Sunday, January 2, 2011

What Happened to Us?

Three weeks ago Kate had a birthday, finished the Shred and fell off the wagon.  She ran into one of her work-out buddies yesterday and they eyed each other the way two alcoholics would if they unexpectedly saw each other at a bar.  Three weeks ago, Lydia had house guests arrive and stay for ten days and then Christmas roundhouse kicked her in the damn face.  Three weeks ago, Kate and Lydia were fit, organized and happy.

And now... They look like this.

What happened? They got lazy. They got cookies. Their kids were home all. the. mur. thur. fur. kin. time. They bought too much brie and then ate it instead of taking it to other people's houses like they had planned.

It's also entirely possible that we -- and our children and our spouses and our pets -- all got markedly and quantifiably stupider in the past three weeks. How can we tell? [Editor's Note: You mean, besides the fact that we wrote the word "stupider" and that it looks more like a real word than "quantifiably"? -Kate] Well, here are a couple of clues:
  • There are SEVEN loads of clean laundry to be folded and put away in Lydia's guest room.  SEVEN.  Because the only domestic priority Lydia has had for the past week as the strategic removal of all traces of the Holidays from her house.  As soon as she got the last box in the garage, she plopped down on the sofa for a well deserved rest and found a collection of small ornaments stuffed between the couch cushions.
  • Kate opened her kid's backpacks on New Year's Day to find half-eaten, now-moldy clementines and the ten page packets of holiday homework that her children will be required to finish in the next 24 hours.
  • Lydia's five year old son Hawk may have lost the use of his legs because all he has been doing is sitting on the couch like a lump playing Lego Harry Potter and then complaining because he's not allowed to play Wii anymore.  Also, whining that his mom is making him play outside.
  • Both Kate and Lydia have engaged in the time honored tradition of eating horrifying amounts of holiday treats in truly staggering amounts in order to get them out of the house faster.  Don't judge.  You know you've eaten half a large box of chocolates while thinking, starting tomorrow I am totally going to eat super healthy once all this temptation is out of my way and down my gullet.
  • All six of our combined brood of children can recite every commercial aired on Disney XD.  We're so ashamed.
We're pretty sure the children are going to come home from school tomorrow, each with their very own special, special note from the teacher, and addressed to us. Inside, we expect to find a much more eloquent version of this: "Whuck in the name of Maude did you do to them? Your child now needs to repeat the first half of the year. Thanks for nothing, you useless woman. Signed, Your Kid's Educator"

We would totally write her back, but we gnawed off the end of the pencils. What? It looked like chocolate. Hmmm, maybe that should have been on our list of clues?

Must run. The computer keyboard is starting to look like that cereal with all the floating letters in it...mmmmm, Cheerios. Right?

xoxo, Kate and Lydia

PS: One more thing.  Starting tomorrow, we'll be back on the wagon.  Eating right, working out, keeping organized.  If you want to join us - we started a team on  We don't really know how that works or what we're doing (so what else is new?) but at least we can all flail around together.  We're not affiliated with SparkPeople and we don't endorse them or anything but it's free and lots of you out there have asked us to do this - SO WE ARE ALL IN!  If you're really good at SparkPeople and want to help us get this all organized, shoot us an email at because Maude knows we could use all the help we can get. Oh and while your at it, can you give us a hand dragging our sorry (and huge) asses back up on that wagon?

(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2010


  1. Oh, thank you for saying you have no idea about Spark People. I joined but don't know what I am doing either! Happy to flail with you. Also, I ate a cupcake for breakfast so we could finish them today because tomorrow I am back on Weight Watchers. It's pretty sad that I was eating it right about the time I should have been weighing in.

  2. Your kids got "holiday homework"??? I think it needs to go back to the teachers blank with a note that says "They're called holidays for a reason." What is happening with schools these days?
    As far as falling off the wagon, we've all fallen off ;)

  3. Kelley aka Mudskipper26January 2, 2011 at 8:40 PM

    I joined your group this morning and I am already loving it! Like most websites, if you mess around with it you start learning. I am not planning on attempting it all at once, but I have logged what I ate today and that simple act is making me think twice about what I am shoving in my mouth! If I can manage it, then you two with all of your awesome clippy arty things will do just dandy!

  4. I could've written this blog word for word (except it wouldn't have been nearly so funny) Guests, chocolate, booze and in-laws have combined to change me from a Weight Watchers following runner to a couch sitting disaster.

    Tomorrow! For real, tomorrow!

  5. wagon? there is a wagon? omg! Now you tell me. Geez. I thought I was just eating all those EXTRA cookies so I didn't have to THROW.THEM.OUT. such a waist..I mean WASTE. hahahaha You guys go do your 'shred'....I think I'll just walk on the tread mill watching old lifetime movies. More fun and less intimidating.HA HA Wait...I have to clean off the treadmill first. hee hee

  6. Totally with you guys, and definitely NO judgment re: eating sweets just to get rid of them. I've been at my in laws for the past week and I think I may have easily gained 10 pounds, what with all the eating and not moving and stuff. Yeah- I've totally let them pick up the slack when it comes to watching my kids. And I'm only mildly ashamed.

  7. I ran away to Target today and left the kids with my husband. While I was there a woman was snapping at her daughter, "No, you're not hungry. Stop whining." I could only laugh and thank her because that was exactly the phrase that I repeated 90,000 times before I left the house.

  8. Oh. My. God. I thought I was the ONLY ONE who ate the rest of the cake, candy, cookies, etc. just to get it out of the house! Love your honesty, girls! Happy New Year!

  9. You gals ARE IN MY HEAD...Love it! I will flail with you - I even got shred to flail to...

  10. My wagon tipped over when I fell out - probably from the overwhelming weight imbalance inside the wagon. When it tipped over, it fell on me. Then, the horses trampled me a bit before moving forward without me. Oh, the holidays!

  11. So there I was laughing about all of this and then I stopped and said "wait a second" Yep, moldy lunchboxes, holiday homework, checks needed for lunch money, crushed treats at the bottom of the backpack...and I am running around to correct all of this RIGHT NOW...Thank you!

  12. I'm just so happy that I'm not in this alone. My house looks like 4 hurricanes came through instead of Santa, I'm at least 2 sizes bigger than I was three weeks ago, and I'm very much looking forward to everyone getting back to school and out of my hair for a few hours so I can make some sense of my world!! Thanks for the belly laughs tonight!

  13. OMG, that's hilarious, laughing all the way. Remember the "muffin top" comment in "Eat, Pray, Love" that's totally me, I am going to the gym this week, my kids don't go back to school until Tuesday. Who needed that extra day?

  14. Another great online organization tool is! It ROCKS!! I just started using it in October and LOVE it!! Oh, and I am sooo joining on Spark! :)

  15. LOL. Yeah, I just signed up for a couple of online classes and the 30-day shred but just can't start anything until my kid goes back to school and other is at the sitter regularly. I'm cleaning out the last of the Kahlua and Christmas treats and watching all the Lifetime/Hallmark Christmas movies I recorded.
    New Years Day is 1/5 for me since my kid doesn't go back to school until flipping WEDNESDAY!! *goes to get more Kahlua*

  16. My children decided that since Christmas was over they didn't have to even act like they were behaving anymore. My son has had brownies and chocolates for lunch the past three days and my daughter just sits in front of the computer all day and neither one of them are even in school yet! Thank god for kindergarten in a few months, maybe then my life will be somewhat back to normal.

  17. I'm waiting for my Nutrisystem order to come. I called and ordered it on Dec. 30th. I'm so over this weight thing... I vow to remove the clothing that are draped over my eliptical machine AND the treadmill that I have in my bedroom. Yes, I have actual exercise equipment in my bedroom that hasn't been touched (but referred to as "valet #1" and "valet #2 by my loving husband) since we moved into this house a year ago.

    I WILL GET IN SHAPE. I WILL.... starting....... NOW.

  18. Oh crap!! I haven't checked my daughter's backpack either! They don't start school again until tomorrow, so that gives us a few hours of leeway.

  19. that's all I can say. Thank you for making me laugh so hard I peed a little!

  20. Why users still use to read news papers when in this technological globe
    the whole thing is accessible on net?

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