Sunday, January 2, 2011

What Happened to Us?

Three weeks ago Kate had a birthday, finished the Shred and fell off the wagon.  She ran into one of her work-out buddies yesterday and they eyed each other the way two alcoholics would if they unexpectedly saw each other at a bar.  Three weeks ago, Lydia had house guests arrive and stay for ten days and then Christmas roundhouse kicked her in the damn face.  Three weeks ago, Kate and Lydia were fit, organized and happy.

And now... They look like this.

What happened? They got lazy. They got cookies. Their kids were home all. the. mur. thur. fur. kin. time. They bought too much brie and then ate it instead of taking it to other people's houses like they had planned.

It's also entirely possible that we -- and our children and our spouses and our pets -- all got markedly and quantifiably stupider in the past three weeks. How can we tell? [Editor's Note: You mean, besides the fact that we wrote the word "stupider" and that it looks more like a real word than "quantifiably"? -Kate] Well, here are a couple of clues:
  • There are SEVEN loads of clean laundry to be folded and put away in Lydia's guest room.  SEVEN.  Because the only domestic priority Lydia has had for the past week as the strategic removal of all traces of the Holidays from her house.  As soon as she got the last box in the garage, she plopped down on the sofa for a well deserved rest and found a collection of small ornaments stuffed between the couch cushions.
  • Kate opened her kid's backpacks on New Year's Day to find half-eaten, now-moldy clementines and the ten page packets of holiday homework that her children will be required to finish in the next 24 hours.
  • Lydia's five year old son Hawk may have lost the use of his legs because all he has been doing is sitting on the couch like a lump playing Lego Harry Potter and then complaining because he's not allowed to play Wii anymore.  Also, whining that his mom is making him play outside.
  • Both Kate and Lydia have engaged in the time honored tradition of eating horrifying amounts of holiday treats in truly staggering amounts in order to get them out of the house faster.  Don't judge.  You know you've eaten half a large box of chocolates while thinking, starting tomorrow I am totally going to eat super healthy once all this temptation is out of my way and down my gullet.
  • All six of our combined brood of children can recite every commercial aired on Disney XD.  We're so ashamed.
We're pretty sure the children are going to come home from school tomorrow, each with their very own special, special note from the teacher, and addressed to us. Inside, we expect to find a much more eloquent version of this: "Whuck in the name of Maude did you do to them? Your child now needs to repeat the first half of the year. Thanks for nothing, you useless woman. Signed, Your Kid's Educator"

We would totally write her back, but we gnawed off the end of the pencils. What? It looked like chocolate. Hmmm, maybe that should have been on our list of clues?

Must run. The computer keyboard is starting to look like that cereal with all the floating letters in it...mmmmm, Cheerios. Right?

xoxo, Kate and Lydia

PS: One more thing.  Starting tomorrow, we'll be back on the wagon.  Eating right, working out, keeping organized.  If you want to join us - we started a team on  We don't really know how that works or what we're doing (so what else is new?) but at least we can all flail around together.  We're not affiliated with SparkPeople and we don't endorse them or anything but it's free and lots of you out there have asked us to do this - SO WE ARE ALL IN!  If you're really good at SparkPeople and want to help us get this all organized, shoot us an email at because Maude knows we could use all the help we can get. Oh and while your at it, can you give us a hand dragging our sorry (and huge) asses back up on that wagon?

(c)Herding Turtles, Inc. 2009 - 2010

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