Monday, January 3, 2011

The RFM Super Awesome Predictions for 2011

Lydia and I have consulted a seer, played with the Ouija board, burned some candles, threw some dice on a silver platter, impaled a couple of poorly crafted dolls with extra long stabby needles, invited a ghost to take over Whoopi Goldberg's body and -- ummm -- Nostradomus'ed ourselves, all in the quest to gain some insight as to what events will happen in 2011.

Between all that, a t-box, and the Cap'n's snide yet hilarious comments as he wandered through the room, we think we know what we should expect this year:

News: Gillette comes to worldwide acclaim by enticing Osama bin Laden out of hiding with the offer of a free Fusion ProGlide Razor. We're pretty sure it had to do with the 25% larger LubraStrip that'swhatshesaid.

Weather: The American Midwest suffers, cleans up, rebuilds and then hosts the World's Fair after a record tornado season. New York, meanwhile, is still bitching about snow plows that have yet to show up. In April.

Politics: John Boehner and Barack Obama solve the world's problems with a spirited game of Line DodgeBall. Meanwhile, Sarah Palin and Nancy Pelosi channel their inner Sandy and Rizzo and decide they need to have a Slumber Party. Sarah teaches Nancy how to dress a moose, and Nancy arts Sarah in the mysteries of makeup. Then they have a pillow fight with Joe Biden. You betcha.

Economy: The US narrowly avoids a financial collapse by auctioning off Edward Cullen. Sadly, the winning bidder was disappointed to discover that he isn't, in fact, shrouded in diamonds. 

Sports: THE NFL's Most Valuable Player trophy is replaced with a gold sheathed Kim Kardashian. NFL players begin tanking their stats when they realize it's not that great a prize. Everyone's had it.

Celebrity: Goodbye Jon & Kate + 8. Hello Wills & Kate + 8. The British Invasion of TV climaxes when news leaks that Waity Katie is soon to become the OctoPrincess.

Moms: Same schmidt, different day. This year with added hormones. Super.

Whuck?: In related British news, Prince Charles ascends the throne after 65 years in waiting and is finally crowned Ki--wait. No. Never mind. That's never gonna happen.

Kids: The great snowstorm of 2011 is greeted with resounding groans across America as kids realize that they will be stuck at home with their moms for three. more. weeks.

Kate and Lydia: The queens of MommyLand continue their trend of abject self-humiliation and finally break the internet with their stupidity. Sorry Al Gore.

(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2010


  1. LOL thank you for that!!! I don't know which one was the funniest? I think you had me a the ProGlide razor...

  2. Oh man, you guys are hysterically funny, seriously. Nancy Pelosi and Sarah Palin slumber party including pillow fight with Joe Biden. Bwa ha ha! Will and Kate +8...octoprincess...ha ha! Solving world's problems with a game of dodgeball...what do you say, even yesser?! Seriously, thanks for the perspective, you guys have probably made my year. :-)

  3. Environmental Conservation: The nation's women realize there are far too many Q-tips wandering the streets. Barbers and Stylists are the new increasing unemployed. There is a marked increase in incidences of scalp cancer in men. Scientists discover that there is no ozone melting polar ice cap or oil spill ... it's actually the sun glinting off the oily heads of millions of American men - and it's leaving a slick. Media picks up on it and runs. The legislature is lobbied to pass a law that all men who are naturally able to should put the lid back on. Passed unanimously in an overnight session. Hailed by millions of women who have missed the simple act of running their hands through the hair of men they actually recognize from the back. People's 2011 Sexiest Men volume salutes men with hair - even if it's only a little. And finally, the comb-over makes a comeback.

  4. snow storm of 2011? Stop. Stop it NOW.

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