Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Top Ten Threats (That We'll Never Actually Enforce)

 When I had kids, I promised myself I'd never say the one phrase I heard far too often as a kid:

"Because I said so..."

In retrospect, I might have been a little hasty. "Because I said so..." seems to have some magical powers that I wish I could have. Namely, the ability to invoke the power of oneself.  Instead, I have involuntarily ceded that power to dad, teachers, the principal, the karate instructors, neighbors, the mailman and, possibly, the dog.

Now, with the power in the hands (paws?) of others, I'm forced to come up with awesomely creative, yet completely impotent threats that either defy physics and logic, or that I'm simply too exhausted to enforce...

...or possibly, it could be that I'm the stupidest person on earth for letting phrases such as these escape my lips:

10. "If you don't stop touching each other right now, I'm going to SuperGlue your foreheads together and with any luck you'll all pass out from the morning breath and stop complaining about who's touching go brush your teeth."

9. "Must you yell? Tell you what, I'll go make you a little felt hat, and then we'll get you a job as Town Crier. And then you can stand in the Town Hall building and holler out the time and weather and news every hour and people will throw oranges at you and tell you to shut it, and it'll be cold and rainy and you'll wish you never started yelling in the first place, not to mention the fact that you don't know how to tell, I'm not making you a hat."

8. "If you don't eat your dinner, you're just going to see it again for breakfast. And then lunch. And dinner again. And every meal after that until you decide to eat it. Forever."

7. "No you will not get a piercing. I don't care if I have one. If you get any piercings, I'm not paying for college. And you can get used to saying, 'Would you like fries with that?'"

6. "If you don't take a bath -- and I mean right now -- you're not going to school tomorrow."


4. "If you don't stop ordering your sister around, I'm gonna put you in a uniform, make you stand guard duty all night and when the sun comes up, you can clean the bathroom with your toothbrush."

3. I know. I'm the meanest mommy in the whole wide world. You can go get another one. I'll help you pack for your journey."

2. "Just so we're clear. You don't have a job, you don't have any money and you don't know how to drive. There's about two weeks worth of food, heat and entertainment in this house and then you're on your own. Do you really want to continue arguing with me?"

1. "Did you hit your brother again? Did I tell you to cut it out? C'mere for a minute. Let's look at some orphanages you might like."

(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2010

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