk she has somehow flattened while eating from a bag of Baked Lay's she somehow acquired from the high shelf in the pantry. I don't what to know...

  59. OMG laughing until I cry because that was my 4th child you were describing. I have truly been there done that! Mine is 10 and I can tell you it gets somewhat better, well different anyways!

  60. Right after we moved to our new house my (then) two year old in the course of one afternoon a: smeared spaghetti sauce all over the wall and stomped it into the carpet b: dismantled the pop up drain in the main bathroom bathtub and c: enlisted his brother's aid in unpacking and breaking over 2 dozen compact fluourescent light bulbs. That's just the destructive stuff. My oldest also specializes in humiliating me.

  61. My daughter hasn't done worse. But my son as toddler... He also liked to strip naked but he didn't just pee in a drawer. No, he liked to paint. Yes, with that. One morning I came in to find him, his crib, the walls, everything he could touch and few things I don't think he could completely "painted". It was so bad I asked my pastor friend if he needed to be baptized again. (No, in case you were wondering.)

  62. My son, who we not-so-lovingly call "Poocasso" Painted his room on a weekly (sometime daily) with his own s*$t!!! He climbed out of his crib, scaled the bunk bed and stuffed his poo into the nobs on the ends of my blind pulls. He painted his brothers bed, and the walls, and the doors, and the dresser, and his crib, and himself, and... well you get the point. And I'm pretty sure that he never woke up from a "nap" with his diaper still on his body. I would safety pin the zipper of his pj's to the collar, and somehow he escape every time! As he got older (2yrs. old) he realized that while he took his "nap", mommy would get in the shower, and that if he waited until I was in, and he shut the door to his room after he made his escape, mommy would never know he was gone,(and by gone, I mean at-the-neighbors-house-across-the-street-gone) because she wasn't about to open that door to check on him until she had at least an hour of peace, He would be home free. And no, even after realizing this was a problem, I still wasn't about open that door, on the slight possibility that he really was in there and he really was asleep. On more that one occasion My before mentioned neighbor found him in her house, (because she never locked her door, and he never knocked), and neither of us knew how long he had been there. One time he snuck out of one of his "naps" went across the street, let himself in, went up stairs to where the neighbor girl was sleeping, climbed into her crib, and woke her up from her nap. My neighbor, who also used nap time as shower time, heard noises coming from her daughters room ,and went, stark naked to find out what was going on, only to find my son and her daughter throwing everything from her dresser onto the floor. She called me and apologized for probably scarring my child??? I think he deserved it!

  63. My daughter used to love to empty the cold ashes from the fireplace and smoosh them into the carpet, her hair, her clothes, toys, EVERYTHING. One time after catching her, I plopped her in the kitchen sink in a couple inches of water, gave her a couple of utensils to keep her busy, and cleaned up the mess in the next room. She was still within seeing distance, but I was cleaning and therefore not watching. When I got back into the kitchen I found that she had pooped in the kitchen sink and was happily straining it with a sieve.

    This is the same child who, at about eighteen months of age, opened a second story window (that didn't have a screen) and then climbed out on the roof. Our neighbor called to tell us that our baby was on the roof. PARENTING FAIL.

  64. My daughter used to love to empty the cold ashes from the fireplace and smoosh them into the carpet, her hair, her clothes, toys, EVERYTHING. One time after catching her, I plopped her in the kitchen sink in a couple inches of water, gave her a couple of utensils to keep her busy, and cleaned up the mess in the next room. She was still within seeing distance, but I was cleaning and therefore not watching. When I got back into the kitchen I found that she had pooped in the kitchen sink and was happily straining it with a sieve.

    This is the same child who, at about eighteen months of age, opened a second story window (that didn't have a screen) and then climbed out on the roof. Our neighbor called to tell us that our baby was on the roof. PARENTING FAIL.

  65. 5/21/10 my daughter is 2 years, my son is right around 6 months old. I was nursing my son in the living room suddenly realized there was *that* silence. I call out "Baby Girl, where are you/ What are you doing?" I hear back "I cookin!" not knowing what she meant, I decided I ought to investigate. I then found my daughter had pulled/ pushed a chair to the "spice" cabinet; grabbed the LARGEST container she could find, pushed/ pulled the chair to the dish drainer, grabbed the largest clean pot she could find. She then pushed/ pulled her chair, the spice, and the pot to the stove where she placed the largest clean pot, dumped the largest container of spice into the pot, and was using her finger to stir, then licking her finger, stirring, licking, stirring, licking. So, because I am having trouble understanding what I was seeing I ask again "Baby girl, what are you doing?" "I cookin!" "Are you eating that?!?" "I like it!" *mommy face palm*

  66. This was a trip-down-memory-lane for me. My boys are in their 30s now, but how well I remember finding quite dead frogs in the washer, dead mice in dresser drawers... and finding the two of them sleeping on the roof of the entryway to our house. "But it's hot in our room!" When they call me now, with tales of their own kids' escapades.. I can smile and say "payback is 'what'?"
    Thanks for the stories!

  67. My son would hide when he was potty training. He knew he was not supposed to poop in his pants but still did. Well, one day we were at Pottery Barn Kids shopping for his new baby brother when he disappeared. After frantically searching for him- I found him. In the stores beautiful front window. Pants around his ankles and pooping on the floor for the whole mall to see.

  68. Things my 3rd child was able to reach and ingest in the odd handful of seconds that I was not actually staring directly at her: solid perfume, dabs from each tube of a full set of acrylic paints that I *still* don't know how she reached, a snail and its shell, liquid perfume (better yet, it was the sexy John Paul Gaultier corseted torso bottle, which I felt I had to bring along to the ER. The doctors were so taken with it, they asked to keep it) and a piece of broken glass. It turns out both that broken glass does not necessarily kill a kid, and that it shows up on x-rays. Who knew?

    When I tell her about these exploits now that she's 15, she thinks they're delightfully wacky. I'm glad she thinks they're funny.

    The same child was allowed to just slip off her undies and pee in the grass in our yard, while she was potty training. My bad for not explaining that the croquet lawn at a country club was a different sort of situation.

  69. These stories are hilarious! We've had our fair share of interesting experiences with little ones too. Here are some of our memorable ones:

    My first child, at 20 mos. old, opened a brand new bottle of Tide and poured out the entire contents on the floor. He thought this was fantastic! He treated it like finger paint, and in about 60 seconds, he had spread it to everything in sight. It took every towel I had in the house to clean it up, and then I had to spend hours rinsing everything out since I couldn't exactly put a gallon of soap directly in the washing machine. I was finding little blue fingerprints everywhere for weeks. I thought it was just a toddler thing, but when he was 6, we wound up with 1/2 gallon of grapeseed oil on the hardwood floor. At least he was sorry that time instead of dancing in it like the he did with the Tide.

    When my 2nd child was 2, he used to like to hide whenever it was time to leave. Once, when at my parents house, he decided to hide in the walk-in pantry under the bottom shelves. It was there that he discovered the glue type mouse trap. He then decided to smear it all over himself. The only thing that would take it off was goo-gone. Thank goodness my mother happened to have a new one on hand, because we used the entire bottle. By the time we were actually ready to leave my parent's house, I was pretty sure we had overstayed our welcome!

    My 3rd child is only 15 mos. old and she's already checked the vaseline incident off the list! Her new favorite activity is climbing on top of the kitchen table. She's also a big fan of standing on chairs facing backwards and bouncing a little so that the chair scoots across the room. And she regularly brings me the little plastic covers from the electrical outlets. You know, the childproof ones that we put there to keep her out of the outlets? Apparently they just attract her to them.

  70. I love this post. I don't think my chibi was quite as evil, but we did tell people our house was decorated in "Early Ripley Honor."

    Did you know that paint will come off a door before sharpie will?

    I didn't mind her original works; we own our home and I just couldn't get that worked up about drawing on the walls. But I admit to twitching a little bit when we painted and not even an entire week went by before she'd found a sharpie and begun "redecorating."

    On the other hand...she's ten now and I still can't be bothered to paint over them...

    Oh...there was the in plural...with the hacksaw. SOMEBODAY *COUGHHUSBANDCOUGH* left a hacksaw where Ripley could get it, which was basically INSIDE THE HOUSE. (that child doubled up on her milestones and took her first steps at age 9 months and never stopped) It was weeks before I discovered that she was taking the hacksaw to the dining room chair rungs. She wasn't even two. She would put it BACK and do it again the next day.

    Oh and she pulled the "Escape from the House" trick too. We had no idea she could turn door knobs let alone unlock a deadbolt. (by using her fingertip to turn it from underneath!!) She was found by the neighbor kids down the street, walking down the MIDDLE OF THE STREET in a diaper and t-shirt in March. In Michigan. The next day we had a chain installed at the very top of the door.

  71. This is the story of my life right now. Your Mini is my Bear. And honestly I can't even express to you how awesome it is to find someone else that is living/lived this.

    People ask how the boys are and I can't even get the words out that they're great, I just say they're evil. With a smile though.

    He has 'drawn' on our brand new hdtv... with a screwdriver. We seriously just got the tv. like 2 days prior. We still have that tv. It is now coated with food, and crayon, and a little spot in the middle at the bottom, that doesn't go away. Don't even notice the scratches anymore.

    He has painted many masterpieces with poop on his walls and floor, in seconds flat. The whole room needs to be repainted and recarpeted. I cry now when he does it.

    We live at the end of a cul d sac. A long driveway to the road. Bear escaped the house one morning, running at lightning speed to the street. He was naked. It was like 45 degress in California. So it was cold. The heater was on. I don't know why he was naked. He's always naked. He ran like a cheetah. I ran after him, barefoot in a tank top, across sharp rocks. Made it to the sidewalk, just before the street, and a man walking his dog, sneered, "You should get that kid dressed, someone could call the cops."

    Really dude? Really? Thank God I didn't sleep naked that night.

    I don't think people really get it when I tell stories about my kid. They think it's a once in a while thing, but you're right, a cupcake devil. He's the lovingest sweetest kid too. I think their cuteness is a defense mechanism.

  72. It occurs to me that these kids are all practicing skills. They are learning, exploring, solving problems (the problem of, how do I get to the thing that Mommy has locked me out of before she finishes peeing). It's just that the *manner* in which they're learning....

    I had no idea so many kids used their poop to paint. I though it was mostly an autistic thing.

    I think these kids need jobs. Like, you need to totally not have a life for as long as you have a toddler, and devote every second of every day (sleeping seconds too) into teaching them their jobs. In order to keep them from painting on the walls, take them to houses that really need painting, and teach them how...... Maybe there's a reason they used to have child labor....

    Oh, and don't shower from the time they start walking until they get out of toddlerhood. That should help prevent the creation of new ones.... But obviously, that's too much time to leave them alone!

  73. We had the "pushing a chair over to the counter, climbing onto the counter, opening the cupboard, and breaking a glass while mommy's back is turned for 30 seconds giving away Hallowe'en candy" incident at 15 months, the "climb through the banisters and jump off the stair landing onto the sofa while mommy is staring in disbelief" incident at 16 months, the "I can open the refrigerator, get out the milk, drink it straight from the carton without spilling a drop, put the cap back on, and put it back in the fridge but forget to close the door while daddy secretly peers around the corner to see what I'm doing" incident at 17 months, the "highboy climbing to get to a cookie while mommy is in the bathroom" incident at 18 months, and the "I can literally swing from the chandelier" incident at 19 months. It's been a blessedly quiet (well, relatively) for a few months as she's about to turn 2.

  74. My oldest ( 15 now) barely survived toddlerhood. He climbed on his lego table and wrapped a blind cord around his neck and jumped off, thankfully the blinds collapsed and his only injury was a small red line around his neck. He would jump into any amount of standing water, no matter the weather or if he was wearing a flotation device. He also, at 4, jumped off the top of the bunk bed onto a matchbox car case, which left a delightful criss cross shaped bruise across his entire lower half, and caused the preschool teachers to think we were beating him.

    My middle son (who is 12) has Aspergers syndrome, and far from being special needs, he is my EASIEST! Due to his fear of germs, he would never play in dirt, poop or the garbage and he wants to do nothing more than sit quietly in his room with his legos. The only issue with him is he is OBSESSED with my pads,LOL. Every few months we would do a deep clean of his room and find unwrapped (unused) pads stuffed under his bed or in his closet. I have no idea what he was doing with them ( I doubt that I really want to know) but I could not keep a box of them untouched. He finally stopped when I made him go to the store with me and buy me a box with his own money. Those things are expensive,LOL!

    My babies (they are 8) started my, now extensive, gray coverage. We had to use two gates, one on top of the other, to prevent one from giving the other a boost up and over. It was like living in Fort Knox, because every doorway had two gates and then we had to have them at the top and bottom of the stairs as well. The older boys found it easier just to stay in their room rather than have to open and close 15 gates just to get a snack,LOL. The worst, though, was the poop painting. It was EPIC! They would paint themselves, the walls, the beds and linens and EACH OTHER... AAGGHH! We tried pinning the zippers to their pajamas closed, putting pjs on backwards, and sewing button enclosures over zippers. Thankfully they stopped the painting by potty training time, and we only had to deal with the poop smeared on the walls or toilet when they got it on them while wiping. This was a blessing compared to the the bio hazards from before.

    We have 4 boys, and got the twins when we "tried for a girl" but people still frequently ask me if we are going to try again. The lucky ones just get a Maude look, but if it has been a particularly difficult day the unfortunate person will get some ear splitting expletives in their face. Nothing will kill your desire for a baby more than twins. Nothing.

  75. My baby sister once got up in the middle of the night, made a mixture of oil and milo, and proceded to paint the kitchen with it. Then she toddled into my parents bedroom to wake mum up because her 'hands were dirty'. How she was alive when i got told the story the next morning is anyones guess.

  76. I have 3 of you "mini"'s. We call them The Curse shes now 6. Eater whos now 5 and Monkey who is now 4. Curse and Eater had a thing about "cooking" when I was busy changing Monkeys diaper when he was small. I'd come in the kitchen after being away for a tiny second and come to find a dozen eggs, chocolate syrup, pancake syrup, and lord knows what else they could find spread all over the room... We had to replace the carpet... twice.

  77. My daughter snuck down the stairs in the middle of the stairs and opened every one of the Christmas presents that were under the tree 2 weeks before Christmas. When I woke up that morning and realized she wasn't upstairs, I walked down the stairs and found her sitting in a pile of wrapping paper.

    She's also rubbed half a bottle of warming lube on her body while I was in the shower.

  78. We dubbed my middle son (now 8) Spidey-Taz.... A cross between Spider Man and the Tazmanian Devil..... This special child did not need a chair to get on top of the fridge.... Oh, no, he just grabbed onto the handles as high up as he could and used his feet to climb up the front of the fridge. It took us WEEKS to figure out how he was getting up there!

    Let's see.... There was the escape out the back door incident that we had to call the cops for ( 2 hrs later he was found having an 'adventure mommy!), the naked out the front door to hide under a parked car incident (deadbolt & chain were on), the going out to play on the yard incident that had him covered head to toe in mud....

    However,the most memorable was the call from the school bus driver when he was 3.
    "I am going to need you to come onto the bus to get you child today. He has stripped down to nothing, and we cannot touch him". My first question was not "why?". My first question was "HOW did he get all his clothes off while in a 5 point harness car seat?!?!?!". I did not get the answer to either question...

    My angel (now 6) is more of a fallen angel. With the teachings of 2 big brothers, She has learned early how to be a little devil. She too is a poop artist, yogurt artist, and escape artist. That special quiet involving her means you are going to have to clean something up.

    The Saturday morning that my husband and I awoke groggily at 5:30am to the house being toooo quiet. I got up to investigate and was horrified to find what looked like poop painted on the entire family room. The TV, walls, couch, floor, toys, dvd's...Eacother. EVERYTHING in the room had been painted! My scream of horror brought my husband out of bed, who also screamed in horror. It was about then the smell hit my nose... And it was.... Chocolatey. Poop that smells like chocolate? It was about then that I saw the jar in the corner - thank GOODNESS! It's Nutella?.. Or so I thought. I can say from experience that Nutella is much harder to get out of fabric. Smells much better, but harder to get out! It was then we went to laminate floor...

  79. My mom (bless her precious heart) watched/watches our children for us. She watched the girl-child until she was about 2.5 (when she started preschool part-time). Shortly after I returned to work after maternity leave #2:
    - girl-child was almost 2 when she locked Grandma out of the back (kitchen) door. Grandma McGyver’d her way in through an (at the time) unlocked window, bypassing the baby (approx 4 months at the time) in the Boppy and the lamp on the end table.
    - around the same timeframe, girl-child locked Grandma in the attic. The key to the attic is a little bent and needs “jiggling” to fit in the keyhole. Grandma was trying to get girl-child to unlock the door, and *finally* convinced her to pass the key to Grandma under the (thank God for it) gap under the door.
    - Once the boy-child started walking (~10.5 months), girl-child would routinely “let him outside.” Departing one particular powder room pee-break, I find Little Man is MIA. I ask girl-child “Where is your brother?” and get the response “outside.” While Little Man was walking, he had not yet mastered STEPS (and we have ~ 8 of them from the deck to the yard)

  80. Little miss whatamess, has pulled the wall paper off the walls. climbed on the counter and flooded the kitchen, oh prior to potty training, she was worse than having a new puppy. Beautiful, funny smart, with the big eyes that bat and say pweese and I sorry I smeared hand lotion all over the dog. Pulled that flat screen off the stand, to the point that DH screwed it down! so sweet, so evil, so loved. shredded loves of bread all over the living room, hides her peanut butter sandwiches in my bed, under my pillow, that is always fun. whole roll of TP in the toilet, right now she is dumping the contents of the vaccuum, have top go, I have left her idol too long...

  81. Do you ever watch SNL? Mini's "Oh, Yeah" reminds me a lot of Gilly's "Sorry." Thanks for the laughs, and reassurance, as always.

  82. I'm not a mom yet but I am Aunt Emmy to 9 little sweeties and when my oldest nephew was 3 he liked to get up between 5 and 7 a.m. and be really quiet because he learned quickly that if he was quiet he had more time to "explore grown up stuff" on one of these mornings he climbed onto my sister-in-laws plant stand and "accidentally" knocked 3 large house plants down on Mommys new carpet so to "clean" it up he decided that laundry detergent would be the best so he emptied a family sized bottle of liquid laundry detergent into the dirt/plant mixture and then scrubbed it with the mop spreading it over a 15x20sq. foot area of the less than 3 weeks old carpet which he later caught fire to with a zippo and then burned his foot trying to put it out I have so many of these stories from baby sitting I can only imagine the ones I will add when I'm a mom

  83. well, your tale does remind me of the time in my life when our boys (now 17 and 14) were 3 and newborn.. i was wrangling with the "Olympic New Mom" event known as "I dare you to take a shower when the children outnumber you." On day one of the pre-trial event, i strapped baby-newborn into his car seat and hauled him into the bathroom with me where i could peak around the shower curtain to ascertain his safety, while my sweet 3 year old was happily engaged with Sesame Street or some other appropriate viewing, permitting me what i thought would be a 10 minute window to attend to some personal hygiene. As i stepped from the shower, that is when i heard it.. The Silence you spoke of so aptly as ominous.. I hurried down the stairs and rounded the corner to the kitchen to find the fridge wide open, the floow decorated with the better part of a dozen eggs, strewn across the floor, smashed beyond repair and craftily covered with a tea towel, as in "Mommy will never notice these eggs if i spread some gingham cotton over them!" and not a toddler in sight.. Later that same week, i attempted the impossible again (apparently I was on a slow learning curve in my post partum phase). newborn baby was safely secured in his carseat and parked in the bathroom. Sweet toddler was happily engaged in educational pre-school viewing and i stepped into my steamy paradise. This time, I kept the shower extra-brief, hopped from the stall and tripped lightly downstairs to check on my angel... one look in the front room revealed his "tv viewing" chair to be abandoned. quickly i bee-lined it to the kitchen and there he was: kitchen chair pushed up to the stove, him kneeling on the surface, every coil burner pulled from it's recess and stacked neatly from largest to smallest in a tidy tower before him. Beaming with pride, he turned to me and said "Look, Mommy! it's my Happy Birthday!" and proceeded to blow out the imaginary candles on his pretend stove-burner cake.... I think they were both in Kindergarten before I attempted to brave the hurdle of independent personal hygiene again. From then on, all adults in the house only tag-teamed it when it came to using the bathroom. sigh.. ah, the good old days.

  84. Oh let's see if I can remember the joys of toddlerhood... My boys also used the dresser drawers as a staircase, but it didn't work out so well for them. It lost it's balance and fell on them.

    Then there was the day I was putting the little guy down for a nap so the bigger guy thought it would be cool to use my makeup. On my carpet. I had to make a carpet allowance concession when I sold that house.

    The day that the silence prompted me to search for my darlings, only to find them busily working away at the child proof packaging of cough syrup.

    Or the day the neighborhood Mom's all pulled out our kiddie pools and put them in one yard like a mini water park, and I sent my 4 year old up to put on his swim suit. It was taking a really long time for him to come back down, so I snuck up the stairs and discovered him peeing down the AC vent in his floor.

    My second fave was after they were both (thankfully, finally) potty trained. One of them discovered remaining pullups under the bathroom sink. Whichever little angel it was decided to change into the pullups, poop into the pullups, and then store them back under the sink.

    But the most fun and most publicly humiliating event was when I had just gotten divorced and decided to take my then 3 and 5 year olds to the Outer Banks of South Carolina. They loved planes so we went to the National Monument that is the birthplace of aviation. On the dunes there, the government has placed stone monuments for each of the Wright Borthers first few attempts... with a rubber mat walkway to guide you. First flight 15 feet, second flight 35 feet, and so on on out to the end several hundred feet away. To preserve the moment I took photos of each marker, at the end setting up my tripod to get all three of us in a photo with the last monument. When we turned to walk back, we had lost our group and the next group was coming towards us. A father and his two pre-teen daughters. And they were stifling giggles. I checked my face for remnants of lunch - clean. Checked my zipper - up. Checked for Child 1 - right next to me. Checked for child 2 - ... child 2? Child 2! I turned all the way around to discover my 3 year old standing at the edge of the rubber mat, hoohaw all whipped out, gleefully peeing on a National Park.

    Why do we have children?

  85. I need to vent as my 2 1/2 year old son has been un-tameable lately! I was just getting my morning coffee as my 9 year old screams from my back bedroom. I go running back there to find that the toddler had gotten ahold of a bottle of febreeze (from where I have no idea, there are child locks on EVERYTHING). He was spraying our pet bunny and laughing histerically as she hopped around. I snatched the bottle from his hands, placed him in time out and promptly gave the bunny a bath. She will probably never go near my children ever again!!!!!!!!

  86. ok im not a mom!!! but i have two two year old baby brothers,their names are aiden and arthur.a few weeks ago arty figured out how to figure out how to take off his diaper and he took it off at night in his criban when he woke up in the morin'and he was drenched in pee when my mom went to change him he was drendhed and his diaper was in the bottom of sleeper!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  87. ok so my brothers can open doors now so they opened the door and let the dag out everyone was furious LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  88. You've described to a tee my two year old! I think these kinds of children with such fierce creativity projected at this age as destruction will be celebrated genius one day!

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