Things between us have been rough for a while, I know that. But I love you so much. Why are you leaving me? Don’t you understand that the only reason that I’m sane is that I have you – and the two hours a day of freedom and bliss that you provide for me? I honestly don’t think I can live without you, Naptime. Don’t go. Please… I’m begging you.
Naptime, you fickle bastard. I can sense you distancing yourself from me. I have three kids, buster. Twice before you’ve told me you were "moving on" because it was time. I know the drill. I see the writing on the wall.
First, it started getting harder and harder to get Mini to fall asleep in the afternoon. Then she started fighting me at night when it was bedtime. Then one day we were busy and she skipped her nap, and she fell asleep like an angel at 7:45 and slept for twelve hours. And then the next day, when she didn’t want to nap – we tried it again and she fell right to sleep at 8 and slept through the night like a champ.
So, I know you think that you’re doing this because its what’s best for my family. And a baby who finally sleeps through the night after 26 months of turning me into a sleep-deprived zombie would be nice. In fact there have been days over the past two years where I would have happily traded a kidney to get that kid to sleep. The past week has been glorious. I actually feel kind of good. My eyes are not scrunched up and puffy. I can complete a sentence. I have enough energy to let Jillian Michaels boss me around for 27 minutes every morning.
But I can’t help but feel that you’re failing to consider a few things that will suffer if you leave us. Because Mini is two and an evil genius and therefore there are a lot of things that must get done but can’t be done safely or easily while she is awake. In fact, I have a list of things that will be damaged or ruined as a result of you’re abandoning me:
(1) Things like making business phone calls. For example to Sprint to find out why there’s a monthly paid subscription on my cell phone to a mobile service I have never used, would not allow my children to even hear about until they’re 18 and may be illegal in several states. I have no idea how that subscription was ordered on my phone and I need to get it off immediately and I can’t do that while pleading with Mini to stop stealing cheese and trying to feed it to the cat. Because I don’t think I can conduct business efficiently while screaming: “That’s not the kitty’s face! THAT’S NOT HIS FACE! Gahhhh!”
(2) Paying bills. This is sort of an important task. But the thing is, I still do it the old fashioned way. I sit down twice a month and write out my bills and compare them to last month and make sure everything is okey dokey and then I put a stamp on them and forget to go to the post office until the next notice with the red lines on the envelope arrives and the Cap’n turns a very interesting shade of purple and reminds me that I went to grad school and should be able to do this. But my point is – this important task can’t be completed when Mini is awake because she will never learn one critical thing: stamps are not stickers. Last month I found $17.60 worth of stamps stuck to bookcase in the girls’ bedroom and then had to attach them to my bills and holiday greetings with scotch tape.
(3) My ability to shower more than twice per week. Lately if anyone tries to bathe while Mini is awake, she strips off and jumps in with them. Usually when they least expect it. And maybe you’ve noticed, Naptime, but wet floors are slippery so when a squealing two year old leaps into the shower with you when you don’t expect it, there’s a pretty good chance of you screaming in fear that it’s a pint sized Norman Bates and then falling and then sustaining the sort of injury that would render you unable to wipe yourself for 4-6 weeks.
(4) The Laundry standing any chance of making that crucial step from “clean” to “folded and put away”. I have enough of a problem with this as it is. I really don’t need any additional obstacles to getting the laundry done. Think I’m kidding? This is an actual picture of my guest room right now. The place where clean laundry goes to die. As a matter of fact, naptime – are you working with Randy the Laundry Fairy on this? Has he been telling you that it’s time to move on? Because he’s a douche and you should NOT EVER listen to him. Mommies the world over love you, Naptime. They venerate you. Do you know what it would do to your street cred to hang out with Randy? Nothing good, my friend. Nothing good.
(5) Cooking nourishing and healthful vittles for my kiddles. A couple of times per week, I like to cook big meals – things like chili or spaghetti sauce or lasagna – that I can make ahead of time (while the kids are at school and Mini is asleep). Then I make enough of it that we eat it for a couple of days. Do you have any idea what it’s like to try and prepare food with that child? Especially since she saw Ratatouille? She shouldn’t be allowed in a kitchen at all but now she tries to grab 14” bread knives or raw chicken while screaming “NO MOMMA! I da LITTLE CHEF!”
You see, Naptime, these chores and everything else I would like to get done in a day will now have to be accomplished between the hours of 8:30pm and whenever I fall asleep. That just happens to be the only time I have to see or speak to my husband all day. I kind of like him. It would be nice to have conversations that consist of more than “Can you take out the trash?” “Uh huh” and “Are you asleep already?”. There’s also this blog which I’ve grown sort of fond of. You see without you in my life, there’s a pretty good chance that future blog posts are going to look like this:
“Mini poked me in the eye really hard and it hurt like a basturd and then I made toast. xo, Lydia”
So please consider sticking around a little longer, Naptime. I love you so much.
Pleading desperately for you,